Am I a pessimist or non-conformist? Part 2

It's not absolutely peril that you read "Am I a pessimist or non-conformist?" to understand this post, but it is a continuation.

I was talking about how I am a fairly negative person, generally. I don't consider myself a pessimist, it's just I try to make sure that the negatives in the good things get pointed out.

Yesterday, in the class I tutor in, a student was trying to tell me something and finally she found the words and said something along the lines of "You are a really positive person like oh everything is good just look at it this way".

I was just like whaaaaaaa, because I consider myself a negative person. But I guess that is just what is in my head, and that otherwise I seem positive.

In the class I tutor in, I try to be positive to make up for all of their negativity ex: "I don't want to do this" "This is stupid" "I'm being bullied" "I'm going to fail", etc.

I guess maybe I am more positive to them.

But I hate seeming like Miss. Perfect, because they know I get fairly good grades and that I try fairly hard on most things in school, so I went on to tell them how I think I am negative. They just kind of looked at me, so then I just mocked the one girl's face and they laughed. I find myself actually trying to prove myself to be not Miss. Perfect to them, and I tell them a lot of stories about me that are the type of things I put in my blog and don't talk about face-to-face with people, like my dad's death, my restraining order against my dad, my crying fits and panic attacks. Yesterday I told them how I was upset one day and just walked out of class. But I also did this to console this other girl who was telling us a similar story, and I wanted to comfort her and let her know that she's not alone. I also told her something someone told me, is that if you are fuming and upset and angry, that you should just walk out of class, cry, scream, do whatever you need to, and not let it bunch up.

I think I am negative, but I seem like I am positive, but I am really negative and positive. Aren't we all?

This reminds me of something else. One time one of my teachers told me that I am "sensitive", because we were talking about horoscopes and Scorpios and water signs are usually seen as sensitive. But I just flat out said no I'm not, but then she said again that she thinks I am, but after arguing back and forth for a bit she was kind of like "Okay maybe you're not".

So that day I thought about it some more "Am I sensitive?" I don't think "sensitive" is the first word that comes to mind when I think of myself. But it can be thought of in a few different ways, sensitive like when somebody says something to me, I react, or sensitive like I am intuitive with others' feelings. I think she meant the second one. But either way, I thought about it and I could see myself as sensitive.

I kind of felt bad that I just turned down the fact that I was. It is just one of those memories that I think is probably going to stick around for a long time.

But the thing was and still is, is that I don't like being known as sensitive. I don't want to be known as the nice, sensitive, optimist. I hate that. I used to thrive on that stuff, but now i just hate it.

But  don't want to be negative, mean and insensitive. I guess I am both.

I don't want to say deep down I am sensitive and positive, and on the surface that I have a negative shell, because I feel like to certain people I just show what I want to. I'm not going to be outright mean to anyone unless I think I need to be. But I am not going to go out of my way to help people either.

I just do whatever I want.

I am cynical, critical and skeptical, which is why I like having this negativity about me, because I do think that society and things should be questioned, and it helps to have a negative mind for that.

Are you a negative or a positive person?

Am I a pessimist or non-conformist?

I tend to look at the negatives and things and specifically find the negative things in people, events, causes, etc.

I don't think it is a bad thing. My mind is extremely twisted compared to society, though.

I don't think being sad, depressed, angry, pessimistic, negative, etc., is actually "wrong" at all.

Maybe I am not a pessimist. I generally don't expect the worst in the world, I don't expect the good either. I try to look at things rationally. I do look for the bad in good things, though. But I don't expect bad things to happen. I also don't believe everyone is inherently evil, but I also don't believe everyone is inherently good. I think some people are and some people aren't "evil" or "bad". Although this gets me into the philosophical discussion of "What is good? and what is bad" which I am not getting into right now.

I don't totally think I am the definition of a pessimist. But I definitely am not an optimist. I'm just a negative person, I suppose. Negative, not pessimistic. Maybe my viewpoint is just different from everyone else's, well I know it is.

I used to be an extremist optimist around grade 7-9, especially in grade 8. I remember having like three different smiley face necklaces, which I would wear. On this one website whyville.net, I used to go on, my avatar was always wearing something that was a smiley or said "be happy" or something like that. I celebrated random weird holidays like "mint chocolate day" and used to skip around school like an annoying destinations student. (Destinations was a program for grade 7-8 students I was in).

I don't know when that exactly ended, but sometime when I first got into high school, probably.

The more I look at it, the more I see I am not really a pessimist. I am more of just a non-conformist, and since the conformist thing to do is to be happy and be an optimist, I just try to do the opposite of that. I'd really like to be able to understand the psychology of a non-conformist, better. I always strive to do the opposite of the majority.

For example, you know that really light colour green that is really popular right now (like this), well I used to absolutely love that colour like 1-2 years ago. Now it is overused, and I hate it with a passion.

Maybe I just try to bail on society and conformity. I'm not sure. But for whatever reason, I just hate the thought of being the same as everyone else, which is why I have essentially isolated myself, became quite the individualist and egoist. I just try to express the fact that I am a single person, there is only one of me. I have always thought this, even when I was what I call an "extremist optimist". I always said "be yourself!". I also remember thinking to stop saying "Be yourself" because everyone always says that, and to say something different. So I guess I was sort of a non-conformist back then, too.

I'm just negative. It's funny because I love being a negative person, and you think that I'd be super serious (which I usually am) but I am obsessed with comedy at the same time. I just need to balance out my cynical thoughts with weird brain-killing comedy shows and comics.

I'm glad I wrote this post, because it actually helped me figure out that I am not a pessimist. I went in writing this blog post, to try to convince my readers I am. But now I don't think so. Just a negative non-conformist. Carpe diem?