Marriage is changing, let weddings change too

The role of marriage is changing in society and I am embracing it. Marriage in the coldest sense is useful as two people can support each other emotionally, sexually, financially, physically and psychologically. This idea will probably prevail over time, which is good. Marriage in the oldest sense was those descriptions but under the terms of "creating a household" and maintaining it. So the traditional man working and woman cooking & cleaning is pretty much dead. Sure, women are more inclined to be stay at home moms still, but that is also on the premise that people in marriages have children.

The idea that having children sanctifies a relationship is dead. If you want to have children, go for it, but I don't need offspring to justify my relationship. My fiancé and I help each other in all of the ways married people do. There are big steps and big ways we are helping each other everyday. We do the type of stuff that would probably be a good idea to have a prenup for right now, despite the fact that we are not married. I suppose we are common law now? I think we are. I don't even know.

We were supposed to get married this year on September 3rd, but we are not now. I am beyond annoyed at the reason why, which I will get to soon. Before I explain why I am so upset, let me clarify a few things. I don't want a wedding. Sure, when I first got engaged I looked over my already-pinned pins on Pinterest and added more, as a matter or fact, I made a lot of different boards for my wedding. Then it went on to actually planning the wedding. I couldn't find the perfect place for the perfect price, I kept looking, I kept trying, and eventually I just didn't care anymore. I don't need a wedding. I don't need a big wedding dress (though I already have one). I don't want to have people watching us as we get married, that is so weird.

A wedding is not a performance, but everybody thinks that it is. It is a performance to all that each other's families have done for each other. Parents are thanked for raising the kids, friends and siblings are thanked for being there for them as they grew up, blah blah blah. So in a sense, weddings really do set up to seem like funerals for past lives too. Weddings were created to unify two families together. That is why I want a marriage and not a wedding. I don't want to unify anything. I have said this many years ago on my blog, but families are dead. Sure, they raise you and usually are "there for you" but you don't choose them. Yet, you never "break up" with your family members. Usually when there is an estranged family member, that's all they are. They are still a member of the family, they just did something that the rest of the family can't bare and are embarrassed to have the same last name and shared blood.

Hell, even friendships can have breakups more intense than families. I guess it's the sense that you once chose that friend and now you can un-choose them. Family you can't really do that to. I don't mind my family, they're okay. My mom is there for me and I love a few other family members but most of my family I have no idea what they are up to and I don't care. They don't ask about me, I don't ask about them, there is no need for a reunion.

So why the hell should these people be involved in the relationship that I chose all on my own with nobody's help? We weren't set up, our mothers have met once, our families are not close, why do we need to bring them together?

There is no reason for this bullshittery.

So the reason why I am mad? I planned a wedding. I had finally done it. I was excited, I was extremely pumped to get married and have a wedding with about 20 close family and friends, but the problem: his mother didn't feel included in the planning and she has no more holidays to take time off of work to go to the wedding. Fuck that shit. I planned a wedding, I am not planning another one. NOBODY NEEDS TO PLAN MY WEDDING. I don't even want a wedding! So I gave Nick an ultimatum, since he is the one who wants the wedding, not me. Either we get married on September 3rd like we both wanted, we elope (just the two of us) or he plans a wedding for us dated next year before the summer is over. He chose the latter.

The funny thing is that this September 3rd wedding was an elopement. It was barely a wedding. I was working with a company that specializes in elopements and small weddings.

This is just one of the differences between Nick and I. Although he is not a big "family man" he definitely values family more than I do. I value my mom for what she has done, but I don't "value family". Marriage is about two people. Unless your life is Everybody Loves Raymond, that is.

Anyways. If anyone can think of good ways I can convince Nick to elope with me, that'd be great. His reasoning that he doesn't want to is that "people have to be happy with our wedding for the rest of our lives and he doesn't want people resenting us". Well as true as that is, my wedding I just planned got cancelled, so let's hope I don't resent that either. I doubt that I will, but I guess we will just see what pans out.

Does anybody else share similar feelings about family to me?

Funny & Cheap Wedding Ideas!

Since I am a bride2be, I decided to take to twitter and share my ideas on how to have a cheap wedding. I decided to share this wisdom with my blog world and hope to become famous enough and publish an entire book on it (I am completely kidding). I just thought these would be some helpful tips!

I should write a wedding advice column on how to save money. "Hide the location so only smart people show up"
— Sarah E.F. (@SarahFloria) March 3, 2015

Provide a small DIY Kraft Dinner kit that acts as both the reception meal & the favour.
— Sarah E.F. (@SarahFloria) March 3, 2015

All groomsmen share one tux and bridesmaids a dress and make special appearances one at a time throughout the day
— Sarah E.F. (@SarahFloria) March 3, 2015

DIY makeup: Do the blindfolded makeup challenge the night before with your bridesmaids and wear it to bed that night & the next day
— Sarah E.F. (@SarahFloria) March 3, 2015

Dine & dash with paying the marriage license fee?
— Sarah E.F. (@SarahFloria) March 3, 2015

Steal flowers from a local park the night before and use the next day for bouquets
— Sarah E.F. (@SarahFloria) March 3, 2015

Submit all bridesmaids & groomsmen for the radio station birthday cake and then put a cake topper of a bride and groom on it
— Sarah E.F. (@SarahFloria) March 3, 2015

Instead of a photographer get married in front of a security camera and break into the security room that night and steal the footage
— Sarah E.F. (@SarahFloria) March 3, 2015

Re-use your prom dress for your wedding
— Sarah E.F. (@SarahFloria) March 3, 2015

If these wedding ideas are too cheap for you I suggest you marry rich unless you're not classy enough than marry a criminal.
— Sarah E.F. (@SarahFloria) March 3, 2015

Let me know in the comments if you use any of these tips or if you would like to book a wedding with me as your wedding planning consultant, good luck because I have still got my own wedding to plan.

Why get married?

In my philosophy of sex and love class we had a discussion about why people get married (specifically should homosexual marriage be legal, the consensus was yes) but of course, the conversation got off track.

As the only person engaged in the class (there were married people but the professor for one reason or another didn't want them to engage in this discussion...), she tended to pick on me to justify it.

I first answered why I wanted to get married based on two things: the first is what everyone expected: "I love him, I see a good future together, I want to have a life partner" yada yada yoo. My second reasoning was half expected, I answered because of politics, essentially. It's easier for tax purposes to be married. The main thing I argued was the fact that I found out once my fiance and I get married, that we will both get $2000 more each/year of educational loan funding from our province's program.

Marriage is encouraged. I am not saying get married because quite often people get married without knowing why. I am just saying that politically it makes sense because that is how we are trained to think.

But I know for a sure fact that a marriage license won't change our relationship too much. At one point I used to see it almost as an insurance policy, that we will not leave each other. It will be harder, since divorces are hard to go through rather than just splitting ways, but I still think that a marriage license is that last little thing there that makes you try a little harder to make it work. Notice how I said not to force it to work.

Anyways. Our professor asked the class "Who here is going to get married someday/ wants to?" Almost all of the men actually raised their hands, except 1.5 guys. Only about 1/3 of the female population of the class raised their hands.

What did I expect in a mostly gender studies major class?

Marriage is not death, but it is also not a really necessary thing to achieve in life. My fiance and I are basically married already, to a degree. We live together and share everything and love each other just as much as we would if we were married.

The second question my professor shot at me, specifically this time, was why I was going to change my last name (only about 3/40 students raised their hand saying they would change their last name). Since she knew I was engaged, she asked why. I again, argued something political. I also argued I am not connected to my dad's name. My last name right now is my dad's name. I don't feel like it's mine. Even though my mom has the same last name, I don't feel like it is mine. A lot of people probably do, but I don't. Honestly, if I could have my last name be anything, I would have my fiance and I both change our last names to something new, but I have no idea what and that is not necessarily an idea I see myself following through on. My fiance said he would hyphenate his name with mine, but I would much rather save us both the extra characteristics by just having once last name, his. It's traditional, but fuck, when am I ever traditional? Let me have this one thing!

I feel like everyone in the class thinks I am the stuffiest person ever for getting married so young, and the people who don't think I am think I am too young to be getting married.

But the thing with marriage is even though my fiance and I see each other being together for the rest of our lives, we recognized that people change and maybe someday we would fall apart. You never know what will happen. But what we do know for sure is that we want to be together and we want to try. My point is that if our relationship lasts 5 years, 2 minutes or 50 years, it will be an experience.

I hate when people see a marriage or any event as a waste of time. No, it was a memory and a learning experience. So your 15 year long marriage fell apart? But the first 12 years were amazing? Just because the last 3 sucked does not mean that the last 12 should be discredited.

That is a huge part of your life!

It's hard, I get it. If my fiance dumped me point blank right now, I would fucking hate him for it. I would be so mad, confused and upset. But I wouldn't think the last few years of our lives were useless.

Whatever.

What do you think of marriage?

I think if marriage was no longer a thing, politically, and all marriage certificates were just discredited and marriage became illegal, that that would be fine. A relationship is a relationship. Sue me for going through the motions and wanting that license. 

I got my wedding dress & I am beginning to hate weddings

Firstly, I apologize because I typically do not post girly things like this. If you are a regular reader, this is a different type of post. Although you might want to stick around for the end of the post because I get into a ranty mood about the wedding industry. Enjoy!

I went dress shopping for the first time last Sunday and I was determined to get my wedding dress then and there because I didn't want to keep looking at other shops forever. My actual wedding isn't going to be for about a year and a half or so but I went dress shopping early. Why? This is why: http://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2014/11/11/liquidator_hopes_for_a_bridal_wave_with_wedding_gown_clearance_sale.html

I don't live in Toronto, but I am about a 4 hour drive away. $52 of gas was totally worth getting my wedding dress for $199+tax. I won't be posting a photo of it because I do not want most guests and my fiance to see what it looks like. Well, actually, I do. I really do want my fiance to know what it looks like, but apparently you're not supposed to. Which is dumb.

I tried on approximately 18 wedding dresses. I had a specific dress in mind, lace sleeves, tight and long, no train, maybe backless, maybe a corset dress. Well, I didn't find that. But I did find one that I like. It had a train. I HATE dresses with trains. I don't know if I am going to get it altered to not have a train yet. It isn't super poofy but it does stick out, I might get a layer of the poofiness removed as well and just hope that the main layer of fabric sits the same.

Anyways, how did I select that dress from all of the others? Whenever I tried on a dress I would walk out and look into a mirror. Frequently I would look at the dress in the mirror and think "that's a really nice dress" but then I would look up at my face and my entire body and hate it. Weird, huh? The way that my face looked in the dress determined the dress that I got. Many dresses looked good on my body and many of them were beautiful but until I looked at my self as a whole in the dress and I liked what I saw, I didn't choose a dress.

Although I do regret getting the dress that I got. It is kind of a vintage-modern type of dress and it is very gorgeous and too extravagant. I regret getting it because it is too extravagant. I am most likely going to be planning a small wedding and it not be very low key. I was very inclined to buy a second dress I tried on which was lace t-shirt style on top with a belt at the waist and then dropped down with no train and was chiffon. It was only $199 and I should've done that. But I didn't.

My wedding is not going to match my dress. The dress I got looks way better on me than the low-key dress, so I will rock it. But I do regret this.

But I honestly don't care anymore. I'm starting to get fed-up with planning a wedding. It is annoying. I don't want anyone else to plan it because I don't want to be unhappy with it. But things are already starting to happen that I don't want to happen. My mom insisted on buying me a veil (she also paid for my dress) and I do not want a veil. Yes, I agree the veil looks nice with the dress and pulls it all together but I also hate the idea of a veil.

I really am starting to hate the whole industry. I want to sell my engagement ring (even though it wasn't very expensive) and buy a slim band for my engagement and a slightly thicker one for the wedding.

I want to sell the dress and get a more low-key dress.

But I won't be doing these things because of all of the pressure I am feeling from everyone around me. Heck, even the groom doesn't want to elope!

But he is right. I might regret not having a nice wedding. But at the moment it's too much. I could delay the wedding to be years and years from now but I want to be married soon and it is kind of backwards to get a marriage certificate with no wedding and then having a wedding years later.

It's all dumb.

But anyways. My dress is cute so whatever, right?  

I am ENGAGED

The 27th of July, 2014.

I am a fiancée. My boyfriend, Nick proposed to me. Breathe.

We were playing a game where you ask yes or no questions and go back and forth. He said "Three more questions and then let's go to bed" and I agreed. He had the last question. We were sitting on the floor and he sat me down beside him on the sofa and began his speech. He ended his speech with the best question in that game's history. He kneeled on the floor in front of me, holding one of his own rings in his hand and asked me to marry him. I said yes.

He used one of his rings because he didn't have a ring for me yet and he didn't want to propose without a ring. So cute. I wear that ring on a necklace for now until my engagement ring is finished sizing and I can wear it. I should have it on the 14th. We picked it out together, the day after he proposed.

So, you may be asking yourself, "Why the fuck is Sarah getting married? She is 18!". I have never been a person for age stereotypes, but yes, I will be getting married when I am at the age of 20 (in the summer of 2016) and Nick will be 25.

I am getting married because I am willing to take a chance with the man I love. I want to marry him, he wants to marry me and therefore: we are going to get married. There is always a degree of fear in any relationship, whether boyfriend/girlfriend, or husband/wife. You never know when one of you will die, if you will split up/divorce, hate each other in the future, etc. But if you let that fear get in front of you, you won't be happy.

Anyways,

Allow me to answer the FAQs that I am assuming everyone has:

What did your parents think?
When I told my mom she replied, "I knew you would get engaged soon/I knew it".

What did his parents think?
They were happy I wasn't pregnant. They were supportive. They were a little shocked. His mom said "I can't believe how compatible you two are. I don't think I have ever seen a more compatible couple in my life"

Why not wait until you are older?
I personally want to get married before I am done my undergrad because I don't want to worry about it afterwords. Not that I couldn't wait, but I would rather not wait. I don't think there is an issue with me getting married to someone I love. Nevertheless, there is a stereotype of being foolish connected to marrying young, but I have also never been described as a foolish person.

Why are you waiting two years to get married?
Nick and I were talking about it and we decided that 2016 (the year between our 3rd and 4th years of school) was a good time. It gave us two years more living together before being married. Also, most venues we are looking at book 2 years in advance, so... we kind of have to wait if we want a nice venue.

How big is your wedding AKA how the fuck are you going to afford your wedding?
We are expecting around 40 people to be at the wedding. I am planning on saving some money from my inheritance from my dad and the two of us plan on saving money here and there from paycheques over the next two years. We want a nice and elegant wedding, but know we will have to sacrifice things. We also don't have a huge guest list. Yet.

So... what does the ring look like?

I am so happy to be marrying the man that I love. He makes me happy. Without him I would be in such a different place right now and I like where I am now. He gives me so much more than I could ever imagine. He is my best friend. We are compatible on every level of compatibility but have different hobbies so we have our own lives outside our relationship too. We can work through arguments. Every step we have taken in the relationship has felt so natural: falling in love, moving in together, adopting a pet, getting engaged. He is my life partner and I want him to always be my life partner. I am willing to take a chance on love with him. We balance each other out: things I know he doesn't, things I don't know, he does. We help each other out: he fixes my tech problems and I fix the holes in his clothes. We enjoy spending time together. We are willing to make sacrifices for each other. We picture a future together, support each other's ambitions and help each other out with achieving our goals. He helps me come out of my shell, make good life decisions and is there for me no matter what emotion I am expressing. I help him through any tough times, comfort him and make him feel better. We are in a lifelong relationship and it is currently making me happy so I am going to go with that emotion and try to keep it going forever.