Marriage is changing, let weddings change too

The role of marriage is changing in society and I am embracing it. Marriage in the coldest sense is useful as two people can support each other emotionally, sexually, financially, physically and psychologically. This idea will probably prevail over time, which is good. Marriage in the oldest sense was those descriptions but under the terms of "creating a household" and maintaining it. So the traditional man working and woman cooking & cleaning is pretty much dead. Sure, women are more inclined to be stay at home moms still, but that is also on the premise that people in marriages have children.

The idea that having children sanctifies a relationship is dead. If you want to have children, go for it, but I don't need offspring to justify my relationship. My fiancé and I help each other in all of the ways married people do. There are big steps and big ways we are helping each other everyday. We do the type of stuff that would probably be a good idea to have a prenup for right now, despite the fact that we are not married. I suppose we are common law now? I think we are. I don't even know.

We were supposed to get married this year on September 3rd, but we are not now. I am beyond annoyed at the reason why, which I will get to soon. Before I explain why I am so upset, let me clarify a few things. I don't want a wedding. Sure, when I first got engaged I looked over my already-pinned pins on Pinterest and added more, as a matter or fact, I made a lot of different boards for my wedding. Then it went on to actually planning the wedding. I couldn't find the perfect place for the perfect price, I kept looking, I kept trying, and eventually I just didn't care anymore. I don't need a wedding. I don't need a big wedding dress (though I already have one). I don't want to have people watching us as we get married, that is so weird.

A wedding is not a performance, but everybody thinks that it is. It is a performance to all that each other's families have done for each other. Parents are thanked for raising the kids, friends and siblings are thanked for being there for them as they grew up, blah blah blah. So in a sense, weddings really do set up to seem like funerals for past lives too. Weddings were created to unify two families together. That is why I want a marriage and not a wedding. I don't want to unify anything. I have said this many years ago on my blog, but families are dead. Sure, they raise you and usually are "there for you" but you don't choose them. Yet, you never "break up" with your family members. Usually when there is an estranged family member, that's all they are. They are still a member of the family, they just did something that the rest of the family can't bare and are embarrassed to have the same last name and shared blood.

Hell, even friendships can have breakups more intense than families. I guess it's the sense that you once chose that friend and now you can un-choose them. Family you can't really do that to. I don't mind my family, they're okay. My mom is there for me and I love a few other family members but most of my family I have no idea what they are up to and I don't care. They don't ask about me, I don't ask about them, there is no need for a reunion.

So why the hell should these people be involved in the relationship that I chose all on my own with nobody's help? We weren't set up, our mothers have met once, our families are not close, why do we need to bring them together?

There is no reason for this bullshittery.

So the reason why I am mad? I planned a wedding. I had finally done it. I was excited, I was extremely pumped to get married and have a wedding with about 20 close family and friends, but the problem: his mother didn't feel included in the planning and she has no more holidays to take time off of work to go to the wedding. Fuck that shit. I planned a wedding, I am not planning another one. NOBODY NEEDS TO PLAN MY WEDDING. I don't even want a wedding! So I gave Nick an ultimatum, since he is the one who wants the wedding, not me. Either we get married on September 3rd like we both wanted, we elope (just the two of us) or he plans a wedding for us dated next year before the summer is over. He chose the latter.

The funny thing is that this September 3rd wedding was an elopement. It was barely a wedding. I was working with a company that specializes in elopements and small weddings.

This is just one of the differences between Nick and I. Although he is not a big "family man" he definitely values family more than I do. I value my mom for what she has done, but I don't "value family". Marriage is about two people. Unless your life is Everybody Loves Raymond, that is.

Anyways. If anyone can think of good ways I can convince Nick to elope with me, that'd be great. His reasoning that he doesn't want to is that "people have to be happy with our wedding for the rest of our lives and he doesn't want people resenting us". Well as true as that is, my wedding I just planned got cancelled, so let's hope I don't resent that either. I doubt that I will, but I guess we will just see what pans out.

Does anybody else share similar feelings about family to me?

20 Things I've learned before 20

I am not 20 until October, but after reading a HuffPost article on things one learned by their fifties I felt inspired.  I see the repeated theme of professing what you have learned at a certain age so I decided to profess my own lessons I have learned before 20. 

1. Don't misuse your childhood. You are young once, and once you hit somewhere between 10-13, everything changes. Responsibility is good, but don't take for granted those times in your life when you don't have to work and don't have to provide for yourself.

2. Coffee and alcohol are important substances in your life. Coffee keeps you awake, and alcohol let's you free. Don't abuse either of them, as I have done both in the past and been in withdrawal from both and also addicted to both. Find your happy medium.

3. You will never know what you want to do. Ever. Or at least most likely. If you told me this when I was 16, I would've hated you and despised you. I hated when adults told me I might change my mind about what career path I wanted. Now I am so unsure. Even if you think in your head you know the path you want, you might not find a job where you want, with who you want, or be able to get into the school you want to get into. I was talking to my mom and she never thought she would be in banking for 22 years, a stay at home mom for 10, and then work at a library for the last bit of her life until she retired. Also, I always told myself I didn't want to get married, before I went into university I basically told myself I was going to be a bit of a slut, and what did I do? Met a guy the week before school started, fall in love, move in after 6 months, get engaged after 11 and we are now getting married a few days just before our 2 year dating anniversary. Whoops! It's okay to change your mind. My favourite quote of all time: Speak what you think now in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words though it contradict everything you say today - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

4. People will underestimate you and your abilities because you are young, and don't deal with that shit. Don't put up with it. It still happens to me even though I am not dependant on my mom anymore. I got a new job recently and the person in charge of payroll told me it was fine if I couldn't figure out how to fill out the employment forms and that a parent could help me. Okay, valid information but I have done this so many times. I handed them back to her flawlessly filled out and she was shocked. 

5. People will judge your decisions and their opinions usually don't matter. When people judge your decisions it is tough to do with what they tell you. Some opinions are wise but most don't matter at all. In the end you have to decide for yourself and say "fuck you" to all the others.

6. It's not bad if you end up in retail, in fast food or in a chain store working for the rest of your life. That's not my life, but I have heard some amazing stories from some of the people that have been working in retail for a long time and they still have genuinely amazing and happy lives. I always judge people with those lifestyles for being unhappy. I've learned that you are to choose your jobs based on a few things: the people that are there are good, you are happy, you are earning enough money to live comfortably within your own standards of happiness. 

7. You can't control what happens in life but you can control your reaction to what happens. Sure, you can make decisions like I want to ride the bus and go to work but you could be hit on by a girl or guy, you could choose to talk to someone on the way, you could witness a murder, and your reactions to these actions of others is what determines who you are. If you choose to ignore that guy or girl hitting on you, that could've been the start of something new, if you react badly to witnessing a murder it could really mess you up or even give you PTSD. These choices of reactions are what determine who you are. Life is basically like, I want to be a psychologist I will go into psychology, OKAY GOOD, I got into a university, I will take first year psych, sweet I got in, okay now I failed a course, do I drop out or try hard? All of these things, getting into the school, into the course and finishing the course are things you can't necessarily control. You can control how hard you try in school but you can't always control how well you learn in a course even if you try super hard. The choice to try the course again or drop it is a more important choice than what you made to attend that school and do a psych degree.

8. High school is completely irrelevant. You forget most of it. Unless you get super involved in athletics or student council, it just basically becomes a distant memory. The only thing you get out of high school is basic knowledge required for life, and usually some lifelong friends. That's it. The memories are cool and whatnot but all of the stress and pain you felt in high school becomes completely insignificant once you're done. 

9. This one is for the ladies: periods are nothing to be embarrassed about. It might sound ridiculous to older folk but I just remember being 13-16 and being so afraid of my period that I would wear like 2 pairs of underwear and I would be afraid to change my pad at school because than the other girls would hear the package open. Now I don't give two shits. It is something we all have to deal with and for some reason that never occurred to me in high school. 

10. Sex is normal and natural and not to be ashamed of. It's the people staying abstinent until marriage who I think are a little off. You're going to be married *hopefully* forever and sexual compatibility is one of the biggest parts of your relationship. 

11. Sexual orientation isn't really a big deal unless people make a big deal out of it. You are gay, cool, you're straight, also cool. I've never actually come out of whatever closet I am in because I feel like my sexuality is not really other people's business other than who I am with and maybe my friends. If people ask me I'll tell them but it's not really something people ask. The only reason sexual orientation is a bigger deal is because people still reject some orientations like being gay or anything really other than being straight. Sexual orientation itself is only one little detail of yourself. 

12. You are the most important person in your own life. Don't dedicate your life to anything other than your own happiness, at least not primarily. Don't put your job before yourself, don't put your partner before yourself. Sure, at times work will take over for a little bit, your partner might be dealing with something that you need to put yourself aside for awhile for, but in general, you are the most important person. You are the only thing you can control in this life. 

13. You will never be sure of your actions, and if you are, holy shit you are good. Do what feels right and act in a way that makes you feel okay about what you are doing. Trust your own instincts.

14. It is never too late to change your mind and take things slow. I used to be afraid of changing my mind about school, careers, and I just wanted to speed through my education and get settled in a career. Now I am not so sure. I am finishing my BA now and I am pretty sure my next step is a masters degree in philosophy or organizational behaviour, but if I don't get into school right away, I can work other jobs until I do, and if I never do, I'm sure I can find work wherever I go, even if the job itself is mundane but the people are good and the salary is also fair. 

15. Don't expect people to be your cheerleader. Your partner and friends should be cheering you on from the sidelines but sometimes you need to cheer for yourself. Act on reasons that you have to justify to yourself. I was explaining why I run to a coworker of mine and she was really shocked at how much it is that I am actually just running for myself and for nothing else. 

16. Certain words said in your life in passing will fuck you up really good. Be careful of what you say to others, but you can't know what will mess someone up. You could say a trigger word that causes someone to remember something in their life that is sad, a certain compliment or complaint to another person could affect their entire life. Don't take what others say to you too personally, either. A teacher of mine told me to always be confident and that really hit a home run all through high school with myself wondering how confident I really am and questioning my anti-social tendencies. Her comment wasn't a bad one, though, it just heavily affected my life. A psychologist once told me never to pursue philosophy, and also told me that I am "perfect" otherwise. Well fuck being perfect, I want to be happy. 

17. Friends come in and out of your life like crazy. You'll be best friends with someone for a month, and never talk to them again. You will have friends from the time you are 2 for a very long time and you will develop these lifelong friends. They are the ones that you talk to sometimes but not always. They are the ones who tend to know you the best. It's also okay to be lonely for a while and not talk to many people either. 

18. Understand what credit is before you get a credit card, and don't get a credit card with more than $500, or more than what you can handle. Even the most responsible people (like me) can get messed up with paying too much in fees because you can't afford to pay off your bill. 

19. You're never really alone. There will always be someone out there that could be your friend. Being alone is also something you should cherish. Alone time is amazing and you should cherish every moment of it because someday you may not have much alone time. 

20. Do what you want. It's your life, your choices, your time. Trust yourself. 

Liquered up Logic!

So I decided to finally change my blog title and link. It used to be dadcanihavesomecrackerjacks.blogspot.com and called The Caffeinated Philosophy Experiment. Now it is Liquered up Logic! I chose this title because not only do I love alcohol and logic/philosophy but I think it is pretty funny as well, since most of the time drunk people are not very logical.

I just want to give a quick update on my summer, basically I have had one month down and three more to go until back to school. I am so pumped for next year because I am taking more philosophy courses than usual, it is about half philosophy and half psychology, since I am doing a double-major. I considered dropping my psychology major because I enjoy philosophy a lot more than psych, but my school is pretty much rundown so it may not even be possible to complete a philosophy major... actually I know it would be possible, literally JUST possible to complete it, but I don't want to risk more courses being cut next year.

My school is not the smartest around, but I love my professors. It is just the admit/finances that are thrown off. It still offers a major in philosophy and for first year students entering this year: there are not even enough courses available for this major unless they add more philosophy courses in later years for them.

Anyways. One month down, and three to go. I am not in a hurry at all, but I am looking forward to August. I get my inheritance then (oh my I sound so fancy and rich but I am really not). I need the money so badly. I am only getting 12-20 hours at my job currently. I got a second job recently but I haven't started yet. I am waiting for my police background check to go through. Which I think is ridiculous that I had to do one, but I understand why. That job is only 12 hours a week, but at least thats more than what I was getting before. Either way, I need the hours badly right now. Nick and I both need more money, and he is working full time and earning more than minimum wage right now.

My favourite thing with people my age is being excited when "earning more than minimum wage". Full-time work and earning minimum wage is $22,880 a year, which is nothing. In Ontario minimum wage right now is $11.00 an hour, which is way more than when I started work. The thing with minimum wage is that people are trying to raise it... and it does raise in October up to $11.25 an hour. That brings yearly earnings up to $23,400. Sure, every little bit helps but come on. I pay $4500 in rent (and I have low rent) and I do not even have full-time hours... you are LUCKY to find full-time, especially living in a student city. I applied for 3 jobs that I am 100% qualified for, sales which I have over a year of experience in, barista work which I have experience in and library work which I have 4 years of experience in. I got the job at the library but I didn't even get the best highest paying job out of the three jobs offered. It's rough out there.

Anyways. I am looking forward to August. I am also looking forward to September 3rd... which is when I might be getting married... (but you didn't hear that from me). So Nick and I have been engaged for maybe 10 months now, and I have been trying to plan the wedding the whole time. The problem is that we don't want to spend more than $5000, and are even trying to keep it under $2500 and we were booking too early at first for a wedding next year and then we decided we wanted to get married this year and it was too late to book. I finally found a place I like and is priced reasonably and I am working on booking it for September 3rd, a thursday. Just before back to school. But for those who know me, don't be surprised if that date changes. It has changed about 10 times already. We are either going to have 20 guests or 40 guests, depending on how cheap we can find food. The 20 guests we are having are basically our 5 closest family members and 5 closest friends each. The extra 20 include coworkers, people's partners and distant family, if we choose to invite them.

Everything depends on cost all of the time in our lives and it is driving Nick and I crazy. We are going to be in so much debt forever. If things pan out in our lives education and job wise, we will be fine, but the likelihood of that happening is slim. If Nick gets into law school and gets the perfect jobs and whatnot along the way, we will be fine. If I get into a masters and Phd program in philosophy and get into a university teaching and get tenure, things will be fine. But these two things happening are not super likely to happen. I will probably end up with some kind of office job in a school earning a good $50,000 a year while he will probably end up becoming a computer tech of some kind because that seems to be where he is heading, despite his law-school career that he aims for.

Life, eh?

If you told me 4 years ago that this would be my life right now I would've laughed you away. In the best terms possible without putting myself down too much... I was basically assuming I was going to be a single slut all through university. I didn't want to settle down... ever, and now look what I am doing? I met a guy a few days before school started and now we are getting married.

Anyways, I am rambling on. Thanks for reading this if you did. This is an atypical post for me, usually I talk about other things, I just figured that I would give a life-update type post with my blog-update post.

Money is bogus, am I right?