The Freedom Writers

Man I love this story.

The Freedom Writers Diaries by Erin Gruwell et al., is such an amazing book. I read it in grade (11?) english and I fell in love with the story. I watched the movie afterwards. I've just remembered the story again, which I had forgotten about, and I downloaded the movie and watched it.

I am so incredibly inspired by this story. For those who don't know, essentially Erin Gruwell (Ms. Gruwell) taught 150 students in her first year of teaching who were involved in a lot of gang violence and had many other issues with family and friends in their lives. These students didn't care much about school, and essentially Gruwell inspires them to learn. It is a true story and it is so inspiring to me.

It is one of the contributing factors that made me want to teach. I've always considered teaching, since peer tutoring in grade 10, but this story sort of reinforced this feeling, along with my Family studies project in grade 11, about student-teacher relationships.

I sort of lost this aspiration for awhile, and decided I wanted to go into politics. But once again I am full-on wanting to be a teacher.

I just want that as a life. I see what happened in the movie and I want that to be my life. I know it might be embellished a bit, but even in peer tutoring, I want this to be my life!

I have always had this weird fascination with teachers and education. I don't know.

I think I've decided that for writers craft, I am going to do my collection of essays along the theme of education. I want to focus one or two of them on technology integration in schools. I want to do some opinion essays, 1 or 2 research essays and a definition essay. I want to explore really different aspects of education. I want one of them to be more of a story of my relation to education and what it means to me. I hope my teacher will let me do these. But I am excited for my culminating in this class. I am so weird to have chosen a collection of essays when I could've done a short story or a magazine, or even poems. They would've been easier, but I have been fascinated with essays lately, so I guess I will stick with this.

Honestly, I don't think anyone on this earth can understand the amount of excitement I have for the future, as a teacher. I feel as ecstatic as a 12 year old girl who was told she is going on a two week trip of europe with one direction. Weird analogy... but it works.

In other news, my in-class peer tutoring teacher asked me if I wanted to be a teacher, and then told me I am the fastest marker she has ever seen. So I'm feeling pretty good.

Top 3 Reasons Why I can't wait to be 18

3. Be able to run a marathon- finally.
Of course I will train to be able to run a marathon before I am 18, but basically all marathons you have to be 18 to run. So once I turn 18--- I am hopefully going to run the NY ING marathon.

2. Get tattoos.
If you read my blog, you know I want tattoos so badly that it's almost psychologically concerning.

1. This doesn't necessarily have to do with being "18" per-say...
But visiting Moira next year. I am looking forward to visiting Moira after going to university. I want to see a few grade 11/12s that will be there next year, and talk to some teachers. I probably won't visit often, but I am just looking forward to those conversations. I don't have to be 18 for this. But by the time I visit, I probably will be 18, or close to it (thanksgiving is near my birthday).

Rut

Stuck in a rut and it sucks.

I am wasting so much time lately. It's ridiculous. Other than school and the gym--- I have nothing to do. Well, I have work, but I rarely work. So essentially what I do is sit/lay down and watch TV, and 1/4 of that time I spend eating as well. I watch so much tv and eat so much. I love it. But I do want to change.

Or do I?

I am really enjoying being this lazy. I don't really want to be responsible for anything really right now. I don't want a second job or a new job or any new responsibilities to do.

I'm really going to enjoy the next few months because my course load is so light and I have all of this time to do bullshit.

I was talking about this with someone a few months ago. I always feel busy, but I really am not.

All I know is that I am pretty bored. Although I am bored even during exciting things.

I need to start a new project or something on my own. Like finally get around to sewing again. Or I could start an art project. That would be fun.

But the funny thing is that I am now addicted to watching TV and going on the computer constantly. I need to cut that out and start something new.

This is actually really sad. My life seems so sad. But I am stuck in a rut, and I am going to get out.

So excited for life

I get in these moods frequently where I am extremely excited for life.

I am just like oh my god there are so many things and people and places and I just want to see everything and do everything.

I feel like I am not alone in this, but I feel that I get extremely extreme (yes I just used extremely as an adverb to describe extreme) about it.

I know that I tend to be sort of anti-money anti-job, and I think that people shouldn't have to work for money. But then in another way, I know that if I want to stay in this society that I need to accept some aspects of it.

I talk about this a lot too, the fact that society is stupid and yet I am still in it. I guess that is the sort of "fight or flight" response I have. Fight would be to either stay in society and fight from within or get out of society and fight externally. Flight would either be to just run away from society or to ignore its' problems.

There are things I want to do in society, nevertheless. As I've stated I want to get into politics and education.

I want to be a teacher so badly that its almost insane. Almost, well it is.

But lately I've been thinking about government again. I don't want to go into federal government, at all. I always said I wouldn't mind running to become a MPP and work in provincial government. But now I am starting to lean more towards municipal government. Doing small things within the community. Getting involved. I think that I am interested in municipal government for 2 reasons. The first being that I watch "Parks and Recreation" on NBC, and I think it looks fun (even though I know it is nothing like that) and the second is that I work at a library, so I see a lot of what municipal government is really about. I don't care if I am a part of city council or a mayor, but I wouldn't mind finding something to do in municipal government. I think it would be fun, and that I can make a difference.

There's the other thing I am hypocritical about-- "making a difference". I believe I have clarified in a past blog that I hate philanthropy. I do. I don't think that people should be expected to be philanthropic. I don't think it is necessary. I don't consider myself a philanthropist. I don't even consider anything I do to be "helping". But in peer tutoring- of course I am helping all of the time! But I almost feel like I am doing it more for me than for the students. I like to do it. I don't know. I'm just being weird again, but that's okay.

Back to my point-- I am excited for life. I want to learn so much in university, I want to move out. I want to earn money and have a child and a family. Although I know it isn't necessary, they are things I want. As someone who hates society, I seem to pretty much want a normal life. I think that it is a natural instinct to want a family though. I don't know.

I am just super excited. That is all.

ARE YOU EXCITED?

I'm going crazy because I think I'm crazy.

Allow me to finally approach something I have not approached head-on, in my blog before.

There is something mentally wrong with me. Don't sugar coat this and call it a "disorder" or "mental health issue" because truly in the eyes of society, there is something mentally wrong with me.

How do I know this? One of the "counsellors" I talked to, I actually talked about how I feel that sometimes my philosophical ideas are confused with my mental "disorder", and talked about some of my ideas. Essentially she told me that it's normal to wonder, but I am crazy. She didn't word it like that to my face though. But her "Put her on meds" literal comment to my doctor is quite close.

I have no idea what I have. Well, slight ideas.

That same counsellor diagnosed me with anxiety, which I never saw myself really having before, until recently. I don't feel "anxious" or any of the emotions essentially associated with anxiety. None of the emotions. But I have like 90% of the physical symptoms of having anxiety/panic attacks, which if you look far enough back in my blogs, you will see I refer to them as "mental breakdowns".

But I was talking with my doctor and we agreed that even if I do or don't have anxiety, there is something else there. She wasn't 100% sure and didn't want to mis-diagnose me and put me on meds, so she referred me to a psychiatrist.

Yep, still don't have that appointment yet. I got a call saying there's a 2-3 month wait, and that I would receive an appointment sometime. Still don't know when.

In the meantime, and even before I talked to any doctor about anything, I am constantly googling all of the disorders. I have this insane need to know, and I think if anything, that is what is driving me the most nuts. I have been told to stop, but it's addicting! I look up symptoms, diagnostic techniques of the disorders, causes, and I will also find these quizzes/tests that will help to determine whether or not you should see a doctor about that disorder.

Let's just say that most of these test/quizzes I take, tell me that "Although this should not be used as a diagnosis, it is recommended that you see a doctor" blah blah blah.

If those tests were right, I would have the following:
- Histrionic Personality Disorder
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- Psychopathy
- Depression
- Bi-Polar Disorder
- Anxiety
- Schizophrenia
- Schizoaffective Disorder
- ADHD

What. The. Fuck.

I had an episode (which honestly rarely happens) a week ago, which led to me leaving class and then crying in the guidance office. I talked to the school counsellor which she really just calmed me down. Later that day I made an appointment to drop one of my classes, and I ended up talking a bit to that guidance counsellor (who knew exactly what happened to me earlier) which I honestly thought she might, because originally I was looking for her, and the counsellor told me that there was a meeting in an hour in guidance, and they talk about students, so I wouldn't be able to come into guidance later. So... yeah. Anyways, we talked about the fact that I don't know what I have, and how it's stressful. She's actually been driving me nuts for a while, so it was nice to talk to her and actually connect to her. She told me that she could see me with bi-polar disorder.

Honestly if I had to diagnose myself I think I almost definitely have:
- Anxiety
- Either histrionic or narcissistic personality disorder

I think I probably have:
- Bi-Polar Disorder

And I think it is possible, but I doubt that I have:
- Schizoaffective Disorder

It's weird because usually doctors can pinpoint if it is like a psychotic, mood, anxiety, personality, or whatever type of disorder. But for me, I was told I likely have an anxiety and/or mood disorder, but I may possibly have a psychotic or personality disorder.

So this will be great.

I probably just have munchausen disorder because I keep talking about this. Either that or histrionic or narcissistic disorder(s) could also be the cause of why I keep talking about this.

Oh, one last point. My mom doesn't believe there is anything wrong with me. She has been doing some googling herself--- googling things like what consuming too much protein or eating too many grapes can do to someone, because apparently I consume too much protein and eat too many grapes. ALSO, this has been going on since grade 10--- I didn't start having protein shakes until less than a year ago. She googled to find that having too much protein can cause depression. Considering the fact that I haven't had any protein shakes in 2-3 weeks, and I still feel the same way that I always have, my mom is in denial.

Ha. In Grade 10 I probably had an EATING disorder.

She won't believe me. She honestly thinks I am doing all of this for attention. WELL ISN'T THAT HISTRIONIC PERSONALITY DISORDER? Oh my goodness.

Yes mom, yes. This is a normal teenage phase. Wanting to literally kill everyone, and putting a laptop bag on your head, and being escorted to the hospital by police, is totally a teenage phase.

Having a mother who is a baby-boomer does not help anything- ever.

In a Bowl of Kraft Dinner

This is my monologue I had to write for Writer's Craft at school. It got some pretty good laughs in class-- it felt good. I was laughing so hard I couldn't get past the first few lines, so my friend had to finish reading it for me. We had to write a short monologue and it had to be comedic or dramatic-- considering the fact that most people's monologues ended in death, or someone else dying, mine was the funniest one.

Noodle God - Sarah Sceviour

Am I small in a regular sized bowl or am I regular sized in a enormous bowl?

It is so warm in here and smells so cheesy and delectable. If I lick the walls, it tastes amazing. This Kraft Dinner tastes so good and if the noodles weren’t so big, I’d eat my way out! If I reach the floor of this bowl, it gets harder to breathe- it’s a good thing I’m strong enough to pull myself up from the bottom. I have been stuck in this bowl for a long time, at least over 24 hours. I can tell it’s getting late, and dark outside of the bowl. I should get out and return to the regular world, but I can’t seem to lift myself out. At least I have all of the food I can eat!

I might as well try to get to sleep. I’ve had other unsuccessful attempts, but I hope now I can fall asleep. I wish there was a blanket. Although it’s warm in here, it’s very humid. Hmm... what if I just climb inside one of the noodles? That could be comfortable.

This noodle isn’t as comfortable as I thought it would be. It feels weird in here. By arms are stuck by my sides. At least my head is through the hole of the noodle, so I can still breathe! Mmm, cheesy. 

I just realized that if anyone could see me right now, they’d think I was insane. I’m stuck in a tube of macaroni with my head sticking out the top. Oh goodness. 

Okay, I can’t sleep in here. I’ll just slide through the noodle and out the other end.

It’s so gooey, yummy, disgusting and delicious, all at the same time. 

Okay, I’ve been in here for at least 48 hours by now! I’m so tired! I need caffeine!

Oh noodle god, please teleport me out of this bowl!

It’s starting to taste like purple in here. Gross. It smells like chair, too. Whoa, is that noodle over there turning green?

Whoa! Is that what I think it is? That noodle over there is transforming into a person! Hello! Is anyone else in here? Noodle person?

Oh my noodle god! Tina Fey? It’s Tina Fey in noodle form! Tina! Hey Tina! Answer me!

Okay, okay. I’m... so... tired. Why is everything spinning? I feel dizzy. 

Okay, goodnight macaroni. Goodnight Tina Fey.  

My appearance

I am a sexy bastard.

End of blog post.

I'm kidding.

Any readers of my blog know that I have a history of being obsessive about the way I look. This means my weight, face/makeup, hair, height, shoe size, clothing size, skin colour, piercings, clothing, REALLY ANYTHING on my body.

This has decreased over the past 2-3 years, which is a good thing, I suppose.

I think it is no secret that the way you look is the image you present to the world. What you look like is who strangers think you are.

Whenever I hear people say "Looks don't matter", I just think of how ignorant they are. I don't know if thats the word I want to use, but I'll use it nevertheless.

Looks do matter. End of story.

I used to mainly be obsessed about my style, I'd come up with different "styles" and try to describe them. I just realized that currently, I have no idea what the fuck my style is. It's probably something like wear anything dark. Yep. Thats it.

But I went through these fazes with skinny jeans, flare jeans, sweaters, dresses, blazers... the list goes on.

I used to consider myself a "punk" at one point, which is funny because all I really did was dress up in pink, black and skinny jeans. I wasn't a punk at all. I listened to disney songs on my iPod. Sometimes I would describe my style as "emo" which is also funny because I have never cut myself.

I had a bit of a preppy faze not too long ago, which I still sort of have, where I wear a lot of blazers, dresses and heels. I still do this, though. I'm not sure why.

Then there is my hair. Long, brown. Natural. End of story. In grade 8 I cut it short, then let it grow out long until last summer, when I cut it short again. It's starting to get longer than I would like, again.
I never had dyed my hair... until yesterday. I dyed half of my hair (the underneath part) "black", it looks more dark brown. My hair is so thick, you can barely notice it when it's down. If it's in a ponytail, you can tell, easier. It's almost indifferent to my natural hair colour, but you can still see it, especially in bright light.

I'm not going on about my body, here. Like the story of my dad passing away and my parents divorcing, that story has been exhausted.

I do have a weird thing about height though. I haven't figured out why yet. I am obsessed with the height of people. I am 5'7''. I kind of wish I was an inch taller, but whatever. I always google my favourite celebrities' heights (Tina Fey is 5'3'', fyi), and I think that is weird. I always call my cousin short (she's 10, she's actually tall for her age), and I always make a point of trying to be taller than tall people. I don't know why I have this thing for height. It's actually a huge turnoff for me if a guy is shorter than me. Not that it matters, but Tina Fey's husband is 5'0''. Obviously height doesn't make up the man, but I do wish that whoever I end up with, is taller than me.

"Height doesn't make up the man" lmfao. Why do I say these things? I'm so hilarious.

Then there is makeup. I went through fazes with makeup too. I probably started learning more about makeup and wearing it come grade 6. I didn't really start wearing it daily until grade 8/9 ish. Grades 6-8 I occasionally wore it. I remember I wore grey eyeshadow in grade 8. Oh yes. Somebody actually called me out on it, and I denied the fact that I was wearing makeup. I went through fazes with different lipsticks/lipstains, different eye shadows, I wore greens for a long time, then I switched to browns. I've always worn concealer, and I go through fazes where I do and don't wear foundation.

This is really boring. I see it now.

Now I generally wear concealer, foundation, and occasionally I'll wear eyeshadow, usually brown. Sometimes I put colour on my lips. I never wear mascara, or blush.

I guess my whole point of this ramble is going back to the fact that looks do matter. The way you look is what people first know about you. Whatever on the outside is who you are to another. Until you open your mouth, or they creep your facebook, they know nothing else. You can't really make a second impression. The fact that "Looks don't matter" although isn't true, to the individual, looks can matter less or more. Let's say I meet a slightly below average guy in height (as I said before I don't like this), I am probably not going to be overly attracted to him. But if I suddenly find out he loves the same TV shows as me, and he is really funny, then the fact that he is short, won't matter as much.

You can't change that first impression, but new information can definitely change your ongoing impression. 

Fuck you too, technology

Dear MacBook Pro,

Please stop being so slow, you frustrate me.
Spending the majority of time on my laptop, waiting for it to load, does not make me happy.
You are barely full of memory, and I go through you extremely often throwing away photos, videos, music, etc., that I do not need anymore. But yet, you still act out and fucking act slow.

I would write more often in my blog and my book if you weren't so goddam slow.

You know, Macbook, when you act so slow, you make me want to throw you across the room. This isn't good for my anger issues.

If you can't keep 3 webpages open without the funny rainbow wheel coming up and making me wait, I think I may have to get a new you. Maybe not right away, but definitely before the fall.

Sincerely, 

Sarah

Dear iPod,

I don't understand why the cover photos of my music do not match up to the correct songs. Why is there a random asian man on a lot of my songs? Why do the artworks switch between the songs?

I just don't get it.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Dear TV and DVD player,

I'm sorry I don't use you too often, it's just wait easier to be lying in bed and pop in DVDs into my player on my laptop, rather than getting up and switching it.

Also, your remotes keep getting up and walking away, which makes everything oh so much harder.

I know that when I do watch TV, it's usually in the living room, because the TV is larger.

But we had some good times. I used to watch movies on you all the time from ages 11-14. I watched a lot of TV on you too! But now, I only need you sometimes, for my Wii.

Apologetically,

Sarah

Dear Blackberry,

You started acting the fuck up, and really, you weren't that fun. So I got an iPhone. Suck it.

Goodbye,

Sarah

Dear HTC Legend,

You acted up worse than my Blackberry did! But you were a better phone, than blackberry. You had a good camera, and some fun games. We had good times together. But you were also my most short-lived phone, so I had to say goodbye.

Sorry,

Sarah

Dear iPhone,

You are my only apple product that is in a completely good working condition. I love your apps, and you are very easy to use.

Although expensive, you were worth every penny.

Please don't break and die.

Lovingly,

Sarah

Education, Ideas, iPads and My Book!

I am in one of these uber-inspired moods right now. It's a good mood, as well, and not necessarily a bad mood. I am actually really optimistic.

I would like to become more balanced. So this is what I am going to start doing.

This semester is my last semester of highschool, and I plan to straighten out my brain, here.

I want to do so many things! Not even in school. Just with a tentative deadline of before the summer.

First of all, I am taking a full course load, again, this year. World Issues, Writers Craft, Peer Tutoring and Law.

I am actually looking forward to my schedule so much. I feel like I am going to learn a lot in World Issues, in Writers Craft I will also hopefully learn some skills I can put towards the book I am writing, Peer Tutoring is going to be fun and amazing and hopefully teach me some new skills. Law, I am mostly taking just because I am assuming I will get a good grade, but it will be fun, too. I think I know what my culminating topic is now, too.

I know I am not supposed to be putting too much pressure on myself, but I plan on doing something new. I will spend 20 minutes a day either reading, watching a "TED" talk, or other form of video podcast, or listen to a podcast. I figure this will be easy, because sometimes I am just sitting at my computer doing nothing, and I can watch a video lesson, of sorts. If I am at the gym, I can listen to a podcast, as well.

Most of the stuff I will be learning about will probably be philosophy, ethics, education or law related. But I also plan on learning more about economics. I think I mentioned before I bought a book on economics, and I just subscribed to a finance course on iTunes U.

I have been thinking about iPads lately. My mom has one, and I have wanted one for a while now. I am going to get one, finally. Hopefully. I need to save for it. But I have a bit of a head-start. Firstly, I need to pay my credit card bill. I hopefully will have it by the beginning of April.

I hate the way technology is sneaking it's way into education, but I have come to admire it, in someways. I think that technology can be beneficial in the classroom, with limitations. I think there should simply be somedays that are "No technology" days, and I think that using iPads to connect to other students and the teacher, outside of the class, is a good idea. I don't know. I am listening to a course/podcast on this topic. These are my opinions, though.

Lastly, I am writing my book. I have 2 chapters done. It is turning into an essay-esque, rant about my ideas of how society should be run and how we can achieve an ideal society. It's kind of a dystopia of a utopia. But I mix my own life into it as an example. So it's kind of an autobiography as well. I'm not sure where it is going. I should probably set out times to write, but in general I just write when I'm inspired, same with my blog.

In other news: my FlipCam hates me. I think I accidentally deleted the software on my computer for it. So, this means that I will not be uploading any of the youtube videos I made. I have iMovie on my iPhone, so I can make videos on my iPhone and edit them, but it is really annoying to use, too. I'll try to figure out what went wrong with my flipcam, and probably will have to re-install the software. Blerg.