Can I call myself a non-conformist?

I used to call myself a non-conformist in high school, yet one of the largest things I claimed to not conform to was high school. I called high school out on all of its bullshit but I stayed and completed my diploma. I did not even want to go to university just because of credentialism and conforming to society's requirements of me. But I am at university.

So now I ask myself, am I even a non-conformist? I kind of dropped this description for myself a while ago.

I don't think it is necessary to declare oneself as practicing a certain philosophy like non-conformity, but I like to be sure of myself. I like to be able to find myself to be easily defined. I don't know. I am precise and weird like that.

So am I a non-conformist?

I am following all of society's conformities but I recognize that I am doing so. The difference between a university student attending university passively because they were told to go and myself is that I made the choice to attend an institution recognized in society as a credible way to get an education.

I do think that most people that are able to recognize the words conformity and non-conformity automatically drift towards non-conformity just because it seems like the more creative... that's not the word I'm looking for... it seems like the more liberal way to go. Not even liberal. It just seems like the choice one should make, I suppose.

Conformity does have its place. Chaos can occur in a non-conformist society but, I don't necessarily fear chaos, although, my character and background do suggest that I do like order. It is nice, but that is because I am in a structured society so I think it is expected.

I don't know. It's a hard call to diagnose myself as a non-conformist. I know that it is weird diction to call this a "diagnosis" but it feels like that is all I am really doing anymore. Trying to find what is wrong with me and what is right. I am just trying to figure out myself, still. I always am.

Whether or not I am a non-conformist is actually pretty irrelevant considering the fact that I consider myself a skeptic. I think. Maybe I am not a skeptic? Any philosopher/skeptic will get that joke. I hope. Please? Come on! That was solid.

Okay now I am just being dorky.

In general I would lean towards saying I am a non-conformist over being a conformist, although I feel like I obviously do not exude the qualities of a non-conformist. I don't refuse to do everything in society but I am aware of conformities in society and have a tendency to avoid them. I think that being a non-conformist is horrible for myself since I am still choosing to live in society. I hate doing assignments and studying in university because I don't think I am learning what I personally want to learn from it. Sure, I am studying subjects I like but I am not studying exactly what I want and not learning what I want either because university is structured learning. What I learn is dictated to me, which I hate. Therefore, my grades have a tendency to suffer since I am not enjoying myself as much and it takes me longer to get around to doing things I don't want to do.

It is not overly crucial for me to analyze whether or not I am a non-conformist, I just thought it was an interesting thought I had and went with it in this blog post. As I said, I just really like figuring myself out. I feel super dorky writing this post because I feel like it was what I blogged about close to a year ago. Not that I was dorkier then (well I was), I just feel like I have moved past a few things in my life and so it feels weird writing this post. I don't know. Here's me, just analyzing and over-analyzing every little detail of what I am writing and my life.

The unique reason I was told not to major in Philosophy

Hi, my name is Sarah and I am majoring in Philosophy.

Now that the introductions are over because I don't care who you are, I can get to my blog post. That was sarcasm and I feel the need to point it out because I have enough trouble trying to convince people I am not rude.

I have been told by many different people not to major in philosophy. Most people when I tell them my major is philosophy say nothing but there is the odd person that comes out with some weird comment.

Before I get to the unique reason, here is a list of things people have said to me after I told them I was majoring in philosophy:

"So, do you like sciences or maths at all?"

"Haha, so you can find the meaning of life?"

"What's philosophy? Is that like psychology?"

"Why?"

"Who is your favourite philosopher?"

"What are you going to do with that?"

"You know what philosophers do, right?"

"Hahahhahaha"

"You can't do anything with a degree in philosophy"

Usually after I tell people that I am majoring in philosophy they tend to avoid eye contact like I'm some kind of gadfly that's going to fly into their eyes or something.

Anyways, on Tuesday I was talking to 2 psychiatrists (I will explain why I was talking to two psychiatrists in a separate blog post, soon) and I told them I was majoring in philosophy and then they said something along the lines of
"Maybe philosophy isn't the best major for you because your brain is more in the air and you need to stay grounded".

The whole time they were explaining this to me I was thinking about society and stuff I should've probably been telling them but they were pissing me off with that comment.

I was thinking "Yes, my ideas are different, they aren't normal, they aren't 'grounded' but they are realistic."

If I said that I thought my ideas were realistic to them, I think they would've died of laughter.

Why are my ideas realistic? Societally, they are not realistic. I don't think god exists and for some reason that seems preposterous to people. Yet realistically, god doesn't exist.

I don't think life has meaning, I am a nihilist and to society that seems weird. Yet realistically, life has no natural purpose. It has a societal purpose.

My ideas are raw, my beliefs aren't beliefs except when facts don't exist and my ideas are depressing. My ideas are depressing. It feels nice to say that.

But the thing is that since my ideas are depressing, suddenly that makes me not 'grounded' because having depressive thoughts isn't normal. That should be a question not a statement. Are depressive thoughts not normal?

Depressing thoughts are normal. I heard a statistic on the radio that said 1 in 5 people of people are diagnosed with depression or have depression at some point in their life. If 1/5 of people have depression it is not even that far fetched of a thing to have then, is it?

Anyways, I wasn't diagnosed with depression by these psychiatrists, but that's besides the point.

The point is that I am the most grounded person I know. I am more realistic than most people I know. Maybe my ideas aren't the "norm" but they are certainly more realistic than whatever the hell most people are thinking these days. So if being a non-conformist isn't being grounded than I can't wait to start floating the fuck around in my no-gravity zone. There's not much traffic up there, so I don't have to wait or worry about being late to work. I can just float the fuck out of that shit.

Oh goodness, I just realized I said "My ideas are raw" earlier. I am keeping it there for hilarity's sake, but don't you ever let me say that again.


If I told you I was majoring in philosophy, what would you say?
Do you have a weird major or major in philosophy like me, how do you respond to people's comments?

The struggle between reality and creativity

Lately I've been thinking about how my beliefs and thoughts are quite rational, logical and real. Quite often my beliefs correlate with either/or:

A) Doubt/Having no Clarity

B) Reality

I consider myself to be a creative person. I like writing, coming up with ideas, I love comedy and art. I would never consider myself to be realistic. Recently I noticed that I actually am realistic.

I'd say this time last yearish I wasn't realistic. By the end of August last year, I decided I didn't want a job, I didn't want to ever have to work or do anything. I soon justified that with wanting to go into politics or being a teacher, because those are actual jobs I'd want, but I just didn't want to do the pointless work towards them (school, elections, studying, etc).

I understand that to get to where you want to, you have to follow society. I can't be a complete non-conformist, nevertheless, I still think I am.

I have figured out that although life itself has no meaning, that society has given life meaning, in very VERY stupid ways. But yet, I adhere to some of these stupid ways because I like them. I keep being a non-conformist and a nihilist by only adhering to the things I like... which I like because I like them, not because society told me to like them.

Back to my point. I am an atheist because I like reality. I don't believe in myths, I like history, myths in history are interesting, I just think all of the theism in these myths are bologna. I consider most religious texts to be stories, fictional, possibly myths, containing bits of truth written from that point in time. Yet, I do not know there is a god, and so I believe that.

I guess it is not necessarily a struggle between reality and creativity. It's just that since creativity is generally associated with being more flexible and go with the flowy, while I am not that. I am realistic about many things.

I think they are sort of two different things. Creativity is fine as long as it is art or ideas. As soon as you put creativity into things like math and history, you run into trouble. You need reality to balance out the creativity. Reality and creativity need to collaborate. Sure, draw a picture of a dog with a horse head, but don't write a non-fiction book about it. Go ahead, write a history book, but don't get creative, history is done, history is known. That is called historical fiction.

I don't know. I just think being realistic can be also very depressing, which is why people like to be creative. I want to run for city counsellor at a young age, and it is highly unlikely that I will get the position. Many people will say "Don't think that way, because then you won't achieve anything!". I am being realistic. There is a chance, certainly there is. Anything is possible. Literally anything can happen. It is just unlikely. I don't think anything is impossible or certain. That's why I am a skeptic.

Skepticism is also associated with being more depressive and negative. But you know what? That is the reality. Question things. You must question things or else change doesn't happen. Some strong societal influences need to stop being positive and ignorant and need to get skeptical and question all good things and look for the good in bad things. That's the only time when being positive is okay. Looking for the upside in every bad thing, and the bad in the right.

This is why I am an (agnostic) atheist. I question everything. Well, not everything, just within realistic proportions. But I questioned the existence of god, rather than adhering to society's generalized belief there is a god, and I arrived at the answer that god probably doesn't exist, although since I am skeptic, I believe anything is possible, so I have to stick that little agnostic before atheist, even though I really want to be a complete atheist, I couldn't be a skeptic and an atheist, that just doesn't make sense.


Nice run-on sentence up there, eh?

I just realized how all of my beliefs sort of connect.
I am an agnostic atheist because I am a skeptic and I am a nihilist because I am a skeptic and non-conformist and I am a non-conformist because I am a skeptic and nihilist. Sort of. There are lots of reasons, it's just my beliefs instead of being scattered and unjustified are sorting themselves out without me even realizing it until now.

Weird.

I guess my point, since I have digressed so much in this single blog post, is reality and creativity should work together and support each other. Reality is important and creativity is important, and although they should "work together" they shouldn't be combined in the wrong context because that brings us to lies and things like the idea of god, which for this reason, society believes exists even though it doesn't.

#27 30 Day Writing Challenge- A Quote I try to Live By

I am obsessed with quotes.

Even though quotes are just excerpts of a bigger idea, list, speech, book, etc., reading a bunch of smaller quotes somewhat helps to understand the bigger picture of things.

My blog even has a Quotes Page! It has 3 sections, 1 is things I have written, another is general quotes and the last are quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

One of my favourite authors/writers is Ralph Waldo Emerson. He is absolutely amazing. If I believed in reincarnation, I would say I was probably him in a past life. A lot of our ideas and philosophies are really close. Not the same, but close.

Anyways, my favourite quote that I "try to live by" is:

 "Speak what you think now in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict everything you said today"

 This is from Emerson's essay "Self-Reliance" which is the best essay, ever written.

I plan to get it tattooed on my right forearm, once I am of legal age to get tattoos.

This quote means a lot to me. When I first read it, I feel absolutely in love with it.

I think it is important to feel confident in what you say, and you should also be fine with changing your mind. That's basically what this quote means to me, is that you should say whatever you want, and if you change your mind completely the next day, voice your opinion. It's okay to change your mind. It's okay to say what you want.

I have changed my mind about philosophies, a lot. Recently I have had less interest in anarchy. There was a time when I described myself as an anarchist. Now, not so much. I still think anarchy is really fascinating, but I've sort of stopped.

I feel like you could pull up so many different things I have said from the past, even from blog posts not too long ago, and I have changed my mind about something I have said.

A second quote that I also value a lot, I had the same reaction to. I just felt so good and when I read it, I fell absolutely in love with it, as well. It is by Mark Twain, who I also love.

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform"

This quote can also be known as "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect" which is a misquote, that was probably created to help define the word "reform". Essentially this quote means that if your idea is the same as everyone else, you should stop and think about why, and make sure you are not conforming to the majority, just because it is the majority.

I think it is fine to go along with the majority, as long as you know why and that is what you believe.

I considered getting this as a tattoo, but I am not 100% sure on it yet. I still love this quote, too. I represents my skeptical and non-conformist self. 

Anyways. I hope you found these quotes as inspiring as I do! 

Do you have any quotes you try to live by?

Am I a pessimist or non-conformist? Part 2

It's not absolutely peril that you read "Am I a pessimist or non-conformist?" to understand this post, but it is a continuation.

I was talking about how I am a fairly negative person, generally. I don't consider myself a pessimist, it's just I try to make sure that the negatives in the good things get pointed out.

Yesterday, in the class I tutor in, a student was trying to tell me something and finally she found the words and said something along the lines of "You are a really positive person like oh everything is good just look at it this way".

I was just like whaaaaaaa, because I consider myself a negative person. But I guess that is just what is in my head, and that otherwise I seem positive.

In the class I tutor in, I try to be positive to make up for all of their negativity ex: "I don't want to do this" "This is stupid" "I'm being bullied" "I'm going to fail", etc.

I guess maybe I am more positive to them.

But I hate seeming like Miss. Perfect, because they know I get fairly good grades and that I try fairly hard on most things in school, so I went on to tell them how I think I am negative. They just kind of looked at me, so then I just mocked the one girl's face and they laughed. I find myself actually trying to prove myself to be not Miss. Perfect to them, and I tell them a lot of stories about me that are the type of things I put in my blog and don't talk about face-to-face with people, like my dad's death, my restraining order against my dad, my crying fits and panic attacks. Yesterday I told them how I was upset one day and just walked out of class. But I also did this to console this other girl who was telling us a similar story, and I wanted to comfort her and let her know that she's not alone. I also told her something someone told me, is that if you are fuming and upset and angry, that you should just walk out of class, cry, scream, do whatever you need to, and not let it bunch up.

I think I am negative, but I seem like I am positive, but I am really negative and positive. Aren't we all?

This reminds me of something else. One time one of my teachers told me that I am "sensitive", because we were talking about horoscopes and Scorpios and water signs are usually seen as sensitive. But I just flat out said no I'm not, but then she said again that she thinks I am, but after arguing back and forth for a bit she was kind of like "Okay maybe you're not".

So that day I thought about it some more "Am I sensitive?" I don't think "sensitive" is the first word that comes to mind when I think of myself. But it can be thought of in a few different ways, sensitive like when somebody says something to me, I react, or sensitive like I am intuitive with others' feelings. I think she meant the second one. But either way, I thought about it and I could see myself as sensitive.

I kind of felt bad that I just turned down the fact that I was. It is just one of those memories that I think is probably going to stick around for a long time.

But the thing was and still is, is that I don't like being known as sensitive. I don't want to be known as the nice, sensitive, optimist. I hate that. I used to thrive on that stuff, but now i just hate it.

But  don't want to be negative, mean and insensitive. I guess I am both.

I don't want to say deep down I am sensitive and positive, and on the surface that I have a negative shell, because I feel like to certain people I just show what I want to. I'm not going to be outright mean to anyone unless I think I need to be. But I am not going to go out of my way to help people either.

I just do whatever I want.

I am cynical, critical and skeptical, which is why I like having this negativity about me, because I do think that society and things should be questioned, and it helps to have a negative mind for that.

Are you a negative or a positive person?

Am I a pessimist or non-conformist?

I tend to look at the negatives and things and specifically find the negative things in people, events, causes, etc.

I don't think it is a bad thing. My mind is extremely twisted compared to society, though.

I don't think being sad, depressed, angry, pessimistic, negative, etc., is actually "wrong" at all.

Maybe I am not a pessimist. I generally don't expect the worst in the world, I don't expect the good either. I try to look at things rationally. I do look for the bad in good things, though. But I don't expect bad things to happen. I also don't believe everyone is inherently evil, but I also don't believe everyone is inherently good. I think some people are and some people aren't "evil" or "bad". Although this gets me into the philosophical discussion of "What is good? and what is bad" which I am not getting into right now.

I don't totally think I am the definition of a pessimist. But I definitely am not an optimist. I'm just a negative person, I suppose. Negative, not pessimistic. Maybe my viewpoint is just different from everyone else's, well I know it is.

I used to be an extremist optimist around grade 7-9, especially in grade 8. I remember having like three different smiley face necklaces, which I would wear. On this one website whyville.net, I used to go on, my avatar was always wearing something that was a smiley or said "be happy" or something like that. I celebrated random weird holidays like "mint chocolate day" and used to skip around school like an annoying destinations student. (Destinations was a program for grade 7-8 students I was in).

I don't know when that exactly ended, but sometime when I first got into high school, probably.

The more I look at it, the more I see I am not really a pessimist. I am more of just a non-conformist, and since the conformist thing to do is to be happy and be an optimist, I just try to do the opposite of that. I'd really like to be able to understand the psychology of a non-conformist, better. I always strive to do the opposite of the majority.

For example, you know that really light colour green that is really popular right now (like this), well I used to absolutely love that colour like 1-2 years ago. Now it is overused, and I hate it with a passion.

Maybe I just try to bail on society and conformity. I'm not sure. But for whatever reason, I just hate the thought of being the same as everyone else, which is why I have essentially isolated myself, became quite the individualist and egoist. I just try to express the fact that I am a single person, there is only one of me. I have always thought this, even when I was what I call an "extremist optimist". I always said "be yourself!". I also remember thinking to stop saying "Be yourself" because everyone always says that, and to say something different. So I guess I was sort of a non-conformist back then, too.

I'm just negative. It's funny because I love being a negative person, and you think that I'd be super serious (which I usually am) but I am obsessed with comedy at the same time. I just need to balance out my cynical thoughts with weird brain-killing comedy shows and comics.

I'm glad I wrote this post, because it actually helped me figure out that I am not a pessimist. I went in writing this blog post, to try to convince my readers I am. But now I don't think so. Just a negative non-conformist. Carpe diem?