Technology in the Classroom is... frowned upon?

Not too long ago while I was in high school, my teachers taught me that technology and having laptops will be a huge thing within colleges and universities. I am only speaking on behalf of my experience at the university I attend, but this is not the case.

Some of my profs suggest "laptops are useless in the lecture hall unless you have a disability that requires you to use one." Professors prefer people to take pen & paper notes, which I also prefer.

It's no lie that laptops are distracting, to not only the person using it who is tempted to surf the web, but the person next to them gets distracted from the lecture as well, curious as to what the darting moving pages are on the screen. I can't directly quote which study this is, but professors of mine claim that there is a study that shows the people sitting around the person using the laptop are more distracted by the laptop than the person with the laptop.

Profs of mine hate cell phones as well, which is easily justified because they can be a nuisance if they go off. One of my professors even asks us to turn them off, and is very serious about it.

Technology has its place in the classroom, but I agree with my professors. It is distracting.

In my philosophy and english classes especially, tech is not as necessary.

The key tool I have learned is necessary in classes is complete and total attention. Some professors even ask for you not to take notes because they want you to be absorbed in the material and they upload their notes or power points later. This I agree with for the most part, other than the odd key point I want to jot down then and there to help me remember it.

The reason why I am pointing this out is because of the way people see technology as progressive, when some professors and I suggest many schools are against new technologies in the classroom. Of course, while writing papers or researching, they are very useful. But that is not what they are used for in lecture.

In lecture I bring a notepad and some pens and my iPad in case I need it/for break. I also bring my phone and I might check it once every half hour to see if my fiancé texted me. But in general I try to refrain from doing so. I rarely use my iPad during class. I usually use it before class to check my e-mails and then maybe play around with it during our break in our long lectures.

What do you think? Do you think laptops have a place in the classroom?

Arguably, I believe that they can, but most often are unnecessary. If a person works best with a laptop, then let them use it and maybe ask them to sit at the back or the sides as to distract as few as possible. Unless of course they have a disability or impairment, making them need to sit at the front with a laptop. As a student, the only problem I really have is when people are doing things on their laptop that are unnecessary, like going on facebook or playing a game. If you are doing that, you should be sitting at the back. I find that distracting.

The funniest thing about it all is that whenever a professor gives a talk on not going on facebook during lecture, I always see at least one person on their laptop on facebook.

Perspective Post #1

I said I would post 2 posts by Wednesday about my so called "journey" in Belleville. It's boring, but at least it is something to do. I just got back about an hour ago, I'm just waiting for my boyfriend to get home from work. Despite me saying they will be posted BY Wednesday, I will post this post on Wednesday and pre-write the second one to be posted tomorrow.

Anyways, my two posts are going to be about gaining perspective. By this I mean looking at my life and myself in different ways. The first post will be about reviewing my past and interpreting present events (sort of). The second post will be focusing more on my relationship with my boyfriend and what perspective I gained from being away from him for a few days (it doesn't sound like a lot but we've seen each other everyday since Christmas so it was our first break in a while).

I have been complaining I have been bored lately. But I have solved that problem on this trip. Again, sort of.

My biggest problem is that I do not have a full-time job while my boyfriend does. I talked to a bunch of people from my high school (teachers and friends) and my mom and feel a lot better about my situation. I was talking to one of my teachers and she just was like "Wow, you sound all set!" despite me not having a full-time job.

I have a car, a great relationship, a part-time job, I know where I want to go education wise (For the most part). I'm set. How am I so dumb to not see this?

Sure, I have a lot of time on my hands but I should really just take advantage of this and finally start a BOOK! Use my time to actually do some learning on some subjects I want to learn about outside of school.

If I don't find a full-time job by the summer-school semester I will pick up a course or two using money from my education fund (this never occurred to me because I didn't want to touch my education fund this year).

Anyways. From high school to now I feel...: personality wise: I feel the same, except more confident. Body wise: I have gained a couple of pounds and lost a bit of endurance but I am working on that. But I do feel different. More mature, more loved (by my boyfriend), more of an alcoholic (not an actual alcoholic)... I don't know. I've just grown up. As one of my old teachers said, "Wow! You look great! You've matured so much!"

This reflection really seems all over the place. I don't know. My teachers asked me if I enjoyed school, it was quite hard saying that I didn't.

I also noticed myself saying "Oh well" to a LOT of people. Is that my thing now? Saying "Oh well"?

Oh well.

So, I don't have a learning disability.

Last year I noticed something different a few months after I started my first year of university. I was having trouble concentrating on material, in lectures and while studying and writing assignments. I was pretty sure I had ADD. Most others around me also thought I had ADD when I described my symptoms to them. Thus, the journey began.

I approached my family doctor about my concerns and she referred me to my school to be tested for learning disabilities because she wouldn't prescribe me anything without a diagnosis. So I went to my school. They did some preliminary testing and told me that I am above average in my intellectual ability but I might be on the borderline of ADD. This was all found out around November, 3 months after I started university.

Today I finally had my appointment with the testing centre. My results? I don't have ADD. I don't have any learning disabilities. Again: I am above average in my intellectual ability.

I literally stumped the psychologist. My grades have dropped 20% since high school. Something is different, something has had to have changed.

Inevitably, grades do drop in university from high school but things just feel harder here. Or easier. I am bored. The material I am learning is not what I want to be learning. I find it boring. I love my majors (psychology and philosophy) but my profs are not doing it justice.

I explained all of this to the psychologist and he has decided to try to piece things together. Essentially, he thinks my inability to focus on my work has to do with my motivation, despite me having very high goals in my future. I have amazing goals it is just the tasks I have to accomplish to get to my goal (school) is not my cup of tea. I am stressed all of the time. I am bored. I am unengaged. I do not care about what I am learning. Even if I transferred schools it would still be the same format of learning.

So what do I do? The psychologist I saw informed me he was going to dwell on me a little longer and then contact the learning strategist I have been working with at my school and the three of us will work together. 

I wish I had a learning disability. I wish my problems could be solved with strategies or medication. But my problems are bigger than this because they cannot be fixed. My problems are my choices to face because of the goals I want to accomplish. 

This is the biggest rut of my life. I am sad. I am depressed. School depresses me. But I want to attain my BA in Psych and BA in Philosophy and then my Bachelor of Education, perhaps my masters in Education. Why? Well, I want to teach high school. I was fed up with the high school educational system and I wanted to help fix it from within but also teach high school as well to fulfill my passion for educating and being a leader. I am now leaning towards wanting to work in university education just because of how much it takes out of me. 

The system does not work for me. It does not work for most people. Human purpose is to live. A part of living is sleeping. University students do not get enough sleep. People should be able to live the life they choose but instead we pick the unhappy route so we can conform to society. This has been troubling me for a couple of years now and I still am conforming to all of this bullshit and it is maddening me. It is depressing me. It is pushing me deeper and deeper down into my own despair.

I shouldn't care this much about the university and education system in general but I am the type of person that likes to take charge and fix things and that is what I have been inspired to do. 

But for now, I am going to keep conforming to depression. Also, I can't do anything without a degree because of credentialism. I also cannot do anything because ageism (I am 18). 

Although, I did just get a good job (FINALLY). Readers may remember getting a job was one of my goals for this year. I am a Blog Editor and Marketing coordinator, it is an executive position with my university. I don't know too much about it because I was just hired and I have not started yet, but I find out tomorrow. I am looking forward to it. I am fairly lucky, job wise, compared to other people my age. I am not working a part-time shitty stressed job with some fast food or chain store. Someday I will probably have to again, before I have my degree, but for now, I look forward to having a job that I can actually do something effectively in. I am not putting down workers of chain stores or fast food stores, I am just judging the work of those places to have higher stress than my job and I am just thankful that I will (hopefully) not have to deal with it.

So at least that is good.

But I don't have a learning disability. I probably just have the psychological disorder called "conformity".

Can I call myself a non-conformist?

I used to call myself a non-conformist in high school, yet one of the largest things I claimed to not conform to was high school. I called high school out on all of its bullshit but I stayed and completed my diploma. I did not even want to go to university just because of credentialism and conforming to society's requirements of me. But I am at university.

So now I ask myself, am I even a non-conformist? I kind of dropped this description for myself a while ago.

I don't think it is necessary to declare oneself as practicing a certain philosophy like non-conformity, but I like to be sure of myself. I like to be able to find myself to be easily defined. I don't know. I am precise and weird like that.

So am I a non-conformist?

I am following all of society's conformities but I recognize that I am doing so. The difference between a university student attending university passively because they were told to go and myself is that I made the choice to attend an institution recognized in society as a credible way to get an education.

I do think that most people that are able to recognize the words conformity and non-conformity automatically drift towards non-conformity just because it seems like the more creative... that's not the word I'm looking for... it seems like the more liberal way to go. Not even liberal. It just seems like the choice one should make, I suppose.

Conformity does have its place. Chaos can occur in a non-conformist society but, I don't necessarily fear chaos, although, my character and background do suggest that I do like order. It is nice, but that is because I am in a structured society so I think it is expected.

I don't know. It's a hard call to diagnose myself as a non-conformist. I know that it is weird diction to call this a "diagnosis" but it feels like that is all I am really doing anymore. Trying to find what is wrong with me and what is right. I am just trying to figure out myself, still. I always am.

Whether or not I am a non-conformist is actually pretty irrelevant considering the fact that I consider myself a skeptic. I think. Maybe I am not a skeptic? Any philosopher/skeptic will get that joke. I hope. Please? Come on! That was solid.

Okay now I am just being dorky.

In general I would lean towards saying I am a non-conformist over being a conformist, although I feel like I obviously do not exude the qualities of a non-conformist. I don't refuse to do everything in society but I am aware of conformities in society and have a tendency to avoid them. I think that being a non-conformist is horrible for myself since I am still choosing to live in society. I hate doing assignments and studying in university because I don't think I am learning what I personally want to learn from it. Sure, I am studying subjects I like but I am not studying exactly what I want and not learning what I want either because university is structured learning. What I learn is dictated to me, which I hate. Therefore, my grades have a tendency to suffer since I am not enjoying myself as much and it takes me longer to get around to doing things I don't want to do.

It is not overly crucial for me to analyze whether or not I am a non-conformist, I just thought it was an interesting thought I had and went with it in this blog post. As I said, I just really like figuring myself out. I feel super dorky writing this post because I feel like it was what I blogged about close to a year ago. Not that I was dorkier then (well I was), I just feel like I have moved past a few things in my life and so it feels weird writing this post. I don't know. Here's me, just analyzing and over-analyzing every little detail of what I am writing and my life.

Dear University, I hate you.

I hate university.

I absolutely and positively hate university.

Why? I have learned nothing of value yet. I am at midterms in my second semester and I have learned nothing that has any value to me whatsoever. It is not that I am in the wrong program or at the wrong school, I love philosophy and psychology. It is just I am surrounded my professors who do not care about us. I am in an environment that does not support learning.

High schools and primary schools have a pretty good grasp on engaging students but just because we are paying thousands and thousands of dollars every year to learn, doesn't mean we are automatically engaged.

Sitting passively in a lecture hall isn't helping anyone. The material is dull, the professor isn't engaging and the slideshow really isn't helping anything.

I am bored. This is boring.

What I have learned about university is:
1) You learn EVERYTHING about one course from ONE book. This makes no sense. You have one textbook, maybe a few other books for one class and you are expected to learn everything about that one area or subject of study from those few materials. This doesn't seem very fair. The courses could be better constructed without following the textbook, or better than that, write the textbook to be tailored to a better course, Mr. Doctor.
2) Professors pretend to know everything. Sure, they know everything about their own subject but they assume this makes them better than most others. Of course, this is a generalization, there are some professors that aren't like this but, the truth is many of my professors and others I have met just seem to act like they know all.
3) You need a degree to do anything of value to earn money. I am in university and I can't even get a part time job at the mall. I've been searching for months.
4) Your program is not in the slightest bit tailored to you like high school was. High school had levelling to help you adjust to the material. University doesn't have this. Of course, you are expected to have a degree of intellect if you are in university. There is academic support for people who need tutoring. But what about me? I do not learn by reading or sitting in lecture, which is what university is. I learn by self-teaching myself. I learn with assignments. I learn with experience and actually doing things. But I can't learn that way to get my BAs in psych and philosophy.
5) You are an undergrad. Not a genius. You don't have a BA or BSc, or whatever you are aiming for. You are practically a child compared to people with PhDs.

I hate this. I have learned nothing, yet I hold around a 75% average. This tells you what university is like. There is the odd lesson or lecture that naturally engages me but for the information that is dull and needs to be learned, there has to be an alternate way.

Everyone hates studying. It is literally suffering for me. I feel like I am going to die. I go into mental breakdowns almost every time I try to study.

It is just not my cup of tea.

New Years Resolutions + Tips on How to Stick to your Goal (and why I hate them)

I hate new years resolutions so much. I love making goals it is just the idea that we have to make goals at the end of the year for the beginning of the new year is just arbitrary and let's face it--- just setting the goal doesn't work.

It never works. You can't just say "I am going to do ______" and then do it, you need to create measurable, actual steps towards that goal. Not many people realize this and therefore their goals are not completed.

Goals are amazing. Nothing is really ever completed without a goal, unless it was a fluke or opportunity. But you aren't going to lose 50lbs by fluke, I'm sorry to break it to you. I love goals. But too many goals created around this time are left unfulfilled and it drives me crazy. The idea of only being able to create goals around this time is also not the best because you can create goals at any time in your life, not just at the end of a year.

Although, I have been procrastinating actually writing out my own goals so I am doing that now and here. I am taking advantage of the mob of people writing resolutions to write my own.

So here are my tips to complete your goals:

1) Write it down.
As unoriginal as this sounds, your goal becomes more real when written on paper. Put it somewhere you will constantly see it and be reminded of it.

2) Create reasonable and timely steps.
Do you remember "SMART" goals from school or work? Yes, yes they are fucking annoying. But guess what? They work. If you do not know what "SMART goals" are, click here for a good resource.

3) Be REALISTIC.
In the word "SMART" the "R" stands for realistic. I think this is a very important step to be taken seriously. Don't set a goal you can't attain. Maybe you want to run a marathon by the end of the year but then you think 1) Marathons in the winter are cold and I don't think I'll be ready by fall, 2) I need to lose weight first and 3) My eating patterns need to change, then you are probably setting something currently unattainable. If you change the time limit to a further date and make baby steps and create smaller goals like losing 10 pounds in 6 weeks, then you can work towards a larger goal.

4) SMALLER GOALS
Even if you think it is hard to come up with smaller goals to complete for apart of your larger goal do it! Write a minimum for 15 small goals to do your big goal and write one of those small goals to be completed immediately. For example, if you want to eat healthy in the new year, a first immediate step could be to research what your body needs in the way of fruits, veggies, calories, carbs, etc. A lot of people's problems are that they don't follow through with these goals. You may have decided to get in shape by getting a gym membership, but as a gym member I can't tell you how it pains me to see people pile into the gym for the first few weeks and then disappear. Force yourself to do personal training, write in advance for the whole year what days you will go to the gym.

5) Don't rush
Don't rush through your goal and make a lot of progress in January to be forgotten about the rest of the year. This goes along with the creating of smaller goals.

6) & Don't forget!
Keep your goal fresh in your mind. Write it everywhere. Put reminders on your phone. Tell your friends to remind you. Do whatever it takes to not forget to complete your small goals in order to achieve your larger goal.

7) KNOW WHY!
Why are you even completing your goal? For example, many people just decide to lose weight because they should and it's been on their mind but then they forget the reason. Is it to be healthy? To run a marathon? Write the significance at the end of your goals and remind yourself of it daily.

I really encourage everyone creating goals to follow these steps and the steps of "SMART" goals. Do what it takes to get what you want.

Anyways, so here are my goals. You can use my goals as sort of a template to write your own as well.

1) I will run my marathon in under 4hrs 30 mins. I have signed up for a marathon for early May and it is my first marathon. I hope to run it in under 4hrs and 30 mins. I am going to complete this goal by running a minimum of twice a week. I will also be able to run 32km by the end of March. I will stretch after every run to avoid injury. I will eat properly by getting the right amount of carbs and I will hydrate properly as well. I want to complete this marathon because I want to know that I can run 42.2km and I want to be healthy.

2) I will have an average over 70% in university. I will accomplish this task by completing the majority if not all of my readings, leaving enough time to study before each exam and test, fully editing my papers, participating in class discussions, visiting profs when I am having issues, prioritizing what needs to get done and completing all tasks. I want to accomplish this goal because I want an honours BA.

3) I will get a job before the summer. I will accomplish this goal by applying to places, not giving up and looking twice a week online for new openings. I want to get a job so I can earn money to not deplete my education fund too much.

4) I will manage my money and not overspend. I will create a budget and I will stay in my budget by tracking my spending and prioritizing my needs and not buying things that are unnecessary too often. I want to do this so I can come out of university with no debt and without needing a loan other than OSAP.

Good luck on the creation of your own goals! Let me know your goals in the comments.

Are you sure you want to go to post-secondary?

It has become a societal norm to go to college or university after high school. Is this necessarily a bad norm though? In my opinion, not at all. Education and learning are the most important things in one's life. It's all we really do. We learn things all of the time. We learn to communicate with others, we learn to do new things, everything we do has been learnt at one point in our lives. But the problem is that universities and colleges aren't as focused upon this idea of "learning" anymore.

Anyways, let me approach the actual question. Are you sure you want to go to post-secondary?

Reasons to go:

You really cannot get a job without it... that is a lie. You can. Many people do. You can even probably find a fairly good job without it, but you do need to make connections to get a job. So unless you have connections before entering post secondary to give you an amazing job in which you can still move up in to better salaries and this job will make you happy, you are set. But as it stands, more people do not have these connections, so you need to go to university/college to make these connections.

It actually isn't that bad. Despite what I said earlier, you do learn some valuable lessons. Although considering the fact that I am in english/psych/philosophy you can't do much with those degrees without a PhD unless you want to be a teacher. So I have learned valuable lessons but the classes and programs that teach you these valuable lessons aren't going to get you as good of a job. Liberal education doesn't prepare you for the monetary world we live in. I was representing the english department at my school and a grandmother was finding out information with her granddaughter about the program because she is a really good writer but she wants her to get a job and was wondering what a BA in english could do for it. I told it to her straight up, "Not much". It is an extremely valuable education... just not in terms of money.

It is a norm. Simply, post-secondary is just something we do. Although your liberal education may teach you to operate outside of some of the norms, and I am also telling you to, both of us will also tell you that is really hard. Acting against the majority is hard. This is why you should go to school after high school.

Reasons not to go. Instead of giving you actual reasons, I'll just tell you what I have learned so far in university.

1) University is completely illogical. I want to become an english & philosophy high school teacher and I am planning on doing a double major in English & psychology with a minor in philosophy. At my school I need to have 6 credits of science. So to attain my BAs in english and psychology to become a high school teacher I am taking geology. This makes SO much sense... not.

2) I have learned how to take bubble sheet tests. I am learning how to learn. I don't learn the material; I learn what the professor wants and I give him/her that said thing. So if the prof is going to give me a multiple choice test I do not study the material to learn it, I study the material in a very minor way in which I slightly understand it enough to be able to know which answer is correct. Can I give you specific definitions of things from psychology? Nope. But I can tell you the correct answer if you give me 4 options. It is much, much easier. Learning nothing is much easier.

3) It is all about money. This was one of the first lessons I learned in my english lecture. Universities and colleges live off of your money, that is how they stay around. But they really do not care about the individual students' success, even if they say they do. Well, they care about the top students because they want them to go out and advertise the university for them to get more students to give them money. University is a business.

So should you go?

It is your choice.

I would tell you not to go, but then again, I am not dropping out because it is all bullshit. Why? Because I have a goal.

I want to become a high school teacher. I want to become a leader. I want to become a philosopher for education. I want to show people how messed up the education system really is. The easiest method would be to finish university, word towards my MA and PhD in education and then get right into the belly of the beast of education to fix things. 

I just haven't decided whether I want to fix high school or university education systems. 

I keep using this word "fix" to describe what I want to do as if things are already broken. It's a weird word-choice. I don't necessarily want to fix things, rather, I want to change things. Not for the better, not for the worse, just for the logical. What is happening now makes no sense to me. People are doing things they hate to do more things they hate just so they can earn money. All of this unhappiness is unsettling to me. I also hate happiness, well, I don't HATE happiness, I just think that there should be a limit to happiness. I just think individuals are too stressed in society and they are too stupid to operate outside of the norms so what I need to do is change the norms so their stress levels go down.

If that makes any sense.

What is your opinion of post-secondary education? Are you going? Are you in it? Did you go?

My 5 Qualms with University

I have some qualms with university life. This isn't specific to university classes and academics, more of the atmosphere, things surrounding university and residence, perhaps.

#5: Money

I feel kind of weird complaining about money but it is a common belief that people in university really are scraping by financially. Many and arguably most people come out with loads of debt and with no jobs available. But I am not here to complain about the government, loans or the unavailability of jobs, I am simply stating that it is ridiculous. Something does need to be done.

The other thing is that getting even a part-time job during university it hard. Everybody is trying to. I have a pretty good resume for an 18 year old, I have applied at a few places, I have not received any calls back. Although I haven't tried too hard. Still, I applied at probably 5-10 places over the course of the past few months and I have heard nothing.

It is ridiculous that people should even be working during school. It should be just time for study. If you add a social life to work and school it is insanely stressful. But more on that later.

#4: The Prestige
I hate how some universities have prestige over others. Does it really matter? It is about course content and good professors. Just because a university has a good rep doesn't mean that it has professors that are passionate and love their subject. Of course professors like that can be discovered at prestigious universities.

I just don't understand why one is better. Just go to the more inexpensive one and don't waste thousands of extra dollars.

#3: The Usage of University

That is a weird way to title my argument.

Many people go to school to attain a certain career, but that shouldn't be the only reason. So many people forget that university is a school and the purpose of a school is to learn. Yes, I understand earning money and attaining a career is important to many people but deep, deep down the ultimate purpose of school is to learn.

I just want students to realize this.

#2: The lack of adaptability

In high school education is becoming much more tailored to the individual with IEPs, specialized programming for advanced students, levelled courses, etc. University isn't like this. What you have is a lecture hall, exams, essays and readings. That is your structure. Sometimes there are labs. Sometimes there are co-ops. But it is all the same. You take 5 courses at once from Sept-Dec and then Jan-April, or at least this is my school.

There are no options to do things like take one course at a time for one month. I hate it.

Personally, I know I don't learn best by the university lecture method and having 5 courses at a time. I would much rather spend 3-4 weeks on one course at a time and not have lecture and just have everything in a book or online. I submit assignments and work within my own deadline. This is how I work, but not how university does.

#1: Stress

Everyone is stressed. Everyone is stressed. Everyone is stressed. It is constant. It is all of the time. Why are we stressed? Money, friends, school, grades, money, family, money, work, time, effort, assignments, readings, school, school, school. Sure, we have centres that offer counselling to help with time management and money management and emotional counselling and what not but so many people require these services... and they barely help. If people need these services to reduce stress maybe we shouldn't be trying to "fix" individuals and we should be fixing the entire school system.


What are your qualms with university? College? High school? Education in general?

I HAVE A LEARNING DISORDER!?

Last week I went to my family doctor for a couple of things, one thing was asking her about testing and/or medication for ADD (Attention deficit disorder). She informed me that I would need to go through testing. She prodded me more on possible symptoms that could signal that I have may have a learning disability. I pointed out that I approached her about my poor memory back in grade 10.

I have frequently complained about my poor memory on my blog and I've noticed it since grade 10.

I also realized another symptom I have been having other than poor memory and lack of ability to concentrate. I don't speak clearly sometimes. You can probably find hundreds of confusing sentences I have written on my blog posts before. My blogs aren't the worst, the worst is my handwriting because it is slower than my typing. Quite often I go on and on in a sentence and then I will actually switch the focus of the sentence halfway through because my memory has failed me halfway through and I will switch tenses and such. My memory fails me and I write confusing sentences.

My friends have also informed me they have "No idea what I am talking about" or texting about.

This is kind of a shock to me that I MIGHT have a learning disability/disorder.

I have received high grades ever since grade 2. I was at the top of the class until around grade 6 then I was just really good until grade 9. In high school (Depending on the subject) I was generally anywhere between having one of the top 5 marks to being just above average (except in science, math and french). I had a 92% average in my final year of high school, qualifying me for full tuition at my school, my first year.

I know that marks are supposed to drop in your first year, but I am having difficulty retaining and learning mass amounts of information at once. It is a lot more information thrown at you at one time and my brain just can't handle it. University is different.

I hate thinking that I may need assistance because I am an extremely independent person who hates relying on other people. In another way, I think that I could use the help. I really just wanted meds to be able to allow me to focus on my textbook readings, mostly. But now I have to go through this whole process.

I am going through for testing (hopefully). I have a meeting within the next week with the person who schedules and screens people for learning disability testing. It can cost me up to $1000 but it may be covered by OSAP (Ontario education funding assistance program, for those who do not know). I have to be approved to actually receive the testing first. If they don't sense anything before testing, I won't get any done.

Then I will just be back to square one, not knowing what is wrong with my mind.

In other news, I am getting really into writing poetry. I find inspiration everywhere, now. It's just a matter of finding the time to write it all down...

Oh well.

I don't want your pity or luck. I'm just writing this to inform the public about what I am going through, I suppose. Maybe looking for some insight from experts or people with experience with this sort of thing. I don't know.

Poopsocks.

I don't know anything

"I know that I know nothing" - Socrates

In my english and philosophy lectures the concept of knowing nothing and accepting your ignorance. I was perfectly okay with this concept and let it sort of sit in my brain for a while until it hit me.

We actually really know nothing. Well, at least I do not know anything. Mark Edmunson's essay Why Read? which we read in english, essentially stated that one must abandon their past to fully examine a text. We must admit we know nothing, that we are ignorant. It also has a concept of "knowingness" which is essentially what is expressed by academics, they seem to know everything but they really know nothing. This concept is also explored in Plato's "The Apology".

After this sat in my brain for a while I finally absorbed it fully. I absorbed the concept that nobody really knows anything over a year ago. We can't be certain, we can only be almost certain, or likely. But what hit me was that I admire academics way too much.

I see people, maybe not necessarily famous academic geniuses, but teachers, professors and authors as these super geniuses. They get paid to tell me things and they earn money off of the text I am reading, so they must be right, right? Wrong. I was aware of this concept previously too, I just never made the entire connection until this week. Thanks brain.

But academics can't be trusted. Well, they CAN be. But they shouldn't be.

Also, you are not an academic who knows everything if you just know one thing. People frequently feel they are educated in all things when they are experts in one thing. I am really pushing "The Apology" on you, now. I love Socrates. So many people get annoyed with him. I just love dialectics.

Anyways. Don't trust academics. Listen to them without bias and then question the shit out of everything they say. That is my advice.

Don't even listen to me. I realized with my blog I try to be one of these "knowing people" when really, I also know nothing. I just hope that I am somewhat interesting enough to spark people's interests in some academic topic or even a tidbit of my life that can conjure a discussion or just a thought in your mind that keeps you going.

Also, I am still gathering traffic to my blog. So thank-you, traffic that somehow found me when I am never posting. I want to post at least weekly. I just find since I have started university it is so much harder to sit down and actually write out a full blog post. I will try my best. I promise. I also don't make promises, but I'll make an exception for my lovely corrupted readers. I mean, my lovely skeptics! XOXO;)

No, I did not just sign my blog with "XOXO;)". I take that back! Oh well.

Why every student should learn philosophy

I am enrolled in the Philosophy program at my school and I am planning to do a double-major with English and Philosophy. I love to think and to write, so this makes sense for me. Of course these two majors aren't very logical to go for since they don't provide a good job afterwards, unless you want to go to grad school and become a professor or you want to become a teacher.

Most people I know are either "science" or "arts" people. Either they are better at math and science or they are better at arts subjects. The "in betweens" are the social sciences because they sort of combine science and arts, like Psychology and Sociology. I used to want to major in Psych (and I still might) but that is besides the point.

The point is that being an arts student is extremely rewarding. I am not saying "Quick! Everyone go get an arts degree!" I just mean that at some point in your life you should either enrol in a single credit of philosophy, english, history, whatever your arts preference or perhaps just read a lot of literature based on a few subjects. I think it is extremely healthy and although shouldn't be a requirement, should be strongly recommended by most universities to have to have at least 1 credit in an arts subject.

I was reading an article in Macleans (here) about french students who think Philosophy shouldn't have to be a requirement since it doesn't prepare you for the "real life".

The real life?
THE REAL LIFE?

The real life should involve questioning, studying and your mind playing an active role in the understanding of great metaphysical questions and the questioning of ethics. The mind should have to do this. Why? It's simple. Blind commitment. If our society just keeps progressing we are going to start forgetting why we do the things we do. For example, Why do we shop in grocery stores instead of farming? Why do we want to get jobs? These questions are things everyone should have to really think of and answer. It doesn't even have to be ancient philosophy, it should be modern philosophy.

Maybe this is an over exaggeration and a fallacy, but I am just trying to prove to you that it is important to question things and if you have to force a mandatory philosophy credit upon students to get them to start questioning things, then do so.

If I could have it my way, I would have Philosophy a mandatory credit in high school for grade 11 students, just when they are starting to try to figure out their futures. If I could, I would also make philosophy a mandatory credit in university for first year students, although there are no assignments and although the reading is "recommended", the attendance is necessary, you have to pass by having attended something like 95% or even 100% of all classes. This way it barely takes away from your actual subject of study since there is no outside work, just perhaps a 1-3 hour lecture per week, for one or two semesters. That is it. No laptops, as well, so you have to pay attention. If I could have it more my way, again, I would have a seminar once a week as well in small groups so they can discuss what they learned in the lecture earlier in the week.

I want to ponder on my "modern philosophy" point. I think that people should have a healthy skepticism. Maybe the university philosophy course can be chosen more specifically to be a historical philosophy from a certain time period, a general overview or a more "modern" philosophy. Basically, questioning things that are around us today, like I said earlier like "Why do we go to the grocery store instead of farm?". Being able to question these things just makes us understand the world around us, a little more.

But the learning of philosophy or any other arts subject definitely doesn't have to happen in classrooms or lecture halls, it can happen in libraries, on the internet, or even alone.

I do understand how people find the study of things like literature, philosophy and history to be completely useless, but it isn't. People think that since it doesn't lead to a career that it is worthless to society. These people are the ones who tend to forget that getting a career isn't the be-all and the end-all.


If you are interested in learning anything about philosophy in specifics I suggest:
- Starting off with some Plato which is fairly easy to understand or perhaps Nietzsche if you have an advanced reading level and want to be slightly entertained because Nietzsche has some crazy ideas (which I love)
AND/OR
- Just question things around you
AND/OR
- Enrolling in one college credit at the college or university near you, perhaps you can just enrol in a "non-degree" which usually means that you can walk into any class and just pay attention, not get a degree and not have to do any work
AND/OR
- Have fun reading the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy http://plato.stanford.edu/ This is the best resource for everything philosophy. It is highly reliable and you can certainly learn from it. I've used it for research projects in the past but I suppose you could just read it for fun if you wanted to

Having fun expanding your minds!

The unique reason I was told not to major in Philosophy

Hi, my name is Sarah and I am majoring in Philosophy.

Now that the introductions are over because I don't care who you are, I can get to my blog post. That was sarcasm and I feel the need to point it out because I have enough trouble trying to convince people I am not rude.

I have been told by many different people not to major in philosophy. Most people when I tell them my major is philosophy say nothing but there is the odd person that comes out with some weird comment.

Before I get to the unique reason, here is a list of things people have said to me after I told them I was majoring in philosophy:

"So, do you like sciences or maths at all?"

"Haha, so you can find the meaning of life?"

"What's philosophy? Is that like psychology?"

"Why?"

"Who is your favourite philosopher?"

"What are you going to do with that?"

"You know what philosophers do, right?"

"Hahahhahaha"

"You can't do anything with a degree in philosophy"

Usually after I tell people that I am majoring in philosophy they tend to avoid eye contact like I'm some kind of gadfly that's going to fly into their eyes or something.

Anyways, on Tuesday I was talking to 2 psychiatrists (I will explain why I was talking to two psychiatrists in a separate blog post, soon) and I told them I was majoring in philosophy and then they said something along the lines of
"Maybe philosophy isn't the best major for you because your brain is more in the air and you need to stay grounded".

The whole time they were explaining this to me I was thinking about society and stuff I should've probably been telling them but they were pissing me off with that comment.

I was thinking "Yes, my ideas are different, they aren't normal, they aren't 'grounded' but they are realistic."

If I said that I thought my ideas were realistic to them, I think they would've died of laughter.

Why are my ideas realistic? Societally, they are not realistic. I don't think god exists and for some reason that seems preposterous to people. Yet realistically, god doesn't exist.

I don't think life has meaning, I am a nihilist and to society that seems weird. Yet realistically, life has no natural purpose. It has a societal purpose.

My ideas are raw, my beliefs aren't beliefs except when facts don't exist and my ideas are depressing. My ideas are depressing. It feels nice to say that.

But the thing is that since my ideas are depressing, suddenly that makes me not 'grounded' because having depressive thoughts isn't normal. That should be a question not a statement. Are depressive thoughts not normal?

Depressing thoughts are normal. I heard a statistic on the radio that said 1 in 5 people of people are diagnosed with depression or have depression at some point in their life. If 1/5 of people have depression it is not even that far fetched of a thing to have then, is it?

Anyways, I wasn't diagnosed with depression by these psychiatrists, but that's besides the point.

The point is that I am the most grounded person I know. I am more realistic than most people I know. Maybe my ideas aren't the "norm" but they are certainly more realistic than whatever the hell most people are thinking these days. So if being a non-conformist isn't being grounded than I can't wait to start floating the fuck around in my no-gravity zone. There's not much traffic up there, so I don't have to wait or worry about being late to work. I can just float the fuck out of that shit.

Oh goodness, I just realized I said "My ideas are raw" earlier. I am keeping it there for hilarity's sake, but don't you ever let me say that again.


If I told you I was majoring in philosophy, what would you say?
Do you have a weird major or major in philosophy like me, how do you respond to people's comments?

Last week before University ramble

Hi. How are you? That's good, I really don't care.

I am pretty unemotional but I am sure this week is going to be filled with many screams of joy and exhaust.

Let's see, here is my unofficial list:

1. Pack shit the fuck up because I am moving 5 hours the fuck away to go to University.
2. FIGURE OUT WHY MY BACK HURTS. Actually this isn't on my list, but my back fucking hurts. I think I've wrecked it from MY LAST DAY OF WORK (yesterday). Jeezzz.
3. Watch all of the comedy shows. Classes don't start until September 9th but I am trying to get through a bunch of TV shows, lectures and podcasts to listen to. I am trying to finish off Nurse Jackie and get through as much of the Drew Carey Show as I possibly can. I also have a collection of Proopcasts and some tedtalks I want to listen to and watch.
4. Cry
5. Hug my dog
6. Cry while hugging my dog
7. Throw a fucking party and I'm the only one invited
8. Leave my room clean and sort through the papers I definitely should not leave behind for her to read.
9. Go to the gym
10. Go for lots of runs because I want to
11. Drop off my law textbook at my high school because for some reason I still have it
12. Cry while dropping off the textbook and make my past teachers think I am even more crazy than when I left
13. See some friends
14. Not see some friends
15. Not get to see my cousin because her mom is not only has an asshole, but her entire personality is of one.

Jeez-Louise.

People keep asking me if I am nervous or excited for university and I can honestly say that I am both and neither. I am nervous for my roommates because I am scared they'll be major druggies or nymphos or want to talk to me everyday and have conversations... like what are people? Partially kidding. Partially. I am also nervous that I am going to have too much of a workload. I have Geology, Philosophy, Poli Sci, English and Psychology my first semester. I am also starting up the Comedy Troupe at my school. I also have an avid gym and running schedule that I like to not skip. I don't plan on having a social life. My social life will hopefully be my Comedy Troupe, if things go as planned.

I am excited for the Comedy Troupe, for English and Philosophy and to meet some of the new people I am going to meet. I am usually not big on meeting new people and doing new things because I am a lame introvert, but I am excited to meet some new people. I like change and new things, it's just a stretch for me.

In general I think that I am ready for university. I am actually spoiled rotten by the amount of things my mom bought me.

Let's talk about this whole University thing for a second.

Last summer I decided I didn't want to go to University because my whole non-conformist person kicked in and was like "It's all stupid! You don't need a piece of paper to say 'Dis person iz smarttt' Credentialism is nonsense!" but then I realized that to fix society you have to live at least partially within it. You can't play baseball unless you're in the field. It's like trying to bat balls from the seats. It just doesn't work.

Then I decided to go to university because of my fascination with learning. I love to learn things and schools are generally where you learn things. I want to say that 80% of the reason I am going to university is because I want to learn, and that is true, although now there is this little 5% that says "Go because society is telling you to!". FYI the other 15% is because I don't know what I'd do if I didn't go to university.

My major has changed wayyyyyy too much. Let's just for once and for all give a final layout of what I wanted to be when I "grew up" since I was a kid

1999- Cake Baker (like my mom)
2000- Doctor
2003-2006- Veteranarian
2006- Astronaut
2006-2012- Psychologist
2012-2013 Teacher

And what I wanted my major/minors to be from grade 9, onward:
- Psychology
- Psychology + Minor in Sociology
- Psychology + Minor in Gerontology
- Psychology and Philosophy
- Psychology and Sociology
- Psychology and Political Science
- Political Science and Philosophy
- Philosophy
- Philosophy and Psychology
- Philosophy and English

Confusion.

I also plan to get my Bachelor of Education. I want to do graduate studies but I am not really sure yet.

I don't have to declare my major until the end of 1st year, so at least I have a little more time. I can't tell you how much I have thought and over thought this.

Lately all I want to do is become a comedian even though I am not that funny. I just want to do whatever I am watching on TV and I am watching Standup and Improv lately. I wanted to be a City councilman when I was watching Parks and Recreation. Thank goodness I didn't want to sell paper when I was watching the Office.

I'll figure it out. Maybe.

Letting go of smother (poem)

“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”

― Deborah Reber

Your child is going off into the world,
let go.
The hardest part is to come,
The hard work is done.
Nature shows us the natural ability to let go.
Trees change, birds part, grass grows;
Life goes on.
Just let go.

My mother is having the hardest time letting go of me.
I push her away and she just will not leave me be.

This is harder for me than the average person.
She is a single mother of one;
I am her only child.
She has no husband to go back to,
No younger child to pester,
nothing.

People always say that you will want to go back to visit;
I refuse to be apart of the boomerang generation.

I do not want to live in this house.

This is not my house, this is her house. I am a guest here now, even though I haven't left.

I do not need someone hovering over me and telling me
"Do not buy a car, you can not afford it!"
"Do not go out into the dark!"
"Wash the dishes!"
 I need someone to                                   l       e      t                    g      o

Let me make my own mistakes.

Let me go.
I am not yours;
I was never yours.

I was never yours.
You gave me life but you do not own me.
I am not your sim that you can use in real life.

I have my own thoughts which are completely different from yours.

You are theist, 

I am atheist.

You are frugal,

I am not.

You are old,

I am not.

You are spiritual,

I am not.

You are uneducated,

I am not.

But the thing is, I was born in October 1995. 

I am not 18 until the end of October.

Not a legal adult? The law should not matter.

She thinks since I am not legal,

she can still be able to dictate my life.

From 5 hours away.

Your essence is not even of a mother.

It is of a daughter,

telling her elderly mother to stay away from danger.

I say 'I know what I am doing'

But my mother-daughter doesn't trust me.

No trust. 

The last time I needed someone out of my life was 2011.

The 'friend' who just had to end.

But 'mother' has no end. 

But with an 's' it could be smother.

No carnations for the smother.

No letters.

Sometimes letting go requires a push.

I just hope it is not me pushing myself

at the edge.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

I am going to university this fall and my mother is having the hardest time not comprehending that she does not control me. 

Fuck me

Hello there cliff. You're looking pretty sexy at this point in time.

What's new, Scooby-Doo?

I am going to be focusing on a few key things to get my mind established. Logic make some of? Grammar make good of!

Okay, so I have a few things to talk about.

1. My recent trip to visit the university I will be attending this fall

2. Current things I am thinking about

3. What I am thinking of doing as a career

4. Poetry

(Oh boy)

1. My Recent Trip to the University I will be attending this fall

I am going to be attending Nipissing University this fall and for the third time I visited the university for an Orientation. What was nice about this one is that you actually get to meet students that are in your program, or ones similar. I got to meet a few interesting individuals and some people too! (Cue the laugh track). Sorry, bad joke. No, I got to meet a few interesting students, which was nice. There weren't any other people (that I noticed/met) that were also in philosophy. I met one other in political science with me. I met a bunch of people from History and Fine Arts. I also met two interesting professors. 

My mom and I stayed in the residence there, and it was really nice. I was sitting in the room on my ipad eating soup (this sounds sad, but it wasn't) and I was just thinking about how in two months, this will be where I am living (not that exact dorm house/room, but you get the point). 

Overall I had a good time. I didn't learn too much. I did learn now I cannot complete a BEd at Nipissing, which I wasn't necessarily planning to do, anyways. I can go somewhere else (as long as I am accepted). But Nipissing is no longer accepting psychology and political science as teachables, so I can't enter the BEd program afterwards. I might go to York, but that is very far into the future.

2.  Current things I am thinking about

Time to enter my mind. I am thinking about reading a lot. 

Thinking about reading.

Not even reading. Well, I am.

I know I am going to be doing a lot of reading in university, which I don't mind, but I just have a slight concern. I cannot stay awake while reading something that doesn't interest me. This may apply to many different people, but it applies especially to me. In grade 12 english I was literally trying so many different things to stay awake while reading Sea of Poppies by Amitav Ghosh (which I originally chose to read for my independent study). I would overload on caffeine, contort my body into different positions, get comfortable, get uncomfortable, go in bright light... nothing would work. I kept falling asleep. Literally passing out. I think my solution to this in university will be reading in a public place. I hate falling asleep in public places, so I will probably read somewhere public like the library, but sit somewhere with minimal distraction so I can focus. 

Another thing about reading is that I got a bunch of books from Amazon.ca and Chapters.ca to read this summer. I am halfway through one already. It is a book of poetry, but I will talk more of this later.

3. What I am thinking of doing as a career (Also, what's my major?)

Since I was at Nipissing the past two days, I have really been thinking hardcore about my major. If you follow my blogs, you know this is a common theme I talk about. What will I study? What will I do as a career? 

Currently I am choosing to double-major in either Philosophy, Psychology or Political Science. I am pretty much 100% going to be studying philosophy, but obviously, I am not going to commit until I have to. I am taking all of the first year prerequisites for these subjects and I don't have to declare my major until I begin selecting my second year courses. 

I want to take philosophy because it combines a few of my favourite things: thinking, questioning things, history, greece/rome, eastern cultures. I like to think about thinking, it is as simple as that. (Or is it?)

I want to take political science because it is interesting to me and I may possibly want to be a politician someday. So that could be a good choice.

I want to take psychology because I love education and psychology has a strong focus and interweaving with education. I also love the mind and thinking (as related to philosophy). 

In the end, I want to become either a politician, teacher or professor. I want to either be a strong political influence or politician (a MPP or City councillor or mayor), be high up in the school board, be a principal or do something do help education, or be a teacher of philosophy and whatever my second teachable turns out to be in a high school setting, and lastly I might want to be an education professor. 

I don't need to choose (yet). It's just haunting me. 

4. Poetry

As stated earlier, I have been more interested in poetry lately. Most poetry goes completely over my head and I dislike it, but I have this small book of poetry written by a Canadian, just based of of their life. It is interesting to me. I think I find it interesting just because I think people are interesting... and this poetry helps me get into the mind of this random person. It's not hard to understand, it's pretty clearly stated.

I didn't like the Poetry unit too much in my writer's craft class in high school, but now I don't mind poetry. I started writing some stuff, and I will be honest with you - I am not good at it. 

My mind doesn't write in verses yet. It can't be poetic. I think the more poetry I read, the better I will get.

And that is it for now. I am hopefully going to stay on top of blogging. I am going to be reading more often, so I might blog about things I am reading about. Who knows? Life is a mystery.

#30 30 Day Writing Challenge- One Thing I am Excited For

I feel like this is getting repetitive, but one thing I am excited for is starting University next year.

I am attending Nipissing University for a double major in Philosophy and either Political Science or Psychology. I am hopefully going to be on the varsity cross country team. I am also moving into residence, which depending which building I am in, I will either have 5 or 3 other "roommates". Everyone has their own room, you share 1 kitchen, 2 bathrooms, 1 living area. I want to be in the one with 5 roommates because the bedrooms are slightly larger and it is in a townhouse, so it is a larger living space. But I wouldn't mind being in the apartment style ones because that way I don't have to leave the building to do my laundry. I don't find out until mid-August who my roommates are, and where I am staying.

I am the most excited to learn new things, since I am a learning nerd. Secondly, I am excited to meet new people. I have been around almost all of the same people for the past 6 years. I am looking forward to finding new friends with similar interests.

Something weird/funny I was thinking about... I was talking to one of my teachers at graduation and she said that she had a roommate in her first year of university who was really crazy/weird but she said it was fun for the most part, and makes for a good story. I then wondered "Will I be the crazy one?". I might be. I have a weird "living-style". I eat at weird times, wear weird things around the house. I'm sure I'll adjust a tad for university, but still, I am a pretty weird person that does weird things.

So will I be the weird roommate? Maybe. Either that or I'll be the most sane roommate. There is no in-between. Either I am the insane one or the sane one.

#25 30 Day Writing Challenge - Something I am worrying about

I think the biggest thing I am worried about right now is... well there are a few things. There isn't just one big thing.

Viola! A list:

- My driving test- I am not saying exactly when, but I am going for my full G licence in July. I really don't want to have to retake it. I have to pay more money. I desperately want my G, because I will hopefully be getting a car in August. I can drive with my G2 still, but I want my full license!

- Final Marks- I might be getting them today... I need my writers craft and law marks still. Exam review is today, and I hope they have my final grades. If not, I can do the math... so I should know for the most part, at least. I am worried I won't do well on the law exam!

- Moving in and attending university- I am going to Nipissing University in the fall! I am nervous to meet new people. I am worried it won't go well. I'm sure it will, but you never know.

-Graduation is on Thursday- I am worried I won't win a grad award. It is fine if I don't, but I think it would be nice, of course. I am nervous for grad and saying goodbye to everyone.

All of these things happening are ringing a few bells with me. I remember in Family Studies last year, we were talking about "what makes an adult", and all of those things, along with many more criteria, for example, being 18, drinking alcohol, owning a house, car, kids, married, are all things we came up with that all lead to being an adult. So am I an adult? SWEET. TIME TO GO BE MATURE AND STUFF!

Kidding.

Anyways, my prom was yesterday! Look forward to a blog post sometime today talking about prom w/ pictures! I will do it once I get on my iPad.

#18 30 Day Writing Challenge- A Problem I've had

A problem I've had... hmm. This is another hard topic. Most of the major problems I've had I've discussed on my blog before. I suppose I'll dig one up to the surface again.

A problem I've had: being confident.

It took me forever to realize in high school that there is a difference and a similarity between confidence and being social.

I am quiet, awkward, shy and don't like socializing. But I soon realized I can't go through high school like that, so I had to break that shield of anxiety, which I have for the most part. I remember when it was a success for me to raise my hand in class. Now I joke around with my teachers, embarrass myself in peer tutoring on purpose, and instead of being the person that's like "Go ask the person at the desk for paper for me, I don't want to" people ask me to do that. Things have changed.

I had this perspective that confidence and being social are two different things. Which is true. You can be social but not confident and confident but not social. This is sort of where I am at. When you are confident and not social, you come across as rude. The older and more mature I've gotten, the ruder I appear.

So now this is my problem. I don't like socializing. I don't like having to talk to people and have a "casual conversation" because honestly, I recognize these little conversations of pleasantries as pointless, unless I want to have a relationship with that person. Well this is how connections are made, you have relationships with more people, and you engage in these pointless conversations.

I'm going to need to network with professors and people I meet in politics, which means I have to have these conversations.

So this is another problem I am currently having.

If I want to go into politics, I am going to have to face this. I don't have to be the most social person I know, but it would help a lot to be more social. So in university I am planning on doing varsity track and field. I might join 2 clubs : the philosophy society and possibly the psychology society.

Now I think of another problem I'm having! I don't know what my second major is going to be! I think.

I want to take Philosophy and double major with something else. It constantly switches between Psychology, Sociology and Political Science. I don't think I will decide until first year is over, because then I will know more about all of these subjects. I am taking all 4 of those subjects in first year, along with 1 history course, academic writing and geology (I have to have science credit). I want to go into politics, which is why political science is a good idea, but psychology is more interesting to me. Sociology is more relevant to the type of ideas I think about. But I also want to be a teacher. Teachables don't matter as much as people think they do, but I can see me teaching law, I can also see me teaching sociology/psychology. I don't know. I won't consider this for a while.

At the moment I'm leaning towards psychology and political science. AHH STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, ME! It's literally driving me nuts.

Okay. Well so those are an array of problems. The only "solved" one is being more confident. I'm still not VERY confident, and that is definitely not an accurate adjective to describe me as, but I can succeed in society with the level of confidence I have achieved. I'm still chiseling away at it, trying to improve it. 

#17 30 Day Writing Challenge - Something that I'm Proud of

This is honestly the hardest topic I have gotten for the writing challenge, so far. What am I proud of?

I guess it's not that hard. The first thing that came to my mind was running. But I decided I didn't want to brag. But I am coming up short on ideas, so I guess I will go with that.

I have run 2 half marathons, 1 30k and I won an award for cross country at school. I haven't even been running for 2 years, yet. I started in November 2011, and then I just started training.

I am really proud of what I have accomplished. Self pride. It's not really that braggy/selfish, right? I don't care.

But I guess that is something I am the most proud of.

Recently my running stamina has decreased. I haven't run over 16km since the last half marathon I ran, in early May. I've been trying to hit the half marathon mark, but I just get so bored with running.

I used to think I prefer running slower and doing long runs, like the half marathon, 30k, and hopefully someday a full marathon. Lately it's been annoying and hard. I don't want to give up, but it's just really hard getting myself back out there, for whatever reason.

I am thinking of doing varsity cross country at my university. I probably will at first. If I get too busy or it gets too hard, I can always quit halfway through. What I can't do is join halfway through. I'll at least join at first.

Anyways. Why is it so hard to think of something to be proud about? Geez.

#16 30 Day Writing Challenge- Something I always think "What if" about

There are three things I always think what if about.

The main one is "What if I never moved to the city I live in now?"
When I was 10 my parents split up and I moved back to my mom's old hometown with her, and we lived at my grandma's for 3 years until we bought a house.
I changed schools, which was the biggest thing. So many things are different.
I think if I stayed in the old town, the following would've happened:
1) I don't think I would've started running. I did do track RIGHT before I moved away, but I don't think I would've started running outside of school.
2) I wouldn't have been as good at computer stuff. We didn't have internet at the house... so... yeah. We were living in the middle of nowhere.
3) I feel like I probably would've had a boyfriend or two. I was more outgoing where I used to live. The guys there weren't as bad either.
4) I would've been more likely to drink and/or smoke.
5) I probably would've stuck in french immersion throughout highschool.
6) I don't think I would've discovered my love for psychology. I might've, but I doubt it.
7) I have no clue what I would do after high school. Not a lot of people go onto post secondary at that school. Although, my parents did have an education fund for me. I'm not sure what I would've done.
8) I probably wouldn't have a part time job. There weren't that many jobs around. I might've babysat.

The second one is "What if my dad didn't pass away?"
My dad passed away 2 years after we moved away from the old town we lived in. I had a restraining order against him, and I never visited him until I learned he got cancer. If he never got cancer, I probably wouldn't have talked to him. If he did get cancer but he didn't pass away... now that's a different story.
1) I probably would've visited my dad more after his cancer was gone.
2) I'm not sure if my parents would've gotten back together. They did both tell each other that they love each other, before he passed away. My dad had a girlfriend, but he obviously loved my mom more. My mom left him because he was an alcoholic.
3) If they did get back together, we might've moved back in with him. At the time, I remember thinking that I didn't want to do that.
4) If my Dad hadn't passed away, I wouldn't have as much money as I do. I inherited quite a bit of money from him, which I don't get until I'm 21, but I am using this year to help pay for my education at university as well as I am buying a car.

The last thing I always think "What if" about is "What if I had a sibling?".
Throughout those 3ish years especially, because there was just enough room for my mom and I at my grandma's. If I had a brother, he probably would've slept in another room. If I had a sister, I'm not sure who would sleep where. This is a weird thing to think about "who would sleep where" but it's something I do think about.
1) If I had a sibling I might be more outgoing. Depending on if they are younger or older. Either way, I would be more outgoing.
2) I would probably be less of a loner. Since I am an only child, I am fine doing things on my own. I'll go shopping by myself, do stuff around the house by myself. I don't have a problem with being alone. If I had a sibling I would've had someone my age around, so I probably would prefer doing things with different people.

I also think "What if" about what if I didn't join Destinations (a part of IB) in grade 7? I wouldn't have made the same friends. Things would be different.


I'm fine with the way my life turned out. I'm happy these things happened. I didn't want to move at the time, but now I wouldn't want to move back! I am sad that my father passed away, but I feel like if he didn't get cancer, and he just passed away at an old age, I wouldn't have gotten the chance to say goodbye, since I wasn't talking to him. Also, I hate to say it, but financially, it really is going to help me. I thank my Dad tremendously for leaving a chunk of money to me. It will definitely keep him in my thoughts. I'm buying a used car (hopefully in August), all thanks to him. Hopefully this money will keep me out of piling up debt in university. Also, even though I've always wanted a sibling, I am kind of glad I don't have one too. It saves time, money, energy. I like being an only child. I like being quiet and keeping to myself.

What do you think "What if?" about?

A past boyfriend/girlfriend? Debt? Marriage? House? A loss of a loved one? A child?

They're always these big life events where something major happens or when make a big decision like marriage.