Allow me to finally approach something I have not approached head-on, in my blog before.
There is something mentally wrong with me. Don't sugar coat this and call it a "disorder" or "mental health issue" because truly in the eyes of society, there is something mentally wrong with me.
How do I know this? One of the "counsellors" I talked to, I actually talked about how I feel that sometimes my philosophical ideas are confused with my mental "disorder", and talked about some of my ideas. Essentially she told me that it's normal to wonder, but I am crazy. She didn't word it like that to my face though. But her "Put her on meds" literal comment to my doctor is quite close.
I have no idea what I have. Well, slight ideas.
That same counsellor diagnosed me with anxiety, which I never saw myself really having before, until recently. I don't feel "anxious" or any of the emotions essentially associated with anxiety. None of the emotions. But I have like 90% of the physical symptoms of having anxiety/panic attacks, which if you look far enough back in my blogs, you will see I refer to them as "mental breakdowns".
But I was talking with my doctor and we agreed that even if I do or don't have anxiety, there is something else there. She wasn't 100% sure and didn't want to mis-diagnose me and put me on meds, so she referred me to a psychiatrist.
Yep, still don't have that appointment yet. I got a call saying there's a 2-3 month wait, and that I would receive an appointment sometime. Still don't know when.
In the meantime, and even before I talked to any doctor about anything, I am constantly googling all of the disorders. I have this insane need to know, and I think if anything, that is what is driving me the most nuts. I have been told to stop, but it's addicting! I look up symptoms, diagnostic techniques of the disorders, causes, and I will also find these quizzes/tests that will help to determine whether or not you should see a doctor about that disorder.
Let's just say that most of these test/quizzes I take, tell me that "Although this should not be used as a diagnosis, it is recommended that you see a doctor" blah blah blah.
If those tests were right, I would have the following:
- Histrionic Personality Disorder
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- Psychopathy
- Depression
- Bi-Polar Disorder
- Anxiety
- Schizophrenia
- Schizoaffective Disorder
- ADHD
What. The. Fuck.
I had an episode (which honestly rarely happens) a week ago, which led to me leaving class and then crying in the guidance office. I talked to the school counsellor which she really just calmed me down. Later that day I made an appointment to drop one of my classes, and I ended up talking a bit to that guidance counsellor (who knew exactly what happened to me earlier) which I honestly thought she might, because originally I was looking for her, and the counsellor told me that there was a meeting in an hour in guidance, and they talk about students, so I wouldn't be able to come into guidance later. So... yeah. Anyways, we talked about the fact that I don't know what I have, and how it's stressful. She's actually been driving me nuts for a while, so it was nice to talk to her and actually connect to her. She told me that she could see me with bi-polar disorder.
Honestly if I had to diagnose myself I think I almost definitely have:
- Anxiety
- Either histrionic or narcissistic personality disorder
I think I probably have:
- Bi-Polar Disorder
And I think it is possible, but I doubt that I have:
- Schizoaffective Disorder
It's weird because usually doctors can pinpoint if it is like a psychotic, mood, anxiety, personality, or whatever type of disorder. But for me, I was told I likely have an anxiety and/or mood disorder, but I may possibly have a psychotic or personality disorder.
So this will be great.
I probably just have munchausen disorder because I keep talking about this. Either that or histrionic or narcissistic disorder(s) could also be the cause of why I keep talking about this.
Oh, one last point. My mom doesn't believe there is anything wrong with me. She has been doing some googling herself--- googling things like what consuming too much protein or eating too many grapes can do to someone, because apparently I consume too much protein and eat too many grapes. ALSO, this has been going on since grade 10--- I didn't start having protein shakes until less than a year ago. She googled to find that having too much protein can cause depression. Considering the fact that I haven't had any protein shakes in 2-3 weeks, and I still feel the same way that I always have, my mom is in denial.
Ha. In Grade 10 I probably had an EATING disorder.
She won't believe me. She honestly thinks I am doing all of this for attention. WELL ISN'T THAT HISTRIONIC PERSONALITY DISORDER? Oh my goodness.
Yes mom, yes. This is a normal teenage phase. Wanting to literally kill everyone, and putting a laptop bag on your head, and being escorted to the hospital by police, is totally a teenage phase.
Having a mother who is a baby-boomer does not help anything- ever.
There is something mentally wrong with me. Don't sugar coat this and call it a "disorder" or "mental health issue" because truly in the eyes of society, there is something mentally wrong with me.
How do I know this? One of the "counsellors" I talked to, I actually talked about how I feel that sometimes my philosophical ideas are confused with my mental "disorder", and talked about some of my ideas. Essentially she told me that it's normal to wonder, but I am crazy. She didn't word it like that to my face though. But her "Put her on meds" literal comment to my doctor is quite close.
I have no idea what I have. Well, slight ideas.
That same counsellor diagnosed me with anxiety, which I never saw myself really having before, until recently. I don't feel "anxious" or any of the emotions essentially associated with anxiety. None of the emotions. But I have like 90% of the physical symptoms of having anxiety/panic attacks, which if you look far enough back in my blogs, you will see I refer to them as "mental breakdowns".
But I was talking with my doctor and we agreed that even if I do or don't have anxiety, there is something else there. She wasn't 100% sure and didn't want to mis-diagnose me and put me on meds, so she referred me to a psychiatrist.
Yep, still don't have that appointment yet. I got a call saying there's a 2-3 month wait, and that I would receive an appointment sometime. Still don't know when.
In the meantime, and even before I talked to any doctor about anything, I am constantly googling all of the disorders. I have this insane need to know, and I think if anything, that is what is driving me the most nuts. I have been told to stop, but it's addicting! I look up symptoms, diagnostic techniques of the disorders, causes, and I will also find these quizzes/tests that will help to determine whether or not you should see a doctor about that disorder.
Let's just say that most of these test/quizzes I take, tell me that "Although this should not be used as a diagnosis, it is recommended that you see a doctor" blah blah blah.
If those tests were right, I would have the following:
- Histrionic Personality Disorder
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- Psychopathy
- Depression
- Bi-Polar Disorder
- Anxiety
- Schizophrenia
- Schizoaffective Disorder
- ADHD
What. The. Fuck.
I had an episode (which honestly rarely happens) a week ago, which led to me leaving class and then crying in the guidance office. I talked to the school counsellor which she really just calmed me down. Later that day I made an appointment to drop one of my classes, and I ended up talking a bit to that guidance counsellor (who knew exactly what happened to me earlier) which I honestly thought she might, because originally I was looking for her, and the counsellor told me that there was a meeting in an hour in guidance, and they talk about students, so I wouldn't be able to come into guidance later. So... yeah. Anyways, we talked about the fact that I don't know what I have, and how it's stressful. She's actually been driving me nuts for a while, so it was nice to talk to her and actually connect to her. She told me that she could see me with bi-polar disorder.
Honestly if I had to diagnose myself I think I almost definitely have:
- Anxiety
- Either histrionic or narcissistic personality disorder
I think I probably have:
- Bi-Polar Disorder
And I think it is possible, but I doubt that I have:
- Schizoaffective Disorder
It's weird because usually doctors can pinpoint if it is like a psychotic, mood, anxiety, personality, or whatever type of disorder. But for me, I was told I likely have an anxiety and/or mood disorder, but I may possibly have a psychotic or personality disorder.
So this will be great.
I probably just have munchausen disorder because I keep talking about this. Either that or histrionic or narcissistic disorder(s) could also be the cause of why I keep talking about this.
Oh, one last point. My mom doesn't believe there is anything wrong with me. She has been doing some googling herself--- googling things like what consuming too much protein or eating too many grapes can do to someone, because apparently I consume too much protein and eat too many grapes. ALSO, this has been going on since grade 10--- I didn't start having protein shakes until less than a year ago. She googled to find that having too much protein can cause depression. Considering the fact that I haven't had any protein shakes in 2-3 weeks, and I still feel the same way that I always have, my mom is in denial.
Ha. In Grade 10 I probably had an EATING disorder.
She won't believe me. She honestly thinks I am doing all of this for attention. WELL ISN'T THAT HISTRIONIC PERSONALITY DISORDER? Oh my goodness.
Yes mom, yes. This is a normal teenage phase. Wanting to literally kill everyone, and putting a laptop bag on your head, and being escorted to the hospital by police, is totally a teenage phase.
Having a mother who is a baby-boomer does not help anything- ever.
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