Things that I want to do

I just turned 19 and for those who do not know, that is the legal drinking age in Ontario, Canada, where I live. So my life is basically awesome now and that is all that matters. I was going to write a long post about drinking but I wasn't feeling like it. I don't know how to describe alcohol yet, even though I've been drinking since I was 17. Let's just leave it at being "amazing and terrifying".

I decided to leave a list of "things I want to do" here. They aren't goals, they are just things that I want to do, whether they are realistic or not. I'm not going to put too much thought into it, I am just going to write without stopping.

- I want to take my mom on a cruise once I can afford it, most likely an Alaskan cruise
- I want to visit Europe every other year, at least once I have money
- I want to run a marathon in every province in Canada, and at least one in Florida, New York & Maybe even boston someday (P.S. I just completed my first marathon on October 19th, so go me!) Also in places in europe. Pretty much anywhere I can go.
- I want to be famous for something, whether it be an idea in the philosophy community, a book I wrote, a funny video I post... anything. Just for 5 minutes. Ideally I'd like to have a youtube video blow up and earn 1.5 million off of it.
- Lose about 10-15 pounds. I weight 135 right now, which is the most I've ever weighed. I ran my marathon at the lowest point of physical fitness I've had in a while, it's just I had the endurance to do it.
- Have a nice big house
- Have a daschund, basset hound, great dane, another lab, etc. Love dogs.
- Have a really short hairstyle once
- Go white-blonde before my hair goes grey... or once it goes grey just die it white blonde
- Meet a celebrity, Tina Fey or Stana Katic, preferably.
- Do something amazing for my future husband, Nick. I don't know what, but something that just causes him to fall backwards.
- Have a shitty enough wedding that it's cheap, but good enough so that people think that we spent too much on it for being students.
- Change the lives of my students
- Throw a lot of my salary as a teacher back into my students' education
- Have a closet full of corsets because I can
- Live on an island with nick for a year (with electricity) and what not but not be bugged by anything for a year. Pay to have food delivered once every few weeks, have nothing go wrong ever. No stresses. Essentially pay buttloads of money upfront to be catered to for a year, pay things like electricty, internet and whatnot in advance so we don't get bugged. Everything will just be perfect and there will be no stress
- Get my uterus removed, if not my tubes tied. By the time I'm married at 20 because I fucking hate the pill.
- Run a half marathon faster than 1:40, if I can do this, run it in under 1:30. Run a marathon in under 4:00 and if I do this, qualify for Boston.


I guess that's it for now. My brain ran out. I just typed that until I was done.

Life is pretty okay right now compared to usual. I know exams are coming up soon so my hair will start falling out more. Actually, that doesn't happen to me, which is good. But still, my philosophy in school (HAHA that's funny since I am a philosophy major) is essentially to learn how to succeed and not learn the material. I know what I need to focus on for how long and how to take a test and how to write an assignment and go to all of my classes. When it comes to my free time, I spend maybe 3-5 hours a week on school on average (other than class). When I have a test, I probably spend about 10+. Professors recommend you spend 3 hours additional to each class you take. Yeah. No. Maybe once third year comes and definitely in 4th year. School is so easily bullshitted it  is hilarious.

Anyways.

That's it for now.

My Sexuality

The past few days I have been tweeting quite a bit about being attracted to certain female celebrities. Specifically, Stana Katic, who is very sexy. I am very attracted to her.

I've never really publicly declared my sexuality before. I've been telling people I am straight/heterosexual my whole life, and that is why I still tell people. Although there probably should be an asterisk on it. 

I am sexually, emotionally and physically attracted to men more than I am sexually, emotionally and physically attracted to females. But I still have the ability to be sexually, emotionally and physically attracted to females. Physical attraction between men and females is pretty equal, for the most part, in my opinion.

Why am I even thinking about this? My (male) finacé and I were talking about whether or not we would stay with each other if one of us switched genders. He said no, I said yes. If for some reason he wanted to become a girl (he would make a hideous girl for the record) I would stay with him. My love and relationship status doesn't change because his sexual organs do. Although he argued that he wouldn't stay with me (most likely, at least). He said he would probably try but he would find it hard, even if we didn't have sex. He said we would probably just be really good friends. I was kind of offended by this, but I also get it, I guess.

I told myself all through high school that I wouldn't say no to a girl if she asked me out. I feel like I could be equally capable to love a woman as much as I could love a man. I think it's weird that others wouldn't or couldn't be able to. I think it doesn't matter what sexual organs 2 people have. 

But even though I argue that it's weird some people are just exclusive to a certain sex, I still have a preference to men. I think it's because I like the dynamic better. I guess. I'm not sure.

But I am definitely attracted to women. Anybody that has heard me talk about Tina Fey certainly knows. But Stana Katic is definitely my dream female celebrity right about now. It's not just celebrities I am talking about. It's just easy to point out attractive female celebrities.

But I guess it doesn't matter anyways that I might be bi-sexual or polysexual or whatever. I don't care to figure it out or to define myself. I am with a man and I am physically, emotionally and sexually attracted to him and that's all that really matters right now. 

(Stana if you are reading this I will leave my finacé for you)*

*kidding

Analyzing a quote of mine

I was glancing through my blog and I came across the sentence "Life is just depressing me, but in a good way" in my blog post "Even I don't know what I'm talking about here" in the first paragraph. I've decided to try to pick that sentence apart, because not only is it good practice for me, as I am an English minor but I am crazy. 

So, let's get started. 

Am I happy that life is depressing me? Do I like the drama of a depressing life? I think many people do. A lot of people on tumblr are obsessed with looking out of bay windows on rainy days with coffee and cats and are contempt with this utter sadness. This isn't depression, but I am just saying that depression has been somewhat romanticized by the over-dramatic.  What do I mean by this? I think that many young adults feel like depression is a good thing. Arguably, I may have been in this position at one time or another. Why is it a good thing? It gives you a different perspective on life. Since I am more of a realist than an optimist, depression seems pretty damned amazing to help me achieve my realistic point of view. Although depression and being a realist are not causal of each other or required for one another at all. 

So am I involved in this dramatic romanticization of depression? I don't think so. Now follow me. I don't think I am because I think I am. Here is my argument: people often say that you don't have to worry about being a psychopath if you yourself can ask yourself that question and think you might be, because a psychopath will never think they are a psychopath. It is sort of the same as saying that a hipster can only be a hipster if they say they are not a hipster. Weird? It's a very flawed argument, but I think to a degree I am able to romanticize depression and someone follow this doctrine, but then again, since I think I do, I probably am not.

So what do I mean by "Life is just depressing me, but in a good way". Maybe it has to do with working hard and getting payed off? School makes me sad, but going through this sadness can result in happiness. This could be it... but I don't think I would think like that except in cases like right now, because I am analyzing it.

What was the context? In my blog post I almost seem like I am 'giving up on life'. So maybe I am simply just enjoying this depressing aspect of life? 

I guess nobody knows. Hell, the blog post that I am quoting from is titled "Even I don't know what I'm talking about here", here being in reference to my blog. So I guess even I don't know. Maybe I was just trying to reflect upon the post title by concluding the first paragraph.

I never write proper paragraphs in my blogs. I always just begin a new line when I have a different point or when I pause my thinking. It's an informal blog, not an essay.

Anyways. I guess that's it for now. I am off to read a section of Martha C. Nussbaum's Other Times, Other Places: Homosexuality in Ancient Greece for my 3rd year Philosophy of Sex and Love class. 

I will post again someday. 

Technology in the Classroom is... frowned upon?

Not too long ago while I was in high school, my teachers taught me that technology and having laptops will be a huge thing within colleges and universities. I am only speaking on behalf of my experience at the university I attend, but this is not the case.

Some of my profs suggest "laptops are useless in the lecture hall unless you have a disability that requires you to use one." Professors prefer people to take pen & paper notes, which I also prefer.

It's no lie that laptops are distracting, to not only the person using it who is tempted to surf the web, but the person next to them gets distracted from the lecture as well, curious as to what the darting moving pages are on the screen. I can't directly quote which study this is, but professors of mine claim that there is a study that shows the people sitting around the person using the laptop are more distracted by the laptop than the person with the laptop.

Profs of mine hate cell phones as well, which is easily justified because they can be a nuisance if they go off. One of my professors even asks us to turn them off, and is very serious about it.

Technology has its place in the classroom, but I agree with my professors. It is distracting.

In my philosophy and english classes especially, tech is not as necessary.

The key tool I have learned is necessary in classes is complete and total attention. Some professors even ask for you not to take notes because they want you to be absorbed in the material and they upload their notes or power points later. This I agree with for the most part, other than the odd key point I want to jot down then and there to help me remember it.

The reason why I am pointing this out is because of the way people see technology as progressive, when some professors and I suggest many schools are against new technologies in the classroom. Of course, while writing papers or researching, they are very useful. But that is not what they are used for in lecture.

In lecture I bring a notepad and some pens and my iPad in case I need it/for break. I also bring my phone and I might check it once every half hour to see if my fiancé texted me. But in general I try to refrain from doing so. I rarely use my iPad during class. I usually use it before class to check my e-mails and then maybe play around with it during our break in our long lectures.

What do you think? Do you think laptops have a place in the classroom?

Arguably, I believe that they can, but most often are unnecessary. If a person works best with a laptop, then let them use it and maybe ask them to sit at the back or the sides as to distract as few as possible. Unless of course they have a disability or impairment, making them need to sit at the front with a laptop. As a student, the only problem I really have is when people are doing things on their laptop that are unnecessary, like going on facebook or playing a game. If you are doing that, you should be sitting at the back. I find that distracting.

The funniest thing about it all is that whenever a professor gives a talk on not going on facebook during lecture, I always see at least one person on their laptop on facebook.

I need to like school.

I need to start liking school.

I have this extreme hatred for the entire school system now. I am dreading going back to school. I love learning new things, it is honestly one of the biggest things that I love about myself. I just hate the system in which I have to learn things in, in order to qualify for a degree to say I know the things that I do.

I like the courses that I have picked out. I just want them to match up to the expectations I have for them.

I would drop out of school but I have no idea what else to do with my time. I'm sure there is something I could do, career wise, that would make me happier than teaching. Maybe not. I do really want to teach. But any other career I want are slightly more unrealistic. For example: being a comedian. I have no experience. I tried to create experience for myself by starting a comedy club at my university but nothing came of that.

I think I need to start liking school, though. I am depressed about it and my learning will be very disturbed even by being depressed. I want to be school oriented in order to get out of school on time.

How am I going to do this?

I have no clue. I am pretty much an alcoholic (I may write about this someday... probably not, it's kind of shady) and I told my fiancé I am brining a flask with me to class. This isn't a lie, I probably will. I did last year. Well, not bring a flask, but put something in my drink before I left. It's not good. I know I am an alcoholic. Whatever.

I need to not drink so much but it is also the easier route.

I think I will have more balance this year which will be great for focusing. I will have a lot on my plate, but I think it will balance me out better. Fuck. I hope I have time to see my fiancé at times other than sleeping. Between our school schedules, working, going to the gym & dance for me, and other social lives... ugh.

I have no clue. I have just started this train of thought in my head and I have no idea. I might figure it out eventually.

Even I don't know what I am talking about here.

I'm not up in arms about anything and frankly, it's odd. Usually I have some major idea or thought to scream about on my blog but for the past few months there has been nothing super inspiring for me. Life is just depressing me, but in a good way.

I'm just sick of school and I'm done writing exhaustive blog posts complaining about it (for now). I'm sick of working at retail jobs that I feel overqualified for and can't find a job that is equivalent to my abilities and will challenge me.

I know saying that you're "sick and tired" about something is just a phrase, but for me it's all too true. I'm tired of fighting idiots about political and social topics. Not done, just tired of it. I'm bored of it.

I'm half dreading school because I know there is going to be a lot of readings I simply don't want to do but should do. I am really bad at reading things I don't want to read because I just zone out and observe the words. I could read 20 pages before realizing I haven't absorbed any of it.

I'm seriously ready to just become a typical teenager and be completely wasted every moment that isn't working time or school time. If it was legal to drink during class I totally would. I've written assignments for school while drinking and gotten 100% on them.

I have my marathon soon and I seriously need to train for it. I was going to go for a run today but the weather decided to increase by a LOT out of the blue and I know that my 30k run would soon become 7k with the temperature out there. I am actually just getting super tired just sitting here thinking about it.

I might go to a nearby city that actually has things to do, tomorrow, with Nick. But I also don't want to spend money and he doesn't either. I'm stuck in a rut. Maybe school will bring something out of me. Inspiration to write, friends to visit... just anything.

I need an inspirational moment. I really do. My life is good right now, for the most part, other than money/school and work (but then again, those three things screw everyone over) but I just want something to be excited for. Well, I'm excited to get married. But something that is more inspirational or... I don't know... just something. Getting married is different.

Nick and I describe ourselves as "life partners" and although there is a need and occurrence of surprising each other and whatnot, we are not each others' only other thing in the world. I need something outside of the relationship to bring into the relationship to be excited about. Getting married is just the next step to solidify to everyone else that we are actually serious. Marriage is a big deal, but it's not the biggest deal. I swear that half of getting married is about everyone else around us. It makes me want to use all of the money we want to use for getting married to go on a really nice vacation. Because really, who cares if they get a half-decent meal and a weird little trinket to take home with them to celebrate us? We are probably going to have a nice wedding anyways, but it would be so easy to just be officiated in a public park (cost would be like $200, probably) and then take everyone close out to dinner somewhere. That would be so much cheaper than finding a venue. Seriously, some of the more inexpensive venues we are looking at are around $4,500 not including food or $12,000 including food. It is ridiculous. Our budget will probably be about $7,000 (maybe, who knows, maybe less maybe more) which is honestly ridiculous.

We could have a $1,500 wedding and then go somewhere nice. It is really our own relationship.

I have no idea where I am going with any of this. Oh yeah. The lack of being "up in arms" about everything. Oh well. Hopefully something dumb will happen soon to make me angry to write a blog post.

Also, I have a wedding blog now: bridetubey.blogspot.com

I am ENGAGED

The 27th of July, 2014.

I am a fiancée. My boyfriend, Nick proposed to me. Breathe.

We were playing a game where you ask yes or no questions and go back and forth. He said "Three more questions and then let's go to bed" and I agreed. He had the last question. We were sitting on the floor and he sat me down beside him on the sofa and began his speech. He ended his speech with the best question in that game's history. He kneeled on the floor in front of me, holding one of his own rings in his hand and asked me to marry him. I said yes.

He used one of his rings because he didn't have a ring for me yet and he didn't want to propose without a ring. So cute. I wear that ring on a necklace for now until my engagement ring is finished sizing and I can wear it. I should have it on the 14th. We picked it out together, the day after he proposed.

So, you may be asking yourself, "Why the fuck is Sarah getting married? She is 18!". I have never been a person for age stereotypes, but yes, I will be getting married when I am at the age of 20 (in the summer of 2016) and Nick will be 25.

I am getting married because I am willing to take a chance with the man I love. I want to marry him, he wants to marry me and therefore: we are going to get married. There is always a degree of fear in any relationship, whether boyfriend/girlfriend, or husband/wife. You never know when one of you will die, if you will split up/divorce, hate each other in the future, etc. But if you let that fear get in front of you, you won't be happy.

Anyways,

Allow me to answer the FAQs that I am assuming everyone has:

What did your parents think?
When I told my mom she replied, "I knew you would get engaged soon/I knew it".

What did his parents think?
They were happy I wasn't pregnant. They were supportive. They were a little shocked. His mom said "I can't believe how compatible you two are. I don't think I have ever seen a more compatible couple in my life"

Why not wait until you are older?
I personally want to get married before I am done my undergrad because I don't want to worry about it afterwords. Not that I couldn't wait, but I would rather not wait. I don't think there is an issue with me getting married to someone I love. Nevertheless, there is a stereotype of being foolish connected to marrying young, but I have also never been described as a foolish person.

Why are you waiting two years to get married?
Nick and I were talking about it and we decided that 2016 (the year between our 3rd and 4th years of school) was a good time. It gave us two years more living together before being married. Also, most venues we are looking at book 2 years in advance, so... we kind of have to wait if we want a nice venue.

How big is your wedding AKA how the fuck are you going to afford your wedding?
We are expecting around 40 people to be at the wedding. I am planning on saving some money from my inheritance from my dad and the two of us plan on saving money here and there from paycheques over the next two years. We want a nice and elegant wedding, but know we will have to sacrifice things. We also don't have a huge guest list. Yet.

So... what does the ring look like?

I am so happy to be marrying the man that I love. He makes me happy. Without him I would be in such a different place right now and I like where I am now. He gives me so much more than I could ever imagine. He is my best friend. We are compatible on every level of compatibility but have different hobbies so we have our own lives outside our relationship too. We can work through arguments. Every step we have taken in the relationship has felt so natural: falling in love, moving in together, adopting a pet, getting engaged. He is my life partner and I want him to always be my life partner. I am willing to take a chance on love with him. We balance each other out: things I know he doesn't, things I don't know, he does. We help each other out: he fixes my tech problems and I fix the holes in his clothes. We enjoy spending time together. We are willing to make sacrifices for each other. We picture a future together, support each other's ambitions and help each other out with achieving our goals. He helps me come out of my shell, make good life decisions and is there for me no matter what emotion I am expressing. I help him through any tough times, comfort him and make him feel better. We are in a lifelong relationship and it is currently making me happy so I am going to go with that emotion and try to keep it going forever.