What does "living a life" even mean?

LIVE YOUR LIFE!

Be free.

Images tend to pop into my head of beaches, wind, running in fields, drinking water and tea, jumping, smiling and all bright scenery.

I keep striving to live my life, when life really isn't like any of those things. Those things are mostly what "life" looks like in yogurt commercials, or just media in general. Happiness fades to white in the movies.

I keep trying to "live my life" without a clue except those put out by the media. While I've been trying to figure out how to "live my life" life is just happening. I have realized this and then I think, "I need to stop pretending to live my life and ACTUALLY live my life". That is when I begin to think about travel, going for walks, eating healthy and writing. It is a bit more realistic, and that is what I want.

But really I should be focusing on everything in life. I tend to think I am not even living when I am at work. I am just acting in a role, which is true. I am just doing whatever at work to get by.

My point is that these dumb images implanted into our minds about "living" are really corrupting our idea of what "living" looks like.

For example: This yogurt  commercial

Really? It shows a mother and daughter walking on a sidewalk, and the mother decides to jump into a puddle in heels because she has strong bones because of yogurt.

After she jumps into the puddle she runs/walks away with her daughter, "living life".

Okay, jumping into a puddle has nothing to do with life as a whole, but at the end of the commercial as the music gets gleeful and louder, arguably, she seems to have a super happy life, ultimately because of yogurt. What? Okay.

Here is another commercial, by Dove chocolate that demonstrates my point with greater strength.

The commercial begins to talk about stresses women go through in terms of beauty, and tells you "We're only human". Sure, this is a positive message. But the commercial still makes one seem like life is suddenly completely at bliss, for just a moment while eating Dove chocolate.

Have you tried to eat chocolate and feel like that? I have. Sure, you can act like you are enjoying the hell out of that piece of chocolate, but it really does not do much. Dove chocolate is not going to give you bliss and allow you to "live your life".

It is commercials and media like this that confuse everyone's idea of "living a life".

I don't like the phrase "Live your life" or anything like that anymore. It has a weird connotation of jumping and running in fields which never really happens.

Living your life is what you are doing right now. All I really get from the phrase "live your life" denotatively is not to die. So really, by saying "live your life", you are denotatively saying "don't die". Connotations have things like field running.

I always had this image in my mind of living on a farm, with a huge house but no barn animals besides a horse or two. Just having a large field to be able to go into, write in, walk through, dare I say to run through. But now I look at this with realistic eyes and although this could happen, it is not what my life is ultimately leading up to. Also, yogurt will not help this. Earning money with hard work will. My life wouldn't even be bliss if this image became reality because I would still have to have money to either buy a lawnmower or hire a lawn mower to mow the huge lawn. I would still have to pay for the house, upkeep, bills. Even that wouldn't be bliss.

Nothing is bliss, really. I suppose that is arguable. The definition of "bliss" is paradise, perfect happiness, etc. Nothing is really perfect, therefore bliss does not exist. There is no such thing as perfection. The mug I am drinking my coffee out of has no chips or stains on it, but it is still not perfect. I am left handed so I don't look at the design on the front of the mug while drinking. It doesn't keep my coffee warm. Where does perfection start and end? It really doesn't. Perfection is an idea that exists but it cannot be experienced. We could perhaps feel a false perfection for brief periods of time, but it isn't permanent and also is not even a true sense of perfection. True perfection is not there. Find any example and prove it to me, maybe I will change my mind.

All I know is that that perfect "life living" that is depicted in these commercials is not there.

Do you have an image of "life living" different from these commercials? I am interested in what men think, since these commercials tend to be focused on women. Do you feel the same way? Is your "life living" different (like throwing a football to your sons)? I feel like I've seen commercials like that. Getting out of your nice car, throwing a football to your son while your labrador follows you. I don't know, you tell me.

Am I a pessimist or non-conformist? Part 2

It's not absolutely peril that you read "Am I a pessimist or non-conformist?" to understand this post, but it is a continuation.

I was talking about how I am a fairly negative person, generally. I don't consider myself a pessimist, it's just I try to make sure that the negatives in the good things get pointed out.

Yesterday, in the class I tutor in, a student was trying to tell me something and finally she found the words and said something along the lines of "You are a really positive person like oh everything is good just look at it this way".

I was just like whaaaaaaa, because I consider myself a negative person. But I guess that is just what is in my head, and that otherwise I seem positive.

In the class I tutor in, I try to be positive to make up for all of their negativity ex: "I don't want to do this" "This is stupid" "I'm being bullied" "I'm going to fail", etc.

I guess maybe I am more positive to them.

But I hate seeming like Miss. Perfect, because they know I get fairly good grades and that I try fairly hard on most things in school, so I went on to tell them how I think I am negative. They just kind of looked at me, so then I just mocked the one girl's face and they laughed. I find myself actually trying to prove myself to be not Miss. Perfect to them, and I tell them a lot of stories about me that are the type of things I put in my blog and don't talk about face-to-face with people, like my dad's death, my restraining order against my dad, my crying fits and panic attacks. Yesterday I told them how I was upset one day and just walked out of class. But I also did this to console this other girl who was telling us a similar story, and I wanted to comfort her and let her know that she's not alone. I also told her something someone told me, is that if you are fuming and upset and angry, that you should just walk out of class, cry, scream, do whatever you need to, and not let it bunch up.

I think I am negative, but I seem like I am positive, but I am really negative and positive. Aren't we all?

This reminds me of something else. One time one of my teachers told me that I am "sensitive", because we were talking about horoscopes and Scorpios and water signs are usually seen as sensitive. But I just flat out said no I'm not, but then she said again that she thinks I am, but after arguing back and forth for a bit she was kind of like "Okay maybe you're not".

So that day I thought about it some more "Am I sensitive?" I don't think "sensitive" is the first word that comes to mind when I think of myself. But it can be thought of in a few different ways, sensitive like when somebody says something to me, I react, or sensitive like I am intuitive with others' feelings. I think she meant the second one. But either way, I thought about it and I could see myself as sensitive.

I kind of felt bad that I just turned down the fact that I was. It is just one of those memories that I think is probably going to stick around for a long time.

But the thing was and still is, is that I don't like being known as sensitive. I don't want to be known as the nice, sensitive, optimist. I hate that. I used to thrive on that stuff, but now i just hate it.

But  don't want to be negative, mean and insensitive. I guess I am both.

I don't want to say deep down I am sensitive and positive, and on the surface that I have a negative shell, because I feel like to certain people I just show what I want to. I'm not going to be outright mean to anyone unless I think I need to be. But I am not going to go out of my way to help people either.

I just do whatever I want.

I am cynical, critical and skeptical, which is why I like having this negativity about me, because I do think that society and things should be questioned, and it helps to have a negative mind for that.

Are you a negative or a positive person?

I'm Not Perfect

Perfection. Having everything just completely right, the way you want.

I don't think I am a perfectionist.

I try really hard at what I do in school, work and my hobbies, but I don't expect to come out perfect. I usually expect to come out better than most people, but not the best. Is this perfectionism? No. Maybe I have high expectations, but I am not a perfectionist. But is that really better to have high expectations? I get let down easily.

A lot of people think I am a perfectionist. I find myself trying to convince people I am not a perfectionist. Especially to people at school. I just got perfect attendance. Do you know how hard is to convince people you are not perfect, right after you get that?

I don't think people expect me to do well all of the time. I hope not, at least. I think people just sort of assume I try hard at everything.

But I find myself purposely exploiting my weaknesses, in person to some people, and mostly on twitter, just to bring myself down in the eyes of others.

See, I am pretty comfortable with who I am, to myself. I act differently and change who I am a little, just to change the perspective other people have of me--- even if that is not the right opinion they should have. People always freak out at this too. Changing yourself for other people. But that is how I get ahead in life.

I am technically not changing myself, I'm just changing what people think of me.

This can get complicated, actually. If I show one person more aspects of one side of me, and another different aspects, so I appeal to them more, or possible even appeal to them less.

My point with this is that
- I am not perfect
- Some people tend to think I am perfect, so I exploit myself to change their mind

I think all people understand what I am trying to say about changing yourself. I think I just look at my personality in a lot of different ways. If I were to describe myself, to myself I would say I am quiet, analytical and weird. If I were to describe myself to a teacher I might call myself quiet, determined and dedicated.

My mom keeps telling me not to be hard on myself. People tell me to stop being hard on myself. They tell me to stop being a perfectionist.

But I am not perfect. I may have perfect attendance, try to look my best (on most days), practice really hard at running, lift weights and go to the gym, get good grades, etc.

But I also am not perfect at any of those things. I have only ever gotten top mark in ONE of my classes. I get good grades, but not the best.
I don't always look my best, I can't help that sometimes.
I injure myself while running, and have never gotten first in any running event, but I have always placed in the top 50% of my division.
I lift weights, more than the average woman, but I am still not the best.

Well my attendance may be "perfect" but that didn't count snow days. That technically didn't count the enormous amounts of time in english last semester we had supply teachers, and I would ask to go to the library and then just walk around the school.

Also, I completely forgot to do an entire half of a law assignment, that was worth a LOT. Luckily my teacher let me finish it lsat night to hand in today.

I am not perfect.