In just 2 days I will be 21. What the fuck. I feel like 21 is going to be an important year. I think that this year a lot of big good and big bad things will happen that will shape me. I have no real evidence. I mean I know I've changed a lot recently, and that I will be graduating at the age of 21.
I'm at another one of these spots in my life where I find myself super confused about "what's next?". This is the most freedom I will have in my life soon, and possibly ever. Done with school, not in a career... so many options. I hope I don't pick too many boring ones.
Right now I'm listening to Oh My God by the Pretty reckless and it is so good and just hitting the spot. This is definitely a new favourite song.
Oh my god I just had to take off my fake nails. I just put them on yesterday but I couldn't stand them any longer. I can type so freely now. Lilac. Daffodil! EXCLAMATION!
Okay, where was I?
Oh right, 21. What does this mean? 21 is the year I get the rest of my inheritance and my dad's coin collection. Yippidee dooo. I am considering putting it into a savings plan for a house. Maybe. I don't know.
I am getting really depressed again, lately. I've mostly quit drinking, not on purpose though. I just have been smoking a lot of weed. Whoops. I am just sad about life. I was having an okay time but now everything is kind of catching up to me again. I am realizing the things that made me sad, again.
I struggle everyday to do things that should be easy. I manage to keep my place clean enough to be livable and not gross. I shower less, but often enough. I don't spend as much time on makeup, hair or skincare. I find it hard to go without messing up at least one thing everyday. It's hard to make it to classes on time. It's hard to stay at work the whole time. I often find myself not going to the gym enough, gaining a little bit of weight. I haven't cooked in over a month, I just order food in.
I'm not miserable. I have my dog, my boyfriend, my phone, my friends. I have weed. I have the internet. Youtube has become a huge part of my life now. Watching other people live their lives across the globe and hear about the sad things that happen to them too.
I swear I'm not always this solemn. I just find my life really hard to pilot right now. I'm not really here right now, I've kind of checked out. I'm on autopilot so I'm just kind of going with things as they come up. Doing assignments at the last minute, rushing to appointments I'm always missing. I'm too busy in the moment to come up with plans to do things correctly. I have to use the time that I manage to stumble on to do the things I need to do before they have to be done.
It's hard, it really is. Is this not the same situation we all find ourselves in? I wish the philosophy students in my classes talked about these sorts of things. We talk about great things, but they always relate back to history and old texts and ideas of intellectuals. But what about the people not fortunate enough to have a career in education, the homeless, the talented that are not famous? We could learn so much from these people but they have not been given a voice. This is why the internet is so great, it is so much easier to stumble upon the silenced.
I'm ready for massive changes to come with being 21. I want changes at least, but I also am finding it hard to get off of autopilot. It just seems to be the only way I can function right now as a person. Autopilot isn't the worst, it's the best so far. But autopilot is in no way good.
Sincerely,
Sarah
P.S.
What the fuck did I just write?
I'm at another one of these spots in my life where I find myself super confused about "what's next?". This is the most freedom I will have in my life soon, and possibly ever. Done with school, not in a career... so many options. I hope I don't pick too many boring ones.
Right now I'm listening to Oh My God by the Pretty reckless and it is so good and just hitting the spot. This is definitely a new favourite song.
Oh my god I just had to take off my fake nails. I just put them on yesterday but I couldn't stand them any longer. I can type so freely now. Lilac. Daffodil! EXCLAMATION!
Okay, where was I?
Oh right, 21. What does this mean? 21 is the year I get the rest of my inheritance and my dad's coin collection. Yippidee dooo. I am considering putting it into a savings plan for a house. Maybe. I don't know.
I am getting really depressed again, lately. I've mostly quit drinking, not on purpose though. I just have been smoking a lot of weed. Whoops. I am just sad about life. I was having an okay time but now everything is kind of catching up to me again. I am realizing the things that made me sad, again.
I struggle everyday to do things that should be easy. I manage to keep my place clean enough to be livable and not gross. I shower less, but often enough. I don't spend as much time on makeup, hair or skincare. I find it hard to go without messing up at least one thing everyday. It's hard to make it to classes on time. It's hard to stay at work the whole time. I often find myself not going to the gym enough, gaining a little bit of weight. I haven't cooked in over a month, I just order food in.
I'm not miserable. I have my dog, my boyfriend, my phone, my friends. I have weed. I have the internet. Youtube has become a huge part of my life now. Watching other people live their lives across the globe and hear about the sad things that happen to them too.
I swear I'm not always this solemn. I just find my life really hard to pilot right now. I'm not really here right now, I've kind of checked out. I'm on autopilot so I'm just kind of going with things as they come up. Doing assignments at the last minute, rushing to appointments I'm always missing. I'm too busy in the moment to come up with plans to do things correctly. I have to use the time that I manage to stumble on to do the things I need to do before they have to be done.
It's hard, it really is. Is this not the same situation we all find ourselves in? I wish the philosophy students in my classes talked about these sorts of things. We talk about great things, but they always relate back to history and old texts and ideas of intellectuals. But what about the people not fortunate enough to have a career in education, the homeless, the talented that are not famous? We could learn so much from these people but they have not been given a voice. This is why the internet is so great, it is so much easier to stumble upon the silenced.
I'm ready for massive changes to come with being 21. I want changes at least, but I also am finding it hard to get off of autopilot. It just seems to be the only way I can function right now as a person. Autopilot isn't the worst, it's the best so far. But autopilot is in no way good.
Sincerely,
Sarah
P.S.
What the fuck did I just write?
