Remember when I had no confidence? Yes. I do. I remember that. I guess it still depends on my situation, my confidence level.
Like if I am in debate I will like go full all the way out, almost embarrassingly.
If I am in a room full of people I don't know and I am asked to stand in front of them all for a demonstration, I might not enjoy that.
If I am in a classroom full of people I don't know and/or like, I am going to be quieter.
If I am in a classroom with people I don't mind and a teacher I like, I am going to be more confident.
I guess most of this is logical.
But I can't believe what I said on... Wednesday. I was in period 5, and I was in a group for a presentation (we had to act out the tale of Orpheus) I was the Narrator and Hades. Anyways, I had missed parts of Monday and Tuesday, so we had to wait until Weds to do the presentation. The teacher was trying to convince us to do it. I was just like "Okay!" and I stood up and was the first of my group standing at the front. Then one of my group members joined me. The other two REFUSED to join us. I was just like "Come on have some confidence" (more on this later). Anyways, so I just asked the teacher if she just wanted the two of us to tell the class about the myth, since we couldn't act it out without the other 2. So we told the story then sat down.
That is not like me.
Also when I said "come on have some confidence" I realized that would do nothing. I was like those two other group members before... although I don't think I would've refused... I would've dreaded it... but not refused to do it. But I get it. Its scary. Even though the entire class was saying "C'mon! We aren't even going to remember this in 5 years! Just do it! Its not that bad..." etc., it is still scary as fuck.
I have gone on this huge journey trying to figure out why the fuck I had no confidence. I was looking at aspects of my childhood and other experiences trying to figure out why...
In grade 10/11 (If you have heard this story before in my blog, I know I've told it before, please just tune out) I started reaching out to some people, for opportunities of confidence. It started with peer tutoring in grade 10 and that teacher that helped me break out of my shell. Then my Grade 11 family studies teacher, who also helped me.
But I think there were 2 things that REALLY helped me, other than people.
1: The gym. Do I talk to people there? No.
But was I ALWAYS SELF CONSCIOUS there for a while? Yes. I would only go in the women's section. Eventually I went downstairs to the first floor... because there was more cardio. Then I would run and hide back in women's.
A couple of months ago I started working out in the co-ed lifting/weights area. Its not even scary though. Now I am fine!
2: Running. Do you know how much freaking confidence it takes to run? It actually takes so much. Because you are showcasing your body in motion to the entire world. People honk at you, yell at you, whistle at you. To have the confidence to keep going after that, is amazing. Then when I competed in the half-marathon I was like... okay now a high amount of legitimate runners are going to be looking at me. Once cross country at school came around it was such a cinch to join.... no problem whatsoever.
I have just grown so much! I've changed so much! I will speak out in class. I will speak my opinions.
The other day in class we were asked some questions or told some statements we had to respond Strongly Agree, Agree, Disagree or strongly disagree. The one statement was "There are moral standards to sex" or something like that. Similar to that. It definitely was not phrased that way. But anyways. 14 people in the class voted strongly Agree, 9 voted agree, 0 voted disagree, 1 voted strongly disagree.
That was me. That 1. Yeah. That took some confidence. I was so close to jokingly shouting "Non-conformity!" when I raised my hand, but then chose against it.
I JUST WANT TO STAND IN FRONT OF THE CLASS AND PRESENT FOREVER NOW. K?
Like if I am in debate I will like go full all the way out, almost embarrassingly.
If I am in a room full of people I don't know and I am asked to stand in front of them all for a demonstration, I might not enjoy that.
If I am in a classroom full of people I don't know and/or like, I am going to be quieter.
If I am in a classroom with people I don't mind and a teacher I like, I am going to be more confident.
I guess most of this is logical.
But I can't believe what I said on... Wednesday. I was in period 5, and I was in a group for a presentation (we had to act out the tale of Orpheus) I was the Narrator and Hades. Anyways, I had missed parts of Monday and Tuesday, so we had to wait until Weds to do the presentation. The teacher was trying to convince us to do it. I was just like "Okay!" and I stood up and was the first of my group standing at the front. Then one of my group members joined me. The other two REFUSED to join us. I was just like "Come on have some confidence" (more on this later). Anyways, so I just asked the teacher if she just wanted the two of us to tell the class about the myth, since we couldn't act it out without the other 2. So we told the story then sat down.
That is not like me.
Also when I said "come on have some confidence" I realized that would do nothing. I was like those two other group members before... although I don't think I would've refused... I would've dreaded it... but not refused to do it. But I get it. Its scary. Even though the entire class was saying "C'mon! We aren't even going to remember this in 5 years! Just do it! Its not that bad..." etc., it is still scary as fuck.
I have gone on this huge journey trying to figure out why the fuck I had no confidence. I was looking at aspects of my childhood and other experiences trying to figure out why...
In grade 10/11 (If you have heard this story before in my blog, I know I've told it before, please just tune out) I started reaching out to some people, for opportunities of confidence. It started with peer tutoring in grade 10 and that teacher that helped me break out of my shell. Then my Grade 11 family studies teacher, who also helped me.
But I think there were 2 things that REALLY helped me, other than people.
1: The gym. Do I talk to people there? No.
But was I ALWAYS SELF CONSCIOUS there for a while? Yes. I would only go in the women's section. Eventually I went downstairs to the first floor... because there was more cardio. Then I would run and hide back in women's.
A couple of months ago I started working out in the co-ed lifting/weights area. Its not even scary though. Now I am fine!
2: Running. Do you know how much freaking confidence it takes to run? It actually takes so much. Because you are showcasing your body in motion to the entire world. People honk at you, yell at you, whistle at you. To have the confidence to keep going after that, is amazing. Then when I competed in the half-marathon I was like... okay now a high amount of legitimate runners are going to be looking at me. Once cross country at school came around it was such a cinch to join.... no problem whatsoever.
I have just grown so much! I've changed so much! I will speak out in class. I will speak my opinions.
The other day in class we were asked some questions or told some statements we had to respond Strongly Agree, Agree, Disagree or strongly disagree. The one statement was "There are moral standards to sex" or something like that. Similar to that. It definitely was not phrased that way. But anyways. 14 people in the class voted strongly Agree, 9 voted agree, 0 voted disagree, 1 voted strongly disagree.
That was me. That 1. Yeah. That took some confidence. I was so close to jokingly shouting "Non-conformity!" when I raised my hand, but then chose against it.
I JUST WANT TO STAND IN FRONT OF THE CLASS AND PRESENT FOREVER NOW. K?
No comments:
Post a Comment