Things that I want to do

I just turned 19 and for those who do not know, that is the legal drinking age in Ontario, Canada, where I live. So my life is basically awesome now and that is all that matters. I was going to write a long post about drinking but I wasn't feeling like it. I don't know how to describe alcohol yet, even though I've been drinking since I was 17. Let's just leave it at being "amazing and terrifying".

I decided to leave a list of "things I want to do" here. They aren't goals, they are just things that I want to do, whether they are realistic or not. I'm not going to put too much thought into it, I am just going to write without stopping.

- I want to take my mom on a cruise once I can afford it, most likely an Alaskan cruise
- I want to visit Europe every other year, at least once I have money
- I want to run a marathon in every province in Canada, and at least one in Florida, New York & Maybe even boston someday (P.S. I just completed my first marathon on October 19th, so go me!) Also in places in europe. Pretty much anywhere I can go.
- I want to be famous for something, whether it be an idea in the philosophy community, a book I wrote, a funny video I post... anything. Just for 5 minutes. Ideally I'd like to have a youtube video blow up and earn 1.5 million off of it.
- Lose about 10-15 pounds. I weight 135 right now, which is the most I've ever weighed. I ran my marathon at the lowest point of physical fitness I've had in a while, it's just I had the endurance to do it.
- Have a nice big house
- Have a daschund, basset hound, great dane, another lab, etc. Love dogs.
- Have a really short hairstyle once
- Go white-blonde before my hair goes grey... or once it goes grey just die it white blonde
- Meet a celebrity, Tina Fey or Stana Katic, preferably.
- Do something amazing for my future husband, Nick. I don't know what, but something that just causes him to fall backwards.
- Have a shitty enough wedding that it's cheap, but good enough so that people think that we spent too much on it for being students.
- Change the lives of my students
- Throw a lot of my salary as a teacher back into my students' education
- Have a closet full of corsets because I can
- Live on an island with nick for a year (with electricity) and what not but not be bugged by anything for a year. Pay to have food delivered once every few weeks, have nothing go wrong ever. No stresses. Essentially pay buttloads of money upfront to be catered to for a year, pay things like electricty, internet and whatnot in advance so we don't get bugged. Everything will just be perfect and there will be no stress
- Get my uterus removed, if not my tubes tied. By the time I'm married at 20 because I fucking hate the pill.
- Run a half marathon faster than 1:40, if I can do this, run it in under 1:30. Run a marathon in under 4:00 and if I do this, qualify for Boston.


I guess that's it for now. My brain ran out. I just typed that until I was done.

Life is pretty okay right now compared to usual. I know exams are coming up soon so my hair will start falling out more. Actually, that doesn't happen to me, which is good. But still, my philosophy in school (HAHA that's funny since I am a philosophy major) is essentially to learn how to succeed and not learn the material. I know what I need to focus on for how long and how to take a test and how to write an assignment and go to all of my classes. When it comes to my free time, I spend maybe 3-5 hours a week on school on average (other than class). When I have a test, I probably spend about 10+. Professors recommend you spend 3 hours additional to each class you take. Yeah. No. Maybe once third year comes and definitely in 4th year. School is so easily bullshitted it  is hilarious.

Anyways.

That's it for now.

Technology in the Classroom is... frowned upon?

Not too long ago while I was in high school, my teachers taught me that technology and having laptops will be a huge thing within colleges and universities. I am only speaking on behalf of my experience at the university I attend, but this is not the case.

Some of my profs suggest "laptops are useless in the lecture hall unless you have a disability that requires you to use one." Professors prefer people to take pen & paper notes, which I also prefer.

It's no lie that laptops are distracting, to not only the person using it who is tempted to surf the web, but the person next to them gets distracted from the lecture as well, curious as to what the darting moving pages are on the screen. I can't directly quote which study this is, but professors of mine claim that there is a study that shows the people sitting around the person using the laptop are more distracted by the laptop than the person with the laptop.

Profs of mine hate cell phones as well, which is easily justified because they can be a nuisance if they go off. One of my professors even asks us to turn them off, and is very serious about it.

Technology has its place in the classroom, but I agree with my professors. It is distracting.

In my philosophy and english classes especially, tech is not as necessary.

The key tool I have learned is necessary in classes is complete and total attention. Some professors even ask for you not to take notes because they want you to be absorbed in the material and they upload their notes or power points later. This I agree with for the most part, other than the odd key point I want to jot down then and there to help me remember it.

The reason why I am pointing this out is because of the way people see technology as progressive, when some professors and I suggest many schools are against new technologies in the classroom. Of course, while writing papers or researching, they are very useful. But that is not what they are used for in lecture.

In lecture I bring a notepad and some pens and my iPad in case I need it/for break. I also bring my phone and I might check it once every half hour to see if my fiancé texted me. But in general I try to refrain from doing so. I rarely use my iPad during class. I usually use it before class to check my e-mails and then maybe play around with it during our break in our long lectures.

What do you think? Do you think laptops have a place in the classroom?

Arguably, I believe that they can, but most often are unnecessary. If a person works best with a laptop, then let them use it and maybe ask them to sit at the back or the sides as to distract as few as possible. Unless of course they have a disability or impairment, making them need to sit at the front with a laptop. As a student, the only problem I really have is when people are doing things on their laptop that are unnecessary, like going on facebook or playing a game. If you are doing that, you should be sitting at the back. I find that distracting.

The funniest thing about it all is that whenever a professor gives a talk on not going on facebook during lecture, I always see at least one person on their laptop on facebook.

This Fall.

The year never feels like it begins on January 1st. Maybe once I am only working and not in school, but then again, I plan on becoming a teacher so September is still going to feel like the new year to me.

I think January 1st and the beginning of September are probably the 2 biggest times for creating goals. At least for me.

So what will this fall bring? 5 courses in my second year of University. I am really looking forward to the Philosophy of Sex and Love, which is a full year course. It is a 3rd year seminar course with only 12 students and I luckily hopped in early so I got into it. It might inspire me to 1) Actually want to complete my philosophy degree and 2) consider careers in sexology. I think my average will increase, even if I don't improve my studying techniques. Everyone I know gets higher grades come 2nd year just because. I think first year profs purposely mark hard. I don't know. Whatever. I need to let go of the idea that I may have a learning disorder. I have been tested. They said no. I think I just have too much insight into the system that it frustrates me.

I forget who was saying this to me. I think it was a coworker. But we were talking about the university system and how it caters to average students. Below average students suffer because of lack of support, or if they do seek out support, tutoring usually costs money so they end up paying more. Above average students aren't challenged so they fall off the bandwagon. I have learned that I am average in some things and slightly above average in other things. The only thing I have a genius IQ in is writing, specifically essay writing. I write really REALLY fast. I have unique ideas. I think that is just that. I make grammar mistakes all of the time. I'm sure PhD students are picking them out right now, but I rarely edit my blog posts because I simply choose not to. I quickly get my ideas out and then publish them.

Anyways.

What else does the fall bring?

My marathon. October 19th. 86 days from today. My goal was to run a marathon before October 28th (my 19th birthday this year). I was supposed to run the marathon in May but then I got mono and couldn't afford the trip anymore. So that was that. But I didn't give up. I am still training. My running has worsened but it is definitely still really good. I just know I can do better. I have a goal to run 400km before September 6th. So far I have run about 24, so I have some running to do. I am going for a run tonight.

ALSO. I am signing up for dance again. I did dance as a kid, and I did a semester of it in high school. I miss it so much. I talk about it all of the time. So I am doing it. As long as the schedule swings with my schedule. I am likely doing hip hop. I considered getting back into Jazz, but honestly, I don't feel like working on my spins. I might do jazz next year along with hip hop if I still have the time and money.

Lastly: my jobs. I have to lessen the hours at the places I work but I don't know what to tell them. One of the places I work doesn't give out set shifts so I can't ask them to do that. The other place might. If that place will give me like a Tuesday morning shift and like a Saturday shift (just as an example) every week, I'll be fine with that. I'll just tell the other place to schedule around it. If worst comes to worst, I know which one I will be quitting.

I think now that everything will be okay and I won't be busy. But I will be. Sadly. 

Perspective Post #1

I said I would post 2 posts by Wednesday about my so called "journey" in Belleville. It's boring, but at least it is something to do. I just got back about an hour ago, I'm just waiting for my boyfriend to get home from work. Despite me saying they will be posted BY Wednesday, I will post this post on Wednesday and pre-write the second one to be posted tomorrow.

Anyways, my two posts are going to be about gaining perspective. By this I mean looking at my life and myself in different ways. The first post will be about reviewing my past and interpreting present events (sort of). The second post will be focusing more on my relationship with my boyfriend and what perspective I gained from being away from him for a few days (it doesn't sound like a lot but we've seen each other everyday since Christmas so it was our first break in a while).

I have been complaining I have been bored lately. But I have solved that problem on this trip. Again, sort of.

My biggest problem is that I do not have a full-time job while my boyfriend does. I talked to a bunch of people from my high school (teachers and friends) and my mom and feel a lot better about my situation. I was talking to one of my teachers and she just was like "Wow, you sound all set!" despite me not having a full-time job.

I have a car, a great relationship, a part-time job, I know where I want to go education wise (For the most part). I'm set. How am I so dumb to not see this?

Sure, I have a lot of time on my hands but I should really just take advantage of this and finally start a BOOK! Use my time to actually do some learning on some subjects I want to learn about outside of school.

If I don't find a full-time job by the summer-school semester I will pick up a course or two using money from my education fund (this never occurred to me because I didn't want to touch my education fund this year).

Anyways. From high school to now I feel...: personality wise: I feel the same, except more confident. Body wise: I have gained a couple of pounds and lost a bit of endurance but I am working on that. But I do feel different. More mature, more loved (by my boyfriend), more of an alcoholic (not an actual alcoholic)... I don't know. I've just grown up. As one of my old teachers said, "Wow! You look great! You've matured so much!"

This reflection really seems all over the place. I don't know. My teachers asked me if I enjoyed school, it was quite hard saying that I didn't.

I also noticed myself saying "Oh well" to a LOT of people. Is that my thing now? Saying "Oh well"?

Oh well.

There is not Enough Freedom in School

One time when I was in grade 12 we had to do a presentation on a theme based off of our two independent novels so I chose the generic theme of freedom. I began my presentation by asking people to place a dash on a scale of 0-10 (0 not free and 10 is very free)I drew on the chalkboard of how free they feel. It was a really good visual to see how free people felt. Most of the dashes were around the 6 mark.

I asked the class some leading questions and the one leading question was "Where do you feel the least free?" the class almost immediately responded with saying "school". I astounded my english teacher.

As a teacher I would think it would seem quite frightening to hear this. At first it does not seem like a big deal but in the terms of liberal education it becomes an enormous deal that students feel the least free in school.

Liberal education means questioning everything. Putting everything up for question and allowing freethinking to happen. If people do not feel free in a classroom, liberal education is not going to flow easily.

If there is a place for voicing your opinion and bouncing ideas off of other people, school should be this place. Especially high school. High school is when people are figuring out the world and who they are and who they will be in the world and if they are spending 8 hours a day in a building that doesn't have an atmosphere that encourages freedom of ideas or freedom in general we are just going to mass-produce chunks of people and not individuals.

Although, is this not what we are doing with the world? Creating stereotypes for people to fall into in order to better classify the earth, especially in the terms of consumerism and culture.

Anyways, I have a theory on why students feel the least amount of freedom in school.

1) Too many rules. High school is filled with a bunch of useless rules that intimidates students. For example: not wearing hats in the halls. This rule is so useless and I am pretty sure the only reason it is still around is because it gives authority figures a reason to assert their authority. This leads me to my 2nd point.

2) Too much authority. Obviously for safety reasons teachers and principals need to have a degree of authority over students but when a student walks into a classroom where they are instructed lessons and not encouraged to join in conversation equally with their teacher and classmates, they are not going to be successful in thinking freely. I had an amazing teacher once who was able to do both assert her authority over the class while also encouraging class participation. How? She didn't take bullshit and had a tough exterior but was also understanding and showed a great deal of compassion. She was also passionate about her subject she was teaching. She encouraged conversation by refusing to continue until people replied to her questions. She used group-work more than once a week to encourage classroom relationships. She wouldn't force you to work but would encourage it. It was the perfect amount of authority.

Anyways. This is just what I think. We need freedom in classrooms to be able to actually learn without bias. This is the gold nugget all teachers should strive to capture in each and all of their lessons, classes, days, and in their career. It is very important that students both get the factual material but also are given the chance to speculate it freely.

What do you think? Do you agree with my theory? What do you think about freedom in schools/classrooms?

I'd love to hear in the comment section!

My 5 Qualms with University

I have some qualms with university life. This isn't specific to university classes and academics, more of the atmosphere, things surrounding university and residence, perhaps.

#5: Money

I feel kind of weird complaining about money but it is a common belief that people in university really are scraping by financially. Many and arguably most people come out with loads of debt and with no jobs available. But I am not here to complain about the government, loans or the unavailability of jobs, I am simply stating that it is ridiculous. Something does need to be done.

The other thing is that getting even a part-time job during university it hard. Everybody is trying to. I have a pretty good resume for an 18 year old, I have applied at a few places, I have not received any calls back. Although I haven't tried too hard. Still, I applied at probably 5-10 places over the course of the past few months and I have heard nothing.

It is ridiculous that people should even be working during school. It should be just time for study. If you add a social life to work and school it is insanely stressful. But more on that later.

#4: The Prestige
I hate how some universities have prestige over others. Does it really matter? It is about course content and good professors. Just because a university has a good rep doesn't mean that it has professors that are passionate and love their subject. Of course professors like that can be discovered at prestigious universities.

I just don't understand why one is better. Just go to the more inexpensive one and don't waste thousands of extra dollars.

#3: The Usage of University

That is a weird way to title my argument.

Many people go to school to attain a certain career, but that shouldn't be the only reason. So many people forget that university is a school and the purpose of a school is to learn. Yes, I understand earning money and attaining a career is important to many people but deep, deep down the ultimate purpose of school is to learn.

I just want students to realize this.

#2: The lack of adaptability

In high school education is becoming much more tailored to the individual with IEPs, specialized programming for advanced students, levelled courses, etc. University isn't like this. What you have is a lecture hall, exams, essays and readings. That is your structure. Sometimes there are labs. Sometimes there are co-ops. But it is all the same. You take 5 courses at once from Sept-Dec and then Jan-April, or at least this is my school.

There are no options to do things like take one course at a time for one month. I hate it.

Personally, I know I don't learn best by the university lecture method and having 5 courses at a time. I would much rather spend 3-4 weeks on one course at a time and not have lecture and just have everything in a book or online. I submit assignments and work within my own deadline. This is how I work, but not how university does.

#1: Stress

Everyone is stressed. Everyone is stressed. Everyone is stressed. It is constant. It is all of the time. Why are we stressed? Money, friends, school, grades, money, family, money, work, time, effort, assignments, readings, school, school, school. Sure, we have centres that offer counselling to help with time management and money management and emotional counselling and what not but so many people require these services... and they barely help. If people need these services to reduce stress maybe we shouldn't be trying to "fix" individuals and we should be fixing the entire school system.


What are your qualms with university? College? High school? Education in general?

I HAVE A LEARNING DISORDER!?

Last week I went to my family doctor for a couple of things, one thing was asking her about testing and/or medication for ADD (Attention deficit disorder). She informed me that I would need to go through testing. She prodded me more on possible symptoms that could signal that I have may have a learning disability. I pointed out that I approached her about my poor memory back in grade 10.

I have frequently complained about my poor memory on my blog and I've noticed it since grade 10.

I also realized another symptom I have been having other than poor memory and lack of ability to concentrate. I don't speak clearly sometimes. You can probably find hundreds of confusing sentences I have written on my blog posts before. My blogs aren't the worst, the worst is my handwriting because it is slower than my typing. Quite often I go on and on in a sentence and then I will actually switch the focus of the sentence halfway through because my memory has failed me halfway through and I will switch tenses and such. My memory fails me and I write confusing sentences.

My friends have also informed me they have "No idea what I am talking about" or texting about.

This is kind of a shock to me that I MIGHT have a learning disability/disorder.

I have received high grades ever since grade 2. I was at the top of the class until around grade 6 then I was just really good until grade 9. In high school (Depending on the subject) I was generally anywhere between having one of the top 5 marks to being just above average (except in science, math and french). I had a 92% average in my final year of high school, qualifying me for full tuition at my school, my first year.

I know that marks are supposed to drop in your first year, but I am having difficulty retaining and learning mass amounts of information at once. It is a lot more information thrown at you at one time and my brain just can't handle it. University is different.

I hate thinking that I may need assistance because I am an extremely independent person who hates relying on other people. In another way, I think that I could use the help. I really just wanted meds to be able to allow me to focus on my textbook readings, mostly. But now I have to go through this whole process.

I am going through for testing (hopefully). I have a meeting within the next week with the person who schedules and screens people for learning disability testing. It can cost me up to $1000 but it may be covered by OSAP (Ontario education funding assistance program, for those who do not know). I have to be approved to actually receive the testing first. If they don't sense anything before testing, I won't get any done.

Then I will just be back to square one, not knowing what is wrong with my mind.

In other news, I am getting really into writing poetry. I find inspiration everywhere, now. It's just a matter of finding the time to write it all down...

Oh well.

I don't want your pity or luck. I'm just writing this to inform the public about what I am going through, I suppose. Maybe looking for some insight from experts or people with experience with this sort of thing. I don't know.

Poopsocks.

Why every student should learn philosophy

I am enrolled in the Philosophy program at my school and I am planning to do a double-major with English and Philosophy. I love to think and to write, so this makes sense for me. Of course these two majors aren't very logical to go for since they don't provide a good job afterwards, unless you want to go to grad school and become a professor or you want to become a teacher.

Most people I know are either "science" or "arts" people. Either they are better at math and science or they are better at arts subjects. The "in betweens" are the social sciences because they sort of combine science and arts, like Psychology and Sociology. I used to want to major in Psych (and I still might) but that is besides the point.

The point is that being an arts student is extremely rewarding. I am not saying "Quick! Everyone go get an arts degree!" I just mean that at some point in your life you should either enrol in a single credit of philosophy, english, history, whatever your arts preference or perhaps just read a lot of literature based on a few subjects. I think it is extremely healthy and although shouldn't be a requirement, should be strongly recommended by most universities to have to have at least 1 credit in an arts subject.

I was reading an article in Macleans (here) about french students who think Philosophy shouldn't have to be a requirement since it doesn't prepare you for the "real life".

The real life?
THE REAL LIFE?

The real life should involve questioning, studying and your mind playing an active role in the understanding of great metaphysical questions and the questioning of ethics. The mind should have to do this. Why? It's simple. Blind commitment. If our society just keeps progressing we are going to start forgetting why we do the things we do. For example, Why do we shop in grocery stores instead of farming? Why do we want to get jobs? These questions are things everyone should have to really think of and answer. It doesn't even have to be ancient philosophy, it should be modern philosophy.

Maybe this is an over exaggeration and a fallacy, but I am just trying to prove to you that it is important to question things and if you have to force a mandatory philosophy credit upon students to get them to start questioning things, then do so.

If I could have it my way, I would have Philosophy a mandatory credit in high school for grade 11 students, just when they are starting to try to figure out their futures. If I could, I would also make philosophy a mandatory credit in university for first year students, although there are no assignments and although the reading is "recommended", the attendance is necessary, you have to pass by having attended something like 95% or even 100% of all classes. This way it barely takes away from your actual subject of study since there is no outside work, just perhaps a 1-3 hour lecture per week, for one or two semesters. That is it. No laptops, as well, so you have to pay attention. If I could have it more my way, again, I would have a seminar once a week as well in small groups so they can discuss what they learned in the lecture earlier in the week.

I want to ponder on my "modern philosophy" point. I think that people should have a healthy skepticism. Maybe the university philosophy course can be chosen more specifically to be a historical philosophy from a certain time period, a general overview or a more "modern" philosophy. Basically, questioning things that are around us today, like I said earlier like "Why do we go to the grocery store instead of farm?". Being able to question these things just makes us understand the world around us, a little more.

But the learning of philosophy or any other arts subject definitely doesn't have to happen in classrooms or lecture halls, it can happen in libraries, on the internet, or even alone.

I do understand how people find the study of things like literature, philosophy and history to be completely useless, but it isn't. People think that since it doesn't lead to a career that it is worthless to society. These people are the ones who tend to forget that getting a career isn't the be-all and the end-all.


If you are interested in learning anything about philosophy in specifics I suggest:
- Starting off with some Plato which is fairly easy to understand or perhaps Nietzsche if you have an advanced reading level and want to be slightly entertained because Nietzsche has some crazy ideas (which I love)
AND/OR
- Just question things around you
AND/OR
- Enrolling in one college credit at the college or university near you, perhaps you can just enrol in a "non-degree" which usually means that you can walk into any class and just pay attention, not get a degree and not have to do any work
AND/OR
- Have fun reading the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy http://plato.stanford.edu/ This is the best resource for everything philosophy. It is highly reliable and you can certainly learn from it. I've used it for research projects in the past but I suppose you could just read it for fun if you wanted to

Having fun expanding your minds!

Last week before University ramble

Hi. How are you? That's good, I really don't care.

I am pretty unemotional but I am sure this week is going to be filled with many screams of joy and exhaust.

Let's see, here is my unofficial list:

1. Pack shit the fuck up because I am moving 5 hours the fuck away to go to University.
2. FIGURE OUT WHY MY BACK HURTS. Actually this isn't on my list, but my back fucking hurts. I think I've wrecked it from MY LAST DAY OF WORK (yesterday). Jeezzz.
3. Watch all of the comedy shows. Classes don't start until September 9th but I am trying to get through a bunch of TV shows, lectures and podcasts to listen to. I am trying to finish off Nurse Jackie and get through as much of the Drew Carey Show as I possibly can. I also have a collection of Proopcasts and some tedtalks I want to listen to and watch.
4. Cry
5. Hug my dog
6. Cry while hugging my dog
7. Throw a fucking party and I'm the only one invited
8. Leave my room clean and sort through the papers I definitely should not leave behind for her to read.
9. Go to the gym
10. Go for lots of runs because I want to
11. Drop off my law textbook at my high school because for some reason I still have it
12. Cry while dropping off the textbook and make my past teachers think I am even more crazy than when I left
13. See some friends
14. Not see some friends
15. Not get to see my cousin because her mom is not only has an asshole, but her entire personality is of one.

Jeez-Louise.

People keep asking me if I am nervous or excited for university and I can honestly say that I am both and neither. I am nervous for my roommates because I am scared they'll be major druggies or nymphos or want to talk to me everyday and have conversations... like what are people? Partially kidding. Partially. I am also nervous that I am going to have too much of a workload. I have Geology, Philosophy, Poli Sci, English and Psychology my first semester. I am also starting up the Comedy Troupe at my school. I also have an avid gym and running schedule that I like to not skip. I don't plan on having a social life. My social life will hopefully be my Comedy Troupe, if things go as planned.

I am excited for the Comedy Troupe, for English and Philosophy and to meet some of the new people I am going to meet. I am usually not big on meeting new people and doing new things because I am a lame introvert, but I am excited to meet some new people. I like change and new things, it's just a stretch for me.

In general I think that I am ready for university. I am actually spoiled rotten by the amount of things my mom bought me.

Let's talk about this whole University thing for a second.

Last summer I decided I didn't want to go to University because my whole non-conformist person kicked in and was like "It's all stupid! You don't need a piece of paper to say 'Dis person iz smarttt' Credentialism is nonsense!" but then I realized that to fix society you have to live at least partially within it. You can't play baseball unless you're in the field. It's like trying to bat balls from the seats. It just doesn't work.

Then I decided to go to university because of my fascination with learning. I love to learn things and schools are generally where you learn things. I want to say that 80% of the reason I am going to university is because I want to learn, and that is true, although now there is this little 5% that says "Go because society is telling you to!". FYI the other 15% is because I don't know what I'd do if I didn't go to university.

My major has changed wayyyyyy too much. Let's just for once and for all give a final layout of what I wanted to be when I "grew up" since I was a kid

1999- Cake Baker (like my mom)
2000- Doctor
2003-2006- Veteranarian
2006- Astronaut
2006-2012- Psychologist
2012-2013 Teacher

And what I wanted my major/minors to be from grade 9, onward:
- Psychology
- Psychology + Minor in Sociology
- Psychology + Minor in Gerontology
- Psychology and Philosophy
- Psychology and Sociology
- Psychology and Political Science
- Political Science and Philosophy
- Philosophy
- Philosophy and Psychology
- Philosophy and English

Confusion.

I also plan to get my Bachelor of Education. I want to do graduate studies but I am not really sure yet.

I don't have to declare my major until the end of 1st year, so at least I have a little more time. I can't tell you how much I have thought and over thought this.

Lately all I want to do is become a comedian even though I am not that funny. I just want to do whatever I am watching on TV and I am watching Standup and Improv lately. I wanted to be a City councilman when I was watching Parks and Recreation. Thank goodness I didn't want to sell paper when I was watching the Office.

I'll figure it out. Maybe.

Annoyed Atheist

I was extremely annoyed yesterday, although it is mostly my fault.

I have inevitably been doing a lot of thinking about atheism, since I am writing a comedy book about atheism, but also because I decided to take Religious Studies in my first year at university.

Let me give you some background before I tell today's story. I am an (agnostic) atheist and I am pretty strong on my views. I was talking to somebody close to me about theism and atheism and how I am taking the Religious Studies course. 

I was explaining my reason for taking Religious Studies to this person and for your curiosity, it is for a few reasons:

1. I genuinely find religions fascinating

2. I feel like I will have more credibility than the average theist if I have taken a religion course, I feel like I might get something out of it

3. There is a 3rd year atheist course I want to take (which can be counted towards my Philosophy degree) but I have to have the 1st year credit to take it.

So I was explaining this (well the first and third reasons) to this person and then I jokingly said "Hey! At the end of first year I could change my major to Religion!" and they responded "Why would you do that?"

I actually took a little bit of offence to this, but I let it slip. I started talking about my majors again as well as what that might mean for me if I decide to go into teaching (which I likely will).

At one point in time, deep into the conversation this person said something along the lines of "You can't be a teacher if you think that".

This is making me furious just sitting here typing it. They were referring to me being an atheist. 

Excuse me? I can't be a teacher if I am atheist? And people wonder why theists frustrate me so much.

I tried to explain that as a teacher you have to be open minded and obviously if I were to ever teach a course (we were specifically talking about teaching a religion course) in high school that I would have to share all aspects and points of view of a subject, and as a teacher I can barely even share my opinion (which is part of the reason why I am not leaning towards NOT wanting to be a teacher). To be a teacher you must be open-minded, which I am fully aware of. This person seems to think I am going to start forcing atheism down people's throats in a classroom.

Anyways, I was attempting to explain this, but this person wouldn't shut up. They kept talking over me. This is when our conversation that led to debate which led to disagreement, then became an argument. I started shouting out to "shut up and let me talk" and this person wouldn't let me.

That is basically the end of this. I didn't get a chance to explain anything because they wouldn't SHUT UP. 

I am furious. I am annoyed. These little interactions with theists or even just people close to me, make me want to stomp out a puppy. 

This led me to cry a little. Not because we argued, I was literally crying because some people are so (for lack of a better word) STUPID and can't be open-minded. 

Sometimes when I talk atheism vs. theism I am offensive. I honestly don't care. I feel the need to push my limits because I look at theism almost like a societal crisis. A mass group of people believe in something that doesn't exist! Can you really blame me for wanting to stop it? 

I cry because I am so frustrated that people won't be open-minded to really realize god doesn't exist.

Although saying this to a theist means nothing, because they just try to rationalize me being atheist by saying I am the devil, by saying that I had a bad childhood or I am just mad at god. 

NO. I am just the only sober person in a world filled with idiots drunken and poisoned by theism.

I feel like to a theist right now that I am actually pretty funny because I seem like the idiot. Trust me, I'm not.

I think that my point in saying all of this is that I have realized (once again) that I can't control everyone. I feel like my ideas, opinions, etc., should be the world. I fully believe I am correct. But I am also 100% sure that everyone thinks the same about their own ideas. Back in my Grade 12 philosophy course I would always answer questions by first stating that there is no correct answer because everyone's views are different, and would go on to tell my views and explain why.

I just have to accept that not everybody is going to agree with me. I just hope that there are some groups of people that will listen to me.

I have 2 last little tidbits about atheism to dissolve away from my rant...

1. I was considering getting an atheist themed tattoo, mostly just because people's cross tattoos annoy me, but also because I am an atheist and I wanted to display it. I soon talked myself out of it because I rationalized that it is weird to display that I have a belief in something that is a belief that something doesn't exist. It's like getting a tattoo saying "Frog-birds don't exist" to me. So I am not getting it, because I think it's weird.

2. My book. I shall reveal a little more. Not too much, though. I don't want my blog to become my process and ideas of my book. I already said that:

1. I am writing a book about atheism

2. It is comical

Now I shall reveal sort of the premiss. It is directed for the atheist reader, although some aspects may apply to theists. It's sort of a how-to book for atheists, but it is all completely bogus stuff, making it funny. Sort of. I may change some parts, I have barely started it. It is still in the brainstorming process. It will forever be in the brainstorming process, until it is published (which I hope someday, it will be). 

Does anybody else get really annoyed when someone has the complete opposite idea about something that you believe in? 

The Book

A few months ago, I blogged about wanting to start writing a book, so I did begin to write it. But I got part way through, and I hated it, so I stopped. Recently I opened up that file again, and read parts of it, again, I agreed with my previous thought that it "sucked", but I insisted on continuing writing.

That didn't work out.

So for the next few days I decided to brainstorm new ideas for a book to write, until June 30th, I came up with an idea of what to write about.

But how will I know that I will actually finish the book?

I don't. But I want to. I am going to work hard on it.

I think part of my problem is that I don't plan it out enough, in advance. So right after I am done writing this blog post, I am going to start brainstorming. Coming up with ideas of what to talk about, look for inspiring quotes and photos, chapter ideas, etc. I realized in my Writer's Craft course, one of my weaknesses was not doing enough planning.

I wanted to just write and have everything come out natural and amazing. Well you know what? That only happens like 2% of the time. Most writing requires planning, or else it sucks and/or is confusing.

I'm not going to put deadlines on this. Originally, I wanted to have it done by the time I moved to North Bay, but by putting a deadline on it, especially that short of one, it doesn't give me room to make mistakes or get caught up doing other things. I hope to have it done by the end of 2014, but I doubt it will take that long. I have not written a whole novel.

I have a lot of research to do. I've realized that those stupid things you do in english and in school... even in primary school, the whole "Hamburger" and "plot graphs" etc., they actually have a purpose. Although I am writing a non-fiction novel, not a fictional one.

I actually do need to make pointless t-charts in which I write down what I know, what I need to learn and what I don't need to know. I do need to research how to write a book, how other authors have written books, similar to the same genre of mine. School actually does teach you things if you stick around long enough and remember things YEARS after you've learned them.

Anyways. I am not giving away my whole concept of the book, mostly because I don't have the whole concept yet, but essentially it is going to be about atheism.


I might make the occasional blog entry to talk about my progress in the book.

I am excited. 

#21-23 30 Day Writing Challenge

I got lazy. I admit. I messed up for the second time on the writing challenge. Boo.

I blogged yesterday, outside of the writing challenge, so at least that is good!

Before I get started, I just want to say I updated my quotes page!

#21- How you Hope your Future will be like

I want to be a politician and go into education as well.

I've just been saying education and teacher for the past little bit... but I do want to get into politics. The other day someone in my class was going a presentation and then told us to write down the first thing that popped into our heads that would make us happy.

The first thing that popped into my head was to become an MPP and be the Minister of Education.

I hope I have a family. It isn't the end of the world if I don't get married, although I hope I do. I might have kids even if I don't get married. If I am not busy, career wise, and not married by 30 or in a relationship, I've thought I would have a kid, by myself.

I hope I have enough money and I am not in debt. Debt scares me so much.

#22- Your Academics

I get decent grades. I always have. I don't work overly hard, I did in grade 11, though. I wouldn't call myself smart or a genius. I just do the work with moderate effort and hand it in. Tests I have more issues with because that means that I have to memorize things, which I am not good at.

I get the best grades on essays. In fact, in almost all of my grade 12 courses, I have gotten 100% on one or more essays. I have in exercise science, peer tutoring, law, writer's craft, family studies and philosophy. I haven't in history or english.

This semester (my last semester of high school) I don't know all of my grades yet. At midterms I had a 94% in Law, 94% in Peer tutoring and a 92% in Writers Craft. I know my final grade in peer tutoring was a 96%, but I won't find out for a week or so what my other final grades are. I had a 94% going into my Law exam and a 90% going into my writer's craft exam.

My worst mark ever in high school was a 67%, which was in grade 11 math. My best grade was peer tutoring. My average in grade 12 is around 90%, but I won't know for sure until I get my other 2 grades.

#23 - Something that you Miss

Something that I miss... well high school I am going to miss. I miss my Dad. What should I talk about?

I am going to specifically miss 9 of the courses I took in high school. Especially 4 of them.
- Peer tutoring Careers + Civics (GPP30) which I took in grade 10
- Peer tutoring Foods (IDC4U) which I just finished
- Triology, which I took in grade 10
- Individuals and Families in a Diverse Society which I took in grade 11
- Grade 10 history
- Grade 11 history
- Grade 12 Canadian History
- Grade 12 Classical Civilizations
- Philosophy, which I took online

I am going to miss some of the people. But the people I am going to miss the most, are my friends, so of course we are going to keep in contact when we all move away from each other.

I am going to miss cross country. I only did it in grade 12, but I made a bunch of new friends there. Two of them I will be coming back to visit, if I do come back to visit the school, next year.

There are definitely a few teachers I will be coming back to harass if I visit the school.



__________


In other news, my prom is TOMORROW, Monday, June 24th! I might post some pics on Tuesday's blog post, or do a separate blog post just on that.

My blog should be "back to normal" in July, which is when I'll be writing more posts that aren't completely about myself, which is sort of what this writing challenge is.

I've been thinking a lot about politics lately. I might blog about Justin Trudeau, Why I want to go into politics, my stance on democracy... I am excited. My brain is bubbling. Is that an expression? Now it is.

#17 30 Day Writing Challenge - Something that I'm Proud of

This is honestly the hardest topic I have gotten for the writing challenge, so far. What am I proud of?

I guess it's not that hard. The first thing that came to my mind was running. But I decided I didn't want to brag. But I am coming up short on ideas, so I guess I will go with that.

I have run 2 half marathons, 1 30k and I won an award for cross country at school. I haven't even been running for 2 years, yet. I started in November 2011, and then I just started training.

I am really proud of what I have accomplished. Self pride. It's not really that braggy/selfish, right? I don't care.

But I guess that is something I am the most proud of.

Recently my running stamina has decreased. I haven't run over 16km since the last half marathon I ran, in early May. I've been trying to hit the half marathon mark, but I just get so bored with running.

I used to think I prefer running slower and doing long runs, like the half marathon, 30k, and hopefully someday a full marathon. Lately it's been annoying and hard. I don't want to give up, but it's just really hard getting myself back out there, for whatever reason.

I am thinking of doing varsity cross country at my university. I probably will at first. If I get too busy or it gets too hard, I can always quit halfway through. What I can't do is join halfway through. I'll at least join at first.

Anyways. Why is it so hard to think of something to be proud about? Geez.

Am I a pessimist or non-conformist? Part 2

It's not absolutely peril that you read "Am I a pessimist or non-conformist?" to understand this post, but it is a continuation.

I was talking about how I am a fairly negative person, generally. I don't consider myself a pessimist, it's just I try to make sure that the negatives in the good things get pointed out.

Yesterday, in the class I tutor in, a student was trying to tell me something and finally she found the words and said something along the lines of "You are a really positive person like oh everything is good just look at it this way".

I was just like whaaaaaaa, because I consider myself a negative person. But I guess that is just what is in my head, and that otherwise I seem positive.

In the class I tutor in, I try to be positive to make up for all of their negativity ex: "I don't want to do this" "This is stupid" "I'm being bullied" "I'm going to fail", etc.

I guess maybe I am more positive to them.

But I hate seeming like Miss. Perfect, because they know I get fairly good grades and that I try fairly hard on most things in school, so I went on to tell them how I think I am negative. They just kind of looked at me, so then I just mocked the one girl's face and they laughed. I find myself actually trying to prove myself to be not Miss. Perfect to them, and I tell them a lot of stories about me that are the type of things I put in my blog and don't talk about face-to-face with people, like my dad's death, my restraining order against my dad, my crying fits and panic attacks. Yesterday I told them how I was upset one day and just walked out of class. But I also did this to console this other girl who was telling us a similar story, and I wanted to comfort her and let her know that she's not alone. I also told her something someone told me, is that if you are fuming and upset and angry, that you should just walk out of class, cry, scream, do whatever you need to, and not let it bunch up.

I think I am negative, but I seem like I am positive, but I am really negative and positive. Aren't we all?

This reminds me of something else. One time one of my teachers told me that I am "sensitive", because we were talking about horoscopes and Scorpios and water signs are usually seen as sensitive. But I just flat out said no I'm not, but then she said again that she thinks I am, but after arguing back and forth for a bit she was kind of like "Okay maybe you're not".

So that day I thought about it some more "Am I sensitive?" I don't think "sensitive" is the first word that comes to mind when I think of myself. But it can be thought of in a few different ways, sensitive like when somebody says something to me, I react, or sensitive like I am intuitive with others' feelings. I think she meant the second one. But either way, I thought about it and I could see myself as sensitive.

I kind of felt bad that I just turned down the fact that I was. It is just one of those memories that I think is probably going to stick around for a long time.

But the thing was and still is, is that I don't like being known as sensitive. I don't want to be known as the nice, sensitive, optimist. I hate that. I used to thrive on that stuff, but now i just hate it.

But  don't want to be negative, mean and insensitive. I guess I am both.

I don't want to say deep down I am sensitive and positive, and on the surface that I have a negative shell, because I feel like to certain people I just show what I want to. I'm not going to be outright mean to anyone unless I think I need to be. But I am not going to go out of my way to help people either.

I just do whatever I want.

I am cynical, critical and skeptical, which is why I like having this negativity about me, because I do think that society and things should be questioned, and it helps to have a negative mind for that.

Are you a negative or a positive person?

Too busy, not busy enough

I have had a lot of "bloggable" things on my mind lately. My computer has been acting up lately, so I didn't get a chance to blog each thing individually, in depth. So I will just generally talk about what I've been thinking about.

I have been extremely bored all week. Bored and lazy. I have had nothing to do at school, and I had supply teachers all week. I always save my homework and assignments for Sunday mornings, so this morning when I had 3 things to do, I was so excited. I have just been so unchallenged lately. Peer tutoring is the only challenge I have at school. Things just seem to be moving so slow.

I have been so lazy--- and STRESSED OUT about BEING lazy, that on Saturday I woke up, got dressed, and started crying because I had to go to work. I took the day off as a mental health day. I just needed a day off, even though I have pretty much had the whole week off. But I am glad I did it. I just needed that day. It is weird that even though I have been bored all week that I needed to take another day off.

All I know is that I need a new challenge. I think I am going to pour my energy into three things:
1. My half marathon is on Sunday, so I am doing last minute training stuff. Sort of, I don't want to injure myself again! But today I am running 10k, but I am doing it at a fast pace. Tuesday or Wednesday I am going to do 15k-21k then on Friday I am going to do a little run, maybe 5k or so, just before the weekend. Also, I'm going to pour my energy into my bodybuilding as well. Today I am doing back. Monday I am doing abs and chest. Tuesday I am not sure if I am doing anything other than running or cardio. Wednesday is Shoulders, Thursday is back, Friday I am not sure if I am going to the gym, but if I do I am going to do a lot of stretching. Saturday I am going to toronto and then Sunday is the half marathon!
2. I am trying to read this book, but it is hard to get through the first few chapters. It's a sociology book I picked up from chapters, I thought seemed interesting. It's called "Going solo" by Eric Klinenberg.
3. I am going to start writing my essay for writers craft. I decided my final project is an essay. My topic for the essay is either "Why people think I am smart" or "Why I am not smart". It's going to be a satirical essay. But it is going to have to be pretty long. I think the rough copy is due in 2-3 weeks.

I hate having too much to do, but I also hate having too little to do. I need to find my balance.

Let's do this!

I'm Not Perfect

Perfection. Having everything just completely right, the way you want.

I don't think I am a perfectionist.

I try really hard at what I do in school, work and my hobbies, but I don't expect to come out perfect. I usually expect to come out better than most people, but not the best. Is this perfectionism? No. Maybe I have high expectations, but I am not a perfectionist. But is that really better to have high expectations? I get let down easily.

A lot of people think I am a perfectionist. I find myself trying to convince people I am not a perfectionist. Especially to people at school. I just got perfect attendance. Do you know how hard is to convince people you are not perfect, right after you get that?

I don't think people expect me to do well all of the time. I hope not, at least. I think people just sort of assume I try hard at everything.

But I find myself purposely exploiting my weaknesses, in person to some people, and mostly on twitter, just to bring myself down in the eyes of others.

See, I am pretty comfortable with who I am, to myself. I act differently and change who I am a little, just to change the perspective other people have of me--- even if that is not the right opinion they should have. People always freak out at this too. Changing yourself for other people. But that is how I get ahead in life.

I am technically not changing myself, I'm just changing what people think of me.

This can get complicated, actually. If I show one person more aspects of one side of me, and another different aspects, so I appeal to them more, or possible even appeal to them less.

My point with this is that
- I am not perfect
- Some people tend to think I am perfect, so I exploit myself to change their mind

I think all people understand what I am trying to say about changing yourself. I think I just look at my personality in a lot of different ways. If I were to describe myself, to myself I would say I am quiet, analytical and weird. If I were to describe myself to a teacher I might call myself quiet, determined and dedicated.

My mom keeps telling me not to be hard on myself. People tell me to stop being hard on myself. They tell me to stop being a perfectionist.

But I am not perfect. I may have perfect attendance, try to look my best (on most days), practice really hard at running, lift weights and go to the gym, get good grades, etc.

But I also am not perfect at any of those things. I have only ever gotten top mark in ONE of my classes. I get good grades, but not the best.
I don't always look my best, I can't help that sometimes.
I injure myself while running, and have never gotten first in any running event, but I have always placed in the top 50% of my division.
I lift weights, more than the average woman, but I am still not the best.

Well my attendance may be "perfect" but that didn't count snow days. That technically didn't count the enormous amounts of time in english last semester we had supply teachers, and I would ask to go to the library and then just walk around the school.

Also, I completely forgot to do an entire half of a law assignment, that was worth a LOT. Luckily my teacher let me finish it lsat night to hand in today.

I am not perfect.

I change so often because I have a fish brain- Why Philosophy?

I have the crappiest memory.

I do not want to talk about that, here, now. But just let the record show that I can't remember shit.

Recently I was like "Why am I studying philosophy?".

I honestly had no idea why. I didn't remember selecting to study philosophy at any point. I knew that I blogged a lot about my choices for university, so I was looking through. Nothing. I found stuff that talked about me possibly wanting to do phys ed, psychology, wanting to be a teacher, not wanting to do anything, etc., but nothing specifically about choosing philosophy.

But I was looking through my old blog posts from the summer, and I honestly don't remember most of that stuff. My memory of myself from that time was COMPLETELY different from what my blog lead off. I am not sure if I was just faking who I was there, or I am really bad at remembering things.

But here I am. Asking myself "Why am I studying philosophy?". I would be perfectly happy studying sociology, psychology or political science. Double majoring with two of those. I can better answer the questions "Why do I want to take sociology, psychology or political science?" more than philosophy. So now is time for some intensive thinking.

Reasons why I may possibly be taking philosophy:
- I liked philosophy in history
- I like philosophy over the summer, the course I took online
- I find philosophy interesting
- I got a good grade in my philosophy course
- I like to think a lot
- Philosophy relates to a lot of subjects I like, like education, history and politics
- I am trying to answer the questions of life, and thats what philosophy is
- I want to learn about others' ideas and thoughts

Okay I guess I have a pretty legitimate reason. But I still don't remember when I decided on philosophy. I think at some point I just decided on philosophy and political science and I just was tired of changing my mind, so I just rested there, and that's where I stayed when I applied to university.

I looked through my old philosophy notes recently, and reminded myself of why I like it. I like the debate of the topics. I like looking at things like ethics, epistemology, waves of thought. I don't know. I just get it. Philo/sophy, the love of ideas. That's what I love.