Cigarettes-- My story

This is something I have never told anyone before. My blog (especially extremely old posts in other blogs I had years ago in high school) used to be more of a personal thing. My friends read it, usually I would insert some kind of hint towards a secret or something. This feels like one of these childish posts except it isn't a crazy secret and I am revealing all of it.

I hate cigarettes. They are disgusting, cause lung cancer, were the likely cause of the death of my uncle and my own father and cause many other health problems. I am perfectly well aware of all of this.

I lived with second hand smoke for the first 10 years of my life from my father. I most likely picked up some from my mom since she smoked as a teenager until she found out she was pregnant with me and then she quit. Even though she quit, it's not like the past 25 years of her life would've played any part in the development of me in the womb (that was sarcasm).

I've actually done a bit of reading on second hand smoke and discovered that second hand smoke is almost as bad as smoking light cigarettes (cigarettes that are more airy, bigger filter, etc). I was reading about all of the medical side effects of second hand smoke, which are basically the same as smoking and I already have experienced one. Middle ear infection. I am not sure how second hand smoke and middle ear infections go hand-in-hand, but I had a really nasty ear infection and ear problems as a child. I had to have tubes placed in my ears for a while which have been taken out since then. I also have really poor hearing, but I don't think that has anything to do with second-hand smoking. I have actually more recently (within the past year) been exhibiting symptoms of a disease associated with second hand smoking (not exclusively associated) which I haven't seen a doctor about yet. 

I hated the smell of cigarette smoke in the house as a kid, usually. I thought it was kind of cool to smoke, though. I watched my dad do it and I thought it looked cool. I pretended to smoke cigarettes with my childhood friend, but we used these pieces of straw and grass and such and then would say "but we'll never smoke" to each other. 

Don't worry, I'm about to get to the secret.

After my parents split up I hated my Dad and I still hated the smell of cigarettes. I literally would plug my nose or stop breathing every time I smelled one in public. One time I was in a weird cafe-type restaurant with my mom when I was about 11 or 12 years old and this was around the time restaurants were banning smoking smoking at all inside (because before it was just certain sections of the restaurant you were aloud to smoke in) and I thought it was extremely mean for them to do that to smokers. Weird. 

Anyways, my Dad passed away when I was 12. 

I haven't given too much thought to cigarettes since then, other than the fact that I find them gross and that they smell horrible.

Until about two years ago. 

Two years ago I started finding the smell of cigarettes appealing. Instead of plugging my nose I would breathe in and smell the smoke. I have done some reading on cigarettes and some say that it can be a type of fetish (liking cigarettes and the smell/appearance of them) which I know I don't find smoking sexually attractive. I thought maybe the cigarette smell is connected with my dad through weird psychological ways which makes me like the smell and miss the smell from the first 10 years of my life. But I don't think that's it. I feel like I would be aware of this being the reasoning for me liking the smell of cigarettes, maybe not but I don't know. 

I guess that's most of the secret. Except for the past 6 months all I have wanted to do is smoke. It's horrible to know that I want to do something so harmful to my body. I am a runner and smoking won't help my lungs and breathing problems I already have on occasion. 

I know it's horrible for you. But I think being a second hand smoker for 10 years of my life has already gotten me addicted to the smell of them.

There have been opportunities for me to smoke which I have turned down. I almost did once. 

But I am also a chicken and I am afraid, which should be a good thing. I feel like signing up for cigarettes is like signing up for a death wish. I do have willpower. But I am curious. Sue me for being curious! I am "young a stupid", right society? I'm actually not one of those teenagers that does stupid things--- ever. 

I don't know. 

This is weird.

I'm not promising I will never smoke, because someday I might smoke just one cigarette. I don't want to say "I've already had effects from second hand smoking so it doesn't matter" because it's not like I have lung cancer or bronchitis right now (as far as I know).

This is really, really stupid, I know it. I may never smoke cigarettes and there is a very good chance I won't. I do think it is disgusting, I think people that smell like cigarettes are disgusting. I would never marry a smoker. Yet, I am considering smoking a cigarette. I am the biggest hypocrite I know. Whatever.

What has been your experience with smoking?

Letting go of smother (poem)

“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”

― Deborah Reber

Your child is going off into the world,
let go.
The hardest part is to come,
The hard work is done.
Nature shows us the natural ability to let go.
Trees change, birds part, grass grows;
Life goes on.
Just let go.

My mother is having the hardest time letting go of me.
I push her away and she just will not leave me be.

This is harder for me than the average person.
She is a single mother of one;
I am her only child.
She has no husband to go back to,
No younger child to pester,
nothing.

People always say that you will want to go back to visit;
I refuse to be apart of the boomerang generation.

I do not want to live in this house.

This is not my house, this is her house. I am a guest here now, even though I haven't left.

I do not need someone hovering over me and telling me
"Do not buy a car, you can not afford it!"
"Do not go out into the dark!"
"Wash the dishes!"
 I need someone to                                   l       e      t                    g      o

Let me make my own mistakes.

Let me go.
I am not yours;
I was never yours.

I was never yours.
You gave me life but you do not own me.
I am not your sim that you can use in real life.

I have my own thoughts which are completely different from yours.

You are theist, 

I am atheist.

You are frugal,

I am not.

You are old,

I am not.

You are spiritual,

I am not.

You are uneducated,

I am not.

But the thing is, I was born in October 1995. 

I am not 18 until the end of October.

Not a legal adult? The law should not matter.

She thinks since I am not legal,

she can still be able to dictate my life.

From 5 hours away.

Your essence is not even of a mother.

It is of a daughter,

telling her elderly mother to stay away from danger.

I say 'I know what I am doing'

But my mother-daughter doesn't trust me.

No trust. 

The last time I needed someone out of my life was 2011.

The 'friend' who just had to end.

But 'mother' has no end. 

But with an 's' it could be smother.

No carnations for the smother.

No letters.

Sometimes letting go requires a push.

I just hope it is not me pushing myself

at the edge.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

I am going to university this fall and my mother is having the hardest time not comprehending that she does not control me. 

Fuck me

Hello there cliff. You're looking pretty sexy at this point in time.

#11 30 Day Writing Challenge- My Family

Day 11! Woooo!

My family.

My family is super small. I'll start with my mom's side.

So there is my mom who was born in 1954, and she is the only person in my family I live with. She has two brothers, both not-married and divorced. One of my uncles has 2 kids, one is 10 and the other is in his 30's. The 10 year old is one of the closest members of my family, along with my mom.

My grandma was born in 1917 and she is still alive. My grandfather lived from 1918-1994, he passed away the year before I was born.

Other than this, I have several very distance cousins, some in Arizona, Florida, etc. I have a Great Aunt in Montreal, Canada.

My Dad's Side. My Dad lived from 1950-2007 and passed away with cancer. He had a brother who also passed away in 2007, but was 13 years older than him. He has a sister, my aunt, who is married and alive and she has 2 kids, and her kids have a total of 3 kids. So I have 5 cousins there. My uncle who passed away had 3 sons and they all had kids and are married. One of the sons has 3 kids, and I used to be really close to them as kids.

I never met my grandparents since they passed away like 10 years before I was born.

My dad also had 2 other daughters in his first marriage, and they are 15 years older than me (they're twins). One of them has a kid, so I am technically a half-aunt, although I haven't seen my sisters since the funeral.

I rarely see my Dad's family anymore, since my parents divorced before he passed away. The last time I saw them was a few years ago at my cousin's wedding, in 2009 or 2010. I see my aunt maybe once a year.

All of the family on my mom's side that I mentioned (other than the distant cousins and my uncle's older son) live in the same city I do.

I am not big on family. I think that society is beyond the bonds of family. At least I am. There are quite a few family members I have just cut off from my life. I think it is weird to do favours for people you don't like, and to hang out with people you don't like. I don't know. Family just isn't important to me.