Morning Blog: I had a dream

I had a dream last night. It was amazing, also very weird.

It started off with my friend Gytha inviting me to go to a university fair in Toronto (this is weird because I know from Gytha's twitter that she went to the one in Toronto yesterday). Her mom, her and one of her sisters were going. It just so happened that the vehicle we were in, was my cross country coach's van.

Anyways, so we went to Toronto. I talked to someone from Trent. It was weird because at this convention the girl was just kind of like "We are only here to talk, not to give out free stuff" like pens and whatever. Gytha was kind of upset about this. After I talked to the person from Trent, we were forced to go to this presentation thing.

So we went to this presentation and it was just kind of an orientation about what university would be like. The lady giving the presentation then began to go over dress codes for attending university. I was getting so pissed at this lady, so I stood up and walked up to her, and half yelled at her/ half gave the audience my opinion about dress code.


Basically, I was claiming that there should be no dress code for university. People are people, they are going to wear what they wear, and others should not affect that. I told her how stupid it was that we were even talking about a dress code at a university orientation type of thing. She reacted kind of like "okay this is just some idiot teenager", but the audience agreed with me. So she just gave in and was like "Okay, okay." but then I got kicked out of the rest of the presentation.

So I left. She kicked out Gytha and her family as well, but we decided to split up.

Anyways, I am not sure if this next part of my dream was connected to this dream, or not, but either way...

I then dreamt that I finally got pregnant (I had apparently been trying in my dream), and I wanted to get pregnant. I dreamt that I was so happy that I was pregnant. I was back in Gytha's car at one point, but eventually left them. I remember wandering around Toronto (which looked more like Ottawa) and thinking about going in some stores to shop, but didn't.

I ended up finding my "baby daddy" somewhere, and we decided to go have the baby. We went to this hospital so I could give birth, and they were kind of judgey of us. Anyways, I wasn't really in intense labour or anything, but they laid me down in this one room at the end of the hall with only a curtain. He was in the room, but then left to go get something. The doctor had put me on some IV or something that was attached at the top of my left arm, where it connects to my torso.

I was alone in the room, and just decided to give birth without anyone knowing. So I did. It was easy. I had the baby, and then I realized I had to sneak out of the hospital with the baby, so I just hid it under my shirt to make it look like I was still pregnant. Where the IV was, left a giant scar, that looked kind of like the size of a fat caterpillar, but it looked like a burn mark that was bleeding. I didn't want to wait around to get it looked at, so I left.

So I managed to get out, and I abandoned the father. I had no idea what to name my baby, she was a girl. But anyways, my mom immediately showed up with her car, she wasn't angry or anything, but we didn't really talk. I sat in the backseat and the baby was in a carrier in the front seat (which is kind of weird). My baby quickly aged, and had hair suddenly, and she turned around to look at me. I realized she was the most beautiful baby ever. She had brown hair, slightly lighter than mine and blue/grey eyes. She had a weird nose, but it was still cute. On the way I decided to name her "Megha" which happens to be the name of the boat in the book I am currently reading for english...

At one point we were back at some house (not sure where) and I received some mail. It was an award in recognition of my confidence at the conference I stood up to that lady. I got some form of trophy. Later I got another award, that was a bunch of jewelry. Apparently it was for some play I was in (I have never been in a play in my entire life) and I was so happy, because I thought I was bad at that play.

Anyways, once we finally got back to my house, my baby turned into a grey kitten. It was cuddly and fun, and I wasn't even pissed off about it.


Lesson Learned: I still really want a baby.

September 29th, 2005.

We were at the dinner table, eating corn, steak and other foods. It was a great meal. My mom got up to start washing dishes, or get dessert. I don't remember. But either way, my mom and dad started fighting... about the vacuum cleaner.

We recently got a new upright vacuum cleaner. My mom hated it, and my dad suggested we get one, because his friend had one, and he liked it. Well, my parents started fighting over it.

I dont' remember when I left the room, and I don't remember what I did. But the fight did cool down... briefly.

I think I attempted to go to sleep, but I honestly do not remember.

I don't remember how fast the fight escalated.

But the pace throughout the whole evening was fast.

I came out of wherever I was (likely my room) and was standing near the rocking chair/CD player. I don't remember what my parents looked like, but my mom yelled at me to pack my stuff. I think my dad may have yelled something like "Don't" but was to preoccupied with fighting with my mom.

I went to my room. I didn't understand. I was used to the fighting. I probably thought it was normal.

In my room, I began packing. I wasn't sure what to pack/how to pack. What I would need, for how long. If it was permanent, or not. I don't remember how I packed or what I packed. But I do remember thinking a great deal about whether or not to bring my CD player and speakers.

I was just sort of confused. I didn't want to leave my room... I was scared. My mom told me not to come out of my room. I was just waiting for some confirmation that everything was okay. I didn't even try to listen in on the fight that was happening outside of my bedroom.

Eventually my mom barged into my room. She came into my room, she looked at what I had packed. She seemed unsettled with my choices. I think I asked her what I needed, but she just encouraged me to just grab what I absolutely needed, right away. My mom was debating whether or not to call the cops on her (new) cell phone. I think I convinced her to do so. So she dialed 911. Once she began talking, my dad heard some commotion in my room, and tried to break into my room. I remember my mom was leaning against the door yelling at him to not come in and to stop. I helped my mom hold up the door so he couldn't come in. He was pushing and yelling so goddam hard and loud. I pushed with all of my might to not let him in.

Eventually he gave up. My mom got off of the phone with the police. We just waited for them to show up, in my room. I remember wanting out of my room, to either go to the bathroom or to get something to pack, from another room.

When the police finally showed up, my dad yelled "Here they are!" in a somewhat sarcastic way. Anyways. I am not 100% on what happened next, but I think my dad tried to tell them nothing was going on, but obviously they could tell something was going on. I think one of the cops took my dad to talk to him, and my mom came out and talked to the other cop. The cops took my dad's initial statement, he admitted EVERYTHING he did.

Including threatening my mom to death, and putting his hands around her throat.

They arrested him, and took him away. The cop ensured my mom, she would be back to talk to her and get a more detailed form of her statement, very soon. Sure enough, once my dad was gone, I was just really concerned to my mom and double checked like a million times asking "Are you sure he's gone?".

Anyways. I think I likely just continued packing things. I don't know if my mom would've actually left, unless I actually started packing. I wasn't even sure at first if I was going to pack, or if we were really finally leaving.

Anyways. After a little bit of time went by, the situation became more interesting and (I don't want to say it... but fun). The cop showed back up, and I kept walking back and forth between the dining room and living room, just so I could pass the kitchen to see the cop sitting at my kitchen table, with my mom. I thought it was so cool a cop was in my house. They were trying to get me to leave and go somewhere else, but didn't really force me to stop.

At this point, I was exhausted. Somewhere along the line, my uncles came down from Belleville, to help us move our stuff (keep in mind this is probably around 11pm-1am right now). All I remember is when I finally got to Belleville, we moved in with my Uncle Stan, aunt, and my cousin Marija, who then was 3 years old. I remember seeing something about 3am, somewhere. But I don't remember the car ride or anything.

I was officially living in Belleville. We got the dog and everything.

On another side note, we ended up moving out of my Uncle's house a month afterwards, and moved into my Grandma's house (which is also in Belleville). I remained in that house from grade 5-early grade 8. About 3 years. 3 years of sharing a bed with my mom. 3 years. 3. Whole. Fucking. Years.

Those three years of my life, I don't remember well. I was scared. Confused. I just wanted to move out.

Anyways, that is the tale of September 29th, 2005. And today (well I guess its now yesterday) marked the 7 year mark of that happening.


Oh, P.S. my dad was an alcoholic, and was likely drunk during this whole thing.

I forgive him.

Am I actually this much of an idiot?

Remember when I had no confidence? Yes. I do. I remember that. I guess it still depends on my situation, my confidence level.

Like if I am in debate I will like go full all the way out, almost embarrassingly.

If I am in a room full of people I don't know and I am asked to stand in front of them all for a demonstration, I might not enjoy that.

If I am in a classroom full of people I don't know and/or like, I am going to be quieter.

If I am in a classroom with people I don't mind and a teacher I like, I am going to be more confident.


I guess most of this is logical.

But I can't believe what I said on... Wednesday. I was in period 5, and I was in a group for a presentation (we had to act out the tale of Orpheus) I was the Narrator and Hades. Anyways, I had missed parts of Monday and Tuesday, so we had to wait until Weds to do the presentation. The teacher was trying to convince us to do it. I was just like "Okay!" and I stood up and was the first of my group standing at the front. Then one of my group members joined me. The other two REFUSED to join us. I was just like "Come on have some confidence" (more on this later).  Anyways, so I just asked the teacher if she just wanted the two of us to tell the class about the myth, since we couldn't act it out without the other 2. So we told the story then sat down.

That is not like me.

Also when I said "come on have some confidence" I realized that would do nothing. I was like those two other group members before... although I don't think I would've refused... I would've dreaded it... but not refused to do it. But I get it. Its scary. Even though the entire class was saying "C'mon! We aren't even going to remember this in 5 years! Just do it! Its not that bad..." etc., it is still scary as fuck.

I have gone on this huge journey trying to figure out why the fuck I had no confidence. I was looking at aspects of my childhood and other experiences trying to figure out why...

In grade 10/11 (If you have heard this story before in my blog, I know I've told it before, please just tune out) I started reaching out to some people, for opportunities of confidence. It started with peer tutoring in grade 10 and that teacher that helped me break out of my shell. Then my Grade 11 family studies teacher, who also helped me.

But I think there were 2 things that REALLY helped me, other than people.
1: The gym. Do I talk to people there? No.
But was I ALWAYS SELF CONSCIOUS there for a while? Yes. I would only go in the women's section. Eventually I went downstairs to the first floor... because there was more cardio. Then I would run and hide back in women's.
A couple of months ago I started working out in the co-ed lifting/weights area. Its not even scary though. Now I am fine!

2: Running. Do you know how much freaking confidence it takes to run? It actually takes so much. Because you are showcasing your body in motion to the entire world. People honk at you, yell at you, whistle at you. To have the confidence to keep going after that, is amazing. Then when I competed in the half-marathon I was like... okay now a high amount of legitimate runners are going to be looking at me. Once cross country at school came around it was such a cinch to join.... no problem whatsoever.

I have just grown so much! I've changed so much! I will speak out in class. I will speak my opinions.

The other day in class we were asked some questions or told some statements we had to respond Strongly Agree, Agree, Disagree or strongly disagree. The one statement was "There are moral standards to sex" or something like that. Similar to that. It definitely was not phrased that way. But anyways. 14 people in the class voted strongly Agree, 9 voted agree, 0 voted disagree, 1 voted strongly disagree.

That was me. That 1. Yeah. That took some confidence. I was so close to jokingly shouting "Non-conformity!" when I raised my hand, but then chose against it.

I JUST WANT TO STAND IN FRONT OF THE CLASS AND PRESENT FOREVER NOW. K?

Living breathing hypocrite.

Ways I am a Hypocrite:

I hate the government.
Yet I plan on going into government.

Lesson learned: To beat em', you must join em'.


I am an atheist, and think that people who believe in a god are very confused individuals.
Yet I accept the possibility that a god/gods might exist.

Lesson learned: I am actually an agnostic.


I hate feminism.
But I agree with gender equality... in general.

Lesson learned: Feminists overreact to every fucking little thing.


I have no moral standards.
Yet I hold society up to their own societal moral standards.

Lesson learned: People are fucking stupid and you can make them do anything if you question their morals.

I HATE affirmative action. I think it should be removed from Canadian Law.
Yet I am a member of my school's GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance). It is somewhat like affirmative action.

Lesson Learned: Whatever.


Ways society/people is/are a hypocrite(s)

We have an extremely large group of christians (and other western religions) that... don't attend church. (Western Religions).
Yet many enjoy meditation, finding life's purpose (outside of christianity) and following quotes of many eastern religions such as taoism (Eastern Religions).

Lesson Learned: People really don't know why they believe in what they believe in.


Happiness is what we should all strive for.
People complain about things that make them unhappy then do nothing about them.

Lesson learned: People apparently do not actually strive for happiness. There is also an eastern religion in there somewhere... but I can't stick my finger on it.


I hate the government. Taxes are stupid. I like money.
You didn't vote. You live here, you have to pay them. If you don't like it, leave.

Lesson Learned: People are lazy.


I want to get healthy... but I can't afford healthy food and/or a gym membership.
Yes, but how much money would you be willing to pay to extend your life by 5 years? Pay that money now for that healthy food, and that might come to you. But I don't guarantee anything.

Lesson Learned: People don't weigh out the pros and cons when they have the ability to.


I could really go on for a while longer. But it is actually taking a bit of effort to think of things.

Lesson Learned: I am lazy.


Overall lesson learned: Everyone is stupid and we should probably just stop being stupid but we are all too lazy to stop being stupid, so instead we are going to live in stupidity for the rest of our lives.


Faith in humanity: Kind of sitting on a teeter totter right now.

It simply hurts me. + Nihilism

It hurts me to watch people with eating disorders/ mental disorders and even physical disorders that can either not do anything about it, because there is no cure, or will not do anything about it, because they do not have the strength.

It kills me inside. It brings out my inner moral self. I don't like that self. But it still does. That was the me 2 years ago when I was obsessed with psychology, and the thought of being a psychologist. That me, 2 years ago had more friends. That me also had more confusion, and less knowledge than I do now.

I don't miss her. She is just a memory.

Back to my point. Especially people with mental disorders... the only way they can get help is to accept it. You can give someone a psychologist and put them in a mental institution. But nothing is going to work until they truly accept that something is wrong, and they need help. In this society, help is offered a lot more than it used to. Through organizations, help lines, random passers-by. This is the age of the emotion. It can be expressed, or hidden. But no matter how much help is offered, it has to be at the right time, and the person has to want it, ask for it, or have it offered at the right time.

On a separate note, I discovered something new about my philosophy.

I was doing some thinking (as I normally do) and I decided that life really has no purpose. That is right, that would make me some form of nihilist. But that was sad. I was thinking, life really has no purpose, no purpose what so ever. Humans are just a product of scientific what-cha-ma-hoohaws. Humans have nothing to strive for, and there is no point to any of this.

But then I thought, if life has no purpose, why do I not want to die? If life has no purpose... I would want to die.

What if... humans are just naturally installed with the thought of "life" and survival of the fittest? Like, as natural animals/humans, we instinctively just think to try to survive.

That is one possible answer, which I believe can be true.

But another answer I thought of was that I believe life has no NATURAL purpose. Meaning, there is no reason that humans were developed from tiny organisms or whatever (insert appropriate science terms here).

But we do have a SOCIAL or INDIVIDUAL purpose. We have a purpose to fulfill duties in society. Whether with society (as most people do) or separate from society as individuals. We create goals. We fulfill our dreams. Sure, maybe humans aren't meant to do anything special on earth, but we have created something special from nothing. This amazingly horrifying society we have created has installed us with beliefs that we do have a purpose. Humans do have something to live for.

Whether it was centuries ago, we were living to make children to have help on the farm. We were living to invent. Living for friends. Living for the simplest reasons: like creating a craft or singing a song. Or now, where we strive to accomplish simple day-to-day tasks like taking our kids to school, or finishing college, or completing a goal. We feel the societal pressure to at least want to accomplish things, whether it is the next level of a video game, or inventing a new video game system... we feel this societal pressure, and perhaps feel the natural pressure we are born with, to achieve and live and survive, which gives us our purpose, and gives us our reason to live.

No matter what, whether there is a natural purpose to life or not, there is a social/individual purpose.

This is my 3rd attempt of writing a blog

I wrote two blogs previous to this blog, that were both depressing. So I am just going to not do that.

HIDDEN TALENTS! I love hearing about people's hidden talents. I just think its so interesting how you can know everything about a person and then just find out something new about them and be like WHOA! I didn't know you could do that!

Anyways. So I began thinking, what is my secret talent? I was trying to think. I thought knitting! Then I realized I am not good at knitting. I can knit, but I am not good at it. I haven't done it in a few months, but I still remember how to knit.

I thought baking, maybe. But I feel like quite a few people know I bake. I don't do this too often anyways.

There are some other things like debating, running, lifting, sewing, etc., that I thought maybe that is my secret talent. I was thinking running is my secret talent. But then I realized that many people now know I run, from my facebook pictures. But thats not it.

Then I realized... okay. In no way shape or form am I claiming that I am this person, or that I am good at it.. but let me explain.
I think my hidden talent is rapping.
OKAY! I do not have a "good" rapping voice, for rapping. But I can talk/"rap" really fast. I can keep up with busta rhymes at times. Its not like I make up rhymes/raps. But it is a hidden talent because
1) Not too many people (if any) know about it
2) It's not really expected

Example... I can rap Busta Rhymes' part in Justin Biebers "Drummer Boy". I can rap part (not all) of busta rhymes' part in look at me now.

So. Yeah. I found my secret talent. Will you ever hear me rap? Likely not.

Well people do say existentialists contradict themselves

So I frequently point out when somebody is doing something morally/ethically not to society's standards. I can make them feel bad and then they question whatever they are doing.

Its so funny because I do not live within society's general moral code. (Says the individualist, egoist and existentialist).

But that is contradicting, right? Thats what I was thinking. I was just like... wait... I am telling people to act morally while I do not (unless I choose to).

Then I realized that opinion I had right there was incorrect. I found a loophole.

Since I do not adhere to the moral code, it doesn't make it wrong to tell a person to follow the moral code.

PLUS usually when I tell people to act "ethically", it is generally for my advantage (egoism).

Haha I am so happy.

The reason why I was pondering this, is because I am currently arguing with a company that is making me pay a cancellation fee. The only thing they have on me is that I hit "I agree to these terms and conditions". But I already have 3 arguments against them just for that point.

Here is a tip:
The easiest way to win any case (this isn't a court case, but still) with a large corporation is to make you seem like the innocent by-stander. Just talk about how this is effecting you, make them feel bad about it, question their morals and ask them why they would be mean. If this is in court, it should work nicely. Otherwise, you may have to just show the public the way this company is treating you.

But here is an example:
You are trying to return a $40 purchase at a store, and part of your receipt is torn and you don't know where the other part is. They say you must have the entire receipt. Well, tell them how this is $40 you are out. Ask them specifically say "As a person, how would you feel if $40 was ripped out of your bank account right now?" say things like "This could pay for  some groceries for me/my family". In any way shape or form, make them seem like the bad guy. Always ask for upper management. Never be afraid to make an EDUCATED SCENE. What I mean is don't panic on the floor, know what you are talking about. Have legitimate arguments planned out for what you want to say. For example (for this argument):
Say JC Penny allows returns WITHOUT receipts
Say that paper tears easily, and it is not your fault that this store doesn't print things out in stone or tattoo them onto your body

DO NOT say things like "You have lost all of my future business from this store". They don't care.

The other funny thing is that I say I am an egoist, individualist and existentialist, and yet I do not follow any philosophical principles... including them. Because they all basically mean I live my life for me and only me. So it would be another contradiction to say I follow these principles, because then you are really contradicting yourself.

Get it? Probably not.

See you in the future.