#18 30 Day Writing Challenge- A Problem I've had

A problem I've had... hmm. This is another hard topic. Most of the major problems I've had I've discussed on my blog before. I suppose I'll dig one up to the surface again.

A problem I've had: being confident.

It took me forever to realize in high school that there is a difference and a similarity between confidence and being social.

I am quiet, awkward, shy and don't like socializing. But I soon realized I can't go through high school like that, so I had to break that shield of anxiety, which I have for the most part. I remember when it was a success for me to raise my hand in class. Now I joke around with my teachers, embarrass myself in peer tutoring on purpose, and instead of being the person that's like "Go ask the person at the desk for paper for me, I don't want to" people ask me to do that. Things have changed.

I had this perspective that confidence and being social are two different things. Which is true. You can be social but not confident and confident but not social. This is sort of where I am at. When you are confident and not social, you come across as rude. The older and more mature I've gotten, the ruder I appear.

So now this is my problem. I don't like socializing. I don't like having to talk to people and have a "casual conversation" because honestly, I recognize these little conversations of pleasantries as pointless, unless I want to have a relationship with that person. Well this is how connections are made, you have relationships with more people, and you engage in these pointless conversations.

I'm going to need to network with professors and people I meet in politics, which means I have to have these conversations.

So this is another problem I am currently having.

If I want to go into politics, I am going to have to face this. I don't have to be the most social person I know, but it would help a lot to be more social. So in university I am planning on doing varsity track and field. I might join 2 clubs : the philosophy society and possibly the psychology society.

Now I think of another problem I'm having! I don't know what my second major is going to be! I think.

I want to take Philosophy and double major with something else. It constantly switches between Psychology, Sociology and Political Science. I don't think I will decide until first year is over, because then I will know more about all of these subjects. I am taking all 4 of those subjects in first year, along with 1 history course, academic writing and geology (I have to have science credit). I want to go into politics, which is why political science is a good idea, but psychology is more interesting to me. Sociology is more relevant to the type of ideas I think about. But I also want to be a teacher. Teachables don't matter as much as people think they do, but I can see me teaching law, I can also see me teaching sociology/psychology. I don't know. I won't consider this for a while.

At the moment I'm leaning towards psychology and political science. AHH STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, ME! It's literally driving me nuts.

Okay. Well so those are an array of problems. The only "solved" one is being more confident. I'm still not VERY confident, and that is definitely not an accurate adjective to describe me as, but I can succeed in society with the level of confidence I have achieved. I'm still chiseling away at it, trying to improve it. 

Anger, yelling, teaching.

I feel like something a lot of people don't know about me is my anger.

I generally feel like I give off a off-putting vibe when I am upset about something, but I generally don't yell at people.

At home, when I get mad with my mom, I always yell and get quite angry. Usually anger and a loss of patience goes hand in hand. In peer tutoring today I was so tempted to yell at a few different students. There was a supply teacher who wasn't controlling the class, and at one point when she was talking, literally every single student was whispering/talking/on their phone. I was about ready to stand up and tell them to cut it out, but I didn't want to override the supply teacher, so I didn't.

I can get quite angry at times. It is scary when I am. I feel like I lose my temper when I am really pissed off or passionate about something.

I also have a feeling I am probably going to lose my temper in residence at university. If I have a fucking stupid roommate, I am going to probably yell at them.

I don't have the best techniques. I feel like some people just should never be yelled at- ever, they just can't handle it. But other people can handle it. Sometimes yelling is the option.

In law we also talked about how teachers can still technically, legally use corporal punishment. I couldn't imagine ever, as a teacher, hitting a student. But today, I wished I could've smacked this one kid. I feel like a little smack could get them to shut the fuck up and listen to me.

When I'm a teacher I'm probably going to be really weird- as I have discussed before, that I am weird, and will probably use really weird teaching techniques. But I will not tolerate people not paying attention to me teaching. I will yell at them and embarrass them. Talking it out may work with most people, but haven't you seen at least one student who is always "talked to" and suspended, but never changes? I feel like if somebody really tried to yell at them that they would listen. It's all about discipline and controlling the room.

I've only really had one teacher that enforces this a lot. I read a book where this whole school was under very strict discipline and they all acted so calm and collected, which I thought was weird and unethical. After today I think it is perfectly fine.

I have only really had two teachers full out YELL at the class. I didn't care for one of them, and the other was okay. I have had many teachers get disappointed and strict with us. I had this one teacher that always gave us these huge lectures with a domineering tone. They were good and people shut up and listened to her, but nothing really changed, and she gave these lectures way too frequently.

I don't know.

I personally hate being yelled at. Depending who is yelling at me, I will just yell back, some people I might just take it from, but most I will yell back.

I remember in the Freedom Writers' Diary movie, Ms. Gruwell yelling at this one student who said he deserved a failing grade, because she felt like it was a huge "fuck you" to her and him. I think this is the type of thing that should actually be practiced.

There is no need to yell when you are working one-on-one with a student, because you can easily just talk to them. But if you have a class of 20+ students, yelling is the one thing to get them to all simultaneously shut the hell up.

Whatever. I think it's fine for teachers to yell at students, I will probably do it, and that is all I have to say.