Time to revisit this thought.
In the class I peer tutor, we've been talking about eating disorders and body image. I relate to this a lot, and therefore have been thinking about it a lot.
In past blog posts I have talked about my struggles with body image and food, but I have a lot to add, now.
I've struggled with having a negative body image since about grade 8. You hit this stage once or even more than once during puberty where you start gaining more body fat. In grade 8 I used to wear a lot of skinny jeans and I felt okay about myself, but I always sort of thought in the back of my mind that I should be aware of this part of my life when I start gaining weight, so I can counteract it by exercising and dieting.
I started thinking about dieting in about grade 6 or 7. I remember one day I just thought "If I eat fat, I'll get fat!" so I thought I should restrict the amount of fat I take in by looking at nutrition labels. I had no idea how much fat I was supposed to have, so I think I made up some random number like limiting my fat to 20g a day, or something like that. My mom saw me looking at a label on some cookies at my grandma's house, and asked me what I was doing, I told her, and she said that fat really isn't a huge part of losing weight. So I stopped looking at labels.
Until a year or so after that, I was on yahoo.ca and I saw this article that was titled something like "The best way to lose weight", so I clicked on it. Essentially it just said that calories are essential to watch, when you are trying to lose weight.
So there began the counting of calories. I never knew that counting calories could actually be a bad thing, because I thought I was just being healthy by watching it.
But then I remember getting closer to grade 8 grad, and limiting my calories more and more. I found a website that told me I should have about 1,600 calories. I read somewhere else that you need at least 1,200 calories (as a girl) to be able to function somewhat healthily. I read somewhere else that you require 800 calories in a day to live. As I got closer to grad, my calorie intake of 1,600 was soon limited to 1,200, but 1,100, wouldn't hurt, so I strived for that.
Just so you know, this is what I looked like at grade 8 grad (on the left):
I was probably about 5'5'' and somewhere around 100-110 pounds (I forget).
I am naturally skinny, naturally thin I should say. I saw pictures from my childhood, and I looked thin. I never really had that baby fat thing going on when I was 3/4 that kids usually lose. I never really was chubby at all. But I actually did find a few photos of me when I was 7/8 and my stomach was a little chubby. So maybe I am not naturally skinny?
I know I did lose weight during this time. I forget how much, but at one point I remember seeing the scale, and whatever the number was, it freaked the hell out of me (but really, it was a normal number, it's just since I was growing, I was gaining weight). I do remember that I got my weight down to 102. I think I saw a number like 112-115. I was 12 or 13.
Then high school started. The counting calories became insane. I had so many foods calories memorized. I wrote it down. Frequently throughout grade 9 and most of grade 10, you would probably be able to ask me how many calories I ate that day, and I could tell you a pretty precise number.
It got worse though. Even though I ate the right amount of calories (usually), I started going insane counting calories. I would look up calorie info on my phone and my laptop when nobody was looking. One time, I even went to the extent of taking the recipe my mom was making for supper, typing in all of the ingredients, and figuring out exactly how many calories were in it, and how much I would eat based on this.
My mom didn't ever really notice what I was doing. When we went shopping at the grocery store, I would go down aisles by myself, so I could look at all of the boxes of cereal, etc., so I could compare calorie amounts and get the best box.
I usually tried to eat 1,600 calories, but I did lower it to 1,500 and 1,400 time to time when I got more scared I was gaining weight.
I don't think I ever obsessively weighed myself.
Then there is exercise. In grade 8 or 9 I discovered that there were workout videos online. I was too ashamed to tell my mom I was doing them, so I would do them when my mom wasn't home. I soon started riding my bike a lot too.
I didn't excessively exercise, but combined with the food I was eating, I definitely wasn't doing my body too good.
I wasn't really anorexic, ever. But I wasn't healthy, that is for sure.
It is good to count calories and workout, but you can't be obsessive about it.
The only times I ever actually starved myself, were on days I was either wearing a dress (semi-formals, grade 8 grad, etc.) and when I went to the beach. I did this so I wouldn't be "Bloated" and I would look thinner just for the day.
My friends didn't notice, or at least they didn't say anything, when it was really bad. In grade 10 I feel like they noticed more, but I was slowly getting out of my bad habits at this point. I wasn't out of them completely, but I was slowly getting out of them.
Although I was eating the right amount of calories, and working out a decent amount towards the end of grade 10 and beginning of grade 11. I did try to be bulimic. I attempted probably 5-10 times in my life, to throw up my food if I thought I ate too much. I couldn't do it though. I tried so many different methods, but for whatever reason, I wouldn't allow myself to. I knew what I was doing, and I knew the consequences. I like to think that my subconscious just wouldn't let me.
In February 2012, (in grade 11) I joined the gym. Finally. I decided that food wasn't cutting it, and I would have to workout more. I honestly was very healthy about dieting at this point.
Most of the time from February 2012-now, I was pretty good.
Although I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder, counting calories obsessively can be considered a form of anorexia.
I had relapses of eating problems. I stopped counting calories by this point. But I did have eating problems still. Just last year.
If I missed a day at the gym, or I felt like I didn't have a good gym session, I wouldn't eat as much as I was going to. I would still eat, just not as much.
I feel like some people may think that I workout too much. I did have some days at the gym where I would just go completely crazy and workout really intensely. I go to the gym 5-6 times a week, for 1.5-2 hours. I usually do 45 minutes of cardio, and the rest of the time is weight training.
At one point I claimed I was "cured" of my eating problems, because I didn't want the number on the scale to drop anymore. I wanted it to go up because I wanted to gain muscle. So when I hit 127 pounds, I was happy! But I actually dropped back down to 117, which I was sad about. But then I realized I just lost body fat %.
Learning about body fat % is definitely not my best friend. Your body fat % is the % of body fat in your body, compared to your weight. I have become obsessed with this, within the past 5-6 months. I am trying to lower my body fat % and gain muscle. This, I don't want to call an eating disorder, and I don't have a negative body image anymore. This is just a body goal I have, that I am working towards in a healthy manor. 95% of the time.
The thing is I am still not 100% "Cured" as I once thought. Trying to get my body fat % down means that I eat less carbs, or burn more calories/fat. This is hard for me because I eat so much (not too much, just a lot). I want to have a nice set of abs, which I can tell I have abs, it's just my body fat is too high to be able to see them. I want to be able to see my abs. But I can't.
This still isn't the point. My point is that on occasion, I am really stupid about food. I eat everyday, I eat a LOT everyday. Sometimes if I miss the gym, I will eat less, which I guess isn't totally bad, because I do eat extra food to be able to work harder at the gym.
The problem is with running. I will go for a big run, and I won't feel like eating. I will think "I just burned 1,200 calories! Awesome! That's like half a pound!" then I won't eat. YOU NEED TO EAT AFTER YOU RUN. It doesn't help that you physically aren't that hungry after you run. I need to force myself to eat after I run. You need to eat to replenish your EVERYTHING so you can function and rest and heal properly.
I am mostly fine now. But I still on occasion look at my body, and I think my stomach has too much fat, or my butt, or my thighs. I look at my arms and think I'm a twig. I just can't win like this.
My doctor told me I am healthy. My mom thought I was working out too much. I told my doctor and she just said "That's a lot" and that "I wouldn't have that kind of time in university". She called my body type "slim".
Oh, and with my body fat %, I keep avoiding figuring it out, because I hate seeing it. I hate doing my body fat % because the number changes so frequently, and if it goes up, it drives me crazy.
In the class I peer tutor, we've been talking about eating disorders and body image. I relate to this a lot, and therefore have been thinking about it a lot.
In past blog posts I have talked about my struggles with body image and food, but I have a lot to add, now.
I've struggled with having a negative body image since about grade 8. You hit this stage once or even more than once during puberty where you start gaining more body fat. In grade 8 I used to wear a lot of skinny jeans and I felt okay about myself, but I always sort of thought in the back of my mind that I should be aware of this part of my life when I start gaining weight, so I can counteract it by exercising and dieting.
I started thinking about dieting in about grade 6 or 7. I remember one day I just thought "If I eat fat, I'll get fat!" so I thought I should restrict the amount of fat I take in by looking at nutrition labels. I had no idea how much fat I was supposed to have, so I think I made up some random number like limiting my fat to 20g a day, or something like that. My mom saw me looking at a label on some cookies at my grandma's house, and asked me what I was doing, I told her, and she said that fat really isn't a huge part of losing weight. So I stopped looking at labels.
Until a year or so after that, I was on yahoo.ca and I saw this article that was titled something like "The best way to lose weight", so I clicked on it. Essentially it just said that calories are essential to watch, when you are trying to lose weight.
So there began the counting of calories. I never knew that counting calories could actually be a bad thing, because I thought I was just being healthy by watching it.
But then I remember getting closer to grade 8 grad, and limiting my calories more and more. I found a website that told me I should have about 1,600 calories. I read somewhere else that you need at least 1,200 calories (as a girl) to be able to function somewhat healthily. I read somewhere else that you require 800 calories in a day to live. As I got closer to grad, my calorie intake of 1,600 was soon limited to 1,200, but 1,100, wouldn't hurt, so I strived for that.
Just so you know, this is what I looked like at grade 8 grad (on the left):
I am naturally skinny, naturally thin I should say. I saw pictures from my childhood, and I looked thin. I never really had that baby fat thing going on when I was 3/4 that kids usually lose. I never really was chubby at all. But I actually did find a few photos of me when I was 7/8 and my stomach was a little chubby. So maybe I am not naturally skinny?
I know I did lose weight during this time. I forget how much, but at one point I remember seeing the scale, and whatever the number was, it freaked the hell out of me (but really, it was a normal number, it's just since I was growing, I was gaining weight). I do remember that I got my weight down to 102. I think I saw a number like 112-115. I was 12 or 13.
Then high school started. The counting calories became insane. I had so many foods calories memorized. I wrote it down. Frequently throughout grade 9 and most of grade 10, you would probably be able to ask me how many calories I ate that day, and I could tell you a pretty precise number.
It got worse though. Even though I ate the right amount of calories (usually), I started going insane counting calories. I would look up calorie info on my phone and my laptop when nobody was looking. One time, I even went to the extent of taking the recipe my mom was making for supper, typing in all of the ingredients, and figuring out exactly how many calories were in it, and how much I would eat based on this.
My mom didn't ever really notice what I was doing. When we went shopping at the grocery store, I would go down aisles by myself, so I could look at all of the boxes of cereal, etc., so I could compare calorie amounts and get the best box.
I usually tried to eat 1,600 calories, but I did lower it to 1,500 and 1,400 time to time when I got more scared I was gaining weight.
I don't think I ever obsessively weighed myself.
Then there is exercise. In grade 8 or 9 I discovered that there were workout videos online. I was too ashamed to tell my mom I was doing them, so I would do them when my mom wasn't home. I soon started riding my bike a lot too.
I didn't excessively exercise, but combined with the food I was eating, I definitely wasn't doing my body too good.
I wasn't really anorexic, ever. But I wasn't healthy, that is for sure.
It is good to count calories and workout, but you can't be obsessive about it.
The only times I ever actually starved myself, were on days I was either wearing a dress (semi-formals, grade 8 grad, etc.) and when I went to the beach. I did this so I wouldn't be "Bloated" and I would look thinner just for the day.
My friends didn't notice, or at least they didn't say anything, when it was really bad. In grade 10 I feel like they noticed more, but I was slowly getting out of my bad habits at this point. I wasn't out of them completely, but I was slowly getting out of them.
Although I was eating the right amount of calories, and working out a decent amount towards the end of grade 10 and beginning of grade 11. I did try to be bulimic. I attempted probably 5-10 times in my life, to throw up my food if I thought I ate too much. I couldn't do it though. I tried so many different methods, but for whatever reason, I wouldn't allow myself to. I knew what I was doing, and I knew the consequences. I like to think that my subconscious just wouldn't let me.
In February 2012, (in grade 11) I joined the gym. Finally. I decided that food wasn't cutting it, and I would have to workout more. I honestly was very healthy about dieting at this point.
Most of the time from February 2012-now, I was pretty good.
Although I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder, counting calories obsessively can be considered a form of anorexia.
I had relapses of eating problems. I stopped counting calories by this point. But I did have eating problems still. Just last year.
If I missed a day at the gym, or I felt like I didn't have a good gym session, I wouldn't eat as much as I was going to. I would still eat, just not as much.
I feel like some people may think that I workout too much. I did have some days at the gym where I would just go completely crazy and workout really intensely. I go to the gym 5-6 times a week, for 1.5-2 hours. I usually do 45 minutes of cardio, and the rest of the time is weight training.
At one point I claimed I was "cured" of my eating problems, because I didn't want the number on the scale to drop anymore. I wanted it to go up because I wanted to gain muscle. So when I hit 127 pounds, I was happy! But I actually dropped back down to 117, which I was sad about. But then I realized I just lost body fat %.
Learning about body fat % is definitely not my best friend. Your body fat % is the % of body fat in your body, compared to your weight. I have become obsessed with this, within the past 5-6 months. I am trying to lower my body fat % and gain muscle. This, I don't want to call an eating disorder, and I don't have a negative body image anymore. This is just a body goal I have, that I am working towards in a healthy manor. 95% of the time.
The thing is I am still not 100% "Cured" as I once thought. Trying to get my body fat % down means that I eat less carbs, or burn more calories/fat. This is hard for me because I eat so much (not too much, just a lot). I want to have a nice set of abs, which I can tell I have abs, it's just my body fat is too high to be able to see them. I want to be able to see my abs. But I can't.
This still isn't the point. My point is that on occasion, I am really stupid about food. I eat everyday, I eat a LOT everyday. Sometimes if I miss the gym, I will eat less, which I guess isn't totally bad, because I do eat extra food to be able to work harder at the gym.
The problem is with running. I will go for a big run, and I won't feel like eating. I will think "I just burned 1,200 calories! Awesome! That's like half a pound!" then I won't eat. YOU NEED TO EAT AFTER YOU RUN. It doesn't help that you physically aren't that hungry after you run. I need to force myself to eat after I run. You need to eat to replenish your EVERYTHING so you can function and rest and heal properly.
I am mostly fine now. But I still on occasion look at my body, and I think my stomach has too much fat, or my butt, or my thighs. I look at my arms and think I'm a twig. I just can't win like this.
My doctor told me I am healthy. My mom thought I was working out too much. I told my doctor and she just said "That's a lot" and that "I wouldn't have that kind of time in university". She called my body type "slim".
Oh, and with my body fat %, I keep avoiding figuring it out, because I hate seeing it. I hate doing my body fat % because the number changes so frequently, and if it goes up, it drives me crazy.
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