I got my wedding dress & I am beginning to hate weddings

Firstly, I apologize because I typically do not post girly things like this. If you are a regular reader, this is a different type of post. Although you might want to stick around for the end of the post because I get into a ranty mood about the wedding industry. Enjoy!

I went dress shopping for the first time last Sunday and I was determined to get my wedding dress then and there because I didn't want to keep looking at other shops forever. My actual wedding isn't going to be for about a year and a half or so but I went dress shopping early. Why? This is why: http://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2014/11/11/liquidator_hopes_for_a_bridal_wave_with_wedding_gown_clearance_sale.html

I don't live in Toronto, but I am about a 4 hour drive away. $52 of gas was totally worth getting my wedding dress for $199+tax. I won't be posting a photo of it because I do not want most guests and my fiance to see what it looks like. Well, actually, I do. I really do want my fiance to know what it looks like, but apparently you're not supposed to. Which is dumb.

I tried on approximately 18 wedding dresses. I had a specific dress in mind, lace sleeves, tight and long, no train, maybe backless, maybe a corset dress. Well, I didn't find that. But I did find one that I like. It had a train. I HATE dresses with trains. I don't know if I am going to get it altered to not have a train yet. It isn't super poofy but it does stick out, I might get a layer of the poofiness removed as well and just hope that the main layer of fabric sits the same.

Anyways, how did I select that dress from all of the others? Whenever I tried on a dress I would walk out and look into a mirror. Frequently I would look at the dress in the mirror and think "that's a really nice dress" but then I would look up at my face and my entire body and hate it. Weird, huh? The way that my face looked in the dress determined the dress that I got. Many dresses looked good on my body and many of them were beautiful but until I looked at my self as a whole in the dress and I liked what I saw, I didn't choose a dress.

Although I do regret getting the dress that I got. It is kind of a vintage-modern type of dress and it is very gorgeous and too extravagant. I regret getting it because it is too extravagant. I am most likely going to be planning a small wedding and it not be very low key. I was very inclined to buy a second dress I tried on which was lace t-shirt style on top with a belt at the waist and then dropped down with no train and was chiffon. It was only $199 and I should've done that. But I didn't.

My wedding is not going to match my dress. The dress I got looks way better on me than the low-key dress, so I will rock it. But I do regret this.

But I honestly don't care anymore. I'm starting to get fed-up with planning a wedding. It is annoying. I don't want anyone else to plan it because I don't want to be unhappy with it. But things are already starting to happen that I don't want to happen. My mom insisted on buying me a veil (she also paid for my dress) and I do not want a veil. Yes, I agree the veil looks nice with the dress and pulls it all together but I also hate the idea of a veil.

I really am starting to hate the whole industry. I want to sell my engagement ring (even though it wasn't very expensive) and buy a slim band for my engagement and a slightly thicker one for the wedding.

I want to sell the dress and get a more low-key dress.

But I won't be doing these things because of all of the pressure I am feeling from everyone around me. Heck, even the groom doesn't want to elope!

But he is right. I might regret not having a nice wedding. But at the moment it's too much. I could delay the wedding to be years and years from now but I want to be married soon and it is kind of backwards to get a marriage certificate with no wedding and then having a wedding years later.

It's all dumb.

But anyways. My dress is cute so whatever, right?  

10 Christmas songs... for the ATHEIST!

As an avid christmas lover and an atheist, I decided to compile a list of christmas songs that I enjoy that do not contain anything religious in them. It just sucks that "Christ" is in "Christmas". Oh well.

HAPPY SATURNALIA EVERYONE!

Here are 10 Christmas Songs for the Atheist:

Michael Buble- White Christmas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btf3506ERbY
Children listen to hear sleighbells in the snow in this song... not stories told from the bible.

Bing Crosby- It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcZAwoip5aY
A good ole' song about consumerism. Nothing religious here.

Mariah Carey - All I want for Christmas is you
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXQViqx6GMY
"I don't want a lot for christmas, there is just one thing I need" lack of religious falsities, for me. 

Dean Martin - Let it Snow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN7LW0Y00kE
Let it snow on the churches so hard that they can't get in. Harsh? Maybe. 

Britney Spears - My Only Wish
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrvebqA8xdM
Although, if you replace the name "Santa" with "God" this just sounds like she is being whiny and bratty about wanting someone to love. But with Santa, it just sounds perfectly justified!

Celine Dion - So this is Christmas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51bO1CVPWRA
Let's hope it's a good one, without any Jesus references.

Train- Shake up Christmas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-8VCL4uSUc
I never heard this song until today. It's solid.

Ariana Grande - Last Christmas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYSWgsUQt1U
Give your heart to someone special, not god. Because there isn't one. Get it? It's a joke! There's no god! Hilarious, right?

Shakin' Stevens - Merry Christmas Everyone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeyHl1tQeaQ
This is how christmas should be. 

Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmas Time
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o8-eLZhrOA
One of my favourites. 


What are your favourite atheistmas songs?

Things that I want to do

I just turned 19 and for those who do not know, that is the legal drinking age in Ontario, Canada, where I live. So my life is basically awesome now and that is all that matters. I was going to write a long post about drinking but I wasn't feeling like it. I don't know how to describe alcohol yet, even though I've been drinking since I was 17. Let's just leave it at being "amazing and terrifying".

I decided to leave a list of "things I want to do" here. They aren't goals, they are just things that I want to do, whether they are realistic or not. I'm not going to put too much thought into it, I am just going to write without stopping.

- I want to take my mom on a cruise once I can afford it, most likely an Alaskan cruise
- I want to visit Europe every other year, at least once I have money
- I want to run a marathon in every province in Canada, and at least one in Florida, New York & Maybe even boston someday (P.S. I just completed my first marathon on October 19th, so go me!) Also in places in europe. Pretty much anywhere I can go.
- I want to be famous for something, whether it be an idea in the philosophy community, a book I wrote, a funny video I post... anything. Just for 5 minutes. Ideally I'd like to have a youtube video blow up and earn 1.5 million off of it.
- Lose about 10-15 pounds. I weight 135 right now, which is the most I've ever weighed. I ran my marathon at the lowest point of physical fitness I've had in a while, it's just I had the endurance to do it.
- Have a nice big house
- Have a daschund, basset hound, great dane, another lab, etc. Love dogs.
- Have a really short hairstyle once
- Go white-blonde before my hair goes grey... or once it goes grey just die it white blonde
- Meet a celebrity, Tina Fey or Stana Katic, preferably.
- Do something amazing for my future husband, Nick. I don't know what, but something that just causes him to fall backwards.
- Have a shitty enough wedding that it's cheap, but good enough so that people think that we spent too much on it for being students.
- Change the lives of my students
- Throw a lot of my salary as a teacher back into my students' education
- Have a closet full of corsets because I can
- Live on an island with nick for a year (with electricity) and what not but not be bugged by anything for a year. Pay to have food delivered once every few weeks, have nothing go wrong ever. No stresses. Essentially pay buttloads of money upfront to be catered to for a year, pay things like electricty, internet and whatnot in advance so we don't get bugged. Everything will just be perfect and there will be no stress
- Get my uterus removed, if not my tubes tied. By the time I'm married at 20 because I fucking hate the pill.
- Run a half marathon faster than 1:40, if I can do this, run it in under 1:30. Run a marathon in under 4:00 and if I do this, qualify for Boston.


I guess that's it for now. My brain ran out. I just typed that until I was done.

Life is pretty okay right now compared to usual. I know exams are coming up soon so my hair will start falling out more. Actually, that doesn't happen to me, which is good. But still, my philosophy in school (HAHA that's funny since I am a philosophy major) is essentially to learn how to succeed and not learn the material. I know what I need to focus on for how long and how to take a test and how to write an assignment and go to all of my classes. When it comes to my free time, I spend maybe 3-5 hours a week on school on average (other than class). When I have a test, I probably spend about 10+. Professors recommend you spend 3 hours additional to each class you take. Yeah. No. Maybe once third year comes and definitely in 4th year. School is so easily bullshitted it  is hilarious.

Anyways.

That's it for now.

My Sexuality

The past few days I have been tweeting quite a bit about being attracted to certain female celebrities. Specifically, Stana Katic, who is very sexy. I am very attracted to her.

I've never really publicly declared my sexuality before. I've been telling people I am straight/heterosexual my whole life, and that is why I still tell people. Although there probably should be an asterisk on it. 

I am sexually, emotionally and physically attracted to men more than I am sexually, emotionally and physically attracted to females. But I still have the ability to be sexually, emotionally and physically attracted to females. Physical attraction between men and females is pretty equal, for the most part, in my opinion.

Why am I even thinking about this? My (male) finacé and I were talking about whether or not we would stay with each other if one of us switched genders. He said no, I said yes. If for some reason he wanted to become a girl (he would make a hideous girl for the record) I would stay with him. My love and relationship status doesn't change because his sexual organs do. Although he argued that he wouldn't stay with me (most likely, at least). He said he would probably try but he would find it hard, even if we didn't have sex. He said we would probably just be really good friends. I was kind of offended by this, but I also get it, I guess.

I told myself all through high school that I wouldn't say no to a girl if she asked me out. I feel like I could be equally capable to love a woman as much as I could love a man. I think it's weird that others wouldn't or couldn't be able to. I think it doesn't matter what sexual organs 2 people have. 

But even though I argue that it's weird some people are just exclusive to a certain sex, I still have a preference to men. I think it's because I like the dynamic better. I guess. I'm not sure.

But I am definitely attracted to women. Anybody that has heard me talk about Tina Fey certainly knows. But Stana Katic is definitely my dream female celebrity right about now. It's not just celebrities I am talking about. It's just easy to point out attractive female celebrities.

But I guess it doesn't matter anyways that I might be bi-sexual or polysexual or whatever. I don't care to figure it out or to define myself. I am with a man and I am physically, emotionally and sexually attracted to him and that's all that really matters right now. 

(Stana if you are reading this I will leave my finacé for you)*

*kidding

Analyzing a quote of mine

I was glancing through my blog and I came across the sentence "Life is just depressing me, but in a good way" in my blog post "Even I don't know what I'm talking about here" in the first paragraph. I've decided to try to pick that sentence apart, because not only is it good practice for me, as I am an English minor but I am crazy. 

So, let's get started. 

Am I happy that life is depressing me? Do I like the drama of a depressing life? I think many people do. A lot of people on tumblr are obsessed with looking out of bay windows on rainy days with coffee and cats and are contempt with this utter sadness. This isn't depression, but I am just saying that depression has been somewhat romanticized by the over-dramatic.  What do I mean by this? I think that many young adults feel like depression is a good thing. Arguably, I may have been in this position at one time or another. Why is it a good thing? It gives you a different perspective on life. Since I am more of a realist than an optimist, depression seems pretty damned amazing to help me achieve my realistic point of view. Although depression and being a realist are not causal of each other or required for one another at all. 

So am I involved in this dramatic romanticization of depression? I don't think so. Now follow me. I don't think I am because I think I am. Here is my argument: people often say that you don't have to worry about being a psychopath if you yourself can ask yourself that question and think you might be, because a psychopath will never think they are a psychopath. It is sort of the same as saying that a hipster can only be a hipster if they say they are not a hipster. Weird? It's a very flawed argument, but I think to a degree I am able to romanticize depression and someone follow this doctrine, but then again, since I think I do, I probably am not.

So what do I mean by "Life is just depressing me, but in a good way". Maybe it has to do with working hard and getting payed off? School makes me sad, but going through this sadness can result in happiness. This could be it... but I don't think I would think like that except in cases like right now, because I am analyzing it.

What was the context? In my blog post I almost seem like I am 'giving up on life'. So maybe I am simply just enjoying this depressing aspect of life? 

I guess nobody knows. Hell, the blog post that I am quoting from is titled "Even I don't know what I'm talking about here", here being in reference to my blog. So I guess even I don't know. Maybe I was just trying to reflect upon the post title by concluding the first paragraph.

I never write proper paragraphs in my blogs. I always just begin a new line when I have a different point or when I pause my thinking. It's an informal blog, not an essay.

Anyways. I guess that's it for now. I am off to read a section of Martha C. Nussbaum's Other Times, Other Places: Homosexuality in Ancient Greece for my 3rd year Philosophy of Sex and Love class. 

I will post again someday. 

Technology in the Classroom is... frowned upon?

Not too long ago while I was in high school, my teachers taught me that technology and having laptops will be a huge thing within colleges and universities. I am only speaking on behalf of my experience at the university I attend, but this is not the case.

Some of my profs suggest "laptops are useless in the lecture hall unless you have a disability that requires you to use one." Professors prefer people to take pen & paper notes, which I also prefer.

It's no lie that laptops are distracting, to not only the person using it who is tempted to surf the web, but the person next to them gets distracted from the lecture as well, curious as to what the darting moving pages are on the screen. I can't directly quote which study this is, but professors of mine claim that there is a study that shows the people sitting around the person using the laptop are more distracted by the laptop than the person with the laptop.

Profs of mine hate cell phones as well, which is easily justified because they can be a nuisance if they go off. One of my professors even asks us to turn them off, and is very serious about it.

Technology has its place in the classroom, but I agree with my professors. It is distracting.

In my philosophy and english classes especially, tech is not as necessary.

The key tool I have learned is necessary in classes is complete and total attention. Some professors even ask for you not to take notes because they want you to be absorbed in the material and they upload their notes or power points later. This I agree with for the most part, other than the odd key point I want to jot down then and there to help me remember it.

The reason why I am pointing this out is because of the way people see technology as progressive, when some professors and I suggest many schools are against new technologies in the classroom. Of course, while writing papers or researching, they are very useful. But that is not what they are used for in lecture.

In lecture I bring a notepad and some pens and my iPad in case I need it/for break. I also bring my phone and I might check it once every half hour to see if my fiancé texted me. But in general I try to refrain from doing so. I rarely use my iPad during class. I usually use it before class to check my e-mails and then maybe play around with it during our break in our long lectures.

What do you think? Do you think laptops have a place in the classroom?

Arguably, I believe that they can, but most often are unnecessary. If a person works best with a laptop, then let them use it and maybe ask them to sit at the back or the sides as to distract as few as possible. Unless of course they have a disability or impairment, making them need to sit at the front with a laptop. As a student, the only problem I really have is when people are doing things on their laptop that are unnecessary, like going on facebook or playing a game. If you are doing that, you should be sitting at the back. I find that distracting.

The funniest thing about it all is that whenever a professor gives a talk on not going on facebook during lecture, I always see at least one person on their laptop on facebook.

I need to like school.

I need to start liking school.

I have this extreme hatred for the entire school system now. I am dreading going back to school. I love learning new things, it is honestly one of the biggest things that I love about myself. I just hate the system in which I have to learn things in, in order to qualify for a degree to say I know the things that I do.

I like the courses that I have picked out. I just want them to match up to the expectations I have for them.

I would drop out of school but I have no idea what else to do with my time. I'm sure there is something I could do, career wise, that would make me happier than teaching. Maybe not. I do really want to teach. But any other career I want are slightly more unrealistic. For example: being a comedian. I have no experience. I tried to create experience for myself by starting a comedy club at my university but nothing came of that.

I think I need to start liking school, though. I am depressed about it and my learning will be very disturbed even by being depressed. I want to be school oriented in order to get out of school on time.

How am I going to do this?

I have no clue. I am pretty much an alcoholic (I may write about this someday... probably not, it's kind of shady) and I told my fiancé I am brining a flask with me to class. This isn't a lie, I probably will. I did last year. Well, not bring a flask, but put something in my drink before I left. It's not good. I know I am an alcoholic. Whatever.

I need to not drink so much but it is also the easier route.

I think I will have more balance this year which will be great for focusing. I will have a lot on my plate, but I think it will balance me out better. Fuck. I hope I have time to see my fiancé at times other than sleeping. Between our school schedules, working, going to the gym & dance for me, and other social lives... ugh.

I have no clue. I have just started this train of thought in my head and I have no idea. I might figure it out eventually.