#18 30 Day Writing Challenge- A Problem I've had

A problem I've had... hmm. This is another hard topic. Most of the major problems I've had I've discussed on my blog before. I suppose I'll dig one up to the surface again.

A problem I've had: being confident.

It took me forever to realize in high school that there is a difference and a similarity between confidence and being social.

I am quiet, awkward, shy and don't like socializing. But I soon realized I can't go through high school like that, so I had to break that shield of anxiety, which I have for the most part. I remember when it was a success for me to raise my hand in class. Now I joke around with my teachers, embarrass myself in peer tutoring on purpose, and instead of being the person that's like "Go ask the person at the desk for paper for me, I don't want to" people ask me to do that. Things have changed.

I had this perspective that confidence and being social are two different things. Which is true. You can be social but not confident and confident but not social. This is sort of where I am at. When you are confident and not social, you come across as rude. The older and more mature I've gotten, the ruder I appear.

So now this is my problem. I don't like socializing. I don't like having to talk to people and have a "casual conversation" because honestly, I recognize these little conversations of pleasantries as pointless, unless I want to have a relationship with that person. Well this is how connections are made, you have relationships with more people, and you engage in these pointless conversations.

I'm going to need to network with professors and people I meet in politics, which means I have to have these conversations.

So this is another problem I am currently having.

If I want to go into politics, I am going to have to face this. I don't have to be the most social person I know, but it would help a lot to be more social. So in university I am planning on doing varsity track and field. I might join 2 clubs : the philosophy society and possibly the psychology society.

Now I think of another problem I'm having! I don't know what my second major is going to be! I think.

I want to take Philosophy and double major with something else. It constantly switches between Psychology, Sociology and Political Science. I don't think I will decide until first year is over, because then I will know more about all of these subjects. I am taking all 4 of those subjects in first year, along with 1 history course, academic writing and geology (I have to have science credit). I want to go into politics, which is why political science is a good idea, but psychology is more interesting to me. Sociology is more relevant to the type of ideas I think about. But I also want to be a teacher. Teachables don't matter as much as people think they do, but I can see me teaching law, I can also see me teaching sociology/psychology. I don't know. I won't consider this for a while.

At the moment I'm leaning towards psychology and political science. AHH STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, ME! It's literally driving me nuts.

Okay. Well so those are an array of problems. The only "solved" one is being more confident. I'm still not VERY confident, and that is definitely not an accurate adjective to describe me as, but I can succeed in society with the level of confidence I have achieved. I'm still chiseling away at it, trying to improve it. 

Why I am a Nihilist

I am a nihilist. This means I believe life has no actual purpose. I don't think there is a reason humans are on this earth. I think we have about as much purpose on this life as any other living organism does, even non-living things.

I don't think we were placed here by some god. I do not think that we have some moral purpose or afterlife to attend to. I think we just evolved. I guess I believe in evolution. I am not committing to that belief though. But it's the closest thing I believe.

I think we are just here.

There is no natural purpose for humans to be here.

I think that many people will argue that there is a purpose to life, not just religious or moral people, but even people with similar religious beliefs to me. It is a social purpose.

They will say things like:

• We have to get a job to contribute to society, economically and socially
• We work together within families
• We have friends, we live for people
• Life has a purpose, it is to live with other people alongside each other and help each other

Therefore even though life has no natural purpose, life has a social purpose.

We have a social duty to each other. Great! So I guess that means I'm not a nihilist, right? Wrong.

I am also an individualist. I serve myself before the society. I do not like things within this society. Therefore I don't want to live out societies' social purposes. 

So living out society's purpose, doesn't appeal to me, therefore even though I believe there is a social purpose to life, I don't want to commit to it.

So there brings up the argument "Well why don't you just kill yourself?". That is the first thing people say to nihilists. For example, this post which pissed me off earlier. Well why don't I? Honestly. Why don't I kill myself?

I honestly have no idea. If I don't live for other people, I don't live for this society, and I don't think we have a natural purpose, why don't I just kill myself?

I want to say things like "I want to change society to my ideal, so I live for that" or "I don't want to hurt my family", but they aren't even 100% true. 

If I wanted to fully support the argument I am trying to make, I should just kill myself.

But I haven't. Some parts of me do want to have kids and become a teacher, but other parts of me just see no purpose to anything, and I just either want to die or become a hermit. 

Honestly I can make the argument that I can't stomach the thought of killing myself, let alone another person. I can't even stomach dissections. If I were to kill myself, it couldn't be painful. It would be a poison, or injection of some kind. 

But I think I like myself too much to kill myself. I hate everyone, I hate everything, but I like myself. I am pretty fine with the way I am, so I don't really see a requirement to kill myself, even though I think life is purposeless.

I am not sure if there is an afterlife. I don't think if there is an afterlife, we serve some form of divine purpose to act a certain way on earth, to get there. I think you just go there no matter what. Like different dimensions, or something. But I think it is more logical to say that nothing happens when you die, and you just sort of rot. There are a lot of things in this world we don't know of. Maybe the soul travels on. Maybe the soul has a purpose to keep travelling on. Now, I don't believe if the soul exists, and if the soul has a purpose, that it is moral, but maybe it does live on, and take other forms. Who knows. I don't know. You don't know. We don't know.

These are the mysteries of the world.

But for now I am alive. I don't plan on killing myself. 

Plus I need to stay alive to teach other people their life has no purpose, right?