Analyzing a quote of mine

I was glancing through my blog and I came across the sentence "Life is just depressing me, but in a good way" in my blog post "Even I don't know what I'm talking about here" in the first paragraph. I've decided to try to pick that sentence apart, because not only is it good practice for me, as I am an English minor but I am crazy. 

So, let's get started. 

Am I happy that life is depressing me? Do I like the drama of a depressing life? I think many people do. A lot of people on tumblr are obsessed with looking out of bay windows on rainy days with coffee and cats and are contempt with this utter sadness. This isn't depression, but I am just saying that depression has been somewhat romanticized by the over-dramatic.  What do I mean by this? I think that many young adults feel like depression is a good thing. Arguably, I may have been in this position at one time or another. Why is it a good thing? It gives you a different perspective on life. Since I am more of a realist than an optimist, depression seems pretty damned amazing to help me achieve my realistic point of view. Although depression and being a realist are not causal of each other or required for one another at all. 

So am I involved in this dramatic romanticization of depression? I don't think so. Now follow me. I don't think I am because I think I am. Here is my argument: people often say that you don't have to worry about being a psychopath if you yourself can ask yourself that question and think you might be, because a psychopath will never think they are a psychopath. It is sort of the same as saying that a hipster can only be a hipster if they say they are not a hipster. Weird? It's a very flawed argument, but I think to a degree I am able to romanticize depression and someone follow this doctrine, but then again, since I think I do, I probably am not.

So what do I mean by "Life is just depressing me, but in a good way". Maybe it has to do with working hard and getting payed off? School makes me sad, but going through this sadness can result in happiness. This could be it... but I don't think I would think like that except in cases like right now, because I am analyzing it.

What was the context? In my blog post I almost seem like I am 'giving up on life'. So maybe I am simply just enjoying this depressing aspect of life? 

I guess nobody knows. Hell, the blog post that I am quoting from is titled "Even I don't know what I'm talking about here", here being in reference to my blog. So I guess even I don't know. Maybe I was just trying to reflect upon the post title by concluding the first paragraph.

I never write proper paragraphs in my blogs. I always just begin a new line when I have a different point or when I pause my thinking. It's an informal blog, not an essay.

Anyways. I guess that's it for now. I am off to read a section of Martha C. Nussbaum's Other Times, Other Places: Homosexuality in Ancient Greece for my 3rd year Philosophy of Sex and Love class. 

I will post again someday. 

Technology in the Classroom is... frowned upon?

Not too long ago while I was in high school, my teachers taught me that technology and having laptops will be a huge thing within colleges and universities. I am only speaking on behalf of my experience at the university I attend, but this is not the case.

Some of my profs suggest "laptops are useless in the lecture hall unless you have a disability that requires you to use one." Professors prefer people to take pen & paper notes, which I also prefer.

It's no lie that laptops are distracting, to not only the person using it who is tempted to surf the web, but the person next to them gets distracted from the lecture as well, curious as to what the darting moving pages are on the screen. I can't directly quote which study this is, but professors of mine claim that there is a study that shows the people sitting around the person using the laptop are more distracted by the laptop than the person with the laptop.

Profs of mine hate cell phones as well, which is easily justified because they can be a nuisance if they go off. One of my professors even asks us to turn them off, and is very serious about it.

Technology has its place in the classroom, but I agree with my professors. It is distracting.

In my philosophy and english classes especially, tech is not as necessary.

The key tool I have learned is necessary in classes is complete and total attention. Some professors even ask for you not to take notes because they want you to be absorbed in the material and they upload their notes or power points later. This I agree with for the most part, other than the odd key point I want to jot down then and there to help me remember it.

The reason why I am pointing this out is because of the way people see technology as progressive, when some professors and I suggest many schools are against new technologies in the classroom. Of course, while writing papers or researching, they are very useful. But that is not what they are used for in lecture.

In lecture I bring a notepad and some pens and my iPad in case I need it/for break. I also bring my phone and I might check it once every half hour to see if my fiancé texted me. But in general I try to refrain from doing so. I rarely use my iPad during class. I usually use it before class to check my e-mails and then maybe play around with it during our break in our long lectures.

What do you think? Do you think laptops have a place in the classroom?

Arguably, I believe that they can, but most often are unnecessary. If a person works best with a laptop, then let them use it and maybe ask them to sit at the back or the sides as to distract as few as possible. Unless of course they have a disability or impairment, making them need to sit at the front with a laptop. As a student, the only problem I really have is when people are doing things on their laptop that are unnecessary, like going on facebook or playing a game. If you are doing that, you should be sitting at the back. I find that distracting.

The funniest thing about it all is that whenever a professor gives a talk on not going on facebook during lecture, I always see at least one person on their laptop on facebook.

I need to like school.

I need to start liking school.

I have this extreme hatred for the entire school system now. I am dreading going back to school. I love learning new things, it is honestly one of the biggest things that I love about myself. I just hate the system in which I have to learn things in, in order to qualify for a degree to say I know the things that I do.

I like the courses that I have picked out. I just want them to match up to the expectations I have for them.

I would drop out of school but I have no idea what else to do with my time. I'm sure there is something I could do, career wise, that would make me happier than teaching. Maybe not. I do really want to teach. But any other career I want are slightly more unrealistic. For example: being a comedian. I have no experience. I tried to create experience for myself by starting a comedy club at my university but nothing came of that.

I think I need to start liking school, though. I am depressed about it and my learning will be very disturbed even by being depressed. I want to be school oriented in order to get out of school on time.

How am I going to do this?

I have no clue. I am pretty much an alcoholic (I may write about this someday... probably not, it's kind of shady) and I told my fiancé I am brining a flask with me to class. This isn't a lie, I probably will. I did last year. Well, not bring a flask, but put something in my drink before I left. It's not good. I know I am an alcoholic. Whatever.

I need to not drink so much but it is also the easier route.

I think I will have more balance this year which will be great for focusing. I will have a lot on my plate, but I think it will balance me out better. Fuck. I hope I have time to see my fiancé at times other than sleeping. Between our school schedules, working, going to the gym & dance for me, and other social lives... ugh.

I have no clue. I have just started this train of thought in my head and I have no idea. I might figure it out eventually.

Even I don't know what I am talking about here.

I'm not up in arms about anything and frankly, it's odd. Usually I have some major idea or thought to scream about on my blog but for the past few months there has been nothing super inspiring for me. Life is just depressing me, but in a good way.

I'm just sick of school and I'm done writing exhaustive blog posts complaining about it (for now). I'm sick of working at retail jobs that I feel overqualified for and can't find a job that is equivalent to my abilities and will challenge me.

I know saying that you're "sick and tired" about something is just a phrase, but for me it's all too true. I'm tired of fighting idiots about political and social topics. Not done, just tired of it. I'm bored of it.

I'm half dreading school because I know there is going to be a lot of readings I simply don't want to do but should do. I am really bad at reading things I don't want to read because I just zone out and observe the words. I could read 20 pages before realizing I haven't absorbed any of it.

I'm seriously ready to just become a typical teenager and be completely wasted every moment that isn't working time or school time. If it was legal to drink during class I totally would. I've written assignments for school while drinking and gotten 100% on them.

I have my marathon soon and I seriously need to train for it. I was going to go for a run today but the weather decided to increase by a LOT out of the blue and I know that my 30k run would soon become 7k with the temperature out there. I am actually just getting super tired just sitting here thinking about it.

I might go to a nearby city that actually has things to do, tomorrow, with Nick. But I also don't want to spend money and he doesn't either. I'm stuck in a rut. Maybe school will bring something out of me. Inspiration to write, friends to visit... just anything.

I need an inspirational moment. I really do. My life is good right now, for the most part, other than money/school and work (but then again, those three things screw everyone over) but I just want something to be excited for. Well, I'm excited to get married. But something that is more inspirational or... I don't know... just something. Getting married is different.

Nick and I describe ourselves as "life partners" and although there is a need and occurrence of surprising each other and whatnot, we are not each others' only other thing in the world. I need something outside of the relationship to bring into the relationship to be excited about. Getting married is just the next step to solidify to everyone else that we are actually serious. Marriage is a big deal, but it's not the biggest deal. I swear that half of getting married is about everyone else around us. It makes me want to use all of the money we want to use for getting married to go on a really nice vacation. Because really, who cares if they get a half-decent meal and a weird little trinket to take home with them to celebrate us? We are probably going to have a nice wedding anyways, but it would be so easy to just be officiated in a public park (cost would be like $200, probably) and then take everyone close out to dinner somewhere. That would be so much cheaper than finding a venue. Seriously, some of the more inexpensive venues we are looking at are around $4,500 not including food or $12,000 including food. It is ridiculous. Our budget will probably be about $7,000 (maybe, who knows, maybe less maybe more) which is honestly ridiculous.

We could have a $1,500 wedding and then go somewhere nice. It is really our own relationship.

I have no idea where I am going with any of this. Oh yeah. The lack of being "up in arms" about everything. Oh well. Hopefully something dumb will happen soon to make me angry to write a blog post.

Also, I have a wedding blog now: bridetubey.blogspot.com

I am ENGAGED

The 27th of July, 2014.

I am a fiancée. My boyfriend, Nick proposed to me. Breathe.

We were playing a game where you ask yes or no questions and go back and forth. He said "Three more questions and then let's go to bed" and I agreed. He had the last question. We were sitting on the floor and he sat me down beside him on the sofa and began his speech. He ended his speech with the best question in that game's history. He kneeled on the floor in front of me, holding one of his own rings in his hand and asked me to marry him. I said yes.

He used one of his rings because he didn't have a ring for me yet and he didn't want to propose without a ring. So cute. I wear that ring on a necklace for now until my engagement ring is finished sizing and I can wear it. I should have it on the 14th. We picked it out together, the day after he proposed.

So, you may be asking yourself, "Why the fuck is Sarah getting married? She is 18!". I have never been a person for age stereotypes, but yes, I will be getting married when I am at the age of 20 (in the summer of 2016) and Nick will be 25.

I am getting married because I am willing to take a chance with the man I love. I want to marry him, he wants to marry me and therefore: we are going to get married. There is always a degree of fear in any relationship, whether boyfriend/girlfriend, or husband/wife. You never know when one of you will die, if you will split up/divorce, hate each other in the future, etc. But if you let that fear get in front of you, you won't be happy.

Anyways,

Allow me to answer the FAQs that I am assuming everyone has:

What did your parents think?
When I told my mom she replied, "I knew you would get engaged soon/I knew it".

What did his parents think?
They were happy I wasn't pregnant. They were supportive. They were a little shocked. His mom said "I can't believe how compatible you two are. I don't think I have ever seen a more compatible couple in my life"

Why not wait until you are older?
I personally want to get married before I am done my undergrad because I don't want to worry about it afterwords. Not that I couldn't wait, but I would rather not wait. I don't think there is an issue with me getting married to someone I love. Nevertheless, there is a stereotype of being foolish connected to marrying young, but I have also never been described as a foolish person.

Why are you waiting two years to get married?
Nick and I were talking about it and we decided that 2016 (the year between our 3rd and 4th years of school) was a good time. It gave us two years more living together before being married. Also, most venues we are looking at book 2 years in advance, so... we kind of have to wait if we want a nice venue.

How big is your wedding AKA how the fuck are you going to afford your wedding?
We are expecting around 40 people to be at the wedding. I am planning on saving some money from my inheritance from my dad and the two of us plan on saving money here and there from paycheques over the next two years. We want a nice and elegant wedding, but know we will have to sacrifice things. We also don't have a huge guest list. Yet.

So... what does the ring look like?

I am so happy to be marrying the man that I love. He makes me happy. Without him I would be in such a different place right now and I like where I am now. He gives me so much more than I could ever imagine. He is my best friend. We are compatible on every level of compatibility but have different hobbies so we have our own lives outside our relationship too. We can work through arguments. Every step we have taken in the relationship has felt so natural: falling in love, moving in together, adopting a pet, getting engaged. He is my life partner and I want him to always be my life partner. I am willing to take a chance on love with him. We balance each other out: things I know he doesn't, things I don't know, he does. We help each other out: he fixes my tech problems and I fix the holes in his clothes. We enjoy spending time together. We are willing to make sacrifices for each other. We picture a future together, support each other's ambitions and help each other out with achieving our goals. He helps me come out of my shell, make good life decisions and is there for me no matter what emotion I am expressing. I help him through any tough times, comfort him and make him feel better. We are in a lifelong relationship and it is currently making me happy so I am going to go with that emotion and try to keep it going forever. 

This Fall.

The year never feels like it begins on January 1st. Maybe once I am only working and not in school, but then again, I plan on becoming a teacher so September is still going to feel like the new year to me.

I think January 1st and the beginning of September are probably the 2 biggest times for creating goals. At least for me.

So what will this fall bring? 5 courses in my second year of University. I am really looking forward to the Philosophy of Sex and Love, which is a full year course. It is a 3rd year seminar course with only 12 students and I luckily hopped in early so I got into it. It might inspire me to 1) Actually want to complete my philosophy degree and 2) consider careers in sexology. I think my average will increase, even if I don't improve my studying techniques. Everyone I know gets higher grades come 2nd year just because. I think first year profs purposely mark hard. I don't know. Whatever. I need to let go of the idea that I may have a learning disorder. I have been tested. They said no. I think I just have too much insight into the system that it frustrates me.

I forget who was saying this to me. I think it was a coworker. But we were talking about the university system and how it caters to average students. Below average students suffer because of lack of support, or if they do seek out support, tutoring usually costs money so they end up paying more. Above average students aren't challenged so they fall off the bandwagon. I have learned that I am average in some things and slightly above average in other things. The only thing I have a genius IQ in is writing, specifically essay writing. I write really REALLY fast. I have unique ideas. I think that is just that. I make grammar mistakes all of the time. I'm sure PhD students are picking them out right now, but I rarely edit my blog posts because I simply choose not to. I quickly get my ideas out and then publish them.

Anyways.

What else does the fall bring?

My marathon. October 19th. 86 days from today. My goal was to run a marathon before October 28th (my 19th birthday this year). I was supposed to run the marathon in May but then I got mono and couldn't afford the trip anymore. So that was that. But I didn't give up. I am still training. My running has worsened but it is definitely still really good. I just know I can do better. I have a goal to run 400km before September 6th. So far I have run about 24, so I have some running to do. I am going for a run tonight.

ALSO. I am signing up for dance again. I did dance as a kid, and I did a semester of it in high school. I miss it so much. I talk about it all of the time. So I am doing it. As long as the schedule swings with my schedule. I am likely doing hip hop. I considered getting back into Jazz, but honestly, I don't feel like working on my spins. I might do jazz next year along with hip hop if I still have the time and money.

Lastly: my jobs. I have to lessen the hours at the places I work but I don't know what to tell them. One of the places I work doesn't give out set shifts so I can't ask them to do that. The other place might. If that place will give me like a Tuesday morning shift and like a Saturday shift (just as an example) every week, I'll be fine with that. I'll just tell the other place to schedule around it. If worst comes to worst, I know which one I will be quitting.

I think now that everything will be okay and I won't be busy. But I will be. Sadly. 

Pornography & Aggression

Okay. Let's just pause and think for just a moment.

A common thread of thought is that pornography causes aggression towards women, primarily.

Let's look at the facts: in many pornographic videos women are humiliated, dominated, put in bondage, fucked against their will and seem to enjoy it.

If women consent to these acts with understanding of the consequences of being filmed, identified and are aware of what acts will occur, I don't see any issue here with women's rights and whatnot. The only time this is a little iffy is when women enter pornography to be tricked into doing more than they bargained, which does occur according to a few documentaries I have watched. As long as the words of the women involved are respected and heard, there should be no problem. If halfway through a video the woman says "stop" this should also be respected. These are all no-brainers. But if what we do in the bedroom is private and nobody else gets a say, it being filmed shouldn't be an issue if the woman is consenting.

The second issue brought up with this violent pornography is whether or not it affects society. My opinion is that it does. But not in the way that is first recognized. It is not like people are tied to trees everywhere with people dressed up like cops fucking them. Not all porns actually happen like exactly what they are. That is the actual problem. Men and women get the idea that pornography is a reality. Especially if they begin watching porn before having sex. Men expect women to be thin with big boobs, removed labia, hairless everywhere, be willing to do anal, oral, be dominated, etc. Women expect men to be hung, fit, strong, dominating, etc.

That is the only problem that I see arising. But it is not coming from nowhere. The hair shaving for both men and women is a pain in the ass, and pretty much unnecessary. I read a statistic that only about 1/5 of young people are shaved. So it is not necessarily as common as seen in porn.

But the expected roles and acts for both men and women to commit, honestly, that's for couples to decide on. Sex between two people can be violent, can be passionate, I don't see pornography translating to a man's brain to think it is completely okay to tie up, choke and call a girl a "slut" on the first time. Unless that is what they both say they want on their first time having sex together, then why not.

I feel like pornography does normalize aggression in sex to those exposed to it. To people not exposed to aggressive sex, I think it is not normalized.

I think aggressive pornography is fine as long as:
A) Women involved are consenting in the porn
B) Men and/or women do not act aggressively without consent of the other partner
C) Aggressive sex is not expected of all women or men

The bottom line for couples or people having sex is that it needs to be consensual, no matter what act is happening, aggressive or not. Also, if there is a couple that is completely compatible but one partner wishes to be aggressive often during sex and the other doesn't: that is a recipe for disaster. A huge aspect of a relationship is to be sexually compatible. If someone isn't receiving the satisfaction they want or they are being pushed too far, they aren't going to trust or like the other person as much. There is no point being in a relationship like that.

Anyways. Those are my two cents... five cents. RIP penny, eh?