3rd Year of School and still sad

2 years down, 2 to go.

I really want to try to make an effort to enjoy my education. I realize that the thing about a liberal arts education is that this is the only time I'll probably ever be able to just sit and have meaningful conversations as my full-time job. The reason I am in philosophy is not for my career, it's for the lessons and the actual schooling. I just have this deep lack of motivation to do much of anything of the sorts.

Hey, do any of my old readers remember when I used to describe my mental issues in full detail? I used to complain and reiterate my pains and problems, psychologically speaking. I still have many of the issues I used to describe. For those who don't know, here is the most brief version of my mental history:
My parents split up, I saw a psychologist who made me happy for a while (ages 10-12?) after my mom was concerned for my mental health. My dad died, I stopped seeing the psychologist, high school came and made me sad and I realized my intense anxieties and I kind of just learned to get over them by myself after multiple doctors proved to be of no help to me. After a mental episode in grade 12 I was sent to get psychological testing which was an appointment for 6 months after the episode and the psychologists claimed I was "perfect" and told me "not to pursue philosophy", I am pursuing philosophy. I got into university and was confused why my grades dropped and why I was sad and I went to the doctor and I got learning testing done to make sure I have no learning disabilities and I don't but I learned I am terrible at spacial reasoning and have genius-level writing skills, the psychologist suggested I have dysthymia and possibly bi-polar disorder or PTSD, and suggested to get more testing done which I didn't want to pursue due to the fact that last time I tried to get testing done by a psychologist they did nothing. The end. (I understand those sentences were pieces of shit, that's the point)

Anyways, to summarize my current status of mental problems: I definitely have dysthymia, there is no doubt about it. I was also diagnosed with it by the learning disability psychologist, so that is what I know for sure. It is what I like to describe as permanent part-time depression. I go through phases of depression, some worse than others. They often render me angry, sad, lazy and unable to function in school activities, let alone social activities. I also am likely to have anxiety, which I am currently considering seeking medication for but I also don't want to. I also may have PMDD which I also sought medical help to diagnose but I didn't finish the diagnostic process because I was too lazy. Whoops. PMDD is like PMS except it actually drives me to suicidal tendencies maybe once every year.

Right now I am decently okay. I am not sad, I am pretty happy, but I am not as happy as I could be and that makes me sad. These cycles drive me insane.

So what am I going to do? Probably ride out what I am feeling now until I go crazy and then maybe seek medical attention to go on some pills for depression or anxiety, which I'd hate to do, but I want my education to not go to waste. Counselling has never worked on me because I start using reasoning and logic with the recent college grads of next-to-meaningless College and defeat them in their attempts to aid me. I shouldn't do that, but I do.

Why am I telling the internet this? I'm not too sure. I was tempted to write a book for a while about my inability to receive medical attention for my psychological dysfunctions but I soon realized that it is mostly because I am holding my own self back, not because of any fault in the system. The psychological treatment system is pretty fucked up on it's own, but that is almost inherent and has next to nothing to do with my own specific situation.

My point? I am going to try to not let my dysthymia get ahold of me. The problem is I have lived with it for so long that it has become a bigger part of me than it should've. It's almost like a drug to me. I like the sadness and hate the sadness. I know it impairs me but it is so easy to just fall into the habit that I am being forced into. Though, it is incredibly hard to just say "no" to depression because depression is something that happens to you, it is not something you make happen to yourself. Though you could make yourself depressed, that is not my case.

Anyways. This post is pretty stupid right now. I am not quite to sure as to why I am posting it. I don't want feedback, please no comments.

Talk to you soon, interwebs.

Sarah

Analyzing a quote of mine

I was glancing through my blog and I came across the sentence "Life is just depressing me, but in a good way" in my blog post "Even I don't know what I'm talking about here" in the first paragraph. I've decided to try to pick that sentence apart, because not only is it good practice for me, as I am an English minor but I am crazy. 

So, let's get started. 

Am I happy that life is depressing me? Do I like the drama of a depressing life? I think many people do. A lot of people on tumblr are obsessed with looking out of bay windows on rainy days with coffee and cats and are contempt with this utter sadness. This isn't depression, but I am just saying that depression has been somewhat romanticized by the over-dramatic.  What do I mean by this? I think that many young adults feel like depression is a good thing. Arguably, I may have been in this position at one time or another. Why is it a good thing? It gives you a different perspective on life. Since I am more of a realist than an optimist, depression seems pretty damned amazing to help me achieve my realistic point of view. Although depression and being a realist are not causal of each other or required for one another at all. 

So am I involved in this dramatic romanticization of depression? I don't think so. Now follow me. I don't think I am because I think I am. Here is my argument: people often say that you don't have to worry about being a psychopath if you yourself can ask yourself that question and think you might be, because a psychopath will never think they are a psychopath. It is sort of the same as saying that a hipster can only be a hipster if they say they are not a hipster. Weird? It's a very flawed argument, but I think to a degree I am able to romanticize depression and someone follow this doctrine, but then again, since I think I do, I probably am not.

So what do I mean by "Life is just depressing me, but in a good way". Maybe it has to do with working hard and getting payed off? School makes me sad, but going through this sadness can result in happiness. This could be it... but I don't think I would think like that except in cases like right now, because I am analyzing it.

What was the context? In my blog post I almost seem like I am 'giving up on life'. So maybe I am simply just enjoying this depressing aspect of life? 

I guess nobody knows. Hell, the blog post that I am quoting from is titled "Even I don't know what I'm talking about here", here being in reference to my blog. So I guess even I don't know. Maybe I was just trying to reflect upon the post title by concluding the first paragraph.

I never write proper paragraphs in my blogs. I always just begin a new line when I have a different point or when I pause my thinking. It's an informal blog, not an essay.

Anyways. I guess that's it for now. I am off to read a section of Martha C. Nussbaum's Other Times, Other Places: Homosexuality in Ancient Greece for my 3rd year Philosophy of Sex and Love class. 

I will post again someday. 

So, I don't have a learning disability.

Last year I noticed something different a few months after I started my first year of university. I was having trouble concentrating on material, in lectures and while studying and writing assignments. I was pretty sure I had ADD. Most others around me also thought I had ADD when I described my symptoms to them. Thus, the journey began.

I approached my family doctor about my concerns and she referred me to my school to be tested for learning disabilities because she wouldn't prescribe me anything without a diagnosis. So I went to my school. They did some preliminary testing and told me that I am above average in my intellectual ability but I might be on the borderline of ADD. This was all found out around November, 3 months after I started university.

Today I finally had my appointment with the testing centre. My results? I don't have ADD. I don't have any learning disabilities. Again: I am above average in my intellectual ability.

I literally stumped the psychologist. My grades have dropped 20% since high school. Something is different, something has had to have changed.

Inevitably, grades do drop in university from high school but things just feel harder here. Or easier. I am bored. The material I am learning is not what I want to be learning. I find it boring. I love my majors (psychology and philosophy) but my profs are not doing it justice.

I explained all of this to the psychologist and he has decided to try to piece things together. Essentially, he thinks my inability to focus on my work has to do with my motivation, despite me having very high goals in my future. I have amazing goals it is just the tasks I have to accomplish to get to my goal (school) is not my cup of tea. I am stressed all of the time. I am bored. I am unengaged. I do not care about what I am learning. Even if I transferred schools it would still be the same format of learning.

So what do I do? The psychologist I saw informed me he was going to dwell on me a little longer and then contact the learning strategist I have been working with at my school and the three of us will work together. 

I wish I had a learning disability. I wish my problems could be solved with strategies or medication. But my problems are bigger than this because they cannot be fixed. My problems are my choices to face because of the goals I want to accomplish. 

This is the biggest rut of my life. I am sad. I am depressed. School depresses me. But I want to attain my BA in Psych and BA in Philosophy and then my Bachelor of Education, perhaps my masters in Education. Why? Well, I want to teach high school. I was fed up with the high school educational system and I wanted to help fix it from within but also teach high school as well to fulfill my passion for educating and being a leader. I am now leaning towards wanting to work in university education just because of how much it takes out of me. 

The system does not work for me. It does not work for most people. Human purpose is to live. A part of living is sleeping. University students do not get enough sleep. People should be able to live the life they choose but instead we pick the unhappy route so we can conform to society. This has been troubling me for a couple of years now and I still am conforming to all of this bullshit and it is maddening me. It is depressing me. It is pushing me deeper and deeper down into my own despair.

I shouldn't care this much about the university and education system in general but I am the type of person that likes to take charge and fix things and that is what I have been inspired to do. 

But for now, I am going to keep conforming to depression. Also, I can't do anything without a degree because of credentialism. I also cannot do anything because ageism (I am 18). 

Although, I did just get a good job (FINALLY). Readers may remember getting a job was one of my goals for this year. I am a Blog Editor and Marketing coordinator, it is an executive position with my university. I don't know too much about it because I was just hired and I have not started yet, but I find out tomorrow. I am looking forward to it. I am fairly lucky, job wise, compared to other people my age. I am not working a part-time shitty stressed job with some fast food or chain store. Someday I will probably have to again, before I have my degree, but for now, I look forward to having a job that I can actually do something effectively in. I am not putting down workers of chain stores or fast food stores, I am just judging the work of those places to have higher stress than my job and I am just thankful that I will (hopefully) not have to deal with it.

So at least that is good.

But I don't have a learning disability. I probably just have the psychological disorder called "conformity".

The unique reason I was told not to major in Philosophy

Hi, my name is Sarah and I am majoring in Philosophy.

Now that the introductions are over because I don't care who you are, I can get to my blog post. That was sarcasm and I feel the need to point it out because I have enough trouble trying to convince people I am not rude.

I have been told by many different people not to major in philosophy. Most people when I tell them my major is philosophy say nothing but there is the odd person that comes out with some weird comment.

Before I get to the unique reason, here is a list of things people have said to me after I told them I was majoring in philosophy:

"So, do you like sciences or maths at all?"

"Haha, so you can find the meaning of life?"

"What's philosophy? Is that like psychology?"

"Why?"

"Who is your favourite philosopher?"

"What are you going to do with that?"

"You know what philosophers do, right?"

"Hahahhahaha"

"You can't do anything with a degree in philosophy"

Usually after I tell people that I am majoring in philosophy they tend to avoid eye contact like I'm some kind of gadfly that's going to fly into their eyes or something.

Anyways, on Tuesday I was talking to 2 psychiatrists (I will explain why I was talking to two psychiatrists in a separate blog post, soon) and I told them I was majoring in philosophy and then they said something along the lines of
"Maybe philosophy isn't the best major for you because your brain is more in the air and you need to stay grounded".

The whole time they were explaining this to me I was thinking about society and stuff I should've probably been telling them but they were pissing me off with that comment.

I was thinking "Yes, my ideas are different, they aren't normal, they aren't 'grounded' but they are realistic."

If I said that I thought my ideas were realistic to them, I think they would've died of laughter.

Why are my ideas realistic? Societally, they are not realistic. I don't think god exists and for some reason that seems preposterous to people. Yet realistically, god doesn't exist.

I don't think life has meaning, I am a nihilist and to society that seems weird. Yet realistically, life has no natural purpose. It has a societal purpose.

My ideas are raw, my beliefs aren't beliefs except when facts don't exist and my ideas are depressing. My ideas are depressing. It feels nice to say that.

But the thing is that since my ideas are depressing, suddenly that makes me not 'grounded' because having depressive thoughts isn't normal. That should be a question not a statement. Are depressive thoughts not normal?

Depressing thoughts are normal. I heard a statistic on the radio that said 1 in 5 people of people are diagnosed with depression or have depression at some point in their life. If 1/5 of people have depression it is not even that far fetched of a thing to have then, is it?

Anyways, I wasn't diagnosed with depression by these psychiatrists, but that's besides the point.

The point is that I am the most grounded person I know. I am more realistic than most people I know. Maybe my ideas aren't the "norm" but they are certainly more realistic than whatever the hell most people are thinking these days. So if being a non-conformist isn't being grounded than I can't wait to start floating the fuck around in my no-gravity zone. There's not much traffic up there, so I don't have to wait or worry about being late to work. I can just float the fuck out of that shit.

Oh goodness, I just realized I said "My ideas are raw" earlier. I am keeping it there for hilarity's sake, but don't you ever let me say that again.


If I told you I was majoring in philosophy, what would you say?
Do you have a weird major or major in philosophy like me, how do you respond to people's comments?