Self-Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson + Tattoos.

If you do not read the entire essay titled "Self-Reliance" written by Ralph Waldo Emerson, at least google quotes from it.

The majority of this essay explains my life. It is the most amazing essay ever. Piece of literature. Whatever.

I want to get so many quotes from it tattooed onto me. I'll just get a giant back tattoo of it, jk.

But here are some of my favourite quotes.

"Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind."

"These are the voices which we hear in solitude but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world"

"Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of everyone of its' members"

"Whoso would be a man, must be a nonconformist"

"No law can be sacred to me but that of my nature"

"Expect me not to show cause why I seek or why I exclude company"

"Do not tell me... of my obligation to put all poor men in good situations. Are they my poor? I tell thee thou foolish philanthropist that I grudge the dollar, the time, the cent I give to such men as I do not belong to me and to whom I don't belong"

"I do not wish to expiate, but to live."

"My life is for itself and not for a spectacle"

"The great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness in the independence of solitude"

"Their every truth is not quiet true"

"But why should you keep your head over your shoulder?"

"Speak what you think now in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict everything you said today"

"To be great is to be misunderstood"

This isn't even all of them.

But I am probably going to get a few quotes tattooed.

I was thinking of getting "Speak what you think now in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict everything you said today" on my left forearm.

My 2 other favourite quotes I might get tattooed on are: "Whoso would be a man, must be a nonconformist"

and

"To be great is to be misunderstood"

Which I might get tattooed on my leg or my back or my lower stomach somewhere.


Besides Emerson, there are other tattoos I want. I have spoken of this a lot, but I am reconsidering some of them.

I still want the map of the world, but instead of on my right forearm, I want to get it around my right ankle.

I want to get "La Douleur Exquise" either on the back of my neck, top of my spine, or somewhere in-between my fingers.

I still want a hummingbird on my left finger.

I want to get 2-4 (I haven't decided on how many) plain rings around the top of my forearm on my right arm, or just above my elbow. I haven't exactly decided on the placement. But like this. Except maybe a bit thicker. I don't know why I like this so much.


I want to get something floralesque/tribal a random pattern on my left side of my body from like under my arm on my side down to my hip bone. I haven't exactly decided what yet. Kind of like this. But different.


I have a pinterest board of ideas I like. But I am probably not getting any of the ones there. Some of the tribal and lace ones I might get something similar. But most of the pins, are just placements I like. http://pinterest.com/sarahfloria/amazeball-tattoos/

I can't wait to be 18.

The Ages of Sarah

I was reading about Hesiod's 5 Ages of man in history, and so I am going to come up with the ages of Sarah.

Early Ages: 0-4
During this time I remember next to nothing.

Just past toddler: 4-6
In kindergarten I was pretty quiet, to my knowledge. During this time teachers thought I was stupid, and that I was going to be a "remedial" student. My handwriting was criticized. I won 3rd place in an art contest for drawing some ice cream. My mom had a stroke.

A Kid: 7-9
During this time I expanded my social surroundings. I was seen as a smart kid. Although, when my teacher told me to read a fiction book to her, I would read the first few pages perfect, then I would start making up stories based on the picture and get bored of reading the book. I was placed in the high reading group, and encouraged to read non-fiction so I would stop making up stories. I was assumed to be remedial at money counting, and then as soon as they started tutoring me by myself, they realized that I was actually smart. At late age 8, they tested my spelling in a group of all of the smartest kids at school, and they told me that I have the spelling ability of a grade 9 student, and I was in grade 3. I was still in lyndhurst here.

Struggles: 9-12
This time I moved to Belleville because my parents divorced. I was assumed to be depressed/suicidal (though I was not), and had a psychologist during the majority of this time. I had a little bit of issues making friends during this time. I hated wearing jeans during this time. I was bullied throughout ages 11-12 along with one of my friends. Even though we aren't, we were called lesbians. I later learned that the girls who bullied us, mostly bullied us because we didn't include them in our fun games that we made up, and we also did this because we didn't like them, because they were mean.  I just went into destinations at the tail end of this age, and had no friends for a week. My father passed away a few months later, and counselling ended a few months after that.

Pre-Teen: Tail end of destinations- the end of 1st semester grade 10 (age 13-15)
During this time I was really trying to define myself. I made many of the friends that I still have today, during this time. I was in destinations and foundations here, and I considered myself smart. Inspired by my psychologist, I wanted to be a psychologist and became fascinated with psychology. I was extremely quiet during this time, and got more quiet as times continued. I got into MANY fights with my closest friends which brought me way the fuck down. I struggled a bit with minor eating disorders here, as well. I lost and gained 1 friend repeatedly during this time. During this time I watched a lot of shows meant for 12 year olds, like Hannah Montana and iCarly.

Gaining Confidence: 2nd Semester Grade 10-First Semester Grade 11: (15-16)
During this time, I developed myself. I had peer tutoring which allowed me to gain confidence. I was inspired by 3 amazing teachers during this time. Also during this time, I fell in love with 2 people, whom of which I never dated. I still loved psychology here, but started broadening my horizons and liking other things as well, like politics, history, sociology and education. I think during this time I started developing symptoms of a psychological disorder I am not naming.

Now: 2nd Semester Grade 11- Present (16-17)
I am placed with a lot of responsibility during this time. I feel extremely stressed a lot. I am inspired by another teacher, even more. I fall out of love. I have lost many of my friends, figuratively, by this time. I have made a few new friends, that didn't last long, or at least are not close, now. I discovered I no longer want to pursue psychology, and I learn that I love philosophy. I develop a lot of my "moral" erm,... "immoral" values more. I have analyzed and over analyzed EVERYTHING. I began having mental breakdowns all over the place, caused by stress, usually over school. I started liking the most normal person I have ever liked, and began a relationship with said person and then right when it was getting good, it ended. I then fell back on the person I used to love, and then tried talking to that person again, but I just hated it.

And that ladies in gentlemen, at the 7 ages of Sarah.

Exams are over!

How am I going to spend my exam break?

It is actually extremely hard for me to cope with knowing that not only do I have no school until Monday, but I am in between semesters so I have NO ASSIGNMENTS! I literally am not responsible for anything.

So what am I doing?

Well today I am planning on recording a lot of youtube videos. I am going to get together a lot of footage and then spend the week editing. I want to make at least 3 videos. I won't upload them all at once, but I will sort of spread them out over the next few weeks or so.
I'm going to the gym later too.

Tomorrow I have work 5-8, and other then that, I am going to the gym. I'll read or work on youtube videos.

Wednesday I'll go to the gym and do the same.

Thursday I have exam review day. I am really looking forward to this day. It will make or break me. I am hoping to get a 90 in 3 of my classes. I think it is highly likely for 2 of my classes. I am really excited for thursday, actually. AHHH. Then I am going to the gym and doing more of the same.

Friday I have a doctors appointment and I'll probably go shopping.

Saturday I have work 9-5.

Sunday I am just going to enjoy the last day of freedom.

If the snow goes away and my foot feels better, I will go for a run or two. But my foot got hurt again, and I have learned I cannot run on snow because it kills me. It's not even that it's slippery, it is that it packs onto the bottom of my shoes and hurts me. :(

Anyways. I might read a book. I have this one book I bought a few weeks ago I might start to read. It's about economics. Yay?

I am so happy.

Also, here are some photos on my computer that I love.

You may notice they're all of Tina Fey.

See, this is why my blog isn't popular. My blog posts are too inconsistently themed, I talk about myself too much, and talk about Tina Fey too much. 

Whatever.

Hating English.

Okay. Let me get this straight: My english class has a really hard english exam, while the other one get's a way easier one?

Oh, okay.

I am actually going to talk to my english teacher about this tomorrow... preferably before we write Part A of the exam (which is tomorrow). Part B is on Thursday.

I'm going to hit myself in the head.

If I am not mistaken, at the beginning of the year I wrote a blog saying how concerned I was about having my english teacher  this year. Let me look for it.  Okay I can't find it. But I am pretty sure somewhere I wrote about judging my english teacher and thinking that I would have difficulties with her. 

Which is funny, because I haven't had any interpersonal difficulties with her... yet.

But it is still so hilarious because we are two completely different people with two completely different philosophies and therefore she drives me up the freaking wall.

I know that I blogged earlier about her patronizing me as well. Which she does, well I think she does less now. I actually think she might be scared of me. It's just the way her body language has changed and her reaction when I talk to her.

I don't really have any real evidence for this, it is just the emotions I sense from her. 

I don't know. 

I am actually hoping to see her at the gym tonight so I can talk to her. Not that I'd want to talk to her at the gym... it's just I want to talk to her before I write my exam. Oh god.

She has actually driven me completely insane. I'm almost starting to hope that I peer tutor her class next semester because she always gives me pity marks and her class could actually use the help. 

Goodness. I am just going to go study for english now. 

Did I mention that NOBODY in my english class has a 90? the highest mark I believe is either an 88 or 89. I happen to hold an 86.9% in her class right now. Driving me nuts.

Updates.

Just a few things. Well actually a lot of things. But I am going to summarize them. I have an announcement, and a few more life realizations. 

1. This is my official announcement: I am writing a book. I have attempted to write several books before, usually fiction. But this time it is different. It is kind of like an over-exaggerated biography of myself. Sort-of. I am just in the beginning process. One time I wrote a book, but I never finished it. I wrote like 60ish pages too. I just hated it, and scrapped it. Another time I started and I probably got to 20 pages, and then I just stopped. I think I will finish this one. I am probably only around 10 pages. It will take me a while. But I want to finish it. If it seems good enough, I honestly might consider looking for publishing companies.

2. The first realization I made was that I am not smart. I am not intelligent, witty, quick witted, a genius, whatever word you want to use, I am not that. I guess I have always sort of cared about my grades, but I kind of created a delusion that I actually try hard. The truth is: I don't try hard, whatsoever. It is really rare that I try REALLY HARD on an assignment, or studying. I used to say to myself "I try my hardest, and that's all I can do". But I really don't. If I try my hardest, I go crazy.

I guess that has nothing to do with being smart. But I was thinking to myself "Why do people think I am smart?". I just come off as smart, I think. Like I seem smart to others. Like that quiet innocent smart kid. Which I am not really smart. I have unique and different ideas, but I am still not smart.

I guess when I think of "smart" I think of someone well rounded with intelligent thoughts on a variety of subjects. That is not me.

Someone smart, makes smart choices. That is still not me.

I don't know what I am, I am not unintelligent, I am not average, I am not intelligent. I am just me.

3. I am not sure how I want to go about stating this. But I have been thinking about the negative stigma associated with people that workout/athletes. Not just that, but people's attitudes towards a healthy lifestyle.

I actually do not get it, at all. It is the EASIEST THING. Okay, that is a lie. But I think that having a healthy lifestyle is important.

I do not mean, be skinny. I mean, go for a run, eat an apple, and go to the gym. Be happy. 

I guess it is none of my business why some people do not workout, or care about their bodies, but I just think that people should.

I think that some of the most determined individuals are those who have conquered obesity, naturally worked up to have a body-building figure, and individuals in general who maintain a healthy lifestyle.

I do not trust an individual who cannot at least try to do these things that are good for their body. 

As bad as this may sound: If there are two identical candidates running with similar things, and one has a healthy lifestyle, and the other is obese and isn't doing anything about it, I am going to pick the healthy lifestyle one, by a long shot. I understand some people simply cannot lose weight... but I know that there are average or above average people who maintain a healthy lifestyle and run and eat good foods. The way your body looks doesn't matter, it is what you do with your body and what you put inside your body.

I can't say that I am perfect. I eat unhealthy all of the time, but I know my limits. I'd say 70% of what I eat on a daily basis is healthy. I eat chocolate, I have sugar in my coffee, I eat too much peanut butter sometimes. But do you know what? I also workout a lot, to maintain my strength and cardiovascular endurance. 

I guess this brings me to my 2nd part of my athletic rant. The negative stigma towards bodybuilders and athletes.

Sometimes I will see things on facebook or wherever else that sort of puts average people on a pedestal, and says that bodybuilders are stupid. Excuse me? 

There is really no correlation with the intelligence of a bodybuilder/athlete/regular person/obese person, so I really am not going to argue much other than what I just did. 

But I will say this: People who are physically fit, and create body goals and achieve them are the most determined and hardest workers out there. If I am hiring a person for a job and I see "Bodybuilder" written under extracurricular, I am going to immediately know you are a hard worker and determined.

Sigh.

4. I am not a philanthropist. As a matter or fact: Philanthropists annoy the fuck out of me. I would've described myself as this from like grade 5-10. But now I am just like ew. I am sorry, but I do not want to participate in your good cause and volunteer for you or give you my money. Allow me to quote Ralph Waldo Emerson (literally my favourite human ever), from his essay "Self-Reliance" (which really is the best piece of literature EVER).

"do not tell me, as a good man did to-day, of my obligation to put all poor men in good situations. Are they my poor? I tell thee, thou foolish philanthropist, that I grudge the dollar, the dime, the cent, I give to such men as do not belong to me and to whom I do not belong. There is a class of persons to whom by all spiritual affinity I am bought and sold; for them I will go to prison, if need be; but your miscellaneous popular charities; the education at college of fools; the building of meeting-houses to the vain end to which many now stand; alms to sots; and the thousandfold Relief Societies; — though I confess with shame I sometimes succumb and give the dollar, it is a wicked dollar which by and by I shall have the manhood to withhold."

Ralphie just sums'er up for me, right there.

I should write a blog post about Emerson someday. He is the best person ever. Sort of. Yes. 

Questions

1. Three things I want to say to three different people.

- I respect you more than you will ever know

- I wish you were single, you are the most amazing person I have ever met

- You will never understand me,

2. One of my insecurities.

My memory.

3. What turns me on.

Watching movies with someone sexy.

4. One of my bad habits.

Not cleaning anything ever.

5. Who I wish I could be.

Nobody.

6. Where I want to be right now.

Somewhere warm, alone. Beach please.

7. The last thing I ate.

Banana

8. Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately.

Haha honestly, Ian Harding.

9. What song I’m currently listening to.

On the Floor- Jennifer Lopez

10. The last time I cried and why.

Today, TMI.

11. Something I’m excited about.

February 1st.

12. 5 things I like about myself and 5 things I dislike about myself.

Like: Ability to think, ability to understand others, ability to understand myself, my eyes, my muscles.

Dislike: My memory, my pessimism, my feet, my lack of confidence, my quietness

13. Three things I want right now.

A boyfriend, a hug, a kiss.

14. Are you wearing a necklace, who got it for you, where’s it from?

Yes, someone, a place.

15. How long was your last phone conversation?

Less than 20 seconds.

16. What are you looking forward to?

Didn't I answer this? Exams to be over, though.

17. Did you get anything off your chest today?

FUCK YEA.

18. How many rings do you usually wear?

0-5

19. Would you rather go to Canada or California on vacation?

California, I live in Canada mofo.

20. Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants or pajama pants?

PJ Pants.

21. Do you call it fall or autumn?

Both, but usually fall.

22. Are you an emotional person?

 Yes.

23. It’s 2 in the morning and you get a text message, who is it most likely from?

Someone.

24. Do you like long car rides?

Yes.

25. Do you have an adult you can talk to about anything?

Not "anything" but sort of.

26. Last time you saw your dad?

October 29th 2007

27. Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?

No

28. Do you do your own laundry?

Like 5% of the time.

29. Would you like the ability to read minds?

Yes please.

30. Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

No

31. You’re thinking about a certain person right now, aren’t you?

Yes.

32. What will you be doing in five years?

Fucking around. I don't even know.

34. Last 2 people to text you?

Lauren and someone else.

35. Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?

Nope.

36. Do you like to cuddle?

It's amazing.

37. When angry, do you get loud or quiet?

Depends who I am with. Usually loud.

38. Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed on the lips?

Yes

39. Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex?

Yes

40. How’s your hair right now?

Natural. Wavy, kind of wet from my shower, still. 

Diamond in the Rough

I have had a couple of conversations in the past few days that have sparked a few things in my mind.

I want to go to a small university. I know this. Why? Well cheaper tuition, smaller classes, more one-on-one conversations with your prof.

Many people want to go to larger universities because of impressive/smart/well known profs, good reputation, and more people.

Let me start by saying that I have nothing against large universities. I honestly can't say that one university is better than any other, they are all equal. But I just hate the way people look at me when I say I want to go to a smaller university. It doesn't mean I am stupid, it doesn't mean I am striving to be unsuccessful.

If someone says "I go to McGill" "I go to Queens" "I got to U of T" I really don't think that should be seen as any better than saying "I go to Lakehead" or "I go to Nipissing".

Honestly, I think I may be the smarter one. I am going to get out of university, having paid less than $8000 for tuition. Maybe even less than $6000.

Now heres the thing: Profs. I understand top ranking universities tend to have "better profs" but honestly, if some person out there is willing to dedicate them self to earning a PhD, they're going to know what they are talking about.

I feel like I may have blogged this before, but I am unsure if I published it:
I don't want to be someone well known for going to a certain "big name" university, I want to be the person who makes a certain "not as big name" university, well known.

I plan to do big things with my life. I think I am going to get somewhere with my thinking, I honestly do. I know that philosophy is a terrible subject to take for a career. Education is my true love anyways. But besides that, I know that my ideas are good. They are out there, I know, but some of my ideas are so out there, that people actually like them. I am not talking about the fact that I like anarchy, communism or atheism, I am talking about my ideas about what the government should be like, the way money should be treated in our society. I know full-well that people aren't going to suddenly agree with me to make communist (and they are rightly so, most people in Canada can't handle that...), but I think most people can agree with me that Canada's government isn't the most democratic.

I think I have a lot of problems. My biggest problem is my failure to have confidence in my ideas. I never realized that until someone pointed it out to me. I don't talk in class, I don't verbally share my opinion. But I have good ideas! It is just they are usually seen in my blog, in an essay, or in a story. This is because of my lack of confidence behind my ideas. I will step up. I will love my ideas. I do.

"You have good ideas" - said the worst/best person in my life.

Anyways, back to my point. It doesn't matter what university you go to--- it's the experience that counts. Learn. LEARN! GO TO UNIVERSITY TO LEARN! I am going to kill the next person that is going to university to get a job.

Well, I better go kill 99% of the population. Bye.

Oh. Just a quick story.

*My mom and I are getting out of the car, about to go inside the house*
Me: "MOM! I hate you! You don't understand that you can do LITERALLY ANYTHING WITH YOUR LIFE!"
Mom: "No."
Me: *Screams extremely loud to the neighbourhood* "I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD! See mom? I can. I can even moon that car about to go bye."
Mom: "No you can't, you'll get sued for sexual harassment or something."
Me: "I can do anything I want. The government is so stupid! Who decided that mooning is a bad thing?"
Mom: "Quiet down!'
*just opens the door about to go inside*
Me: *screams even louder than the god comment* "ANARCHY!!!!!!!!!"

This is why I am completely sane.