Sunday, December 11, 2016
jumping right into it... I'm doing youtube again?
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Wednesday, October 26, 2016
p.s.
In just 2 days I will be 21. What the fuck. I feel like 21 is going to be an important year. I think that this year a lot of big good and big bad things will happen that will shape me. I have no real evidence. I mean I know I've changed a lot recently, and that I will be graduating at the age of 21.
I'm at another one of these spots in my life where I find myself super confused about "what's next?". This is the most freedom I will have in my life soon, and possibly ever. Done with school, not in a career... so many options. I hope I don't pick too many boring ones.
Right now I'm listening to Oh My God by the Pretty reckless and it is so good and just hitting the spot. This is definitely a new favourite song.
Oh my god I just had to take off my fake nails. I just put them on yesterday but I couldn't stand them any longer. I can type so freely now. Lilac. Daffodil! EXCLAMATION!
Okay, where was I?
Oh right, 21. What does this mean? 21 is the year I get the rest of my inheritance and my dad's coin collection. Yippidee dooo. I am considering putting it into a savings plan for a house. Maybe. I don't know.
I am getting really depressed again, lately. I've mostly quit drinking, not on purpose though. I just have been smoking a lot of weed. Whoops. I am just sad about life. I was having an okay time but now everything is kind of catching up to me again. I am realizing the things that made me sad, again.
I struggle everyday to do things that should be easy. I manage to keep my place clean enough to be livable and not gross. I shower less, but often enough. I don't spend as much time on makeup, hair or skincare. I find it hard to go without messing up at least one thing everyday. It's hard to make it to classes on time. It's hard to stay at work the whole time. I often find myself not going to the gym enough, gaining a little bit of weight. I haven't cooked in over a month, I just order food in.
I'm not miserable. I have my dog, my boyfriend, my phone, my friends. I have weed. I have the internet. Youtube has become a huge part of my life now. Watching other people live their lives across the globe and hear about the sad things that happen to them too.
I swear I'm not always this solemn. I just find my life really hard to pilot right now. I'm not really here right now, I've kind of checked out. I'm on autopilot so I'm just kind of going with things as they come up. Doing assignments at the last minute, rushing to appointments I'm always missing. I'm too busy in the moment to come up with plans to do things correctly. I have to use the time that I manage to stumble on to do the things I need to do before they have to be done.
It's hard, it really is. Is this not the same situation we all find ourselves in? I wish the philosophy students in my classes talked about these sorts of things. We talk about great things, but they always relate back to history and old texts and ideas of intellectuals. But what about the people not fortunate enough to have a career in education, the homeless, the talented that are not famous? We could learn so much from these people but they have not been given a voice. This is why the internet is so great, it is so much easier to stumble upon the silenced.
I'm ready for massive changes to come with being 21. I want changes at least, but I also am finding it hard to get off of autopilot. It just seems to be the only way I can function right now as a person. Autopilot isn't the worst, it's the best so far. But autopilot is in no way good.
Sincerely,
Sarah
P.S.
What the fuck did I just write?
I'm at another one of these spots in my life where I find myself super confused about "what's next?". This is the most freedom I will have in my life soon, and possibly ever. Done with school, not in a career... so many options. I hope I don't pick too many boring ones.
Right now I'm listening to Oh My God by the Pretty reckless and it is so good and just hitting the spot. This is definitely a new favourite song.
Oh my god I just had to take off my fake nails. I just put them on yesterday but I couldn't stand them any longer. I can type so freely now. Lilac. Daffodil! EXCLAMATION!
Okay, where was I?
Oh right, 21. What does this mean? 21 is the year I get the rest of my inheritance and my dad's coin collection. Yippidee dooo. I am considering putting it into a savings plan for a house. Maybe. I don't know.
I am getting really depressed again, lately. I've mostly quit drinking, not on purpose though. I just have been smoking a lot of weed. Whoops. I am just sad about life. I was having an okay time but now everything is kind of catching up to me again. I am realizing the things that made me sad, again.
I struggle everyday to do things that should be easy. I manage to keep my place clean enough to be livable and not gross. I shower less, but often enough. I don't spend as much time on makeup, hair or skincare. I find it hard to go without messing up at least one thing everyday. It's hard to make it to classes on time. It's hard to stay at work the whole time. I often find myself not going to the gym enough, gaining a little bit of weight. I haven't cooked in over a month, I just order food in.
I'm not miserable. I have my dog, my boyfriend, my phone, my friends. I have weed. I have the internet. Youtube has become a huge part of my life now. Watching other people live their lives across the globe and hear about the sad things that happen to them too.
I swear I'm not always this solemn. I just find my life really hard to pilot right now. I'm not really here right now, I've kind of checked out. I'm on autopilot so I'm just kind of going with things as they come up. Doing assignments at the last minute, rushing to appointments I'm always missing. I'm too busy in the moment to come up with plans to do things correctly. I have to use the time that I manage to stumble on to do the things I need to do before they have to be done.
It's hard, it really is. Is this not the same situation we all find ourselves in? I wish the philosophy students in my classes talked about these sorts of things. We talk about great things, but they always relate back to history and old texts and ideas of intellectuals. But what about the people not fortunate enough to have a career in education, the homeless, the talented that are not famous? We could learn so much from these people but they have not been given a voice. This is why the internet is so great, it is so much easier to stumble upon the silenced.
I'm ready for massive changes to come with being 21. I want changes at least, but I also am finding it hard to get off of autopilot. It just seems to be the only way I can function right now as a person. Autopilot isn't the worst, it's the best so far. But autopilot is in no way good.
Sincerely,
Sarah
P.S.
What the fuck did I just write?
Friday, September 2, 2016
August crap I kind of enjoyed
Tech & App:
Fitbit Charge HR/Fitbit App
I got the Fitbit Charge HR and I lost 2lbs in less than 2 weeks by using it! Even if you do not have a Fitbit, you can still download and use the fitbit app for free (if you have an iPhone I know it counts steps as well) but you can track your activity and what you eat in order to lose weight. I like this app compared to other weight loss apps I have used because not only does it track calories + activity like most fitness apps, but it tracks your water intake and helps you to make specific goals as well. I'm super in love!
My fitbit charge HR also reads my heart rate which I love keeping track of as well. I find that it is very accurate in its' step calculation and calorie burn calculation, as well as the heart rate reader. I find that the charge lasts about 3-4 days before I have to charge it, and it charges pretty quickly as well. I usually charge it whenever I go into the shower (because it is not waterproof anyways) and leave it on the charger for a little afterwards and/or occasionally charge it at night.
Music:
The Pretty Reckless (aka my favourite band)
I have been listening to the song Take Me Down quite a bit. Check it out!
ALSO Listen to Icon For Hire! So good.
I really can't think of too much else for this month, trust me: I tried.
Maybe some tips or things to do or something? What the fuck ever.
1. Order food for delivery and order a kids meal: usually super filling and usually comes with a cool dessert and/or toy.
2. Get an extra long phone charger so you can use your phone by laying on either side of your body in bed.
3. Get drunk and get an adult colouring book. Super fun. Challenge: get a colouring puzzle because all the pieces are black and white so its really hard.
4. My friend and I came up with this one a month or so ago: instead of going to a museum, just go to the gift shop because you'll learn about all the important exhibit pieces from what you can buy at the museum and also the gift shop is always the best part. BONUS: What you don't pay for in a ticket or use up in time walking around, you can spend at the gift shop.
5. stress out and cry
Okay cool so that was super fun alright bye for a little bit, school is soon.
Sarah
Fitbit Charge HR/Fitbit App
I got the Fitbit Charge HR and I lost 2lbs in less than 2 weeks by using it! Even if you do not have a Fitbit, you can still download and use the fitbit app for free (if you have an iPhone I know it counts steps as well) but you can track your activity and what you eat in order to lose weight. I like this app compared to other weight loss apps I have used because not only does it track calories + activity like most fitness apps, but it tracks your water intake and helps you to make specific goals as well. I'm super in love!
My fitbit charge HR also reads my heart rate which I love keeping track of as well. I find that it is very accurate in its' step calculation and calorie burn calculation, as well as the heart rate reader. I find that the charge lasts about 3-4 days before I have to charge it, and it charges pretty quickly as well. I usually charge it whenever I go into the shower (because it is not waterproof anyways) and leave it on the charger for a little afterwards and/or occasionally charge it at night.
Music:
The Pretty Reckless (aka my favourite band)
I have been listening to the song Take Me Down quite a bit. Check it out!
ALSO Listen to Icon For Hire! So good.
I really can't think of too much else for this month, trust me: I tried.
Maybe some tips or things to do or something? What the fuck ever.
1. Order food for delivery and order a kids meal: usually super filling and usually comes with a cool dessert and/or toy.
2. Get an extra long phone charger so you can use your phone by laying on either side of your body in bed.
3. Get drunk and get an adult colouring book. Super fun. Challenge: get a colouring puzzle because all the pieces are black and white so its really hard.
4. My friend and I came up with this one a month or so ago: instead of going to a museum, just go to the gift shop because you'll learn about all the important exhibit pieces from what you can buy at the museum and also the gift shop is always the best part. BONUS: What you don't pay for in a ticket or use up in time walking around, you can spend at the gift shop.
5. stress out and cry
Okay cool so that was super fun alright bye for a little bit, school is soon.
Sarah
Monday, August 29, 2016
ramblings of passion
I have always been the passionate type, when it comes to appreciating others, loving others, my hobbies, things I do for fun and education. I care a lot, and I care hard. It is not the most obvious of traits of mine, I have a tendency to prevent myself from appearing like I care. For instance: I very rarely give to charity, ads that are targeted to make me feel sympathy do not work. I care so much that when it comes to the things I truly love, I obsess. I make myself feel pain by making myself feel love and digging to the deepest parts of my soul to feel the pain more.
I live by falling for people, falling for their soul, falling for their appearance, their hobbies, their lives. This is not necessarily in a romantic sense or a sexual sense, of course my own boyfriend I am deeply fascinated with and find him complex and interesting, he triggers my passionate and empathetic side. But I fall for everyday people, people who seem interesting, attractive, usually something unique in their personality that makes me feel like they are of the highest kind of person.
My hobbies usually get delved into with the same passion, but it waivers. I will become deeply interested in one of the activities I love and then obsess over it for a period of time and then forget it as quickly as I remembered it.
I think this is why I was such a tortured soul when I was single because I kept romantically falling for people because that spot in my heart was empty. I kept falling in love with people, for them being people. It was lust, more than love, but it hurt like love. Seeing them would send shivers down my spine, beads of sweat across my face and I would dodge my eyes from them. I both find it too easy and too hard to stare into the eyes of a person like this.
Why am I talking about this? I have found it so hard to find this passion again. I had passion for psychology, I had passion for philosophy, passion for people, passion for hobbies, passion for learning, and whatever else I valued.
I find myself valuing things less and less, caring less and less. I think it has to do with my worldview. I have been seeing so many people that I feel the exact opposite passion for, people who also have no passion, no drive, nothing pushing them. I see them dreading on through Walmart, through the mall, down the streets, no passion or love in their step. Slowly I become one of them.
I still feel the deep care and passion within, but it is hidden much, much more since I have moved to North Bay. It has to be triggered out, someone else crying, someone in need, typically makes my caring senses and empathetic senses come out. If someone deeply needs help I am the first to be there. It is always selfless as well, I am there for those who are disabled, temporarily or permanently by something physical, mental or emotional. I connect so well with the non-perfect. Whether it is the most beautiful woman in the world hurting emotionally into my arms, or a person hurting from a loss of a loved one. I don't like to tell these strangers my name, I don't like people to know. If the person I am helping knows me I am always awkward after I am through the event.
It is like I have a whole other personality now, it is almost like I have been so ashamed of the depth of my caring that I removed it from my person and manifested it into another.
But don't get me wrong, I always look for the wrong in every situation. I am not optimistic, I don't think the good is inevitable. I look for the bad, the wrong, in good situations. Recently the local mall launched a charity drive for girls going back to school in the area (good, right?) except the girls and boys in this area that are poor and require new school supplies from donations are EQUAL. Why is this charity only benefiting the girls? I hate it. I hate it. It is not going to a third world country where girls are still fighting for education, it's just simply going to girls first and then boys. If anything boys need more encouragement now for school because the entrance rate of boys entering post-secondary education is much lower than girls.
See what I mean? A good charity and all I can do is complain and find the wrong. I just care too much about the correct, the perfect, I suppose. Maybe it is because I find it so fascinating, perfection is so interesting but also near-impossible. The things I would do for perfection are dark and terrible, which is the problem because if I was offered up perfection I would still not be perfect because of my past, my choice to commit the dark as the beginning of perfection? This makes no sense.
What the fuck were my ramblings now, even?
What was my grammar now, even?
I hate editing my posts.
Until next time,
confused & passionate, I guess.
I live by falling for people, falling for their soul, falling for their appearance, their hobbies, their lives. This is not necessarily in a romantic sense or a sexual sense, of course my own boyfriend I am deeply fascinated with and find him complex and interesting, he triggers my passionate and empathetic side. But I fall for everyday people, people who seem interesting, attractive, usually something unique in their personality that makes me feel like they are of the highest kind of person.
My hobbies usually get delved into with the same passion, but it waivers. I will become deeply interested in one of the activities I love and then obsess over it for a period of time and then forget it as quickly as I remembered it.
I think this is why I was such a tortured soul when I was single because I kept romantically falling for people because that spot in my heart was empty. I kept falling in love with people, for them being people. It was lust, more than love, but it hurt like love. Seeing them would send shivers down my spine, beads of sweat across my face and I would dodge my eyes from them. I both find it too easy and too hard to stare into the eyes of a person like this.
Why am I talking about this? I have found it so hard to find this passion again. I had passion for psychology, I had passion for philosophy, passion for people, passion for hobbies, passion for learning, and whatever else I valued.
I find myself valuing things less and less, caring less and less. I think it has to do with my worldview. I have been seeing so many people that I feel the exact opposite passion for, people who also have no passion, no drive, nothing pushing them. I see them dreading on through Walmart, through the mall, down the streets, no passion or love in their step. Slowly I become one of them.
I still feel the deep care and passion within, but it is hidden much, much more since I have moved to North Bay. It has to be triggered out, someone else crying, someone in need, typically makes my caring senses and empathetic senses come out. If someone deeply needs help I am the first to be there. It is always selfless as well, I am there for those who are disabled, temporarily or permanently by something physical, mental or emotional. I connect so well with the non-perfect. Whether it is the most beautiful woman in the world hurting emotionally into my arms, or a person hurting from a loss of a loved one. I don't like to tell these strangers my name, I don't like people to know. If the person I am helping knows me I am always awkward after I am through the event.
It is like I have a whole other personality now, it is almost like I have been so ashamed of the depth of my caring that I removed it from my person and manifested it into another.
But don't get me wrong, I always look for the wrong in every situation. I am not optimistic, I don't think the good is inevitable. I look for the bad, the wrong, in good situations. Recently the local mall launched a charity drive for girls going back to school in the area (good, right?) except the girls and boys in this area that are poor and require new school supplies from donations are EQUAL. Why is this charity only benefiting the girls? I hate it. I hate it. It is not going to a third world country where girls are still fighting for education, it's just simply going to girls first and then boys. If anything boys need more encouragement now for school because the entrance rate of boys entering post-secondary education is much lower than girls.
See what I mean? A good charity and all I can do is complain and find the wrong. I just care too much about the correct, the perfect, I suppose. Maybe it is because I find it so fascinating, perfection is so interesting but also near-impossible. The things I would do for perfection are dark and terrible, which is the problem because if I was offered up perfection I would still not be perfect because of my past, my choice to commit the dark as the beginning of perfection? This makes no sense.
What the fuck were my ramblings now, even?
What was my grammar now, even?
I hate editing my posts.
Until next time,
confused & passionate, I guess.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Rant: pls ignore.
I am getting so angry at people lately. Oh fuck people are just getting on my nerves.
I've never been a people-person, confident, well versed on the spot, etc. I'm the type of person that regrets the things I don't say, not the things that I do say.
I have just been constantly disappointed by the people I have seen in society lately.
A single mother of 11 using the system to get by living in a hellhole
A customer complaining about an issue that isn't even hers and sweats profusely while yelling because of how overweight she is
A pre-teen who tried to give me an unwarranted talk as if he knew what he was talking about
A woman in prison who gave birth and than put her baby in the toilet saying she "miscarried" when she literally gave birth and then put her own child in a fucking toilet to die
The woman who said her husband and her discussed my tattoo over dinner
WHAT?
What the fucking hell. I usually keep my nose out of people's business: especially fucking strangers business. Fucking high school me might've been ecstatic that some people were discussing my tattoo. Sure, I don't fucking care if you talk about me behind my back, whether it good or bad, just do not fucking tell me about it afterwards.
Talk about how you want to fuck me, masturbate thinking about it: but do not actually do it to me or tell me about what you fucking jack off to.
I actually straight up overheard a guy telling another guy while I was at work that he was picturing "not only my kids with her (me) but our grandkids". Jesus fucking christ I don't care if you think that but do not say that in earshot. It's kind of fucking upsetting.
If you like my ass, don't fucking whistle at me, think about it later, or if you take a fucking picture of it, don't let me see you take a picture of it and for fuck sakes do not fucking share it online.
I am just getting so tired of the same old uneducated kinds of people that I am forced to interact with on a daily basis and be nice to because I am paid $11.25 to do so. Pay me $50 an hour and I'll shut the fuck up but minimum wage isn't enough for me not to swear back when you swear at me. The customer is rarely correct. I work for the store. There is nothing in the back, literally nothing. I've been here for years, I think I know our fucking stock without looking.
I was going to say that in order to have peace of mind that I need to stop caring about this shit but I really don't. I obviously care about certain things, such as my wonderances as to how come the city in which I live has such a high populous of unintelligent folk.
I believe some things are genetic, but honestly, how has our actual education system failed so many of the people I have to interact with? The odd thing: sure! Everyone has their moment in which they forget, don't know and whatnot, but when you fucking come into the store I work in and ask "Do you have those books that you read?" and I look at you like you're a fucking retard, don't ask me why (yes this happened recently).
I've been trying to have a more positive outlook upon things and even though I can acknowledge the negative, I need to focus more on the positive. Sure, that makes me feel good, emotionally. But by focusing on the bad, the negative, it makes me "all up in arms" and makes me feel like I should actually do something. But at the same exact time I feel powerless.
I'm sure this post is riddled with fallacies, I didn't even quite have an argument: that is what rants are for, I suppose.
Sorry, I'm sure someday I might actually have some kind of quality of post. Maybe I'll follow up on this someday with a few less f-bombs.
Probably not.
Until next time,
Sarah
I've never been a people-person, confident, well versed on the spot, etc. I'm the type of person that regrets the things I don't say, not the things that I do say.
I have just been constantly disappointed by the people I have seen in society lately.
A single mother of 11 using the system to get by living in a hellhole
A customer complaining about an issue that isn't even hers and sweats profusely while yelling because of how overweight she is
A pre-teen who tried to give me an unwarranted talk as if he knew what he was talking about
A woman in prison who gave birth and than put her baby in the toilet saying she "miscarried" when she literally gave birth and then put her own child in a fucking toilet to die
The woman who said her husband and her discussed my tattoo over dinner
WHAT?
What the fucking hell. I usually keep my nose out of people's business: especially fucking strangers business. Fucking high school me might've been ecstatic that some people were discussing my tattoo. Sure, I don't fucking care if you talk about me behind my back, whether it good or bad, just do not fucking tell me about it afterwards.
Talk about how you want to fuck me, masturbate thinking about it: but do not actually do it to me or tell me about what you fucking jack off to.
I actually straight up overheard a guy telling another guy while I was at work that he was picturing "not only my kids with her (me) but our grandkids". Jesus fucking christ I don't care if you think that but do not say that in earshot. It's kind of fucking upsetting.
If you like my ass, don't fucking whistle at me, think about it later, or if you take a fucking picture of it, don't let me see you take a picture of it and for fuck sakes do not fucking share it online.
I am just getting so tired of the same old uneducated kinds of people that I am forced to interact with on a daily basis and be nice to because I am paid $11.25 to do so. Pay me $50 an hour and I'll shut the fuck up but minimum wage isn't enough for me not to swear back when you swear at me. The customer is rarely correct. I work for the store. There is nothing in the back, literally nothing. I've been here for years, I think I know our fucking stock without looking.
I was going to say that in order to have peace of mind that I need to stop caring about this shit but I really don't. I obviously care about certain things, such as my wonderances as to how come the city in which I live has such a high populous of unintelligent folk.
I believe some things are genetic, but honestly, how has our actual education system failed so many of the people I have to interact with? The odd thing: sure! Everyone has their moment in which they forget, don't know and whatnot, but when you fucking come into the store I work in and ask "Do you have those books that you read?" and I look at you like you're a fucking retard, don't ask me why (yes this happened recently).
I've been trying to have a more positive outlook upon things and even though I can acknowledge the negative, I need to focus more on the positive. Sure, that makes me feel good, emotionally. But by focusing on the bad, the negative, it makes me "all up in arms" and makes me feel like I should actually do something. But at the same exact time I feel powerless.
I'm sure this post is riddled with fallacies, I didn't even quite have an argument: that is what rants are for, I suppose.
Sorry, I'm sure someday I might actually have some kind of quality of post. Maybe I'll follow up on this someday with a few less f-bombs.
Probably not.
Until next time,
Sarah
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
When I stopped taking life seriously
There was a time in which I took life seriously. It all started with my parents divorce (here we go). I decided "okay Sarah, you have a lawyer now, time to take life extremely seriously", (I was 10). So I did what every 10 year old serious kid does: buy a notebook. I recorded my thoughts, things I was angry about mostly and reasons why I hated my dad, you know, the usual.
Ever since then until about age 16 I took life like it was the most serious thing to ever be. Life was the fucking shit. Life was good. I found my peace, I chose my destiny: "I'll be a psychologist", she said. Psychology was my bitch, I desired jewelry with the psychology symbol, I looked into schools during midnight on one new years, sitting at home, sipping on water, probably.
Then what happened? Philosophy happened, questioning life happened. Once I started questioning things I couldn't stop. I realized there was no god, firstly. So then what is life's purpose? What is it?
I got into a deep depression, which I am still partially in, but it was different. I decided to sabotage my life. I decided to study this "philosophy" in which I was so fascinated. But all I did was get more inspired, after briefly going through a period of suicidal thoughts and alcoholism, like all good philosophers, right?
I came up with theories, ideas, and I think the most correct word I could use to describe what I thought was "justifications". Things to justify living, things to justify creating a life around myself.
I came to a new justification that I'll just try to be happy.
I came to a new justification that my life goal is to make my love happy.
Things just kept changing I just kept justifying and finally... FINALLY I have come up with a new way of coping with my nihilistic tendencies.
Since I have yet to find a true meaning in life, other than to find happiness, what I have vowed to do in order to both adhere to my true beliefs as well as make the ones I love happy and to somewhat follow the good parts of society's structure, I will not kill myself. I never attempted suicide, but it just seemed like the right thing to do.
But since I do not believe there is anything after death, might as well exist, right?
That's still not my new justification.
Here is my new promise:
If I hate myself, my life, the things around me so much that I am standing on the edge of self-induced death, I will end my life. Not my biological/physical life, my social/psychological life. I will end my my studies, my place of living, my job, and move on. I will pick a place, go find a new life, a new meaning, I will keep my name, my lessons and my family and people I love, (unless these are the causes of my suicidal tendencies) but change what I do in my day. Because it seems most obvious to me that the cause of my death should not be myself. Since this is my only experience, if I am not happy, I should at least not be on the verge of suicide.
Anyways. That was my weird rant for the night. I'm sure I'm crazy, but the psychiatrists keep saying I'm not. Oh well.
I love you all, talk to you soon (whoever you all are),
Sarah
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Craving adventure
Less than a month until my final year of my undergrad. Shit.
I really want to feel like I've actually accomplished something at the end of my degree here. I feel like I haven't learned three years worth of material from my education. I am not too sure why, it's not that the quality of my education itself is poor, I think maybe it is just because I haven't been taking my degree seriously. I don't take life seriously to begin with though, so maybe I just won't feel accomplished, ever?
Dark.
Anyways, all of my courses next year are all philosophy courses except for one english studies course I am taking. I am retaking one of my 2nd year courses to get a better grade. I'm considering applying to graduate schools. I am going to apply to Queens university for their Masters in Philosophy. If I do not get into that school I am going to take a year off and then apply to other schools.
I feel like I am too young to graduate. I will be 21 this October, and therefore in April when I graduate, I will be 21. That's fucking young for an undergraduate. In the united states that is the legal drinking age. I feel like I have missed out on a major part of life. I have been craving a crazier life. I wish I had a solid 5 years of working a shit job, living in a big city, maybe in school part time or something, but just hitting drugs and alcohol hard like every weekend. I guess it doesn't have to be drugs, but just something more adventurous. I have lived in a shit town for 3 years now, and it is so uneventful I feel my livelyhood is just gone.
But I am going to have my undergrad, I have a serious boyfriend, I'm fucking thinking of starting a house savings plan this fall. Jesus.
Career wise I am not super set on what I am going to do, still. I am thinking about attempting to become a philosophy professor, if not a high school teacher. But the past few years I've still craved the idea of either owning a cafe, bar or strip club (out of these three, most likely the 2nd). Maybe owning a bar would give me that crazyness I've been craving.
Although I am not too sure how good of an idea owning a bar is. I am an alcoholic. I don't want to get super into it, but I have been sober for about 25 days now. I am not never drinking again, but just for a little while I am not going to. It's almost as a punishment for me just abusing the fuck out of alcohol. I know what my max is in a night of drinking, but I haven't quite learned that drinking 1-2 26ers of vodka + whatever beers and ciders is bad yet. Well I guess I have. I just need to drink less. I have lost weight already from quitting for a little bit. Oh well. Just another thing to make my life harder, I suppose.
Anyways, I have been craving adventure like crazy lately. I might be hitting up Manitoulin island soon with the boy. I literally went to a concert on Monday night and I feel bored already. I feel like I need something exciting every night. That has never been my experience of my desires before so it's kind of weird. My next day off I think I am going to hit up the local hiking spot/waterfall with my dog again like I did 2 weeks ago or so. I might be going to another concert in November.
It's just a problem too because I need to be buckling down and focusing on school and all I want to do is move out to British Columbia or California or some shit and just party and go on adventures.
I suppose I will have to figure it out. If anybody has any ideas as to how I can quench my thirst for excitement, be my guest and comment them below.
I wasn't too sure where this post was going to go, but I guess I feel I am done now.
Until next time,
Sarah
I really want to feel like I've actually accomplished something at the end of my degree here. I feel like I haven't learned three years worth of material from my education. I am not too sure why, it's not that the quality of my education itself is poor, I think maybe it is just because I haven't been taking my degree seriously. I don't take life seriously to begin with though, so maybe I just won't feel accomplished, ever?
Dark.
Anyways, all of my courses next year are all philosophy courses except for one english studies course I am taking. I am retaking one of my 2nd year courses to get a better grade. I'm considering applying to graduate schools. I am going to apply to Queens university for their Masters in Philosophy. If I do not get into that school I am going to take a year off and then apply to other schools.
I feel like I am too young to graduate. I will be 21 this October, and therefore in April when I graduate, I will be 21. That's fucking young for an undergraduate. In the united states that is the legal drinking age. I feel like I have missed out on a major part of life. I have been craving a crazier life. I wish I had a solid 5 years of working a shit job, living in a big city, maybe in school part time or something, but just hitting drugs and alcohol hard like every weekend. I guess it doesn't have to be drugs, but just something more adventurous. I have lived in a shit town for 3 years now, and it is so uneventful I feel my livelyhood is just gone.
But I am going to have my undergrad, I have a serious boyfriend, I'm fucking thinking of starting a house savings plan this fall. Jesus.
Career wise I am not super set on what I am going to do, still. I am thinking about attempting to become a philosophy professor, if not a high school teacher. But the past few years I've still craved the idea of either owning a cafe, bar or strip club (out of these three, most likely the 2nd). Maybe owning a bar would give me that crazyness I've been craving.
Although I am not too sure how good of an idea owning a bar is. I am an alcoholic. I don't want to get super into it, but I have been sober for about 25 days now. I am not never drinking again, but just for a little while I am not going to. It's almost as a punishment for me just abusing the fuck out of alcohol. I know what my max is in a night of drinking, but I haven't quite learned that drinking 1-2 26ers of vodka + whatever beers and ciders is bad yet. Well I guess I have. I just need to drink less. I have lost weight already from quitting for a little bit. Oh well. Just another thing to make my life harder, I suppose.
Anyways, I have been craving adventure like crazy lately. I might be hitting up Manitoulin island soon with the boy. I literally went to a concert on Monday night and I feel bored already. I feel like I need something exciting every night. That has never been my experience of my desires before so it's kind of weird. My next day off I think I am going to hit up the local hiking spot/waterfall with my dog again like I did 2 weeks ago or so. I might be going to another concert in November.
It's just a problem too because I need to be buckling down and focusing on school and all I want to do is move out to British Columbia or California or some shit and just party and go on adventures.
I suppose I will have to figure it out. If anybody has any ideas as to how I can quench my thirst for excitement, be my guest and comment them below.
I wasn't too sure where this post was going to go, but I guess I feel I am done now.
Until next time,
Sarah
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
July's Overused Things
Apparently the only time I blog nowadays is for a monthly favourites post. That's depressing because I have so much more to offer to the internet other than material favourites. Oh well. Someday maybe I'll get back to blogging about more intelligent subjects.
App: POKEMON GO
Yes, I play it, yes it is fun. Shut up haters! I am not going to bother explaining it because it's all that has been in the media for apps nowadays.
Music: Melanie Martinez/Icon For Hire/Avenged Sevenfold
Specifically Melanie Martinez's song "Dead to Me" is probably my favourite for this month.
Movie: I Smile Back with Sarah Silverman. I love her as a comedian and this dramatic film is absolutely amazing with her in it. It is very dramatic and isn't a super long movie so if you're looking to experience a whirlwind of emotion in a short period of time, pick this movie. It is not super off of the rails, but there are a couple of scenes that make it a "psychological thriller". Although personally, I found this movie had no lessons to learn from it, it was still very good and I do recommend it.
Makeup Product: I get a monthly ipsy bag which is a bag of samples/full sized makeup products. I have been getting it for over a year and a half now. It is less in american dollars but with shipping and the exchange rate to Canada it is approx. $20 a month. I calculate the value of what I get in each bag and typically it is between 30-60$ worth, usually closer to $60. This month I got a nailpolish and although I'm generally not a fan of nude nailpolish colours, or the colour pink, I have pretty much had Trust Fund beauty's "No Filter" nailpolish on all month. Check it out!
Also if you're interested in joining ipsy, you can join here with my referral link: https://www.ipsy.com/new?cid=ppage_ref&sid=link&refer=2gwei
Food: I have been addicted Summer Fresh's roasted red pepper dip. I found eating it with carrots is the best combination. I may or may not have been known to have finished the whole thing of it in one sitting. Despite Summer Fresh products being carried in many places around where I live, I have only managed to find this specific flavour at Walmart.
Tech Product: Mophie Case
My iPhone 6 is slowly losing its fucking mind in terms of battery (not just because of Pokemon Go) but my mophie case is a life saver. I usually have to constantly charge my phone at work, and I hate having my phone plugged into an outlet, I like carrying it around while charging so this case is a life saver.
I suppose that's about all I can rack my brain for tonight. Surely I'll post some actual good content on this blog someday. A lot of things have been happening in my life, I just need to reflect on them more before I put it on the internet forever...
See you next month!
App: POKEMON GO
Yes, I play it, yes it is fun. Shut up haters! I am not going to bother explaining it because it's all that has been in the media for apps nowadays.
Music: Melanie Martinez/Icon For Hire/Avenged Sevenfold
Specifically Melanie Martinez's song "Dead to Me" is probably my favourite for this month.
Movie: I Smile Back with Sarah Silverman. I love her as a comedian and this dramatic film is absolutely amazing with her in it. It is very dramatic and isn't a super long movie so if you're looking to experience a whirlwind of emotion in a short period of time, pick this movie. It is not super off of the rails, but there are a couple of scenes that make it a "psychological thriller". Although personally, I found this movie had no lessons to learn from it, it was still very good and I do recommend it.
Makeup Product: I get a monthly ipsy bag which is a bag of samples/full sized makeup products. I have been getting it for over a year and a half now. It is less in american dollars but with shipping and the exchange rate to Canada it is approx. $20 a month. I calculate the value of what I get in each bag and typically it is between 30-60$ worth, usually closer to $60. This month I got a nailpolish and although I'm generally not a fan of nude nailpolish colours, or the colour pink, I have pretty much had Trust Fund beauty's "No Filter" nailpolish on all month. Check it out!
Also if you're interested in joining ipsy, you can join here with my referral link: https://www.ipsy.com/new?cid=ppage_ref&sid=link&refer=2gwei
Food: I have been addicted Summer Fresh's roasted red pepper dip. I found eating it with carrots is the best combination. I may or may not have been known to have finished the whole thing of it in one sitting. Despite Summer Fresh products being carried in many places around where I live, I have only managed to find this specific flavour at Walmart.
Tech Product: Mophie Case
My iPhone 6 is slowly losing its fucking mind in terms of battery (not just because of Pokemon Go) but my mophie case is a life saver. I usually have to constantly charge my phone at work, and I hate having my phone plugged into an outlet, I like carrying it around while charging so this case is a life saver.
I suppose that's about all I can rack my brain for tonight. Surely I'll post some actual good content on this blog someday. A lot of things have been happening in my life, I just need to reflect on them more before I put it on the internet forever...
Friday, July 1, 2016
June Favourites!
Although I am not going to use the same categories every month for my favourites, I will use some new ones, and add ones when there is something I have fallen in love with.
App: Sudoku
This app is pretty self explanatory, but I play it every night before bed. It helps me to fall asleep.
Music: David Bowie
I have been listening to David Bowie more and more lately and he is slowly becoming one of my favourites. My favourite song is probably
Rebel Rebel.
Food: Topper's Pizza's specialty pizza Thai Sensation. This pizza is so delicious, probably a third after my absolute favourites, Hawaiian pizza and pizza with mushrooms, green pepper and ham.
Makeup Product: Revlon's Holographic Pearls Nailpolish!
If you haven't here of holo nailpolish, you haven't been living yet. I am not a sparkly person but holographic nailpolish is like a rainbow of sparkly on your fingers. I've used it on black nailpolish and on tan nailpolish and both look amazing.
Piece of Clothing: I have these pleather shorts I ordered from Forever 21 last year. They just so happen to be my only pair of work appropriate shorts, but I love them so much. They are comfy, except for the fact that they make a small squeaking noise when you walk (hey they're pleather) but I think I spent like $10 on them. They were lost in my closet until recently.
Meme: I collect memes on my phone over the month, just because. So here is one of my favourites that I saved this month.
Youtube Channel: JacksFilms
I have been watching a lot more youtube this month than movies and documentaries, mostly just watching all of JacksFilms' YIAY videos. They're really good, check them out. Runners up: Cringe collections and Raw Alignment.
DOG:
I HAVE A DOG. REPEAT: I HAVE A DOG. His name is Riley, he just turned one year old and he is a goldendoodle. They aren't my favourite breed or anything, but he was a free dog. We traded our rabbit to my boyfriend's parents in exchange for Riley because Riley was becoming too much work for their family but is perfect for ours. He is such a mophead and is still learning, so he is much like a puppy right now. But he is pretty big, he is approximately 60lbs.
My favourite Pin: I haven't tried this yet, but I literally watch the office everyday, so I probably should.
See you next month!
App: Sudoku
This app is pretty self explanatory, but I play it every night before bed. It helps me to fall asleep.
Music: David Bowie
Rebel Rebel.
Food: Topper's Pizza's specialty pizza Thai Sensation. This pizza is so delicious, probably a third after my absolute favourites, Hawaiian pizza and pizza with mushrooms, green pepper and ham.
Makeup Product: Revlon's Holographic Pearls Nailpolish!
If you haven't here of holo nailpolish, you haven't been living yet. I am not a sparkly person but holographic nailpolish is like a rainbow of sparkly on your fingers. I've used it on black nailpolish and on tan nailpolish and both look amazing.
Piece of Clothing: I have these pleather shorts I ordered from Forever 21 last year. They just so happen to be my only pair of work appropriate shorts, but I love them so much. They are comfy, except for the fact that they make a small squeaking noise when you walk (hey they're pleather) but I think I spent like $10 on them. They were lost in my closet until recently.
Meme: I collect memes on my phone over the month, just because. So here is one of my favourites that I saved this month.
Youtube Channel: JacksFilms
I have been watching a lot more youtube this month than movies and documentaries, mostly just watching all of JacksFilms' YIAY videos. They're really good, check them out. Runners up: Cringe collections and Raw Alignment.
DOG:
I HAVE A DOG. REPEAT: I HAVE A DOG. His name is Riley, he just turned one year old and he is a goldendoodle. They aren't my favourite breed or anything, but he was a free dog. We traded our rabbit to my boyfriend's parents in exchange for Riley because Riley was becoming too much work for their family but is perfect for ours. He is such a mophead and is still learning, so he is much like a puppy right now. But he is pretty big, he is approximately 60lbs.
My favourite Pin: I haven't tried this yet, but I literally watch the office everyday, so I probably should.
See you next month!
Monday, June 6, 2016
Recommendations for May!
May Favourites?
Inspired by some of the makeup gurus I occasionally watch on youtube, I am going to start doing monthly "Favourites" of things I have enjoyed the past month. Why should you care, you ask? Because obviously I am an expert of all things absolutely amazing. Actually, it is because sometimes I just love things so much I need to tell everyone about them. Here's the rule though: I will never just post something that I like but haven't really used or can't really say much about. I'll actually write about new things or things I am actually enjoying that month. So here goes!
App:
"BBuzzArt"
It can be accessed here. I just started using it recently. Basically, it is a social media platform for artists. I love just looking through every once in a while and it makes me feel like I actually care about culturally significant creativity, as opposed to just scrolling through Instagram looking at people's selfies. You can save things to a bookmark and look at them later, which is probably my favourite part so I can look back at things I like and get a second glance at them.
Movie:
"Dogtooth"
If you are a lover of weird/creepy movies that really make you think, psychological thrillers and whatnot and do not mind subtitles, watch Dogtooth. It is essentially about this alternative family/universe/something that is fairly controlled by the father of the household but they all seem to be willing participants in the weirdness of it all. Different words are given different meanings, for example the word "Zombie" means "small yellow flower". It is very odd, very sexual, and probably one of my top 5 favourite movies of all time. Although if you don't like weird, creepy, sexual movies that make you think, you will hate it. Just to give you a small sense of what it is about, I found out about it after asking a friend "what is a movie I can watch that is going to fuck me up while drunk". Here's the Trailer:
Documentary:
"Requiem for the American Dream"
If you enjoy philosophy, Noam Chomsky or things that make you think, watch this. Noam Chomsky is a very interesting intellectual and I have been interested him more and more lately, so when this documentary got added to Netflix, I watched it in the week.
Music:
The band I can't stop listening to: Evanescence
There is no particular reason. Just every time the last few weeks that I have wanted to listen to something in the background, it has just been all of Evanescence's discography on shuffle.
The song I can't stop listening to: Avenged Sevenfold: I Won't See You Tonight Part 2
(disclaimer, this song makes me cry half of the time but is totally worth the listen)
Runner Up: Melanie Martinez
Almost every time I am doing my makeup, I have put on Melanie Martinez.
Food:
I have been absolutely 100% addicted to Tim Hortons french onion soup. I have been super close to calling up all of the Tim Hortons in my area just to find out which one has it so I can go there and get it. As far as french onion soup goes, it is pretty good, considering the price especially.
My advice? Before you leave, check to make sure they have put the cheese and breading in before you leave if you are getting takeout because they just have the onion and broth on at all times, and forgot to put in the cheese and bread once. It was still good, but it was very depressing.
Drink: I found a hard root beer that is absolutely delicious. Try it for yourself if you can find it. It is by a brand called "Crazy Uncle" and it does not taste alcoholic whatsoever. I really want to make a root beer float with it. Fucking A+.
Instagram Account:
Whenever I am bored, at work, at a party, whatever I always pull up this account and show everybody. Essentially it is just very poorly done and hilarious tattoos. Some of them are well done and sexual, which I feel like this account shouldn't post, but the sexual and terribly done ones are absolutely hilarious.
Makeup:
NYX Liquid Suede Cream Lipstick in the Shade Sandstorm
NYX products are becoming more popular in Canada now which is awesome. I got one of these tubes in my Ipsy Bag a month or two ago in the shade "Kitten Heels" which is a super bright red colour, which I don't wear bright red lips too often, although this is now my go-to for when I do want red lips. I also own this product in the shade "Sway" which is a bright purple colour. I have yet to have the opportunity to wear this shade, and hope to wear it to a party or event soon. It is too dramatic to just wear to work. I have been absolutely in love with nude shades of lip products and definitely own too many but this product in the shade Sandstorm is definitely my favourite so far. This product goes on very thick and I find it does not smudge or come off too easily and I don't have to re-apply to often throughout the day.
http://www.nyxcosmetics.ca/en_CA/liquid-suede-cream-lipstick/NYX_201.html?cgid=lipgloss
Clothing?
I have a pair of Pineapple shoes. They are awesome and make my mood 100x better when I wear them. They were $5 and I bought them back in January and have been waiting very patiently for the snow to be gone so I can wear them. I bought them from West 49. Sometimes if I am feeling especially fruity, I will pair them with my orange socks.
Alright. That is it for now. I am going to attempt to write more often. I am taking two online courses this summer from June 20th until whenever 6 weeks after that is, mostly just for shits and giggles. I don't need to take them. One is a visual arts credit called "Sex in Art" and the other is a Gender Studies credit called "Social Activism in art". Apparently I am getting artsy.
Let me know if you try any of these things that I have loved so much in May (and currently) and what you think in the comments.
Until next time,
Sarah
Inspired by some of the makeup gurus I occasionally watch on youtube, I am going to start doing monthly "Favourites" of things I have enjoyed the past month. Why should you care, you ask? Because obviously I am an expert of all things absolutely amazing. Actually, it is because sometimes I just love things so much I need to tell everyone about them. Here's the rule though: I will never just post something that I like but haven't really used or can't really say much about. I'll actually write about new things or things I am actually enjoying that month. So here goes!
App:
"BBuzzArt"
It can be accessed here. I just started using it recently. Basically, it is a social media platform for artists. I love just looking through every once in a while and it makes me feel like I actually care about culturally significant creativity, as opposed to just scrolling through Instagram looking at people's selfies. You can save things to a bookmark and look at them later, which is probably my favourite part so I can look back at things I like and get a second glance at them.
Movie:
"Dogtooth"
If you are a lover of weird/creepy movies that really make you think, psychological thrillers and whatnot and do not mind subtitles, watch Dogtooth. It is essentially about this alternative family/universe/something that is fairly controlled by the father of the household but they all seem to be willing participants in the weirdness of it all. Different words are given different meanings, for example the word "Zombie" means "small yellow flower". It is very odd, very sexual, and probably one of my top 5 favourite movies of all time. Although if you don't like weird, creepy, sexual movies that make you think, you will hate it. Just to give you a small sense of what it is about, I found out about it after asking a friend "what is a movie I can watch that is going to fuck me up while drunk". Here's the Trailer:
Documentary:
"Requiem for the American Dream"
If you enjoy philosophy, Noam Chomsky or things that make you think, watch this. Noam Chomsky is a very interesting intellectual and I have been interested him more and more lately, so when this documentary got added to Netflix, I watched it in the week.
Music:
The band I can't stop listening to: Evanescence
There is no particular reason. Just every time the last few weeks that I have wanted to listen to something in the background, it has just been all of Evanescence's discography on shuffle.
The song I can't stop listening to: Avenged Sevenfold: I Won't See You Tonight Part 2
(disclaimer, this song makes me cry half of the time but is totally worth the listen)
Runner Up: Melanie Martinez
Almost every time I am doing my makeup, I have put on Melanie Martinez.
Food:
I have been absolutely 100% addicted to Tim Hortons french onion soup. I have been super close to calling up all of the Tim Hortons in my area just to find out which one has it so I can go there and get it. As far as french onion soup goes, it is pretty good, considering the price especially.
My advice? Before you leave, check to make sure they have put the cheese and breading in before you leave if you are getting takeout because they just have the onion and broth on at all times, and forgot to put in the cheese and bread once. It was still good, but it was very depressing.
Drink: I found a hard root beer that is absolutely delicious. Try it for yourself if you can find it. It is by a brand called "Crazy Uncle" and it does not taste alcoholic whatsoever. I really want to make a root beer float with it. Fucking A+.
Instagram Account:
NYX Liquid Suede Cream Lipstick in the Shade Sandstorm
NYX products are becoming more popular in Canada now which is awesome. I got one of these tubes in my Ipsy Bag a month or two ago in the shade "Kitten Heels" which is a super bright red colour, which I don't wear bright red lips too often, although this is now my go-to for when I do want red lips. I also own this product in the shade "Sway" which is a bright purple colour. I have yet to have the opportunity to wear this shade, and hope to wear it to a party or event soon. It is too dramatic to just wear to work. I have been absolutely in love with nude shades of lip products and definitely own too many but this product in the shade Sandstorm is definitely my favourite so far. This product goes on very thick and I find it does not smudge or come off too easily and I don't have to re-apply to often throughout the day.
http://www.nyxcosmetics.ca/en_CA/liquid-suede-cream-lipstick/NYX_201.html?cgid=lipgloss
Clothing?
I have a pair of Pineapple shoes. They are awesome and make my mood 100x better when I wear them. They were $5 and I bought them back in January and have been waiting very patiently for the snow to be gone so I can wear them. I bought them from West 49. Sometimes if I am feeling especially fruity, I will pair them with my orange socks.
Alright. That is it for now. I am going to attempt to write more often. I am taking two online courses this summer from June 20th until whenever 6 weeks after that is, mostly just for shits and giggles. I don't need to take them. One is a visual arts credit called "Sex in Art" and the other is a Gender Studies credit called "Social Activism in art". Apparently I am getting artsy.
Let me know if you try any of these things that I have loved so much in May (and currently) and what you think in the comments.
Until next time,
Sarah
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
I DON'T KNOW!
I only know that I do not know. Thank-you Socrates for giving me this.
As a philosophy major, I recognize the lack of importance of philosophy majors, as well as the need for them. In general I would encourage people to not necessarily major in philosophy in university (let alone go to university, let's face it, college is the job-maker nowadays). But I do consistently encourage people to spend their spare time studying philosophy. It is super important to maintain both sane and embrace your insanity at the same time.
I find myself consistently learning and embracing the one thing I have known since philosophy in high school: Socrates proclaiming "I only know that I do not know". If you are unfamiliar with this quote, essentially it is interpreted as meaning that essentially everything is uncertain and everything s questionable, therefore the only truth that is knowable is that you do not know.
I hate this quote and love it and live my life by it because every time I learn something new I bring skepticism to the table which makes everything 100x harder but makes everything 1000x more worth studying due to the unknowingness of it.
My point about this quote is that it does bring a certain amount of frustration to my life. I feel since I have learned of this quote and the philosophies surrounding it, that I have become more frustrated and more uncomfortable with everything I encounter in life. Not to say that this is necessarily a bad thing, just that it is different and makes life harder to counter on a daily basis.
So why mention this quote now? Because I don't know.
I really just don't know. It is not about facts and what is learned in books, it is about the way I conduct my life and the method in which I will earn money. I think the most valuable lesson I have learned in university thus-far (other than certain aspects of philosophy) is the importance of survival and the responsibility it takes. Yes, I am 20, I am a youngun, but seriously, I work part-time at a local store and part-time at the local library and essentially scrape together rent, my phone bill, insurance, etc., and have some money left over for non-essentials (usually clothes and makeup... whoops). Money is not my strong suit but sometimes you just have to fucking get by. I know so many people not in school just dragging themselves along in part-time minimum wage jobs, that get you nowhere. I want a house someday, and if I don't find success with the education I am trying to complete, that is impossible.
Minimum wage is definitely not enough. You CAN survive but you CANNOT be a middle class family, owning a home, paying it off over 25 years, maybe having a kid or two and retiring. That makes me sad. Oh how I envy the Scandinavian countries. I would move to Denmark if it was not for the fact that I value warm weather more and would much rather live in a place with no cold ever, or at least British Columbia (reminder, I am Canadian, and do not necessarily want to leave my country). I don't know.
I don't know.
I really don't fucking know.
I am trying to pull myself together this summer. I am catching up on certain books of philosophy I have yet to experience to the fullest, attempting to bring myself to start writing a book I have had bumbling around in my mind the past while, and trying to get more active and eat healthy again.
Bleh.
Life sucks and then you die.
See you soon (people who still follow my blog, I love you guys).
I wish I wrote more on here. But sometimes I just forget, or don't find the time. I haven't given up yet, fuckers. Love y'all. Fuck I hate myself for saying y'all. Someone stone me, please?
As a philosophy major, I recognize the lack of importance of philosophy majors, as well as the need for them. In general I would encourage people to not necessarily major in philosophy in university (let alone go to university, let's face it, college is the job-maker nowadays). But I do consistently encourage people to spend their spare time studying philosophy. It is super important to maintain both sane and embrace your insanity at the same time.
I find myself consistently learning and embracing the one thing I have known since philosophy in high school: Socrates proclaiming "I only know that I do not know". If you are unfamiliar with this quote, essentially it is interpreted as meaning that essentially everything is uncertain and everything s questionable, therefore the only truth that is knowable is that you do not know.
I hate this quote and love it and live my life by it because every time I learn something new I bring skepticism to the table which makes everything 100x harder but makes everything 1000x more worth studying due to the unknowingness of it.
My point about this quote is that it does bring a certain amount of frustration to my life. I feel since I have learned of this quote and the philosophies surrounding it, that I have become more frustrated and more uncomfortable with everything I encounter in life. Not to say that this is necessarily a bad thing, just that it is different and makes life harder to counter on a daily basis.
So why mention this quote now? Because I don't know.
I really just don't know. It is not about facts and what is learned in books, it is about the way I conduct my life and the method in which I will earn money. I think the most valuable lesson I have learned in university thus-far (other than certain aspects of philosophy) is the importance of survival and the responsibility it takes. Yes, I am 20, I am a youngun, but seriously, I work part-time at a local store and part-time at the local library and essentially scrape together rent, my phone bill, insurance, etc., and have some money left over for non-essentials (usually clothes and makeup... whoops). Money is not my strong suit but sometimes you just have to fucking get by. I know so many people not in school just dragging themselves along in part-time minimum wage jobs, that get you nowhere. I want a house someday, and if I don't find success with the education I am trying to complete, that is impossible.
Minimum wage is definitely not enough. You CAN survive but you CANNOT be a middle class family, owning a home, paying it off over 25 years, maybe having a kid or two and retiring. That makes me sad. Oh how I envy the Scandinavian countries. I would move to Denmark if it was not for the fact that I value warm weather more and would much rather live in a place with no cold ever, or at least British Columbia (reminder, I am Canadian, and do not necessarily want to leave my country). I don't know.
I don't know.
I really don't fucking know.
I am trying to pull myself together this summer. I am catching up on certain books of philosophy I have yet to experience to the fullest, attempting to bring myself to start writing a book I have had bumbling around in my mind the past while, and trying to get more active and eat healthy again.
Bleh.
Life sucks and then you die.
See you soon (people who still follow my blog, I love you guys).
I wish I wrote more on here. But sometimes I just forget, or don't find the time. I haven't given up yet, fuckers. Love y'all. Fuck I hate myself for saying y'all. Someone stone me, please?
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Oh Hey! I'm alive.
2 essays
1 take home exam
1 final
until I'm done 3rd year university.
I've neglected my blog due to philosophical disability (i.e., writing too many essays for my philosophy major). Also 1 too many dogmatic slumbers. HAHAHA okay no. Seriously.
So whats new?
I have a new tattoo, a new apartment, a new understanding of my personal undisclosed handicaps, and I am broke as fuck (but I suppose that is not totally new).
After this upcoming Friday, I will be done 3rd year and I will begin to focus on new things for the summer. Since this *might* be my last summer without an official full-time adult job, depending on whatever the hell life is going to throw at me, I want to use the extra time I have from being unable to get a job anywhere ever because of the lack of jobs where I live, to write.
I want to keep up with my blog, as per usual. I want to write a novel as well, or at least start to. I have a growing list of ideas for books. I'm not too sure what I'm going to do, but that is what the summer is for. The third thing I want to work on this summer is an academic paper. I want to write something and attempt to get it published into a student academic journal. I'm thinking something related to the Kama Sutras, but I am not 100% on what I am doing there yet, either.
I've actually been doing some thinking on it and have been considering applying to schools for a masters in philosophy once I am done my undergraduate degree. I am almost 100% sure I am applying to the program at Queens University for the fall of 2017, but if I do not get in I am going to redouble my efforts and apply to schools in British Columbia for the following year, or the year after that and move out west with the love of my life. I need warmth and a change of scenery. Canada does not really do it for me, but British Columbia seems just so beautiful, I want to go to there. (30 Rock reference)
If I decide to do a PhD, if I do a masters degree, I'd love to do it in California. But that's way into the future and I've realized I need to stop looking that far ahead with a microscopic perspective upon life. I don't live in the moment, but I also don't want to live just thinking into the future. This is a problem for me, actually. I am always thinking ahead way too far and it gives me anxiety for today. Will I be with the love of my life in 5 years? Will I be dead? Will I be in school? Have a job? I need to stop thinking like this and just put effort into now.
The problem with this type of thinking is that it is totally contradictory to my philosophy in life. I am pretty much a huge nihilist. To quote the T.V. show Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, "The trick is not caring whether you live or die". Kimmy Schmidt is an overbearing optimist, so coming from her, this is kind of an amazing quote. I am a huge pessimist but I am trying to just be a realist instead of just negative. I am not into all of the positivity and meditation that millennials are suddenly super interested in all of a sudden, although there are good lessons in the philosophies. I just know that if I keep acting so negative that I am not even going to be living anymore. I'll just slowly become a part of my bed and never get up again. Which is depressing as fuck, but hey, I warned you how negative I am.
The biggest thing with functioning nihilists is to find meaning in your life, usually for most people this just means doing what makes you happy. Unfortunately, what makes me happy is literally doing nothing, which too much of this makes me unhappy. So I need balance. But the problem with "needing" and "wanting" is that it just disables you from being happy, ever, because then you just enter a never-ending cycle of desiring. Now I am preaching buddhist philosophies, apparently, but I think it to be a true idea. Desire is just... I don't really want to get into this right now. But essentially desire is what makes the world go around.
I'm trying to re-embrace my nihilism and have been putting a lot of energy into thinking about it. Most people meditate on positivity, I just meditate on my nihilism. I always find myself going back over my old philosophies from since I was maybe 16 and analyzing them again and deciding whether I still believe in these philosophies. At one point atheism was my most important philosophy because I meditated on it all of the time. I am still an atheist right now, but I probably could not defend to you as well as I could've 3 years ago exactly why I am because I haven't meditated on it in a while. I could much better defend why I am a nihilist to you because I have been thinking on it more, and recently read some Nietzsche and Schopenhauer too, which helps.
Anyways I still cannot fucking spell Nietzsche on the first fucking try and I am three years into my philosophy degree, so that fucking shows a lot. But I did spell Schopenhauer right on the first try just then. Jesus fucking christ.
Anyways. I suppose that is all. I have no idea where the hell I was going with this post, but I sure did go no where. Haha, like life, am I right?
Eh. Who knows. Who cares.
Peace. Find eternal bliss in pizza. Amen.
1 take home exam
1 final
until I'm done 3rd year university.
I've neglected my blog due to philosophical disability (i.e., writing too many essays for my philosophy major). Also 1 too many dogmatic slumbers. HAHAHA okay no. Seriously.
So whats new?
I have a new tattoo, a new apartment, a new understanding of my personal undisclosed handicaps, and I am broke as fuck (but I suppose that is not totally new).
After this upcoming Friday, I will be done 3rd year and I will begin to focus on new things for the summer. Since this *might* be my last summer without an official full-time adult job, depending on whatever the hell life is going to throw at me, I want to use the extra time I have from being unable to get a job anywhere ever because of the lack of jobs where I live, to write.
I want to keep up with my blog, as per usual. I want to write a novel as well, or at least start to. I have a growing list of ideas for books. I'm not too sure what I'm going to do, but that is what the summer is for. The third thing I want to work on this summer is an academic paper. I want to write something and attempt to get it published into a student academic journal. I'm thinking something related to the Kama Sutras, but I am not 100% on what I am doing there yet, either.
I've actually been doing some thinking on it and have been considering applying to schools for a masters in philosophy once I am done my undergraduate degree. I am almost 100% sure I am applying to the program at Queens University for the fall of 2017, but if I do not get in I am going to redouble my efforts and apply to schools in British Columbia for the following year, or the year after that and move out west with the love of my life. I need warmth and a change of scenery. Canada does not really do it for me, but British Columbia seems just so beautiful, I want to go to there. (30 Rock reference)
If I decide to do a PhD, if I do a masters degree, I'd love to do it in California. But that's way into the future and I've realized I need to stop looking that far ahead with a microscopic perspective upon life. I don't live in the moment, but I also don't want to live just thinking into the future. This is a problem for me, actually. I am always thinking ahead way too far and it gives me anxiety for today. Will I be with the love of my life in 5 years? Will I be dead? Will I be in school? Have a job? I need to stop thinking like this and just put effort into now.
The problem with this type of thinking is that it is totally contradictory to my philosophy in life. I am pretty much a huge nihilist. To quote the T.V. show Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, "The trick is not caring whether you live or die". Kimmy Schmidt is an overbearing optimist, so coming from her, this is kind of an amazing quote. I am a huge pessimist but I am trying to just be a realist instead of just negative. I am not into all of the positivity and meditation that millennials are suddenly super interested in all of a sudden, although there are good lessons in the philosophies. I just know that if I keep acting so negative that I am not even going to be living anymore. I'll just slowly become a part of my bed and never get up again. Which is depressing as fuck, but hey, I warned you how negative I am.
The biggest thing with functioning nihilists is to find meaning in your life, usually for most people this just means doing what makes you happy. Unfortunately, what makes me happy is literally doing nothing, which too much of this makes me unhappy. So I need balance. But the problem with "needing" and "wanting" is that it just disables you from being happy, ever, because then you just enter a never-ending cycle of desiring. Now I am preaching buddhist philosophies, apparently, but I think it to be a true idea. Desire is just... I don't really want to get into this right now. But essentially desire is what makes the world go around.
I'm trying to re-embrace my nihilism and have been putting a lot of energy into thinking about it. Most people meditate on positivity, I just meditate on my nihilism. I always find myself going back over my old philosophies from since I was maybe 16 and analyzing them again and deciding whether I still believe in these philosophies. At one point atheism was my most important philosophy because I meditated on it all of the time. I am still an atheist right now, but I probably could not defend to you as well as I could've 3 years ago exactly why I am because I haven't meditated on it in a while. I could much better defend why I am a nihilist to you because I have been thinking on it more, and recently read some Nietzsche and Schopenhauer too, which helps.
Anyways I still cannot fucking spell Nietzsche on the first fucking try and I am three years into my philosophy degree, so that fucking shows a lot. But I did spell Schopenhauer right on the first try just then. Jesus fucking christ.
Anyways. I suppose that is all. I have no idea where the hell I was going with this post, but I sure did go no where. Haha, like life, am I right?
Eh. Who knows. Who cares.
Peace. Find eternal bliss in pizza. Amen.
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Updates + Happy New Year!
It has been quite a while now, hasn't it?
Let's just get into it. What's new with me? Firstly, I have started drinking more responsibly. It's really hard for me. What I mean by responsibly is that I am only drinking when it is socially acceptable to drink. In other words, no more getting drunk at random parts of the day, no more drinking alone, and no more drinking too much that I can't function. It's hard for me because I am so used to just drinking whenever I want. I realized it's not healthy and so I've stopped doing that.
I decided to just become a philosophy major instead of doing my double major with psychology. It is for a number of reasons, but the main reason is that I have pretty much decided I want to get my masters in philosophy. I am not in love with psychology as much as I used to be. I still love it, it's just not enough for me to want to major in it in university any longer. So when I graduate (hopefully in 2017) I will have an honours (again, hopefully) BA in philosophy with a double-minor in english studies and psychology. Perfect.
What else... oh, I have been finding it hard to hit the gym as much as I used to. Again, it's because I am quite busy. Although I've realized that half of the time I say I'm busy I'm really not and I could just change my priorities. Although I have been procrastinating everything in my life lately so now that I am changing my priorities, my priority right now is finishing my 3 essays due in a week, which is what I will be doing after I publish this post. The first essay I am working on will be the hardest, I am breaking down and identifying fallacies in correspondence and/or coherence theories of truth. Yeah, it'll be difficult. I am also writing a paper on the yin yang symbol, essentially talking about how it has been reappropriated, the history of the symbol, what it means, etc. The final essay I am writing is for my criminal justice class I have and it's just talking about psychopathy in criminals and whatnot. That one will be super easy.
I'm so excited to start next semester as my first semester with just philosophy courses. I am taking the second half of my Eastern philosophy, modern philosophy and reason and logical argument classes and also taking a political science class on power that counts as a philosophy course and a topics course in philosophy on security. It should be a more enjoyable semester.
Anyways. I thought I'd leave you with something I wrote down the other day on a sticky note:
"A lack of certainty is the same as strength. To be uncertain and maintain composure is the most noble way of becoming stronger"
Just a bit of a thinker.
Talk soon,
Sarah
Let's just get into it. What's new with me? Firstly, I have started drinking more responsibly. It's really hard for me. What I mean by responsibly is that I am only drinking when it is socially acceptable to drink. In other words, no more getting drunk at random parts of the day, no more drinking alone, and no more drinking too much that I can't function. It's hard for me because I am so used to just drinking whenever I want. I realized it's not healthy and so I've stopped doing that.
I decided to just become a philosophy major instead of doing my double major with psychology. It is for a number of reasons, but the main reason is that I have pretty much decided I want to get my masters in philosophy. I am not in love with psychology as much as I used to be. I still love it, it's just not enough for me to want to major in it in university any longer. So when I graduate (hopefully in 2017) I will have an honours (again, hopefully) BA in philosophy with a double-minor in english studies and psychology. Perfect.
What else... oh, I have been finding it hard to hit the gym as much as I used to. Again, it's because I am quite busy. Although I've realized that half of the time I say I'm busy I'm really not and I could just change my priorities. Although I have been procrastinating everything in my life lately so now that I am changing my priorities, my priority right now is finishing my 3 essays due in a week, which is what I will be doing after I publish this post. The first essay I am working on will be the hardest, I am breaking down and identifying fallacies in correspondence and/or coherence theories of truth. Yeah, it'll be difficult. I am also writing a paper on the yin yang symbol, essentially talking about how it has been reappropriated, the history of the symbol, what it means, etc. The final essay I am writing is for my criminal justice class I have and it's just talking about psychopathy in criminals and whatnot. That one will be super easy.
I'm so excited to start next semester as my first semester with just philosophy courses. I am taking the second half of my Eastern philosophy, modern philosophy and reason and logical argument classes and also taking a political science class on power that counts as a philosophy course and a topics course in philosophy on security. It should be a more enjoyable semester.
Anyways. I thought I'd leave you with something I wrote down the other day on a sticky note:
"A lack of certainty is the same as strength. To be uncertain and maintain composure is the most noble way of becoming stronger"
Just a bit of a thinker.
Talk soon,
Sarah
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