I have changed + A story from my past

Wow. My life is honestly so different.

It took... basically 3 whole months of hard work. The work is not over, but still.

If you don't know, I have been working on me, specifically my confidence for... a LONG time. I can't say from how long. But I know my first chance to really change that was peer tutoring in Grade 10.

But I also wanted to change things like my body and my general mental state.

Then a few other things happened in September and October. I just basically decided my life needs a "clean sweep".

I just needed to take out every bad influence, and put in only good into my body.

I just realized today how much I have changed. I mean, I know I am always changing, but it just hit me that in my life, now things are a lot different.

Here is what I think/know is different:

1) The amount I talk. In class. Semester 2 started. I just started talking from literally no where. I have no idea where the fuck it came from. It just happened. It may have been something one of my teachers told me... I should tell that teacher that that helped me. Hmm... maybe if I am talking to her. But one of my teachers told me I have "good ideas" and that I should voice them. I don't think that is what actually changed things. But now I just talk. I think I just don't care about what people think of my opinion. I mean, I say it to my friends and online everywhere, so why not say it to my teachers and classmates?

2) My body. Not so much my ACTUAL body, but the way I see my body myself. First of all, I do want to say I never say things like "I am fat". I don't remember if I ever have, but I know I don't now. In the past while I have sort of come to the terms that I am a pant size 5-8, and a bra size A. Its not really changing any time soon. I am not done puberty, so I could suddenly be a C bra and a 12 pant size. But you never know. I have just come to terms that I am REALLY pale and I have small boobs, a big ass (compared to my boobs) and I know what I like, I know what others don't like. Well... fuck others.
I still wear a bunch of makeup. Obviously. But I am getting better at not caring. At the gym, I workout with nothing on. I actually have like 4 of the worst pimples EVER right now too. But honestly, who cares? It pisses ME off when girls come in with a full face of makeup to the gym. I am just like... seriously? Biiiitchh...

3) How independent I am. I simply don't need to be around people all of the time to get done what I want to. I honestly cannot count the amount of times I go to the mall by myself. I go for walks all of the time by myself. I remember in like... grade 9 being with my friends, and we all had a question for a teacher, and we'd all stand there being like "whos asking...". Now I don't freaking need other people. Obviously, emotionally I do need people around me. But I don't need people for no reason, ie, needing them/using them. I have established myself as an individualist. And a big of an egoist. Maybe an ethical egoist. But I put myself first... in almost literally theoretical situation you give me. This may sound bad to some people, but I know some people who put EVERYONE before themself. Yeah, they are sad, depressed, having other life issues I am not saying. Guess what? I am fucking happy. So if I am happy, why should I fucking care otherwise? If everybody just cared for themself, we'd have less issues in the world.


I just think that its so amazing. A lot of people make huge goals to lose weight, or get a good average in school, which I sort of do, but I guess this was my biggest goal. Just to cleanse my life and make myself happier.

Overall, I achieved this by always keeping it on my mind and by not caring what others think. Just taking baby steps to put myself out there.

This is somewhat unrelated, but I just wanted to bring up something I just thought of.

Food. I know I have talked about it in older blog posts from my old blog. Talking about counting calories, watching what you eat, eating healthy, etc.
I remember talking to some people that were in my life about this.. less then a year ago, and I was like "I no longer count calories". They didn't believe me. Well, this is one of the reasons why these people are not in my life, because not only did they not believe me, they didn't believe in me.

I really don't. I don't. I just know what I am eating. I can't say that when I am grocery shopping, I don't look at the label.. of course I do! I buy things that are good.. generally (right now I am binging a lot on licourice) but honestly, I don't count calories. I still have the knowledge. Like I can easily estimate how many calories are in something, because I have so much knowledge on calories still. Like I can tell you that the average sandwich is probably anywhere between 200-700 calories depending on what is in it, what type of bread is used, sauce, meat, etc. I can tell you approximately how many calories are in the pasta you are eating, the salad you ordered or your lunch. Although I know how many calories I am eating, I am not actually counting all I eat. Like if I really wanted to, I could sit here for about 4 minutes trying to remember what I ate today, and I could tell you within 300 calories, how many calories I had today.

I am not saying don't count calories, just do it safely.

Another thing I can say is that I have never been anorexic or bulimic. At least diagnosed.. although anoerexia can be simply limiting your food intake... that story is later. Have I ever tried to make myself throw up? Yes. Have I ever succeeded? No. Why? My mind physically prevents my body from being able to+ I am scared.

Now. Anorexia. I know a lot of people in my life thought I was anorexic. I am not. I don't know what to tell you. I never have gone a day without eating nothing. There was once I was mad at someone so I threatened not to eat and then I couldn't eat until 2pm since waking up, but that was just me trying to get revenge stupidly.

I have limited my intake of food, and sometimes I will barely eat a lunch, but I do go home and eat a lot, (which I know is extremely bad for me).

There was only once you should've been worried about me, when NOBODY actually expected it or saw it. In GRADE 8. People starter worrying about me in maybe grade 9. Yeah, you should've watched me around grade 8 grad. THEN I may have been anorexic, although I was never diagnosed. I know I have told the story a bunch, but I don't remember how much I lied in the past. HERE IS THE REAL TRUTH BITCHES:

Once in grade 8 I stepped on a scale and saw "112lbs". I freaked out. I rarely weighed myself at that age, and I was used to seeing "102" on the scale. I had gained like 10 pounds out of no where. I basically freaked out, and started INTENSELY counting calories. I remember once looking in the food closet thing we have and being like... I will eat 100 calories for lunch today. I don't even want to eat that though..

I literally limited my calorie intake to 1200, based on what 1 website told me I needed to have to lose 5 pounds every week within 4 weeks (before grad). But then I found another website that told me 800 calories. YES. There was once.. maybe a week or so in which I ate 800 calories everyday. That is NOTHING if you don't know anything about calories. It is almost the bare minimum. I think you require 1200 a day to live somewhat healthily, and something like 500 a day to live...

I honestly didn't know what was happening then. I was SO THIN.

Now I am happy. That is my point.

Okay.

Well. This is awkward. I'm done blogging this post. Writing? I don't know. Okay. Be smiley :D

Life Advice: Eat.