I'm sick and tired of not being sick, so I'm going to be unhealthy

Allow me to explain the title of this post.

I am quite healthy. I am 18 in 11 days, up until before this summer started I had never smoked, never been drunk, I had run 2 half marathons, a 30k, I ate rather healthy (rarely eating sweets, I don't drink pop, chips, etc) and I was pretty balanced out. The only thing any doctors had any concern over was my caffeine consumption, which is rather high.

But other than that, I have always been average weight, on the cusp of being underweight, but I was never underweight. I worked out, running and lifting weights 4-6 times a week for 1-2 hours per session.

But that was before.

Now I still run, I still go to the gym. Not as often, around 4 times a week, but I rarely get in a good 2 hour workout anymore. I don't have the time now that I am in university.

I still do not drink alcohol, although I do plan to drink eventually. I just don't have access to alcohol and it is still technically illegal for me to drink, anyways.

I do smoke cigarettes. Not often. It was a choice that I made, nobody peer pressured me into anything, I just chose to. I smoke maybe 5-8 cigarettes a month. Not packs, individual cigarettes. I understand that each one takes away from my life, I know it is making me unhealthy. But guess the what? I am doing it anyways even though I fully realize how stupid it is- this is how stupid I am. Also I ran 45km this week and I have also smoked 2 cigarettes as well. It's more than what you're doing. I'm still lapping all of you.

I have began eating worse, as well. I still eat healthy a lot, but when I eat unhealthy I barely eat that day. I might have like almost 800mg of caffeine, and then ice cream and chocolate and maybe breakfast on top of that.

Why am I letting go of my health when it is so important to me?

Well, honestly, why does it matter? We are all going to die. I am still running and lifting weights, it's just I have less time and now my body is gaining weight and losing muscle, even though I am still probably working out about 8 hours a week.

I am not giving up on my physical fitness. I am planning on eating healthier again, soon. I am not where I am living this week so it has been harder. I also went on a weekend trip which threw me off and I also have midterms right now. So that I suppose does give some excuse to my eating habits. But I still plan to get back on track this week.

But I am smoking. Why do I smoke? I want to. It is nice to wind down with, it helps me relax and focus.

All I know is that I am going to ruin my heart. Studies show that running is actually super bad for your heart. Apparently there are heart issues in the family, with blood clotting (even with healthier members). My 10 year old cousin had a heart murmur just last year, and she is 10! I am starting a medication soon which has side effects of thickening blood (especially when you combine cigarettes). Well, I am going to have a heart attack. I am going to keep running. I am going to run a marathon this May (hopefully). I am going to take these pills even though I really don't want to. I am going to keep smoking.

My doctor also literally told me I am going to get cervical cancer because I didn't get the HPV vaccine. Well, I am sorry guys. I am going to get cancer and have a heart attack and die.

Bye guys, bye.

Cigarettes-- My story

This is something I have never told anyone before. My blog (especially extremely old posts in other blogs I had years ago in high school) used to be more of a personal thing. My friends read it, usually I would insert some kind of hint towards a secret or something. This feels like one of these childish posts except it isn't a crazy secret and I am revealing all of it.

I hate cigarettes. They are disgusting, cause lung cancer, were the likely cause of the death of my uncle and my own father and cause many other health problems. I am perfectly well aware of all of this.

I lived with second hand smoke for the first 10 years of my life from my father. I most likely picked up some from my mom since she smoked as a teenager until she found out she was pregnant with me and then she quit. Even though she quit, it's not like the past 25 years of her life would've played any part in the development of me in the womb (that was sarcasm).

I've actually done a bit of reading on second hand smoke and discovered that second hand smoke is almost as bad as smoking light cigarettes (cigarettes that are more airy, bigger filter, etc). I was reading about all of the medical side effects of second hand smoke, which are basically the same as smoking and I already have experienced one. Middle ear infection. I am not sure how second hand smoke and middle ear infections go hand-in-hand, but I had a really nasty ear infection and ear problems as a child. I had to have tubes placed in my ears for a while which have been taken out since then. I also have really poor hearing, but I don't think that has anything to do with second-hand smoking. I have actually more recently (within the past year) been exhibiting symptoms of a disease associated with second hand smoking (not exclusively associated) which I haven't seen a doctor about yet. 

I hated the smell of cigarette smoke in the house as a kid, usually. I thought it was kind of cool to smoke, though. I watched my dad do it and I thought it looked cool. I pretended to smoke cigarettes with my childhood friend, but we used these pieces of straw and grass and such and then would say "but we'll never smoke" to each other. 

Don't worry, I'm about to get to the secret.

After my parents split up I hated my Dad and I still hated the smell of cigarettes. I literally would plug my nose or stop breathing every time I smelled one in public. One time I was in a weird cafe-type restaurant with my mom when I was about 11 or 12 years old and this was around the time restaurants were banning smoking smoking at all inside (because before it was just certain sections of the restaurant you were aloud to smoke in) and I thought it was extremely mean for them to do that to smokers. Weird. 

Anyways, my Dad passed away when I was 12. 

I haven't given too much thought to cigarettes since then, other than the fact that I find them gross and that they smell horrible.

Until about two years ago. 

Two years ago I started finding the smell of cigarettes appealing. Instead of plugging my nose I would breathe in and smell the smoke. I have done some reading on cigarettes and some say that it can be a type of fetish (liking cigarettes and the smell/appearance of them) which I know I don't find smoking sexually attractive. I thought maybe the cigarette smell is connected with my dad through weird psychological ways which makes me like the smell and miss the smell from the first 10 years of my life. But I don't think that's it. I feel like I would be aware of this being the reasoning for me liking the smell of cigarettes, maybe not but I don't know. 

I guess that's most of the secret. Except for the past 6 months all I have wanted to do is smoke. It's horrible to know that I want to do something so harmful to my body. I am a runner and smoking won't help my lungs and breathing problems I already have on occasion. 

I know it's horrible for you. But I think being a second hand smoker for 10 years of my life has already gotten me addicted to the smell of them.

There have been opportunities for me to smoke which I have turned down. I almost did once. 

But I am also a chicken and I am afraid, which should be a good thing. I feel like signing up for cigarettes is like signing up for a death wish. I do have willpower. But I am curious. Sue me for being curious! I am "young a stupid", right society? I'm actually not one of those teenagers that does stupid things--- ever. 

I don't know. 

This is weird.

I'm not promising I will never smoke, because someday I might smoke just one cigarette. I don't want to say "I've already had effects from second hand smoking so it doesn't matter" because it's not like I have lung cancer or bronchitis right now (as far as I know).

This is really, really stupid, I know it. I may never smoke cigarettes and there is a very good chance I won't. I do think it is disgusting, I think people that smell like cigarettes are disgusting. I would never marry a smoker. Yet, I am considering smoking a cigarette. I am the biggest hypocrite I know. Whatever.

What has been your experience with smoking?