Opinions

I try to look at everything from as many aspects as I can, so I can fully understand what I am looking at or trying to understand.

This doesn't always happen. Sometimes I miss things. Humans are erroneous. 

I formulate opinions of my own, and don't easily change them, although I am always willing to. 

I know that every human has their own opinion, and I understand their point of view. 

But usually what I try to do in debates/arguments is to get them to understand my point of view, and ensure that I fully understand their point of view.

Why am I going on and on about this? Because of the amount of religious people I have been arguing with lately. 

Usually about LGBTQ things. Sometimes about abortion. 

I commented something on a Transgender Marriage video on youtube saying "I don't understand why people think this is wrong". 

Some guy responds saying that "Just imagine that all mankind we were gay, would total extermination of life, nothing more. In this life and the next, Stay in the light."

Okay. Seriously? Really? You are going to do this? I responded to him briefly, but youtube comments only have so much room.

First off,  let me respond to "Just imagine that all mankind we were gay". First off, this argument relies on the opinion that being gay is bad. So its kind of like circular reasoning here. If I imagine that all mankind was gay, I don't see it as a bad thing at all. Straight people might be unhappy if they had to be gay, if they weren't. Just like how some gay people in today's society are unhappy with having to fake being straight.  But if everyone was wholesomely gay, it obviously would even be considered a bad thing anymore. So basically, just saying, that this point relies on the belief that being gay is bad.

"total extermination of life, nothing more." Okay, again, this is easy to defend my point of view. Even if every woman was gay and every man was gay, if society understood how reproduction works, men could easily donate sperm to women to reproduce. You don't have to have sex to get pregnant. We know this in our society. 

Now I look at this guy's point of view; he probably lives a sheltered life in which he doesn't get exposed to the positives and "lights" of the ideas he sees as negative. In his point of view, obviously what I see that has no problem, he sees problems. Because of his religion, the way he was brought up or just general life experiences of his own, he has these views.  

I just wish that people like him could open up their minds a little more to at least understand my point of view. I just find people that say homophobic comments, or anti LGBTQ comments, tend to not look at both points of view in the discussion. I am looking at your POV, now please, at least read mine. At least attempt to understand it.

You can keep your opinion, I am not trying to change it. If I do, great! But if I don't, at least understand where I am coming from and understand why I think the way I do, and I will do the same to your opinion.

Let's all co-exist. 

Do you ever feel like you think too much that your brain just might explode?

I do this way too often.

I am going to bring up something I haven't in a while, my poor memory. I still don't understand why my memory is so poor. I remember going to the doctor about it back in grade 10. Then she told me to come back in the fall, because she thought it might be stress. Yeah, didn't come back. But my memory didn't change.

People look at my grades and think... you have an amazing memory. No. I don't. I have an amazing understanding of topics, like I will be able to explain to you what schrodinger's cat is, but I will have no idea what to call it (it just took me a while to remember the name "schrodinger's cat"). When it comes to remembering who the heck Hume is or what happened in the year 300AD, I have no idea.

In Family Studies, we had these 6 theories of development. Can I tell you about each one of them (well maybe not now, but before the exam, yes) but could I tell you which theory had which name? No. I made flashcards of the definition of the theory and the name of the theory, and who's theory it is, and I could not match them. As it was, I did end up mixing up two of the titles and theories on the exam.

I get higher grades on assignments, as I can research and look at my notes. But exams and tests I score about 10% lower on. I still get good grades, but my memory is poor. *cough cough* Law culminating I got a 96% on, while my exam was an 83%. Feels great when your teacher says "What happened?" to you.

My point about bringing up my memory again is that when I am in an intense state of thought, about anything, whether what I have to do when I get home, or some philosophical topic, I slowly start to forget about other things I was thinking of in this state of thought. For example, today I was at work (it was completely dead at the Cafe) and I actually can't remember what exactly I was thinking about right now... Seriously? Okay. This just proves my point. I was thinking about some sociological topic. Thats all I remember. Anyways, I just remember that I would get onto a new stage of thinking and would forget about the other thing I was just thinking before.

I get so frustrated when I am thinking because of this. Which is what inspired the title of my blog. I think so much that I forget parts of my thought and I get frustrated.

Not to mention, the topics I think of (on a daily basis) get me upset and frustrated to begin with, because many people tend not to see things the way I do, so I am at crossroads of what to do.

Even writing blogs, almost every blog I write, I think so much, and at some point I will think "Write about this later" and then I will write the one thought I had, and then forget the original thought. So sometimes what I'll do is write down a sentence or a few words of the one topic and then finish typing out my original thought, so I can go back and remember both things.

I guess I can't multitask with thinking. Thats somewhat logical.

But honestly, how many times do my friends hear me say "What was I just thinking?". I catch myself saying that all the time. And people around me are just like "Uhh, I don't know. You weren't talking.".

I know there are memory activities to do, which I tried. But nothing seems to help unless I write things down and go back to them later. Which is why I carry around a notebook with me almost everywhere. Just so I can remember my ideas and thoughts for later.

I'm just afraid this might impact my future, if I don't have a good memory. But I do find that I EASILY forget things I don't like. Example: I preferred History to Law, and remembered more on the history exam than my law exam.

I don't know. Maybe I should go back to the doctor. But I know she'll just say something again like "You're over thinking it" or "Let's wait it out" or "But your grades are so high!".

Please. Help.

My brain is exploding.

Already addicted

I got two lobe piercings a few weeks ago. I just got a cartilage piercing a few hours ago. By this really nice extremely tattooed and pierced guy. He was actually pretty cool.

Anyways. I want ANOTHER cartilage piercing now.

I am so excited to turn 18 and get a bunch of tattoos as well. FASLKDFJAIEOWACJWECE...

Okay. So I asked my mom if for my birthday, she wouldn't have to buy me anything, but if she could give me permission for a tattoo. (For my 17th.) and she said no. lolwut. I have to wait another year.

I've talked a bit about what tattoos I want before in another blog post. But I'll just list them again. There are some more I want now too.

So the first one I am going to get is a silhouette of a hummingbird on the underside of my left pointer finger.
I also want:
- "Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist" on my right lower stomach/pelvis above my hip boneish..
- "Animal" either tattooed on my right arm on my forearm bone close to my elbow, either that or "Animal" tattooed on my left collar bone, or slightly below or above it
- I'm thinking about a map of the world on the inside of my right forearm or along the tops of my feet
- Either or both "My Opinion Matters" or "My ideas matter" on the inside of my wrist(s)
- I am getting a certain word disguised into something else, behind my ear
- Once I have kids I want their names either on the sides of my hands, or the inside of my fingers
- A purple ribbon around my right hand ring finger with a word hidden in it.

Those are the only ones I have thought of so far. I don't know any other tattoos I want, but I know I want something around my ankle(s) and something on my upper back/shoulder area.

I don't think I'll ever get tattoos on my legs. I think it looks weird. Maybe if its like my lower calve area leading through to my ankle, but otherwise, no.

And never on my face.

Maybe a tramp stamp, maybe other parts of my arms, and maybe around my chest and back of neck.

But just never my face or legs.

I am just so obsessed.

Goodnight.

HI

Oh, Hi there! I forgot I had a life briefly.

Ugh. I can't stop changing my mind/thinking about what I want to do with my life. 

So I am just going to once again, use my blog as more of a public thought organizer.

Okay... to help me decide, I am going to make a list of Goals/Things I want in life, and I am not going to hold anything back:

I want to change society to fit me, and not change me to fit society. 

I want to have children.

I want to travel.

I want to be a life-long student.

I want to teach. 

Okay. Those seem... all completely different.

The first part, is where I want to leave my legacy on earth. I need to change things. People do have identical thoughts to me, they just don't want to admit it. 

FOR EXAMPLE.

Everybody pretty much hates work/their job, or at least can think of better things they'd rather do with their time, right? But we need money, right? To buy things. Well, let me just drag out my ole' communist brain right now. 

Why the actual fuck are we working if we don't like it? 

For money.

Why do we need money?

Because. Thats... the way things are. Thats what society is. 

People don't want to admit they are communist, because of the negative connotations with it. 

Okay, my mom hates when I talk different from society's norms... but today we had this conversation:

Mom: I don't want to go back to work.

Me: Then don't.

Mom: But I have to.

Me: No you don't... 

Mom: I need the paycheque

Me: Why?

Mom: Money.

Me: Why is money important?

Mom: Because...

EXACTLY. RIGHT. THERE. 

Boom, I'm right. 

But I am not saying people shouldn't work. I am just saying that if one doesn't want to work and is unhappy, then they should stop. Either get a new job, or find a new purpose in their life.

What was my point? Oh yeah. I am going to change society. 

My other goal I have is I want to have children. I guess this is pretty straight forward.

Same with Travel. That is also straight forward.

I want to be a life-long student. Okay. So. I basically want to learn forever.

I just have this odd curiosity to constantly learn. I love learning. Learning is food to the brain, and my brain is always hungry. So I hope to learn forever. Whether I am actually enrolled in university for a long time, or I am just reading and making notes all of the time, I'll be happy.

The last one... is complicated. I want to teach.

Now. I want to teach people... I WOULD LIKE to be a teacher. But I am sorry, but I am not going to be a highschool teacher anymore because it is too restricting. I was looking over the teacher code of ethics thing, but no, just no. I am not going to sign my name on a piece of paper to say "I will follow all of these dumb fucked up rules".

No. 

But I still want to teach. My ideas.

Maybe I will give seminars. Maybe I will educate, outside of the school system. 

Either way. I will teach.

Anyways. 

This solves nothing.

I guess I should just roll with it. Go with it, see what happens. Which is what I will probably do.

Until then, I am going to just tell people I am going to be a politician + author when they ask what I am going to do with my life. Because its true. I'm probably going to shoot for somewhere around there, just to get my ideas out. 

Who knows though. 

Life... it really doesn't even matter too much. Which is why I am making it matter for me. 

Honk

I've blogged quite a bit the last week or so. But I am not sure how much more I'll be doing in the next two weeks. I'm just going to break it down day-by-day what I am doing, because I am insanely busy. This is mostly for my benefit, but for the friends that read my blog, they know when I am free (ish).

Monday 20th
Work 9-1 at the Library
Work 3-7 at the Cafe
Gym after the Cafe

Tuesday 21st
Gym in the Morning
Might get my Ear Pierced
Work 4-8
Watch PLL at 8

Wednesday 22nd
Work 9-1 at the Library
Work 3-7 at the Cafe
Then the Gym + Go for a Run

Thursday 23rd
Work 9-1 library
Work 3-7 Cafe
Watch Awkward @ 10:30?

Friday 24
Gym
Work 3-5 Cafe

Saturday 25
9:30-2 Cafe
Maybe working 2-5:30 at the Library. If I'm not working, then I'm going to the gym. Either way, I'm going for a run.

Sunday 26
Gym
FREE! FREEDOM. YAY.

Monday 27
Work 9-1 Library
Gym

Tuesday 28
Hair Dresser
Getting my Schedule from School
Gym
Work 4-8 Library
PLL at 8.

Wednesday 29
Work 9-1? (I think).
Final Run before the Halfie

Thursday 30
Work 9-5(or 4, i Forget)

Friday 31
Heading off To Ottawa

Saturday 1
Running Half-Marathon @ 7 PM

Sunday 2
Coming back from Ottawa
GYM.

Monday 3
HOLIDAY
Gym...

Tuesday 4
School.
Work 5-8
Gym

Wednesday 5
School
Work 3-7
Gym


And yeah...

So. I'm busy. I want to go to the beach sometime... So it would either have to be the 24th (have to be back by 3) the 26th, the 27th or 29th (after I get off work @1), or the 3rd. If we can get in on a holiday.

Goodness. Time to go to sleep. I think that to relax, in between my 9-1 and 3-7 shifts at the Library, that I am just going to eat + read + go on my laptop for those two hours, instead of coming home. At least for tomorrow. Weds + Thurs my mom will have the new car...

Oh yeah. Were getting a new car on Tuesday, because the one my mom has now is starting to crap out. It'll probably cost around 3000 (really ROUGH estimate) to fix it, so she decided to get a new car. She offered me the old car if I am willing to pay to fix it. I basically told her that I would be willing to drive the red car until it completely dies (which it will eventually if it doesn't get fixed) and pay for gas and insurance. Then I realized I'd also have to get plates for the car and etc. If I wasn't going to spain, I probably would pay and get it fixed. But otherwise, no.

So. Goodnight. I need sleep. Getting up at 7amish tomorrrow.

Listlistlistlistlist

Usually I don't really do random personal posts anymore. I usually just rant about something and put my input and opinion and stories into it. But Lauren did a 100(ish) things she did this summer, and I shall do the same.

1. Went to the gym a lot. A lot a lot. A lot. Like. A lot. 

2. Awkwardly went for a walk on Canada day and watched the fireworks by myself. (kind of) it was somewhat unintentional. Either way it happened.

3. Got my G2.

4. Led on a guy and then got bored so stopped talking to him.

5. FINALLY smiled at this guy that I have the weirdest middle school crush on. Awkwardly. Very awkwardly. He stared at me. 

6. Ran a lot. (will run a halfie).

7. Snuck out of the house... a few times.

8. Decided not to be a psychologist anymore.

9. Decided to be a teacher.

10. Decided not to be a teacher anymore. 

11. Decided to not strive for a career.

12. Been in debt the whole time. (except for 4 days).

13. Got my ear done. Still haven't got my cartilage done yet. 

14. Fell out of love with someone.

15. Fell more in love with someone.

16. Went to the beach by myself. 

17. Worked a lot.

18. Fell in love with tattoos.

19. Accidently backed into my neighbours car. Left a few scratches, they said they won't charge me. YES.

20. Cried to someone.

21. Told someone one of my biggest secrets. 

22. Went to Dennys, the mall and Starbucks with Gytha. And realized how much things have changed.

23. Almost hit one of my destie teachers with the car.

24. Went to the beach with Kasi and Lauren at like 8/9pm.

25. Accepted the fact that I am an excellent singer 2% of the time I sing, an average singer 50% of the time, a horrifyingly bad singer 20% of the time, and an okay singer 30% of the time I sing. 

26. Accepted the fact that I don't need makeup.

27. Realized I am isolating myself.

28. Bought way too many clothes.

29. Broke my phone and fixed my phone. Win. Nerd.

30. Called a certain someone. And met up with a certain someone. 

31. Realized how much the people closest to me don't know me very well.

32. TOOK PHILOSOPHY. Somehow managed to get a 100 at midterm and then a 93 final average. 

33. Talked to a counsellor. 

34. Realized how messed up I am.

35. Realized I am not as messed up as I thought I originally was.

36. Realized there is nothing wrong with me and that it is all society's opinion.

37. Was stalked more then once. 

38. Got really nervous around a cop for no apparent reason. 

39. Said "Perf" "Totes" "amaze" "Gorge" "Presh" way too much.

40. Went into Winners at the mall everyday in one week. Never bought anything.

41. Did a 21 day food challenge. Cheated twice. Otherwise, did amazing. 

42. Had a sleepover with Lauren

43. Celebrated Sarah's birthday

45. Skipped #44

46. Was going to ask a chick at the gym if she was related to one of my teachers because they look a lot alike, but chickened out. Why did I include this in my list?

Okay. List is getting dumb. 

2nd List. 9 Dreams I have had this summer:

1. I had a dream that Lambo was my history teacher and that my art student-teacher from last year was a student in the class, and my only friend in the class.

2. Had a dream I was forced onto the school stage at the first assembly to sing a song. I was in Mrs. F's vocals class (she doesnt teach vocals) and they made me do a solo.

3. Had a dream I was forced onto the school stage to win an award. Everybody clapped, and I got 12 pink and 12 red roses, from a teacher, but originally put it under the alias of my mom's friends' names. 

4. I had a dream that Lauren's friend gave me the idea to have a threesome with Lauren and him, so I initiated it, but when Lauren insisted it happened in my mom's bed, I said no and left.

5. I had a dream I kidnapped one of the shaytards' children, when they wouldn't let me move in with them. But then I rented out their house in Idaho, in exchange for their child back.

6. I had a dream I ran into Tina Fey at target.

7. I had a dream I had this large flower tattoo on my left shoulder/shoulder blade. It was gold and pink. And very ugly.

8. I had a dream I was making out with someone in an office at moira.

9. I had a dream I was at a random fair, and I wanted to buy a bracelet, then somebody forced me into this expensive house.

Quote: Run like you stole something

Once again, I speak of Ages.

I talk about ageism and ages and whatever a lot. But here I go again.
Rant time.

Why is it wrong for a young person to date an older person? It is and it isn't.

40 and 50 is fine.

30 and 50 is not.

16 and 21 is not.

25 and 30 is.

What the actual fuck.

Please fuck off society. Please. Just. Die.

It bugs me so much. Generally the girl is slightly younger than the guy, and if its the other way around, that is ALSO considered weird/wrong.

But let's just say that I was dating a 34 year old. What the fuck would you do?

It shouldn't be considered wrong. I never really expressed this in written words. Only through art and talking a bit. But it shouldn't be considered wrong.

I actually discussed this with my english teacher once... Weird enough. But for my Catcher and the Rye essay, when I was saying how it was society's problem and Holden Caulfield is not a misfit, I was saying that it is society's problem that for him, dating older women shouldn't be considered wrong (like when he asked out the coat check girl). I used this along with talking about how society wasn't as accepting in the 50's to people with things like depression, as we are today.

My english teacher did not like my age/dating example. I explained it to her, that even though the age/dating thing is still considered wrong in today's society, this is still a valid point in proving how society is at fault, as society is STILL at fault now.

It took a while, but she understood. She just claimed I didn't explain it well in my essay (which could be partially true) but she really wasn't getting it at first.

Yes, I understand that if I am 16, and I am dating a 34 year old, they might be in a different part in their life i.e., wanting children/already have children, in a steady job, buying a house/paying mortgages.

But just saying, everyone is different. I am a bit ahead of my age, and maybe there is some 34 year old a little below their age, based on society's standards.

Heres the thing:
I have the mentality of a 29 year old
Maturity of a 25 year old
Boobs + Acne of a 12 year old
Feet of a 90 year old
Every thing else of a 16 year old.

I have existed on this earth for 16 years, but I do not follow all stereotypes of a 16 year old. Some, not all. For example: I am writing this blog post as an adult may not rant to the internet like I do, but un-like a teenager, I do not make irrational/random decisions without weighing out the pros/cons.

Back to my point. You should be able to date whatever age you want without society on your back.

Also, on another personal note, I may get into politics. I will not take any politics in University, but I may get involved in them later in life. I don't need education to get into politics.

Philosophy + Sociology are good enough, right? Bahaha. Right.

Quote: To beat em' you have to join em'.

Good Life

What is the Good Life?

This is one of the main questions in Philosophy. Yet again, I find it extremely easy to give a simple answer to.

The good life is different to every person.

It is so easy to say this. Each person decides what their good life is.

Some people say that to have a good life you must be ethical, happy, pleasured, etc.

No. Wrong. Some people get pleasure from pain. Some religions actually believe life is a path of pain and that the true end result will be to be contempt with this and be happy with it.

Some people think that having a family is good. Not having a family is good. Having a job makes a good life, and vice versa.

No two people will ever be alike in any way. Well, thats a lie. Nothing is impossible. But in general, it is highly unlikely. It is about as likely that two people are alike, as it is that the sun won't come up tomorrow. Its still possible, but highly unlikely.

Thats what the good life is. Different to the person.

What is my good life?

My good life is finding solitude in everything. My good life is being happy with who I am and contempt with what I do. Finding pleasure from pain is good. Exploring and learning make a good life. Grow + learn forever.

I can't even describe my good life very well. Its just... the life I'm living now. Even pain and happiness come together and make my life good. My life IS good. No matter what.

My life is choosing to live in a manor that I approve of. Not society. I don't have moral values identical to society, that, I am okay with.

There is no direct path one can take to achieve a good life. But in a path to find a good life, it may take a while.

I just choose to accept the path as my good life. My good life is just life in general. Living. Life. That is all.

What is your good life?

May 20th 2011 June 15th 2012

FJALKCAEMWIORAICAMIEORPWEPORIACMAIE

School. September (4th?) 2012.

FML. In a good way.

School is going to be so weird. I have lost so many friends and I won't have as many friends in my classes. I still have a few friends at school. Maybe I will make new ones. Maybe I will just keep up with my constant isolation of myself.

Other then friends, this year will be weird. There are a few people that I am nervous to see in the fall. Either because I embarrassed myself in front of them over this summer... or, well there is one person who I thought of a LOT over the summer. Usually when I think of someone a lot, the next time I see them I get extremely awkward and weird. So, that will be interesting.

Also, I might join relay. If the coach lets me, as I am in Grade 12 and never was on the team before.

My courses... will be... interesting. Some of them. Exercise science is going to be hard/weird/different. Data Management I am somewhat nervous for. Everything else is pretty normal. I (think) I am going to have the same History, Law and English teacher for those subjects.

Second semester I have peer tutoring as well! That is exciting. That is what I am most excited for. I just hope that I peer tutor one of 2 teacher's classes. Either a Business class or a Geography class, most likely. PLEASE.

I am going to miss not having art, as I have had art every year of highschool. Grade 12 art isn't running. But if Printmaking is running during World issues or Exercise science, I might switch into that...

I'll do GSA again. That was fun :)

Other then that... I am considering quitting my other job (the more recent one). I am going to see how school goes... but by the end of October I will have chosen whether or not to keep it...

I know its kind of sudden, its not like I don't like it there, but I might just save all of my paycheques from there until I have enough for Spain, then quit. I just need more time. I might get a different job. But I am not sure... its just blargh. I probably won't quit, but I am just going to see how grade 12 goes for a bit, as I said.

I want to volunteer more... well. I technically have all my hours. But I do need to submit 2 more signed. But I want to do some tutoring... or some mentoring. OR coaching. Or something like that. Something with kids or other high school students. Maybe. I'm not even sure.

But I do need more time... I know even with JUST the summer, my time has been so limited. Quitting the job would give me more time...

I am not nervous for school. I just know that it will be so different. Last fucking year. Its going to be fucking stressful. I just have this feeling that it is going to be a year filled with random crying outbursts into (insert teacher's name)'s office. Maybe not.

We'll see. But in general, I am fucking excited. SPAIN 2013 WITH THAYER! <3 That will be amazing. I hope I get inspired in Spain. And I WILL go for a run in spain. The best way to see things and travel, is to take a run.

I wonder if I will have any brand new teachers.. I think I am going to have a different one for Exercise Science and World Issues. Maybe Data Management.

HEY. Let's hope that my favourite teacher gets to teach world issues. She is a geo teacher, but I don't think she has ever taught that course.

ASHDFKAJSDFHAUEWNC.

Grade 12. Ready? Set...

Learn.

Quote: Sometimes I like missing people. It feels good.

Constantly changing my mind.

Life:
1) Primary and Highschool
2) University/College
3) Job
4) Marriage
5) Children
6) Grandchildren
7) Retire
8) Die

Sounds about right.

Not for me.

I am not going to live that life. Unless it just happens.

To show you what I mean, let me show you a scenario between two average people.

Person 1: What do you want to do when you are older?
Person 2: I think I want to be an accountant. I have also been looking at other aspects of business as well. How about you?
Person 1: I am not sure what I want to do, but I like history a lot... but I don't think I can make a career out of that. Maybe I'll be a lawyer or something.

That is an average scenario between two people discussing their futures... correct?

Now. Lets add me into this conversation.

Person 1: Sarah, what do you want to do when you are older?
Me: What do you mean?
Person 1: Like what do you want to be.
Me: Oh. I am not sure. I am going to live. Probably continue being a human or something. Go for walks. Hopefully find someone to share my life with. Maybe have some kids or something.
Person 1: Lol no, what job?
Me: Why would I want a job?
Person 2: You NEED a job to live.
Me: You need money to live in this society, yes. But I don't need a job. I don't even need money if I really try.
Person 1+Person 2: Uh..
Me: Let's put it this way. I am not going to worry about money. It may seem naive and stupid, but if I am meant to have money, things will work out in my favour in the end. If not, then I will still survive. I need money to pay things like rent and for food, but realistically you do not need money. Sure, I will accept money and use money and buy things. If I have a job, well that is how I get money. But if my house were to burn down, it wouldn't even matter that much. Material possessions are luxuries. Sure, I may be a little sad at first, but nothing beats what I am going to do.
Person 1: Thats... cool. So what are you going to do....?
Me: I am going to change societies' perspectives on life.
Person 2: How the heck to you expect to do that?
Me: Just watch.

Yes. My name is Sarah Sceviour and I am not striving for a career.

I wanted to be a Psychologist for the longest time, as you know. But I changed my mind because I really started thinking and realized... I can't imagine me being a psychologist. I like Psychology, but I do not want to be a psychologist.
The main reason I wanted to be a psychologist was because I wanted to help people. I wanted to help people understand themselves. I wanted to make people feel happy. All because thats what my Psychologist when I was 11/12 did.

Then I wanted to be a teacher, for about 2 months. This was because I have had amazing teachers and wanted to do what they do. I want to teach. I still want to teach. But not in the classroom setting. My thoughts and ideas are the type of thing that will get me fired from a teaching job. Ontario employees cannot think the way I do.

But I am going to go to university. I am going because I want to learn. I am not going to university to get a job.

The purpose of school.. is to learn. If the ONLY REASON you are learning, is to get a job, then you are completely misunderstanding the purpose of education and you should probably drop out. But if you are also going to university for YOURSELF then go ahead. But if you are going because you "have to" have a job and you "have to" conform to society and you "have to" listen to your parents, drop the fuck out.

You completely are misunderstanding everything. Drop out and go eat a chocolate bar. You will feel much better. Actually in the long run broccoli is better... but thats besides the point. Unless material possessions are everything to you, ( in this case stay in school because you are going to need to earn a lot of money to buy the shit you want) drop out.

 So... if I am not striving for a career, what am I going to do?

Not exactly sure. I will find out. I might write a book. I might start a blog. I might make vlogs for youtube. Of what? My ideas.

So... if I am going to university... what am I studying?

Double major in Philosophy and Sociology. Emphasis on Philosophy. I need to get my Philosophical views out there. They NEED to be heard. Whether I create a riot and people hate me, or people listen to me and decide to come along with my on my journey to change the world, I will be happy.

I need to be heard.

Its not even a yes or no... I will be heard.

I will learn in university, so I know more. I may complete a PhD in Philosophy, I may not. But I don't need a degree to talk and scream my opinions at the world.

As I said, I am going to school to learn.

Also, to clarify. I am not striving for a career, but if one happens, hey, thats cool. If suddenly I am desperate for money, sure I'll go job hunting. But I think that somehow, I will get money.

That is the only part of what I want to do that seems naive and stupid. I may be broke or in debt. Sure, that isn't necessarily a good thing, but I would rather using my VALUABLE TIME to do something AMAZING and be broke, then waste my time at a suck-ass job and have money.

I can get a PhD in Philosophy and hope that a university hires me to think. Yes, that is an occupation. Rare, but existent.

Maybe I'll get into politics or something. Who knows. Thats why I am going to university, to learn about my possibilities.

Maybe there is still a career out there for me. But for now, I am self-employed.

Except for my two part-time jobs I currently have. But that is because I choose to have them. Besides, I do HALF of my "THINKING" there. (Have you seen the Big Bang Theory where Sheldon gets a job at the cheesecake factory to think while he does menial tasks... that is like me, except I also like the money) (Yes I know I just contradicted myself).

That is enough for now.

Quote: Don't waste time. Time is precious and you never know how much of it you have. Use every second to your advantage. - Sarah Sceviour

Can't wait

All my life I have just wanted to grow up. Be older.

I wanted to be able to make decisions on my own, have my own family, and get out of school.

This has been me for a long time. Especially once I hit high school. It has just... developed. I just want to have kids right now. I want to be out of university now. I want to have my first house now.

I feel like mentally I am 29. Why do I want to grow up so bad?

I can't think of anything really in my past in which I had to accept responsibility for that would make me want to grow older... if that makes sense. I don't think its connected to my dad passing away or moving to Belleville or anything.

Maybe its just because my mom smothers me so much? But thats still not just the only thing...

Is it possible that those "parts" of my brain that people talk about that teenagers don't have or haven't developed enough, I already have?

Science seems to be so obsessed with parts of the brain that still have not developed yet, which explain why teenagers act irrationally or more like without thinking through the consequences. Ie., hopping in cars with drunks, drinking, smoking, pretty much any of these type of things you can think of, which you may think are not the best choices. But in the moment, science says teenagers aren't able to think out their actions fully to see the consequences, so they just do that thing.

That is not me! Not me at all! I over think everything. Including this.

I've never made any "poor choices" which really, based on my philosophy, there is no such thing as poor choices. There can be no general idea of what a poor choice is. If you think what you did was a poor choice, then it was a poor choice. If somebody else thinks what you did is a poor choice, it was a poor choice to them, but that does not change your opinion of whether or not what you did was bad or not.

But by me saying there is "no such thing as poor choices" does not mean that I will judge people and that I will think they made a poor choice. But although I think they made a poor choice, they may not think they have.

Okay, anyways, this isn't a philosophy lesson.

I'm just tired of being treated like a "teenager" when I am not one. I have approached this topic in almost every post I have written, I swear. It is just one of my biggest.. pet peeves is not the word I am looking for.

I just don't get the appeal of acting irrationally. It doesn't appeal to me to get shit faced and party. It doesn't appeal to me to randomly sext and send nudes. I am not sorry. It just doesn't make sense to me. Why would I participate in something that doesn't interest me in the slightest?

But I can't wait for University. I want out of university now. But that is obviously not happening since I am not done high school.

I decided. I am moving the fuck out. I am not even going into University residence. People say I need it for the "Experience". Yes, what experience? The partying aspect? Social aspect? Sorry... have you met me? I am independent and quiet. I think I would do perfectly fine not in residence thank-you very much.

The only issue might be travel... but it depends. I am not going to have a car. But I am going to find an apartment and move out permanently out of Belleville. No "coming home for summer" shit. I am getting out.

Anyways. Enough rant for tonight.

Quote: I'm not saying that University/College is a good idea or a bad idea, its up to you. The government wants you to get higher education, but if that is not something you want to do, then fuck society.

So many realizations.

The past two days have been a bit of a mindfuck time travel thing.

I have just been thinking so much of why am the way I am today, and how I got this way. Etc.

Yesterday I actually literally told someone EVERYTHING. Literally EVERYTHING that has been on my mind the last month or two... especially the last month or two. It felt good. Writing it out made me feel so much better. I knew it would. I have written like journals, but just telling someone made me think about things more.

I solved one of my own problems even. But one of my other problems just became even more confusing to me.

But I finally got my "good cry" in. I'm not sure if I published that blog post, but I think I once spoke of wanting to cry and not being able to. Well I finally did. It felt good.

Anyways. Today I continued my thinking. I got to see one of my old friends, and I started thinking back to grade 7/8 a lot more. I realized something for the first time: in grade 7/8 I was known as the girl whose father passed away.

I am not that girl. I never was. Well. I was. But I didn't even realize it!

The other thing I have realized in the past few weeks is that I blocked out a lot of stuff out of my life. I blocked out A LOT of stuff that happened between 2005-2007. I don't remember any of it. Well. I do remember a lot of it, but definitely not all of it. I can feel there are pieces missing. I kind of want to find these pieces, no matter how much pain they bring me.

I want to talk to more people from 2005-2007 that were around me. There is one teacher that I had in destinations that I really want to talk to... I know it will be kind of weird talking to her. But I just want to ask her what I was like, and what she really thought of me. I also want to thank her, because I realized she knew me more then I knew myself then. I didn't actually realize how much she meant to me until recently.

Is it weird that I always just want to talk to teachers? I know it is. But I just feel like I trust the opinion of adults more then people around me. Teachers just happen to be generally trustworthy people around me. Family and Friends aren't always the best people to turn to. So many teachers have helped me with so many problems in my life.

Anyways.

I keep seeing people around me that look like people I know. Its really random too...

There was about a week in which I saw people that looked like my mom's friend that passed away. At one point I kept seeing people that looked like my boss from work. I keep seeing people that look like one of my teachers too. Also, today I saw somebody that looked like one of my friends.

Its just so weird. And random.

That is all for now.

Busy as fuck.

Why am I so busy? Oh right.

Well, it is a good thing. I think. Today I sat down to think: there are only 3 weeks this summer I have worked less then 10 hours and/or haven't had school.

That would be this week, the second week of summer Vaca and in the future  Aug: 12-17.

I mean, it is a good thing. I am happier than I was last summer. But it just sucks that this summer when I am trying to make plans with friends... I can't. Everybody is busy.

But then again, I just keep losing friends more and more all through highschool. I only made 2 new friends in all of highschool. Kinda sucks. I guess.

But then again, it really doesn't. Its not bad to admit I like to be alone. But as a human, I do need social interaction to not breakdown.

Basically all of July I had online summer school, I picked up extra hours at the cafe (only a few) and 3 weeks this summer I am covering people's holidays at work. Other than that, I am super busy at the gym. I go around 14 hours a week. A little less and a little more depending. Which is a lot now that I think about it... I usually go for 1hr-3 hours, depending on things like what I am working out, and if I am doing cardio AT the gym or not.

My running is taking up more and more time now too. Longer runs = longer time running. Obvi.

I am probably going to show up back to school acting like all of my characters on my favourite TV shows, and like the people at the gym. Its the only things I know anymore.

But I won't give up yet. I am going to go to the gym soon. Shit. I meant beach. Yes, I will be going to the gym soon, tomorrrow. Wait. No I won't. Tomorrow is my rest day. Sunday.

MONDAY IS A FUCKING HOLIDAY PEOPLE.

Yessss.

Okay. So. Yup. Thats it.

Quote: "If you look too hard you won't find who you are looking for."

My biggest Pet Peeve as of late

I hate when old men hit on me.

I actually HATE it so much.

I was reading into it. The one article was making it seem like it would be MY fault. For either looking older/dressing older, dressing with less clothing, etc.

It only happens when I am alone too!

By "old men" I mean men upwards of 50. A few below that. But usually full-on grey haired men.

I really hate it. Maybe I should be "flattered" but no, I really am not. It is creepy and gross.

Its weird that I hate it so much, considering my taste in men tends to be older... in general. Not always. But that older is more like around 40 years old. And its actors. And attractive men. And... not creepy men.

But thats besides my point.

My point is that if you are a man, and it is possible for you to have a daughter ESPECIALLY a granddaughter  my age, and you feel the urge to stare at me, my ass or say "Hey Gorgeous" you may be at risk for a slap or me puking on your face in the future.

I am actually getting so sick and tired and frustrated with it. I honestly want to slap them. But some of the guys are so old I feel they would fucking topple over. Most of them aren't THAT old.

But seriously. They need to leave me alone.

But yes, usually (not always) creepos only hit on me when I am dressed with less clothes on. But thats not an excuse to hit on me. If I was sweaty and wearing no makeup like I am at the gym you wouldn't hit on me!

Oh wait. YES YOU WOULD. Its called morning jogging. Morning running. Oh my god. If you want to see all of the pervs in Belleville go for a run anytime in between 6am-8am.

I wonder if they walk on purpose just to see women, or if they are actually lonely at 7am and decide to go for a lonesome walk.

It's disgusting to me.

For fun, let me share my 3 funniest and or creepiest "old man creepo" stories.

#3 The old man who seemed somewhat innocent sitting in the cafe while I was at work. But then wouldn't stop staring at me. He tried to make awkward conversation with me. Then he pointed out I was left handed (when I told my mom this story she was like OH MY GOD THAT COULD BE A SEX THING hahahah). Then his WIFE came into the cafe, ordered a coffee, sat down and he stopped talking to me. Did I mention he tipped me like $3 for a coffee that costs $1.70?

#2 The guy who asked how old I was, where I went to school, then told me he was 44 and I was too young for him and I shouldn't get into any "trouble". Then he suggested we get into trouble together. Then he tried to continue a somewhat normal conversation with me, then said "I was joking... maybe".

#1 This one was one of the first times ever being creeped by a creepo. I went for a walk early in the morning one day by the waterfront. A little old man (probably about 65-75 yrs old) was walking by with a cane in one hand and a camera in the other. He said "Hi!" I was like "Hi". Then he said "HI GORGEOUS! Smile!" took my picture said "This is a keeper" then walked away.

Usually old men will just stare at me or something. Sometimes the younger ones say "Hey gorgeous" or "Hey beautiful".

I hate to be offensive, but that is only okay if one or more of these are true
a) You are not married and you are attractive
b) You are my age(iish)
c) You are attractive
d) You are my friend

I am getting fed up with this.

Dear old men: Leave me the fuck alone.
Signed: Maybe your Grandson or Son's future wife.