Let's try something new.

This is a short story I wrote in english. I am using it in the coffeehouse on friday.

It is late at night. The campfire is burning low. Your best friend turns to you and says,

“I have a confession...”

He pauses and I don’t respond. I feel him searching for some sort of confirmation that I heard him. But I wait for him to speak willingly. I peer at him sitting on a log leaning forward on his knees with his forearms. I allow the silence to become awkward and fill the air with its own kind of noise.

After about 15 seconds, he looks up and says

“I am an alcoholic.”

I look at him and move closer to where he sits. I put my arm around him and rub his arm like a mother does to a child. I put my hand on his shoulder and say nothing. He drops his head between his legs and I place my hand softly on the back of his neck. I feel his rough stubble at his neck and a few beads of sweat. 

He starts to weep softly. At a loss of words, I wipe away one of his tears and I get up from beside him and sit in front of him cross-legged.

I place each of my hands on his knees and he lifts his head to look at me. He is settled by my eyes.

Finally I say something. “How did you come to that conclusion?”. With a sniff he responds “I just know it.”.

Confused, I slouch my posture a bit and remove my hands from his knees. 

I knew he drank, but I never considered him an alcoholic. I peered up to fully see the front of his shirt. It is a simple grey t-shirt, which I gave to him 2 years ago. 

“What can I do to help?”  I asked. 

He sat up, with a puzzled face. In a few seconds he looked like he had an answer.

“Help me”. We both paused. 

My mind raced as these two words processed in my mind. How? Why me? I arrived at an answer.

As assured as I am, I picture my life flashing before my eyes. But not in the sense of death. 

“Let me move in with you” I replied.

He straightened his back and looked at me. His lips were scared but his eyes, certain. 

I grabbed his hands and stood up. He pulled me beside him, which made me feel like I hadn’t made any progress.

“Okay.” he sniffed.

The fire burned out.

In the brief period which we could not see, he stands to fix the light. 

I slyly reach into my bag and grab the metal piece. I confidently guzzle all of the contents of my flask. 

I chuck my flask into the forest. 

Light.

“What was that noise?” he questioned.

“I’m not sure.” I replied.

He pulls me back to his lap. 

Huddled next to him I use my hand and pull his chin towards me to make eye contact. 

I stood up again while he sat, holding his hands and he pulled me to his lap. 

The fire burned out. 

WEIRD SHIT

Weird shit most people don't know about me:

1) If I have a husband/boyfriend, I will allow them to cheat on me, as long as they let me cheat on them.  As long as no STDs happen.

2) I am obsessed with coffee mugs and water bottles.

3) I am obsessed with blankets. If you ever need to buy me a gift, get me a blanket, a watter bottle/portable coffee mug, and a winners gift card. I will love you forever.

4) I actually don't understand the appeal to wax one's entire body. I understand legs and armpits. I used to shave my arms, but then I stopped. I just don't get why body hair is gross. People just think it is.

5) Unless you have seen my feet, you probably don't know that my 2nd toe is longer than my big toe.

6) One time as a kid, I purposely tried to become evil, inspired by a McDonalds toy. It was from some movie, and the McDonalds toy I got was the evil character. So I believed it was destiny and for the next few days, I believed I was evil. I would be evil by doing things like saying "no" when my parents asked me to do things, and pulling their hair.

7) I don't understand why when people divorce after any length of marriage they call it a waste. It is not a waste, those years of your life are still equally relevant to the rest of your life. Even though in ended in disaster, it doesn't make it any less relevant or wasteful. Its a learning experience. Think of war: It is "tragic" yet, it has shaped our society the way it is today.

8) I don't plan on divorcing. If I want to separate, I'll probably just leave. I won't even deal with any of the law crap. I'll just leave, he can file for divorce. If there are kids, I will fight to have them, but I won't fight too hard.

9) If I got pregnant this very instant I would be very happy about it.

10) I have always been obsessed with what my favourite colour is. I think its been like that since I was very small. I always thought that your favourite colour would define who you are. I don't know why. Before every new school year, I would choose a new favourite colour to define me. Once, before grade 5, I had EVERYTHING planned out immensely. Blue would be my favourite colour.
In other news, I am not like this now, and my favourite colours are navy blue and maroon.

I don't even know what is happening in my life anymore. Things are changing so fast and my brain is moving so fast that I am not even sure what the hell is up and down.

It's driving me insane. I can't focus on anything without my mind wandering off. It's actually terrible.

I just want to smash my head repeatedly off of my desk. It drives me nuts!!!

EVERYTHING is changing ALWAYS. WHY?!

School...
Family...
Friends...
Me...
Money...
EVERY FUCKING THING.

STOP. Just... STOP for just ONE WHOLE MINUTE. My mind is trying to do 50 things at once and I am about to throw a fit. I am going to have a crying screaming fit.

I don't think people can actually easily understand what I am going through. I have too much to do, and I can't focus on it. I sit down to work on an assignment, and I drive myself nuts. I've even had 2 assignments in my entire life that I was borderline suicide about. I know that is not normal. But I really just can't stand it. I can't just tell my teachers to stop though. 

So, is this a part of me now?

SANITY.

So lately, I have been overanalyzing myself. By lately, I mean the past 5 years of my life.

But I have been thinking about my Sanity and insanity lately. Maturity vs immaturity. This is because I have realized something (I think).

I am insane. Clinically considered--- insane. I do weird strange random things, which I guess could be normal. But I have weird thoughts. I feel like some of my classmates view me as some crazy philosopher. Like if you imagine a crazy scientist, except I hate science.

But maybe I am not insane. Maybe I just THINK I am insane.

Like, maybe everybody else sees me as insane, because that is how society perceives me. Maybe sanity and insanity don't exist.

Maybe I am being a skeptic right now.

I have thought deeply into what it means to be someone. I think that a person has as many personalities as they have people they know. Every person sees something different in everyone. For example, the people in cross country don't know much about me, as opposed to some of my friends. But there are things that people in cross country know about me that my friends don't. So everyone perceives me differently.

Not only this, but I feel like I act different around different people, which is inevitable (THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I HAVE USED THIS WORD TODAY AND I AM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF) but it is just interesting to think about.

Like, how I act around my friend Lucas. I am pretty much crazy 100% of the time, acting weird, no normal conversations happen between us.
But around my teachers, I act pretty mature.

Except my history teacher. I am pretty sure she is completely concerned and confused of what to think of me. She has known me since grade 10, and I have had her for 4 history courses. In grade 10 I feel like she didn't think much of me. Immediately after grade 10 (after I gave her the most amazing thank you card) up until the end of grade 11, I think she thought I was an intelligent, nice, kind person. Also, I see her at the library and she probably thought that my personality fits that stereotype. But this year in grade 12, she sees how I act around Lucas, and how I am less quiet and more rowdy. I talk more, and I am more confident... in maybe not a good way.

Not to mention the fact that on those cards that teachers sometimes hand out that you fill out things like your Name, telephone number, and some random questions like "What grade do you hope to achieve" and "What career do you aspire to have?", on the question that asked about the career I responded with "Not aiming towards a career" or something like that.

She knew I wanted to be a psychologist back in grade 11. I am 90% sure she saw that answer of mine as well because one time my friend Lucas, and 2 others in my history class were talking about university stuff, and I noticed her listening in on our conversation when I told them I was going into Philosophy and Political Science. I know she heard that because in history, in our independent projects, I was deciding on a philosopher to do and she mentioned something like "Because you are going into philosophy, right?".

I understand how creepy it is that I remember every detail of this entire relationship I have with her, but she is actually a pretty important person in my life. You don't need to creepily tell her anything, because I am planning on writing her an essay long thank you card again after this semester.

Generally, people's opinions of me don't matter too much. I mean, hers really doesn't, but I think it would be interesting to know it. She just has a really interesting mind to me... okay. Okay. I am reading into this way too much... Oh god. I am crazy.

More proof for society to find me insane!

I used to think I was just acting weird and crazy in front of my friends. But when I started acting this way in front of my cross country team members, and some of my teachers I was just like... okay... this is a part of me.

Back to my whole spiel about how you have as many personalities as you have people that know you... I think that as I said, it is true. But I also think that only one of them matter. The way you think of yourself. So then you might be like "Whaa?" Which one of me? The me that matters. The person you are. You are who you are. So your actions are who you are. If you want them to be. Whatever you say, do, become a part of your past, and your past is who you are, no matter what others say. Some people say "The past is in the past" but we have a past for a reason, to understand the present, and predict the future.

History repeats itself, but only if you let it.

If I go by the english dictionary definition of the word sanity meaning I am sound of mind and judgement, I am definitely not sound.

But I suppose that the actual definition of the word "sanity" can be put into question. Does sanity even exist? Can we actually estimate who a person is? Do we exist?

Philosophical questions. Skeptical questions. It is all good up in here.

I'm insane.

I hate you.

That one person.

That one person that you feel like no matter what... you will love forever. 

You think that even on your wedding day, if not with this person, that they will be all you think of the whole time.

That person... I have one. I have since November 2011. Almost 1 year. Basically one year. I am not exactly sure when.

But for whatever reason, you are not with this person, either because of weird reasons, or just simply... you can't be.

Even though there are all of these reasons to not have this person, you still like them, even though your emotions for them sometimes take a backseat, or you feel them more intensely at times.

But they will remain there. Or at least, in memory.

But you also hate this person. You hate them... because you can't have them. They cannot be yours.

Anyways...

Marriage is just like a general guideline right? Its not like a lifelong commitment. I have nothing to lose.

Except...

everything.

But. It is worth it.

It will be worth it.

I know it.

Stress

How is it okay to put people through this much pressure and stress? With university stuff, money stuff, any other stuff like extra curriculars, SCHOOL NOW, job, and a social life (wait I don't even have that).

How is it okay for school, society and the government to think this is okay? This is not okay. I am not dealing with this stress well at all.

I bet you $10 that if I went into guidance and said to one of the guidance counsellors "I am very stressed right now" they would try to console me, say it will get better, then start talking about universities with me.

NO. THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO HAPPEN.

What I want to happen is for all of my teachers to stop giving me 20,000 assignments.

Then have teachers stop telling me to be a "leader" and volunteer in my "community".

Also, while were at it, let's shut down all universities.

Seriously, this is fucked up.

Fucked up system. Put ALL of the pressure on 16-18 year olds. That'll teach em'!

What I love is how all through highschool my teachers were just like "Were just preparing you for grade 12!". How? I am not ready. I am here, but it sucks. You fail.

It is official.

I am going to go to the university of I don't give a crap and get a degree in none of your god damned business. But I heard that institution may have lost its accreditation, so I might just go slowly sell my organs on ebay, just so I have enough money to survive, until I am dead because I have no organs.

Hi my name is Sarah and I am...

Hi my name is Sarah and I am slowly giving into democracy.

I claim I am an anarchist, which is true. But I have also always claimed that I know based on Canadian citizens, that anarchy likely wouldn't work so well here.

Of course, Canada is a democracy, and the more I think about being an MPP or a Mayor someday, the more I think that democracy isn't so bad.

Well in Canada government seems more like an oligarchy, but thats a different story for another time.

In other news, I have written up a generic letter I am sending to every MPP that voted "Yes" to Bill 115. I would just send it to the MPP in Quinte, but that will only get my point across to one person. Maybe if I send 85 letters, I might get 3 back in return. (Okay, okay, I'll be more mature and stop making fun of the blood-sucking idiots that is our "government").

Blood-sucking? What is in my brain.

Oh wait, I'm not going into psychology anymore.

Goodbye discussions of the brain...

Hello political, philosophical, moral questioning, society-affecting discussions.

Although I still like the idea of anarchy a lot. In my utopia, I would have anarchy. But that is not realistic. Although, I haven't really been thinking realistically the past few months. But that is okay, we all make mistakes. It is just now, it is a lot easier to make permanent mistakes with the internet. But that is also okay. Mistakes don't have to be bad. Mistakes can be good. They are all good, and not all are bad.

Hi my name is Sarah and vote Sceviour in (insert election I am running for) (insert position of government I am trying to achieve) (Insert witty joke) (Insert Speech). Thank you.

It is scary.

Have you ever just wanted something so bad that you would be willing to risk everything for that thing/that person?

I have always said this to myself. "I would do anything". Anything. To get this thing. This... person. Literally... anything.

I feel like some form of evil mastermind.

But I realized... that for me "I would do anything" is not just a saying. It is in fact, true. I would do anything. As a matter or fact, I figured out what I have to do, to get this thing/person.

It will take a while. It won't happen for over a year. But I guess that time will give me time. But I know exactly what I will do. I know this is all so general. But I just have these really strong emotions right now.

It will happen.

Whether it is successful, or it fails... at least I won't die knowing that I never had this thing.

I will risk everything just for 5 seconds.

This is all too crazy.

But who cares.

Okay. Let me just talk about Freud for a moment. You have all heard of Freud's theory with the Id, superego and ego? If not, basically it states that the mind is made up of these three parts, the Id is what you want, the ego is sort of the transition part that helps you get it, and helps you act on it, and think about it, and the superego is what says "No, you can't have this" and thinks about things logically.

Well I basically realized this entire theory is completely bogus if you eliminate society's restrictions. I don't think the mind itself has restrictions other than those implemented by society, so without society, you would have no need for a superego.

So although I am aware of what my superego wants me to do, fuck it. I have a large Id. Who cares?

So. Yeah. That is that. I am happy. And ALSO TINA FEY FUCKING ANSWERED MY QUESTION IN A VIDEO. If you know me go find it on my twitter or facebook. I'm too lazy to fetch the link right now. (I am such a good blogger).

Lastly, I am super bored so I am going to do this thing (like a note) I saw on facebook.

*GIRL CONFESSIONS*
1. Do you sleep with the lights on or off ? off
2. White or milk chocolate ? milk! or dark ;)
3. Small or large purses ? LARGE.
4. Favourite colour? purple

5. Are you short? kind of. more average. But maybe a little bit shorter than average.

*BE HONEST*
1. Room colour ? beige.
2. Light or dark haired guys ? I prefer dark, but it honestly doesn't matter.
3. Are you currently frustrated with a guy ? nope!
4. Do you have a best friend? not a "Best" friend.
6. Have you ever jumped in a pool with your clothes on? I don't think so
7. Do you have more guy or girl friends? Its almost even... but I think girls.
8. How long have you had Facebook ? grade 8ish
9. Have you ever slapped a guy in the face? yes.
10. What is your biggest fear? spiders. being trapped in small spaces. so if you trap me in a small space with spiders, I am not even kidding you, I will either die, or at least pass out. I will be forever psychologically damaged. I am actually dead serious about this.
11. What's the craziest outfit you ever wore ? HAHAHAHA. Naked. I mean, my body is pretty crazy.
12. Funniest thing that's ever happened to you ? Life.

*GIRL STUFF*
1. Mascara or eyeliner ? ew neither
2. Pink or black ? BLACK
3. Heels or flats ? heels
4. Skirts or pants ? both? :)
5. Hoodies or jackets ? neither?
6. Wedges or sneakers ? both.. but wedges
7. Straight or curly hair ? straight
8. Smoothies or lattes ? both!! OMG this is hard. twss.
9. Diet or regular soda? NEITHER. Ew soda is gross
10. Pearls or diamonds ? diamonds
11. iPod or phone? iPhone? ;)

*IN A GUY*
1. Funny or serious? both. more serious. but both.
2. Romantic or serious? more serious, but both. ;)
3. Dark or light eyes? DARK BLUE. or really any other colour. dark brown. like not quite so you can't see the pupil, but darkkk.
4. Tall or short? extremely tall. like 9'10''. Jk. But tall.
5. What do you like most In a guy ? comfort.
6. What does a guy have to do to get your attention? Say Hi.

My world is coming together.

It is all becoming clear to me.

I am not as scared for University. I can't believe I am already thinking about all of this... this time next year I will be in university. It is kind of crazy to think of it like this.

I've officially decided on Nipissing. I will (almost definitely) get in, with the entrance scholarship. I will basically pay under $10,000 in tuition for all 4 years.... not including whatever scholarships I may achieve, or bursaries I may receive.

This obviously doesn't include living costs. But I figure that will be around $10,000/ year. I have enough money. I won't even need a part time job. This is the most amazing feeling ever. Before you go off thinking "Oh she's bragging" no. Don't even go there. I had to share a BED AND ROOM with my mother for 3 years of my life. My mother doesn't have an education. My father passed away. A lot of money has gone into my education fund, thanks to my parents, as well as a little contributions of my own. As well, my fathers inheritance I get at 21 will help. I deserve this.

I am eternally happy and grateful right now. This doesn't happen too often.

I have also decided what I want to do after university, somewhat. I will either go for my BEd I/S, my Masters in Philosophy, or I will travel. I will have money to do these things then as well.

I think I will get a part time job, just for small things to buy, and then to save some money so I have some money later in life.

I am not sure if I am going into residence 1st year. I am going to tour Nipissing soon, and then I will decide.

My 2nd Choice is Lakehead, and my 3rd is Trent.

I am going to do a double major with honours in Philosophy and Political Science.

Life is amazing right now.


Also, the weirdest thing happened. I decided a few days ago that I wanted to go to Nipissing. I never submitted any information to them WHATSOEVER. Nothing, no where. Today in the mail, I got an envelope with a Nipissing booklet. This is extremely creepy. But I am going to choose that it was meant to be. Even though they may have just gotten my info from some other website I was on somewhere to do with university. But either way, its so weird.

I am so happy.

I am going to have fun now.

Well. I need to have 6 4U/4M classes over 90s. I already have 2.

Let's do this.

I hate this.

Everybody is familiar with the way that teenagers and their parents fight, especially daughters, I feel like.

When you disagree with a parent it is just considered like acting out or just a part of growing up.

So, that would mean me fighting with my mom is just me acting out and being a usual, regular, teenager, right? Um. No. No. No. Not at all.

I don't even feel like my mom and my relationship is anything like the traditional mother-daughter stereotype at teenage years. My mom judges me, hurts me everyday. We yell almost everyday. We get into fights over the dumbest things. She doesn't even attempt to listen to what I say. My ideas are just nonsense to her.

Why am I on this topic again? Remember about a year or so ago I was complaining that she was asking me a bunch of weird random questions like "Are you drinking?" well she is at it again today.

We were sitting in the car before work and my mom literally asked me "Are you on drugs?".

Like what is this. I replied sarcastically with "I am on all of the drugs.". And ignored her question. She asked me this more than once. She also asked me once this weekend if I was gay, after asking me to block her friend on facebook (who is gay)'s posts which she found offensive, from her newsfeed. She later discussed her friend with me and then said "Just one thing. Please don't get into any of this sh*t." (in reference to being gay).

Oh my goodness. Thank goodness I am not gay or I am pretty sure I would've started crying right then and there. But I still take offence to that.

I don't want to be stereotypical, but I will be anyways. People born before 1960 should really be in their own society. They refuse to change their conformist views. I understand that this is offensive, but I am beginning not to actually give a goddam shit.

Whenever I even hint towards some idea of mine (like a philisophical idea, etc) my mom will spazz at me and tell me "I don't want to hear that bullshit.". One time back when I like psychology (well I still do) I was telling her something and she said "Don't you pull that psychology crap on me.".

I am not sorry at all, my mom and I actually do not have a healthy relationship.

The only thing that I think is "immature teenager" teenager about this, is that I can't wait to get out of the fucking house.

I am trying to make plans to go to New York. I tell her she has absolutely no part in these plans, but I told her days I am planning to go. She is bugging me saying "Well what are you going to do?". Leave. Me. Alone. She doesn't understand that she doesn't POSESS ME. I am going to do whatever the fuck I want.

Same with University. I can't tell you the amount of times I would mention a university name to her and then the next day she will tell me all about the university... even things I didn't know.

OKAY FUCK OFF. SERIOUSLY FUCK OFF. I understand she is just trying to be protective and make sure my life goes in the "correct" direction. But her overprotection (teenage stereotype coming up) just makes me want to NOT CONFORM. (Well I'm like that anyways). But she makes me want to drop out of highschool then murder 50 people.

Mom: "Should we be getting you psychoanalyzed? Or a psychologist?"

OMG. So when I am actually mentally ill, crying in my room and throwing mental breakdowns and fits, I can't have one. But when you suspect I am on drugs, I can?

Why. Why am I even in this house still? Oh right, money.

Have I even mentioned how hard it is to do things at 16 (almost 17)? I tried to stop a payment to my education fund that I was making, and they told me I need my mom's approval. Uhm. What the actual fuck? I need my mom's permission to stop $50 from coming out of my account bi-weekly. WHAT IS THIS SHIT!? This is my goddam money.

I try to cancel a tour "Okay sure, we need your mom's permission".

I am not in fucking grade 2.

But the sad thing is that I will miss her when I go to university, eventually... I think. I don't want her to die.

But she's not the only one. I am dangerously vicious towards her as well. I scream at her, call her names, hurt her feelings. But I rarely (probably only have twice) called her a name for no reason. Every other time she deserves it.

She calls me a bitch, I call her a bitch. Fair deal.

That awkward moment when you momentarily forget you have a blog.

I have been so busy lately. Too busy to blog.

So heres an update:
1) University is extremely stressful and applications haven't even started yet... let alone university itself.

2) My opinions are...


Well here goes.

If you read my blogs, twitter, listen to me talk, whatever, you may have learned that I have some quote "Crazy" thoughts. That is definitely your opinion, and as it has been pointed out "society's opinion".

I am proud of my opinions and thoughts and ways... but a couple of issues have arisen.
First of all, I am working on a Utopian society in english. My utopian society is basically anarchist, communist and individualistic. There is more to it then that... but anyways. I was working in a group of three but then the teacher told us we could work alone, so we all split up. We have to present our Utopia to the class. I love expressing my opinion. I love doing presentations. I am likely going to puke in this presentation. I swear, I am in the most judgemental english class with the most judgemental teacher. I am so tempted to just be like to the teacher "But they are going to judge me." But isn't that the point? To be judged? Stay strong on my opinions.

Another thing. I don't want to get a job. But somehow I cannot be clear about this. I will be like "I want to double major in Political Science and Philosophy". Well. I don't want a job. But then I say something like "I want to get into government and education.". So you are going to be a prime minister and a teacher?

No. Ugh. I don't want a job! I DON'T!  I REALLY REALLY DON'T. I don't know how to exist in this society without one. I don't want to leave this society. I am in a predicament.

I want to make a guidance appointment, but I just think that would be pointless.

I mean, I DO want to get into politics. I want to become an MPP or the Premier of Ontario. Obviously, I don't share democratic views on politics, necessarily. But as I have stated before: To beat them, you must join them.

But that is not a job! It is something I want to do. It is a step.

I've said there are things I want to accomplish in my life, getting a salary is not one of them.

This is just driving me nuts. It has been all week.

I have NO IDEA what I am doing.

No clue.

But I guess I'll find out, won't I?

E--[ : ]--3

When you told me "and then you'll be an adult" I realized that you and I will never be together.

I didn't realize it right away.

But.

I've stopped trying.