Perspective Post #1

I said I would post 2 posts by Wednesday about my so called "journey" in Belleville. It's boring, but at least it is something to do. I just got back about an hour ago, I'm just waiting for my boyfriend to get home from work. Despite me saying they will be posted BY Wednesday, I will post this post on Wednesday and pre-write the second one to be posted tomorrow.

Anyways, my two posts are going to be about gaining perspective. By this I mean looking at my life and myself in different ways. The first post will be about reviewing my past and interpreting present events (sort of). The second post will be focusing more on my relationship with my boyfriend and what perspective I gained from being away from him for a few days (it doesn't sound like a lot but we've seen each other everyday since Christmas so it was our first break in a while).

I have been complaining I have been bored lately. But I have solved that problem on this trip. Again, sort of.

My biggest problem is that I do not have a full-time job while my boyfriend does. I talked to a bunch of people from my high school (teachers and friends) and my mom and feel a lot better about my situation. I was talking to one of my teachers and she just was like "Wow, you sound all set!" despite me not having a full-time job.

I have a car, a great relationship, a part-time job, I know where I want to go education wise (For the most part). I'm set. How am I so dumb to not see this?

Sure, I have a lot of time on my hands but I should really just take advantage of this and finally start a BOOK! Use my time to actually do some learning on some subjects I want to learn about outside of school.

If I don't find a full-time job by the summer-school semester I will pick up a course or two using money from my education fund (this never occurred to me because I didn't want to touch my education fund this year).

Anyways. From high school to now I feel...: personality wise: I feel the same, except more confident. Body wise: I have gained a couple of pounds and lost a bit of endurance but I am working on that. But I do feel different. More mature, more loved (by my boyfriend), more of an alcoholic (not an actual alcoholic)... I don't know. I've just grown up. As one of my old teachers said, "Wow! You look great! You've matured so much!"

This reflection really seems all over the place. I don't know. My teachers asked me if I enjoyed school, it was quite hard saying that I didn't.

I also noticed myself saying "Oh well" to a LOT of people. Is that my thing now? Saying "Oh well"?

Oh well.

So, I don't have a learning disability.

Last year I noticed something different a few months after I started my first year of university. I was having trouble concentrating on material, in lectures and while studying and writing assignments. I was pretty sure I had ADD. Most others around me also thought I had ADD when I described my symptoms to them. Thus, the journey began.

I approached my family doctor about my concerns and she referred me to my school to be tested for learning disabilities because she wouldn't prescribe me anything without a diagnosis. So I went to my school. They did some preliminary testing and told me that I am above average in my intellectual ability but I might be on the borderline of ADD. This was all found out around November, 3 months after I started university.

Today I finally had my appointment with the testing centre. My results? I don't have ADD. I don't have any learning disabilities. Again: I am above average in my intellectual ability.

I literally stumped the psychologist. My grades have dropped 20% since high school. Something is different, something has had to have changed.

Inevitably, grades do drop in university from high school but things just feel harder here. Or easier. I am bored. The material I am learning is not what I want to be learning. I find it boring. I love my majors (psychology and philosophy) but my profs are not doing it justice.

I explained all of this to the psychologist and he has decided to try to piece things together. Essentially, he thinks my inability to focus on my work has to do with my motivation, despite me having very high goals in my future. I have amazing goals it is just the tasks I have to accomplish to get to my goal (school) is not my cup of tea. I am stressed all of the time. I am bored. I am unengaged. I do not care about what I am learning. Even if I transferred schools it would still be the same format of learning.

So what do I do? The psychologist I saw informed me he was going to dwell on me a little longer and then contact the learning strategist I have been working with at my school and the three of us will work together. 

I wish I had a learning disability. I wish my problems could be solved with strategies or medication. But my problems are bigger than this because they cannot be fixed. My problems are my choices to face because of the goals I want to accomplish. 

This is the biggest rut of my life. I am sad. I am depressed. School depresses me. But I want to attain my BA in Psych and BA in Philosophy and then my Bachelor of Education, perhaps my masters in Education. Why? Well, I want to teach high school. I was fed up with the high school educational system and I wanted to help fix it from within but also teach high school as well to fulfill my passion for educating and being a leader. I am now leaning towards wanting to work in university education just because of how much it takes out of me. 

The system does not work for me. It does not work for most people. Human purpose is to live. A part of living is sleeping. University students do not get enough sleep. People should be able to live the life they choose but instead we pick the unhappy route so we can conform to society. This has been troubling me for a couple of years now and I still am conforming to all of this bullshit and it is maddening me. It is depressing me. It is pushing me deeper and deeper down into my own despair.

I shouldn't care this much about the university and education system in general but I am the type of person that likes to take charge and fix things and that is what I have been inspired to do. 

But for now, I am going to keep conforming to depression. Also, I can't do anything without a degree because of credentialism. I also cannot do anything because ageism (I am 18). 

Although, I did just get a good job (FINALLY). Readers may remember getting a job was one of my goals for this year. I am a Blog Editor and Marketing coordinator, it is an executive position with my university. I don't know too much about it because I was just hired and I have not started yet, but I find out tomorrow. I am looking forward to it. I am fairly lucky, job wise, compared to other people my age. I am not working a part-time shitty stressed job with some fast food or chain store. Someday I will probably have to again, before I have my degree, but for now, I look forward to having a job that I can actually do something effectively in. I am not putting down workers of chain stores or fast food stores, I am just judging the work of those places to have higher stress than my job and I am just thankful that I will (hopefully) not have to deal with it.

So at least that is good.

But I don't have a learning disability. I probably just have the psychological disorder called "conformity".

I HAVE A LEARNING DISORDER!?

Last week I went to my family doctor for a couple of things, one thing was asking her about testing and/or medication for ADD (Attention deficit disorder). She informed me that I would need to go through testing. She prodded me more on possible symptoms that could signal that I have may have a learning disability. I pointed out that I approached her about my poor memory back in grade 10.

I have frequently complained about my poor memory on my blog and I've noticed it since grade 10.

I also realized another symptom I have been having other than poor memory and lack of ability to concentrate. I don't speak clearly sometimes. You can probably find hundreds of confusing sentences I have written on my blog posts before. My blogs aren't the worst, the worst is my handwriting because it is slower than my typing. Quite often I go on and on in a sentence and then I will actually switch the focus of the sentence halfway through because my memory has failed me halfway through and I will switch tenses and such. My memory fails me and I write confusing sentences.

My friends have also informed me they have "No idea what I am talking about" or texting about.

This is kind of a shock to me that I MIGHT have a learning disability/disorder.

I have received high grades ever since grade 2. I was at the top of the class until around grade 6 then I was just really good until grade 9. In high school (Depending on the subject) I was generally anywhere between having one of the top 5 marks to being just above average (except in science, math and french). I had a 92% average in my final year of high school, qualifying me for full tuition at my school, my first year.

I know that marks are supposed to drop in your first year, but I am having difficulty retaining and learning mass amounts of information at once. It is a lot more information thrown at you at one time and my brain just can't handle it. University is different.

I hate thinking that I may need assistance because I am an extremely independent person who hates relying on other people. In another way, I think that I could use the help. I really just wanted meds to be able to allow me to focus on my textbook readings, mostly. But now I have to go through this whole process.

I am going through for testing (hopefully). I have a meeting within the next week with the person who schedules and screens people for learning disability testing. It can cost me up to $1000 but it may be covered by OSAP (Ontario education funding assistance program, for those who do not know). I have to be approved to actually receive the testing first. If they don't sense anything before testing, I won't get any done.

Then I will just be back to square one, not knowing what is wrong with my mind.

In other news, I am getting really into writing poetry. I find inspiration everywhere, now. It's just a matter of finding the time to write it all down...

Oh well.

I don't want your pity or luck. I'm just writing this to inform the public about what I am going through, I suppose. Maybe looking for some insight from experts or people with experience with this sort of thing. I don't know.

Poopsocks.

The 4 favourite lessons of mine I didn't learn in high school (Ideas for HS teachers!)

There were many great life lessons, not just subject-related lessons I learned in high school. I found I had learned many things outside of high school that I felt should be taught in high school.

This is a compilation of those lessons:

1. To Question Everything
None of my teachers ever told me to question things.  I am not sure where I picked up this lesson but I think it is extremely necessary to be taught. It should be taught not to accept everything as is, to question the books you read, the people you meet, the lessons you learn, everything.

By questioning things you start to learn. You broaden your mind and you are able to get an open-minded perspective on the world.

"The important thing is to not stop questioning" - Albert Einstein


2. The importance of health and physical activity
Sure, the importance of health and physical activity was discussed a little in some of my classes, specifically grade 9 gym (and gym only has to be taken once in high school). Since you only need 1 gym credit, you don't need to keep taking it. You don't even really learn about eating healthy or how much exercise you really need.

There is no doubt to how important being healthy is for the mind and for the body.

To the best of the ability of the instructor, lessons on being healthy should be offered. Obviously not all courses are tapered to display traits of healthy eating or how to work out, but some courses like Biology, Gym, Foods, etc., can be altered.

3. Money Management
I used to be horrible at managing my money. I am slowly becoming better because I have been learning how to organize my money and budget it out so I don't overspend and I can afford the things I need. This was never taught in high school. I still don't know how to do taxes! Nothing about money is ever taught in school, except how to count it. Some people don't even know this! When I used to work at a Cafe many customers informed me I am the only one who could count back change in my head.

If I had it my way, there would be a half credit mandatory course on money management in high school.

4. Reading Skills/Active reading
Sure, we all know how to read (at least where I went to school). We know how to turn pages, look at the words and then we know how to use chart paper to display our knowledge of the book. But never once did a single teacher mention the words "Active Reading" to me. Active reading needs to be taught. This is a big issue, especially since in university/college everyone has to go learn on their own without a teacher holding their hand and most of this reading is from a textbook. Active reading shouldn't just be taught in an english classroom with a fiction book, it should be taught in all classrooms with non-fiction textbooks.

To those who do not know what Active Reading is, check out this link.

I hope this can help some high school teachers and curriculum creators to gain some wisdom into the eyes of what really needs to be taught in our high schools.



Are there any lessons you wish you learned in high school?