I've been fighting with anxiety quite a bit lately. Between panic attacks over social outings, avoiding social situations completely and being misunderstood by others around me, it has been quite tough.
Anxiety was much easier when I was younger and it was understood to be anti-social tendencies.
Anxiety was much easier when I was even younger and was understood to be shyness.
Anxiety was much easier when I recently understood it to be skepticism.
Problem. I have been thinking more about anxiety and what it really means and how I really experience it. Obviously it is not experienced the exact same by all, but I realized that anxiety is much like skepticism. I think the line that skepticism crosses over to be anxiety is fear.
Think about it, people with anxiety and/or skepticism question things, overanalyze things in order to uncover what will happen/what is true, think about all possible outcomes of a situation, and find it hard to just accept things. The difference is this fear or worry that people with anxiety get. People who use skepticism don't necessarily feel this.
I am a skeptic about most things, only because it is hard to be a skeptic about all things all of the time because to even begin to function in modern society you have to accept some most-certain truths just to get by. But when I experience anxiety, it is usually over unnecessary things to even be worried about. The thing is that I think I've always had anxiety, along with my dysthymia (depression), or at least I have had it for a while now. It's just as a kid they called it shyness, as a teenager they told me I was introverted and anti-social. It's just when I got to just this year, just about to hit my 20s that I finally realized and they finally realized that it was anxiety.
Anyways. I thought this might be interesting.
You can almost see quite literally my double-major in psychology and philosophy in this blog post. Oh god. Does this mean I am actually learning things in school? I didn't know that was possible.
I really want to try to make an effort to enjoy my education. I realize that the thing about a liberal arts education is that this is the only time I'll probably ever be able to just sit and have meaningful conversations as my full-time job. The reason I am in philosophy is not for my career, it's for the lessons and the actual schooling. I just have this deep lack of motivation to do much of anything of the sorts.
Hey, do any of my old readers remember when I used to describe my mental issues in full detail? I used to complain and reiterate my pains and problems, psychologically speaking. I still have many of the issues I used to describe. For those who don't know, here is the most brief version of my mental history:
My parents split up, I saw a psychologist who made me happy for a while (ages 10-12?) after my mom was concerned for my mental health. My dad died, I stopped seeing the psychologist, high school came and made me sad and I realized my intense anxieties and I kind of just learned to get over them by myself after multiple doctors proved to be of no help to me. After a mental episode in grade 12 I was sent to get psychological testing which was an appointment for 6 months after the episode and the psychologists claimed I was "perfect" and told me "not to pursue philosophy", I am pursuing philosophy. I got into university and was confused why my grades dropped and why I was sad and I went to the doctor and I got learning testing done to make sure I have no learning disabilities and I don't but I learned I am terrible at spacial reasoning and have genius-level writing skills, the psychologist suggested I have dysthymia and possibly bi-polar disorder or PTSD, and suggested to get more testing done which I didn't want to pursue due to the fact that last time I tried to get testing done by a psychologist they did nothing. The end. (I understand those sentences were pieces of shit, that's the point)
Anyways, to summarize my current status of mental problems: I definitely have dysthymia, there is no doubt about it. I was also diagnosed with it by the learning disability psychologist, so that is what I know for sure. It is what I like to describe as permanent part-time depression. I go through phases of depression, some worse than others. They often render me angry, sad, lazy and unable to function in school activities, let alone social activities. I also am likely to have anxiety, which I am currently considering seeking medication for but I also don't want to. I also may have PMDD which I also sought medical help to diagnose but I didn't finish the diagnostic process because I was too lazy. Whoops. PMDD is like PMS except it actually drives me to suicidal tendencies maybe once every year.
Right now I am decently okay. I am not sad, I am pretty happy, but I am not as happy as I could be and that makes me sad. These cycles drive me insane.
So what am I going to do? Probably ride out what I am feeling now until I go crazy and then maybe seek medical attention to go on some pills for depression or anxiety, which I'd hate to do, but I want my education to not go to waste. Counselling has never worked on me because I start using reasoning and logic with the recent college grads of next-to-meaningless College and defeat them in their attempts to aid me. I shouldn't do that, but I do.
Why am I telling the internet this? I'm not too sure. I was tempted to write a book for a while about my inability to receive medical attention for my psychological dysfunctions but I soon realized that it is mostly because I am holding my own self back, not because of any fault in the system. The psychological treatment system is pretty fucked up on it's own, but that is almost inherent and has next to nothing to do with my own specific situation.
My point? I am going to try to not let my dysthymia get ahold of me. The problem is I have lived with it for so long that it has become a bigger part of me than it should've. It's almost like a drug to me. I like the sadness and hate the sadness. I know it impairs me but it is so easy to just fall into the habit that I am being forced into. Though, it is incredibly hard to just say "no" to depression because depression is something that happens to you, it is not something you make happen to yourself. Though you could make yourself depressed, that is not my case.
Anyways. This post is pretty stupid right now. I am not quite to sure as to why I am posting it. I don't want feedback, please no comments.
When people don't understand something they tend to laugh at it. Let's change this about ASMR.
I have been embarrassed to admit my experiences of asmr and watching of asmr videos because of how low the community has been looked down upon on since it is misunderstood. I first experienced ASMR when I was quite young, from friends tracing images on my back and from page turning sounds at the library. I have been watching ASMR videos on youtube for 5 years now and I am very involved in the community, in the sense that I participate in discussion and all of the psych tests I can find that have to do with discovering exactly what asmr is and why it makes people feel the way it does.
So what is ASMR? What do we know about it? It is the tingles you get when you hear, see, experience, feel, etc., something. Kind of. That is the easiest explanation I have. ASMR is a tingly/relaxing response some people (not everyone can feel it) get from different triggers.
Other people's early-on experiences of asmr tend to be in childhood with the experience of tingles and an ultimate feeling of relaxation from hearing parents or teachers read childhood books, the sounds of cooking, from watching Mr. Rogers, Bob Ross, etc.
Quite often the asmr community is misunderstood because people don't understand the videos on youtube when they stumble upon them (some have over a million views, so it will land into people's sidebars and whatnot). People will see it and respond like "Why is this person whispering at me and stroking a book?", the simple answer is because some people find it relaxing.
Unfortunately, some people also experience the direct opposite of asmr, misophonia, which is an extreme feeling of rage to certain sounds. I have felt this hatred towards sounds of gum chewing, and tapping, which are also sound triggers of asmr. The odd thing is quite often people who experience asmr also experience misophonia, and sometimes even with the same triggers. For example, I can experience asmr tingles from the sounds of gum chewing, but the way some people chew gum it drives me nuts and I feel like yelling at them to stop. It's weird.
The other reason why people misunderstand asmr is because little research has been done in it as to why it occurs, why it helps people with anxiety, autism, and many other disorders and disabled individuals stay calm and relax. ASMR also helps people fall asleep, and just relax.
For those looking for some video examples, here is a few varieties of types of asmr videos, to see maybe what it is, and if you can get triggers yourself. But be calm: some people don't experience tingles AT ALL or right away. Some people feel it right away. Also be warned that asmr doesn't happen all of the time and almost everybody in the community agrees that if they watch too many asmr videos that the sensation weakens and goes away. The only known cure so far is to back away from watching the videos for a while (weeks, months for some) and go back to it later.
First of all, here is a playlist I have on my youtube account. This is not all of my favourite videos, just some of the videos that I go back to over time.
Here is the first ASMR video I ever discovered. As I said earlier, one of my first "triggers" was the sound of people turning pages. So I decided one day to youtube "page turning sounds" until I discovered the ASMR community. At first, I thought "this is weird... who would listen to sounds of people crinkling chip bags, whispering up close into the camera, tapping different materials, and opening and closing lids?" and then I tried one video. This was the first video I tried:
It is terrible quality, but I still listen to it time to time. Quite often videos are now much more well-produced, like this:
They use 3Dio microphones or just multiple smaller microphones to make it sound more like the sound is around you, inside your ears, etc. And by "They" we like to call the people who make asmr videos asmrtists. Sound artists. Whatever. It's corny but we like it.
There is an asmrtist that I listen to sometimes, Toni Bomboni. He is often criticized because he wears makeup and does role play asmr videos that people often find a little different. He was even featured on Tosh.0. (Which I love Tosh.0, but that is not my point). Tosh is actually probably one of the better and more sensitive outsiders to approach the asmr topic, I find often newscasters are more blunt and rude with their misunderstandings. Anyways, I'll let you experience Toni for yourself.
There are many other asmr videos that have creepy elements to them that some people often find tingle inducing (including myself) like WhispersUnicorn's ASMR kidnapping video, which actually gave me tingles galore the first few times I watched it. Also, Ephemeral Rift makes asmr videos as well that have creepy and/or, abstract methods of inducing asmr.
Here is a "sounds only" variety video:
Here is a "word trigger" video:
The last video I'll share with you is one from GentleWhispering, Maria. Maria is essentially the queen of asmr. She has some of the most subscribers in the community and one of the biggest fan groups. I love her videos.
So if there is a sound out there that you once enjoyed, whether it be storytelling, crinkling, tapping, wiping, ripping, scratching, mouth sounds, walking sounds, word triggers, roleplays such as various doctor roleplays, and 1000s more, there is a video out there on youtube. Just put on your headphones, (it works much better than playing from your speakers, TRUST ME) and search asmr _____ on youtube, and you will find it.
Last but not least, reddit has a huge community of asmr lovers as well. Often people who experience asmr can't experience it from people who are directly trying to trigger you, but from people just doing regular tasks that just so happen to induce asmr. Reddit has a page for that. Here it is.
Anyways, that is all for now. I just thought I would help people understand it. This is a pretty basic 101 that you will need for knowing about asmr. There is a lot more to the community: all of the psych research being done by students and professionals around the world, the debates on facebook and other online groups about asmr and it's relationship to sexual pleasure, or if there is one, and more. It's a very complex idea that needs to be explored. I'd just hate to see more people misunderstand it.
I was thinking about the concept of permanence earlier this week and came to the conclusion it does not exist. Here are my thoughts:
Permanence is a state of foreverness, it lasts for eternity. A tattoo, for example, is argued as permanent, but obviously is not as one's body will decompose and the tattoo will not follow in the same shape as before. Sure, the inks may spread out or something after death, but it will not be your tattoo that you got.
A relationship is another thing argued as permanent which annoys me to no end. Sure, I love my fiancé and I want to be with him "forever" but when I say "forever" I mean that I want to be with him for as long as possible. One of us could die, we could break up over something, who knows? I sure as hell don't.
Nothing can be argued as permanent. Life, we could die. All of us. We don't know.
I guess my ideas around the concept of permanence are much like my ideas about certainty. We can't be certain about anything, and we cannot think anything is impossible. Things can be extremely unlikely or extremely likely, but not certain or impossible. Those are lies we tell ourselves everyday in order to stay sane. We are "certain" the world will not end, we are "Certain" we will not die this day, we are "certain" that we will wake up to all of our members of our lives being alive and we are "certain" that we will drink coffee every morning. No. You cannot be. Obviously you will die someday, so will your family. Even concepts of even more permanence than individual lives, but life itself cannot be argued as certain. Sure, it is highly likely that the world and EVERYTHING will not end, but we cannot argue that it is impossible because there is no possible way of knowing.
I am an atheist, I believe to a high degree that there is no god, but again, I cannot be 100% certain even if the evidence points towards there being no god.
I don't know. They are similar ideas, I suppose.
Anyways, I thought of crushing some souls today with my whole "permanence is a lie" train of thought, which came from one small stupid insignificant thought: I was thinking of getting "Nick" (my fiancé's name) tattooed on my finger. Then I started thinking about how even if this tattoo is permanent and Nick and I aren't "together forever" that a tattoo is about as permanent as a relationship anyways.
Deep, eh? I hope. I am drunk right now. I haven't been drunk by myself in a while, it doesn't happen too often. I'm not even super drunk, as I am capable of typing right now.
I feel as if I am making several misplaced comma splices, , , , , , , ,.
That's enough I suppose.
What do you think about my ideas on permanence, and/or certainty?
I have started listening to new music lately. I was listening to Sirius XM on my car radio which my fiancé gets for free from work, and I was listening to a station called "Octane" because it is his favourite station. Before then, I usually passed off Nick's type of music calling it "unlistenable" because you can't even hear the lyrics in most metal songs.
After pretty much being forced to try it, I started liking it. But I didn't even tell Nick. I just started listening to more and more until I had downloaded about 500 new songs. The first three bands I downloaded were Halestorm, The Pretty Wreckless and Icon for Hire, which are still three of my favourites. Anyways, I just kept googling music "like" whatever I was listening to and eventually had a pretty big collection. After I told Nick what I was listening to (he was fucking impressed) he gave me his entire music collection (just over 50gb of music).
Shit I fucking love it. How the fuck have I not listened to rock and metal my whole life? There is not enough time in life to listen to what I want to listen to.
Anyways, Nick and I went to Toronto and saw Slipknot, Lamb of God, Bullet for my Valentine and Motionless in White. Which was pretty fucking good. But I just have a few analyses from the concert. It was different than anything I had ever been to (Jonas Brothers, Justin Bieber, Emily Osment)... no fucking shit it was different, but what I expected, did happen. There was beer everywhere, the whole amphitheatre lit up and smelled like pot. The mosh was fucking hilarious. It wasn't that big, but just every once in a while I would look down and watch a girl fall head first after a failed crowd surf, or see a guy get fucking punched in the face. Everyone stood the whole time at the concert too, even if you weren't dancing, 95% of the people were just standing to watch. I got into Slipknot quite a bit just fucking head banging.
It was such an interesting experience. I can't wait to go to more. I just loved the vibes of that show. Just a bunch of metal-heads who have thoughts probably just as dark as mine or at least just fucking love some good fuckery. 80% of the people were wearing black shirts, and 75% of those shirts were band tees, whether or not they were from the concert or even one of the bands that was performing. I feel as if metal heads who have been metal heads for decades that are reading this are just fucking palm facing right now to my newbness but I don't care. I just thought it was interesting, that's all.
Anyways, after the concert I was out until 6 in the morning with Nick, his friend and his lady. It was fucking sweet. Just drunk and high. It was glorious. For those wondering, I am not a pothead, but when I'm offered I'll take a hit or two, no questions asked.
My 10 favourite bands at the moment are (not in order):
- Halestorm
- Icon for Hire
- The Pretty Wreckless
- Static-X
- Five Finger Death Punch
- My Darkest Days
- In This Moment
- Fit for Rivals
- Art of Dying
- Skillet
Any other metal heads out there reading my blog laughing their guts out? Or pushing your fingers into your eyes? HAHAHA sorry. Had to.
I got my first tattoo, finally. I have been wanting a tattoo for years now and I finally found the courage to just fucking do it. I hate that it took me so long but I am happy that I have it now.
I feel super stupid blogging about a small tattoo I got, but I just want to talk about it and get it all out of my system.
Here is a picture:
Yep. It says fuck.
I've been wanting that tattoo for a little bit now but always said I would get it after I have gotten a few tattoos. It ended up being my first tattoo because it was the most sure I was of a tattoo out of all of the ones that I want. I also thought it was supposed to be a pretty painless spot, which I was wrong about, apparently. The tattoo artist that did it for me told me after I got it done that it is actually an area that tends to hurt pretty badly.
The pain I felt was only about a 3/10 for pain. It hurt, obviously, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I figured it would feel. Describing the way a tattoo is hard to explain just because it has its own unique feeling, but if I were to try it would go something like this: it feels like having a vibrating needle scraped across your skin except not as bad as you would think that having a needle scraped across your skin would feel. It actually felt a little numb as well.
I don't know. But now I am addicted to the idea of being super tattooed. I just got one little one and now I want all of the tattoos I can possible fit onto my body. I think my next tattoo is going to be on my left arm, kind of like a band below my shoulder muscle.
I suppose I should explain the meaning of "fuck". I kind of have a reason for getting this tattoo but in another even more real way, I don't. I just tell most people I got it because it is funny (true), but I also got it because I needed to do something stupid. My life is so boring, honestly. Also I curse a lot. Also, I did it because I don't care that it is tattooed onto my body in the sense that I believe that life has no purpose or meaning so that the tattoo is actually just pretty insignificant because once I'm dead my body will decompose and the tattoo will be gone. Plus I want to be 80 and just wear a bikini and scare all of the 20 year olds away with my fuck tattoo.
I've had it for a few days and I have mixed feelings about telling people about it. I posted it on instagram and I am obviously blogging about it now, but I didn't want a few people in my life to know about it just because I knew they would judge me. But then I posted it on instagram because I realized that nobody will actually care that much (and they don't).
I was catcalled 4 times today while on a 15 minute walk to the mall. One guy in a truck yelled "nice ass", the next honked at me, the third guy just gave me a thumbs up while driving by and the last guy winked at me while on his bike.
I like the attention, to a degree. I understand why some women would not want to be catcalled or hit on in public if they don't like the attention, but what gets me is when girls like the attention but act disgusted.
I was talking to my fiancé about this. I told him about the catcalling and said that although it was weird I felt extremely complimented. He agreed how that would make sense.
Earlier this week we were talking about a coworker of his that got over 100 likes on a photo in an hour. She was complaining about how it was all guys and how they were being perverts. She was the one who chose to post the photo on facebook. At least when I am being catcalled, I am not posting it online for someone to review what outfit I was wearing. I am not going to say she is asking for the attention by posting the photo, but by posting a photo, to a degree you are literally taking an image of yourself to show to others. So I don't see why she was angry. In fact, I think she was just bringing up her complaints to others in order to draw more attention to the photo.
I think that if you're hot you should probably just rock it. Although I understand when people don't want the attention. But if you are constantly posting selfies online, especially ones in which you are just in a bikini or something, you are going to get attention.
I am also just confused as to why the likes bothered her, too. The comments were all innocent, no guy was like "Nice ass!" or "Nice tits!" or anything of that nature. She was just upset at all of the likes. What? No. I'm sure if she was really angered about the likes she would've deleted the photo.
Anyways. This is kind of my current pet peeve. My coworker asked what my current pet peeve was the other day and it is when girls obviously are seeking attention and then complain about it.
When I post a photo or wear something revealing, I am probably happy to get attention: no lie. I am honest. Am I trying to get the attention? Not necessarily, but I am welcoming it. I am welcoming the likes I am welcoming the "Nice ass" comments.
Granted, to be safe (because you never know what words will hurt) you should probably refrain from catcalling. You never know, it could ruins someone's day. For me it made me happy, but it could offend some people. So if you see a beautiful ass in public, take a mental note of it and masturbate thinking about it later. It won't fucking hurt her, she will have no idea.
Anyways, that's it for now. What do you think about catcalling?
