#18 30 Day Writing Challenge- A Problem I've had

A problem I've had... hmm. This is another hard topic. Most of the major problems I've had I've discussed on my blog before. I suppose I'll dig one up to the surface again.

A problem I've had: being confident.

It took me forever to realize in high school that there is a difference and a similarity between confidence and being social.

I am quiet, awkward, shy and don't like socializing. But I soon realized I can't go through high school like that, so I had to break that shield of anxiety, which I have for the most part. I remember when it was a success for me to raise my hand in class. Now I joke around with my teachers, embarrass myself in peer tutoring on purpose, and instead of being the person that's like "Go ask the person at the desk for paper for me, I don't want to" people ask me to do that. Things have changed.

I had this perspective that confidence and being social are two different things. Which is true. You can be social but not confident and confident but not social. This is sort of where I am at. When you are confident and not social, you come across as rude. The older and more mature I've gotten, the ruder I appear.

So now this is my problem. I don't like socializing. I don't like having to talk to people and have a "casual conversation" because honestly, I recognize these little conversations of pleasantries as pointless, unless I want to have a relationship with that person. Well this is how connections are made, you have relationships with more people, and you engage in these pointless conversations.

I'm going to need to network with professors and people I meet in politics, which means I have to have these conversations.

So this is another problem I am currently having.

If I want to go into politics, I am going to have to face this. I don't have to be the most social person I know, but it would help a lot to be more social. So in university I am planning on doing varsity track and field. I might join 2 clubs : the philosophy society and possibly the psychology society.

Now I think of another problem I'm having! I don't know what my second major is going to be! I think.

I want to take Philosophy and double major with something else. It constantly switches between Psychology, Sociology and Political Science. I don't think I will decide until first year is over, because then I will know more about all of these subjects. I am taking all 4 of those subjects in first year, along with 1 history course, academic writing and geology (I have to have science credit). I want to go into politics, which is why political science is a good idea, but psychology is more interesting to me. Sociology is more relevant to the type of ideas I think about. But I also want to be a teacher. Teachables don't matter as much as people think they do, but I can see me teaching law, I can also see me teaching sociology/psychology. I don't know. I won't consider this for a while.

At the moment I'm leaning towards psychology and political science. AHH STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, ME! It's literally driving me nuts.

Okay. Well so those are an array of problems. The only "solved" one is being more confident. I'm still not VERY confident, and that is definitely not an accurate adjective to describe me as, but I can succeed in society with the level of confidence I have achieved. I'm still chiseling away at it, trying to improve it. 

I change so often because I have a fish brain- Why Philosophy?

I have the crappiest memory.

I do not want to talk about that, here, now. But just let the record show that I can't remember shit.

Recently I was like "Why am I studying philosophy?".

I honestly had no idea why. I didn't remember selecting to study philosophy at any point. I knew that I blogged a lot about my choices for university, so I was looking through. Nothing. I found stuff that talked about me possibly wanting to do phys ed, psychology, wanting to be a teacher, not wanting to do anything, etc., but nothing specifically about choosing philosophy.

But I was looking through my old blog posts from the summer, and I honestly don't remember most of that stuff. My memory of myself from that time was COMPLETELY different from what my blog lead off. I am not sure if I was just faking who I was there, or I am really bad at remembering things.

But here I am. Asking myself "Why am I studying philosophy?". I would be perfectly happy studying sociology, psychology or political science. Double majoring with two of those. I can better answer the questions "Why do I want to take sociology, psychology or political science?" more than philosophy. So now is time for some intensive thinking.

Reasons why I may possibly be taking philosophy:
- I liked philosophy in history
- I like philosophy over the summer, the course I took online
- I find philosophy interesting
- I got a good grade in my philosophy course
- I like to think a lot
- Philosophy relates to a lot of subjects I like, like education, history and politics
- I am trying to answer the questions of life, and thats what philosophy is
- I want to learn about others' ideas and thoughts

Okay I guess I have a pretty legitimate reason. But I still don't remember when I decided on philosophy. I think at some point I just decided on philosophy and political science and I just was tired of changing my mind, so I just rested there, and that's where I stayed when I applied to university.

I looked through my old philosophy notes recently, and reminded myself of why I like it. I like the debate of the topics. I like looking at things like ethics, epistemology, waves of thought. I don't know. I just get it. Philo/sophy, the love of ideas. That's what I love.