Hopes, Dreams and 40.

Hello there, I didn't see you there! That is kind of a good thing, because if I was watching you right now, that would be creepy.

Oh my god I love this life so much right now. Fuck yea.

This week was pretty life changing.
1. I applied to university.
2. Decided more of what I want to do (once again).
3. Got closure. Opened my eyes... and moving on.

How come when you have the greatest opportunity to do what you want... you get a giant realization and you no longer want to do that thing. I am not going to get too specific (as per usual) but tomorrow I get the car to myself. There was something I wanted to do once I got the car, which I have been wanting to do for literally a year... and I could do it tomorrow. But then on Tuesday, I had a complete revelation. I no longer want to do that because the reason I had to do it, no longer exists.

I am hurting pretty bad actually. This is all because of #3. Moving on. It hurts. I don't want to move on. But I am. Well, I certainly do want to move on. This is just another chapter of my life, closed. So it stings a little.

In other news, I am going to completely change the world.

Also, I changed my semester 2:
World Issues
Writers Craft
Peer Tutoring
Law.

I think this will be a good semester. World Issues + Law I get to express my social sciencey side, Writers craft my creative, and peer tutoring my educational.

As I see myself, I have a few different sides:
My worldly/social sciencey type, which is the person who really really likes things like history, psychology, sociology, political science, philosophy.
My creative side, I like to make art and write.
My athletic side, which is my running and lifting.
My inspirational side, which is my liking of education and constant need to change things/people.

I would really like to express myself more in my blog, and youtube. 2 Summers ago I tried to start vlogging and such on youtube. It didn't last too long. I think I want to start making videos about my opinions on like current events and such. I want to get political attention. What I mean by this, is I want to start doing the things I want to do NOW. I want into politics now, I want to be in the public eye.
You can quote me on this.

It's funny because anything I have said on the internet can easily be brought to scandal in politics, (even though I am not scandalous at all) but it doesn't matter.

I don't need to wait to be 40 to do the things I want in my life.

My blogs are so weird.
But so am I.
So that makes sense.

School, School, School and the moon.

Somedays I love life and others I just want to die.

Some people may call this bipolar disorder.
Or just an attention grab.

But I call it life.

Sometimes I am extremely motivated to do anything, and sometimes I just want to lay in bed all day.

But you know what? I think I am going to have to live with this.

This constant inability to focus for more than 30 minutes.
My weird demands for getting shit done.

I just... I don't even know.

When I do homework/assignments at home I need to move every so often. Sometimes I need to lay on the floor or have my feet raised above my head, just to focus better. I'm not sure that it always works. But sometimes just for 5 minutes.

At school I am better. If a teacher is watching me I will probably focus better. Depending on the teacher. Sometimes I'll just like study the teacher, watching what they do. "Oh there goes _______ writing down the lesson plan. Now _______ is reading a book." Like who does that?

I do that a lot. I can't focus.

I have a test/quiz friday, an essay due friday, I have to re-write my exercise science test for bonus marks...

Theres the other thing. Tests. I can't remember anything. It is driving me NUTS!

Oh, in my last blog I complained about my english teacher a lot. She still drives me nuts, but I had a conversation with her the other day that made me feel differently. We were just talking about an assignment, but I just really feel I need to change her perspective of me.

I've kind of messed up a few things with 2 of my teachers this year. Like really dumb things. Like my english teacher I submitted this really questionable short story. It was the one I posted on here, except I basically added in a sex scene. Not quite, but you can catch my drift.

The other teacher, at the beginning of the year, you know how they have those pieces of paper you fill out with contact info and sometimes some other questions? Well the one question was "Future career?" and I answered "Not striving for a career".

It's actually kind of funny, because every so often this teacher will lean over to me and try to get me EXTREMELY interested in some topic. I express a little bit of interest in something and she's all like "DO THAT!!". Today she was talking about interesting jobs she never heard of and she was like "And a physiotherapist! You could do that!" and she looked at me.

I'm like oh god.

But the truth is, okay, I am not striving for a career, but I am going to get one. I decided I have to go along with society if I want to live here. But I am going to do many things. Here is a list of things I WANT to do. And its not like I am picking one, I plan on doing all of them:
- Highschool teacher
- Author
- Politician
- University Professor

In other news, I have a history presentation next week, and I am really looking forward to it. That is something that has REALLY changed about me. I love doing presentations. I love talking and having people listen to me. I don't necessarily volunteer to go first, but I love doing them. I am not good at them either. But I am still extremely excited. I loved doing my Family studies, law and history ones last year! Now I am just like wheeeeeee!

I have to do a soliloquy for english. I am not as excited over that, because it is shakespeare. But maybe I can prove myself to my english teacher again.

I realized that I have an insane amount of respect for my teachers. Their opinions of me mean A LOT. It's so weird.

Oh. Also, I have a guidance appointment tomorrow. I might switch into law, I might switch out of data management. I do want to change my semester 2. But I mainly made the appointment to complain about things to guidance. I mean... totally, it is to drop data management ;).

I have an intense headache right now.

Anyways I will tell you this:
I am going to finish my English Essay
I am also going to finish my Exercise Science test corrections.

Also, I am going to go to the gym tonight for 2 FULL hours (no skipping out sarah!!) and then shower, take a walk then sleep.

Time to STOP PROCRASTINATING AND FREAKING OUT SARAH!!!!

Okay. Well, that is it.

Oh, also I talk to the moon sometimes and that is pretty chill.

I am so... thinky.

I think so much that not only do I think about thinking a lot, but I think about how I think about thinking about a lot.

I've also been known to think about how I think about how I think about thinking a lot.

I am not even kidding you.

I like to ask myself a lot of "What if?" questions. A lot of my dreams tend to be based off of these questions. Usually I'll ask myself "What if?" to a really weird question, and then I will think of an answer I don't like, and think of answers I do like. I usually dream of the one I don't like, or at least shouldn't like, then all I want is for that thing to happen.

Did you follow that?
I'm bored.

Things that Drive Me Nuts
1. My English teacher.
2. Not being able to do something because I am "too young"
3. Being patronized.
4. Affirmative action.
5. My English class.
6. Unhealthy foods.
7. My friends.
8. The song "Truck Yeah"
9. My horrifyingly bad memory
10. My English teacher patronizing me.
11. Certain people chewing gum.
End of list for now.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

Okay hi my name is Sarah and I should probably figure out what I am doing with my life.

Why?

Because fuck shit.

Bye.

40

40 Is the best age to be. Or in your 40s.

For some things.

When you are 40, you are treated with respect. You are not disrespected for being too young, and you are still not yet too old to do things like running, and you cannot order off the seniors menu.

If you are a politician (especially female) and you are in your 40's, you seem like you are a good average age, not too old and outdated, and not too young and foolish.

When you are 40, you seem to have matured.

If you had kids, they are usually (average age of giving birth is 27) in their teens, so you don't have to worry about babysitters.

The best years of life are your 40s. You are reaching that age where you start thinking more about retirement, but you are also still able to remember highschool memories.

40 Is a good age to be.

Your 40s are the best years of your life.

This is my thesis. (Sort of).

Dreams

I love dreaming so much. Sometimes I have weird dreams... usually sexual ones or dreams about my teachers. Or sexual dreams about my teachers (awkward).

But quite often, I wake up from the dream and I actually REALLY WANT whatever happened in that dream to be REAL.

Example: A few weeks ago, I dreamt I was in university, and I got a puppy. For the next week, all I wanted was a new dog for when I go to university (even now I still think this).

But I will also have like... not even sexual dreams, but just like romance dreams with completely random people in my life, and then for the next week, I usually have an awkward grade 5 crush on them because of it.

Why?

I feel like my dreams control my thoughts, not the other way around. They say it is your subconscious, and your TRUE desires. Well, I can and can't argue with that. They are, but usually my dreams are an extremist point of view over a small tiny thought I may have had. Or barely had.

I don't know.

Okay now.

So I hate to say that I was inspired by something in Breaking Dawn... but... whatever.

I don't think I am revealing too much as a spoiler here, but if for some reason you are afraid, look away now.




At the end of the movie, Edward and Bella are together and talking about how they are now going to live their lives together... forever. I started thinking "What a drag" it must be to live with the same person for eternity. Like wouldn't that life suck after a while, having nothing to do, only the one you love. I thought it was cheesy, and quite frankly, weird.

But then I started thinking "I don't think I'll ever be like that with anyone". Then I realized... there is someone in my life, I would LOVE to spend eternity with. If we were immortal. I would be the happiest person alive. I actually can't believe how long it took me to think of this person in this context. But it is true, I suddenly understood that no, it is not cheesy, sure a life by yourself for eternity, would be boring and suck, but with the one you love, it is not.

Although I thought some more (like I always do) and imagined the possibility of being able to live an eternity with a different person (no one specific) and I said yes, I could. I think that although I do love someone, that there is a possibility that there is someone else I may love equally... maybe even more.

But nevertheless, my case rests that yes, cheesy is real.

How to be Skinny

Step 1: Don't want to be skinny, want to be fit and healthy.
The difference?

Skinny: No muscle tone, no muscle. This is kind of an extreme picture, but I couldn't find any other.


Fit: A person who EATS HEALTHY, and MOVES THEIR BODY.

The main difference? The one at the bottom goes to the gym probably about 8-12 hours a week, and eats probably somewhere between 1500-2000 calories a day. She is also happy because she sees the results she likes, AND working out makes you happier (endorphins!!!).

2. Eat healthy.
This is hard. But eat something with lots of protein, and not a lot of unhealthy fats. You need calories to move your body. If you do not eat calories and you try to lose weight, it will not work because your body will start taking the energy from your MUSCLES and using IT as energy. You will feel more depressed.

Also this means do not eat anything unhealthy. We know the difference.

3. Join a gym.

4. Go to that gym, not too much, but not too little. If you are new to the gym, slowly move into doing larger workouts. If you want to be "skinnier" do CARDIO, and not that weak stuff on the elipticals, get your ass on the treadmill and run OR walk at a VERY HIGH incline.
Also, learn what weights are. Lift them. Don't be afraid you will "get bulky" you will not, that takes a LONG TIME and usually takes a bit of natural ability (for girls).
A good amount of time to go to the gym a week is 8-10 hours I would say. Doing half of it in Cardio and half of it in weight training. Go 4-5x a week. Don't train the same muscle group every day.
If you are EXTREMELY TIRED and DO NOT want to go to the gym one day, that is fine. You are probably working out TOO MUCH.
If you have a LOT OF ENERGY after going to the gym, and even the day after, you are doing it right.

5. Mark your progress. Make a chart, write it in a book, remember it. Write down your weight, your waist measurements, etc. Know your body fat %. AIM TO LOWER YOUR BODY FAT %, not altering your appearance (okay maybe a bit). Learn your body fat %, there are online tests (that aren't overly accurate). Most gyms have a body fat % measurer. Learn what your body fat % means.
Repeat these steps MONTHLY. Even though you may not look overly different in a mirror, the numbers will show it.
IF THEY DON'T follow these steps:
1) Are you REALLY eating healthy? Are you ACTUALLY eating? If the answer is no, then you know why.
2) Did you skip any workouts? Skipping a few is fine, but going to the gym 5 times a month, although will help, is less effective than 12 times.
3) Are you tired? You are probably overtraining, and you need a new routine. Google new moves and ways to do things, increase your reps and sets, try new things. Take a 3 day break.
4) Are you in shape already? If you have reached a standstill, you may have reached a "good shape". Although you can still change it, it will slow down. Example: I am 125 pounds, I reach standstills at WEIGHTGAINING. I have to increase my reps and sets and weight max every so often, so I can gain muscle.

6. Treat yourself.
Don't always eat healthy. Don't reward yourself for weight loss with an icecream sundae. Don't treat yourself everyday. On occasion (a birthday, a weekend, a party, you just REALLY NEED IT/WANT IT and haven't had anything unhealthy in 2 weeks) etc, it is FINE to allow yourself something unhealthy. It will not make you put on 5lbs.

7. Follow this advice:
Know that you aren't cheating on your workout, you are cheating on yourself.
It takes time, but so does everything.
Your body is the machine that gets you through life, treat it nicely.
Have a reason for why you are doing this. If it is to "be thin" that is not good enough.

The Golden Rule of Being HEALTHY:
It is a lifestyle. You cannot be healthy one week and unhealthy the next. This takes a while, you must COMMIT. Commit. This will be your #1 spouse. Commit to this HEALTHY lifestyle. You will be happier, live longer and feel stronger.

You are not dieting. You are not losing weight....
You are committing to a lifestyle and making good choices.

Why

Sometimes my ribcage just sinks back into my heart. I loose all of the air in my lungs... and I just... sink.

How can something so amazing happen to me today, and something so horrid as well? Of course the latter always happens last, so you go to bed with poor thoughts.

I suppose I should choose to have positive thoughts. But I like being sad. I feel like it is appropriate to feel sad.

I just wish that the person that made something so amazing happen to me, could be here with me now, and be sad with me.

I just have no words. None.

I always think of myself as a strong person, and that I can handle things. I like to think of myself as a fight person, and not a flight person. But the truth is, sometimes I am very weak, and the easiest things in the world hurt me. Sometimes I just want to run away. Other times I am very blunt and angrily honest. Then, I am a fight person.

I also think of myself as a leader, and not a follower. I think that a leader would need to be a fight person. But maybe the occasional flight wouldn't hurt anyone.

That reminds me of the hummingbird. Oh how I love it. I love the hummingbird so much. I have so many memories associated with hummingbirds. Let me briefly explain my top 5.
5. The time my dad and I rescued a trapped hummingbird in the bird feeder
4. As a kid, I had a LOT of imaginary friends... but only a single hummingbird.
3. The time I was able to hold a hummingbird, after my dad rescued it from a spider web.
2. I had this black stone with a gold engraved hummingbird in it. As a child, I believed it could give me magical powers.
1. The time my dad gave me a hummingbird necklace... and I broke it, so the next time he was in the area where he bought the last one, he bought me a second one. I still have it today.

I love how jumpy my ideas get.

Anyways, Goodbye.

Flapsnackle

I always try to get in an extremely deep and extremely depressive or happy mood before I blog. Or at least some form of philosophical or inspirational role. But half of the time, I don't know what to say. Like right now. So I shall google it!

Okay. I just found a Q&A to do. It's not one like "What is your favourite colour?" it is more in depth. So. Here goes..

If something is forbidden, do you want it less or more? 

It depends on the thing. I usually don't want it more or less if I know it is forbidden... but I suppose some things like foods I might want more. In general I don't think I really am impulsive like that...

Is there an area of your life where you feel out of control? An area where you feel especially in control?

I feel out of control about my financial situation I guess. I want money, but I don't want to work for it. So I can't really control that.. so...

If you unexpectedly had a completely free afternoon, what would you do with that time?

Watch The Office or 30 Rock, and go to the gym.

Are you comfortable or uncomfortable in a disorderly environment?

Uncomfortable. If it is not uncomfortable, I make it so.

How much time do you spend looking for things you can’t find?

Depends on how badly I need it. Example: Keys. I need my keys, so I look until I find them or come up with another solution. Something like a food item, I probably would spend less than a minute on before giving up.

Are you motivated by competition?

Yes. So motivated, in fact, that I motivated myself right to injury in cross country.

Do you find it easier to do things for other people than to do things for yourself?

Definitely not. It is easier to do things for me.

Do you work constantly? or think you should be working?

I suppose I do to a degree. Like I will be watching TV then I'll be like "I should do homework". Only about 30% of the time after thinking this, I do it.

Do you embrace rules or flout them?

Ooh! Flout! Interesting word! Yes, I definitely flout rules.

Do you work well under pressure?

Generally I don't.

What would your perfect day look like?

Wake up, go for a walk and eat breakfast and drink coffee, go to school or somewhere to learn, like a library or just exploring. Then I would probably get lunch with some friends, and then I would go to the gym. I might read something, and then I'd eat supper and explore the internet with my lover (okay the latter was a joke).

How much TV do you watch in a week (including computer time spent watching videos, movies, YouTube)?

Around 9 hours, probably. I'm ALWAYS watching my seasons of 30 rock and the office. But I usually multitask, like I'll watch it while eating breakfast or getting dressed in the morning.

Are you a morning person or a night person?

Is it bad to say that I believe I am both? I don't really think that I work more efficiently at any time of the day, more than another. I suppose I could say I work best from 8:30AM-9PM ish. Before or after that, you might as well be speaking with some form of jelly in a jar...

What’s more satisfying to you: saving time or saving money?

Saving time.

Do you like to be in the spotlight?

Definately.

Is your life “on hold” in any aspect? (e.g., until you finish your thesis, get married, lose weight)

Yes. My age and lack of education restricts me in pretty much everything I wish to accomplish in life. Hurry up 18th, 19th and 21st as well as a PhD and a BA!  

What would you do if you had more energy?

Probably explode. I always have lots of energy... well I suppose I can't say always. But since I workout so much, I always have a lot of energy. 

If you suddenly had an extra room in your house, what would you do with it?

Office space.

What people and activities energize you? Make you feel depleted?

The gym, running, learning, and debating energize me. Shopping before a workout makes me feel depleted... I can't figure out why! It is so weird.

Is it hard for you to get rid of things you no longer need or want?

Almost surprisingly, yes. If I can't throw it out, I will likely put it in a box somewhere. I am not as bad as a hoarder, but I do have some issues throwing things away. I am pretty sure I will not use that book on sign language, but maybe someday I will, therefore... I shall keep it!

Do you get frustrated easily?

Definitely. This is one of my biggest weaknesses. Frustration always leads me to anger and sadness-- likely depression. 

On a typical night, what time do you go to bed? How many hours of sleep do you get?

11pm on school nights, 12 or 1 on weekends. 6-8 hours, usually averaging at about 7 hours 20 minutes (weird).

If at the end of the year, you had accomplished one thing, what is the one accomplishment that would make the biggest difference to your happiness?

Changing society? Yep. Seems legit.

Well thats it. I feel sufficiently successful in spreading some very interesting (sarcasm) information about me.

I should write an autobiography. I would have so much fun. Actually, maybe someday I will. Like, 2 people will buy it. But still.

Things I have learned since school started.

Grade 12 is pretty crazy. Here are a list of lessons I have learned since school started back up.

1. No matter how many times you tell yourself you can do EVERYTHING on your "To Do" list, you will fail.
2. Making friends is easier than it may appear.
3. Losing friends is easier than making friends.
4. Don't be creepy around your teachers.
5. I love speaking in front of the class.
6. Sometimes the people least like you, are the most like you. You will always hate them.
7. The grade 9s every year repeat themselves.
8. Sometimes you will say stupid things, and that is okay.
9. If you ignore a teacher in public once, don't try to wave to them the next time you see them in public, they won't expect it.
10. Grade 12 is stressful.
11. There is too much pressure put upon grade 12s.
12. The University process is too confusing.
13. People don't suddenly hate you, you are probably just interpreting one of their bad days, towards yourself. Don't do that.
14. Even if people hate what you wear, they honestly in the end, do not give a shit what you wear. Except me, if you are wearing sweatpants EVERY SINGLE DAY at school, I might punch you.
15. Its easier to make someone hate you, than make someone like you.
16. You can't make someone like you.
17. If you workout, protein powder isn't "the shit" because it really doesn't do much except help in recovery.
18. Act on impulse. But not always.
19. Even thought someone drives you crazy and you hate them, you can still be physically attracted to them.
20. I still love you.
21. People don't need alcohol and drugs to get through highschool. People who think they do, are the most naive.
22. Teenagers care most about themselves, and care less about others. So really, the way you look and what you do, they care less about than themselves. They will be all ears if you are talking about them.
23. Some of the smartest kids that seem really into charity, are actually the meanest, and make you feel the most insecure. The ones that seem like they would be the least judgemental, are the most.


Lessons I would like to teach YOU about highschool:
1. Don't care about anything, ever.
2. Care about what you want to care about, don't listen to #1.
3. Getting a bad grade on one or two tests, or one or two assignments is not the end of the world, try harder and get help on the next one. You can still end up with a good average.
4. Teachers are your best friend... but not all of them. Get to know them, and then talk to them, often.
5. You will always hate one person in every one of your classes, or at least be a little annoyed of them. You may have to work with them in a project, but you will get through it.
6. You will lose many friends. You can also make friends. Don't worry about it, it will happen. Not all of them will last as long.
7. If you want to do something daring, just do it, the second time you try to do it, it will be 2x as hard. Example: You want to ask your teacher for help after class, but you are unsure if you should or not. Do it, the next day you will be 2x as nervous, and less likely to do it.
8. If someone gives you alcohol, drink it. If someone gives you alcohol, don't drink it. Your life is your choice. Teenagers are not responsible people, but you are still expected to make the right choice. Either way, its your life, and your choice, and honestly... nobody cares.
9. Nobody cares about anything. DON'T CARE.
10. You will probably do something embarrassing at least once, i.e., fall down the stairs, get ketchup on your shirt, have a booger, fart, cell phone going off in class, ANYTHING. Something will happen, be ready. And remember: Nobody will remember in 5 years. Unless you like throw up and shit yourself everywhere, then that is kind of a hard thing to forget.
11. Don't sweat anything. Everything is easy once you get the hang of it.
12. You are going to sweat everything even though I said not to. It gets easier though.
13. Everyone is different. Take advantage of this.

Seeking Approval?

I have constantly asked myself the question; Do I truly act like only myself, or do I change myself to achieve the approval of others? I really have no evidence either way to this question, so I don't see any real answer.

I guess I sometimes want to get approval for certain things from certain people. But I don't thrive on it in any way shape or form. But I do try to feed the person to try to get it, I suppose. But I don't necessarily change myself to get it. I do admit, I am different around every person I know. But that is just because of the relationship.

It does feel good to seek approval.

What I mean of this, is not necessarily being accepted for being who I am, but maybe being approved of a certain thought or idea I have. Like if I sort of feed one of my ideas to another, and they like it. Not really like I dress a certain way to get people to like me.

In other news, there is a teacher at school that I don't like too much, but I see this teacher everywhere I go. I am not even kidding. At least every other weekend I see this teacher. Either at work, at the gym, at my favourite store... it's actually beginning to drive me nutso.

In other, other news, I am going to change the world.