Sunday, March 30, 2014

Seriously? People are afraid of the "f word" (Feminsm)?

Recently in my academic writing class I am taking relentlessly in university because it is a requirement, my prof has been getting us to read a couple of essays by some feminists. My prof was making the argument that people are afraid to declare themselves as a feminist because of the negative image associated with feminists in the past. For example, being high strung, man-less and/or butch are associated with the declaration of feminism. She argued that because of this and a few other reasons that people are afraid to call themselves a feminist.

If you read my blog, you know I have a few negative words to say about feminism. You may also know I am skeptic.

So after hearing this information from my prof I started re-evaluating how I see feminism. She set up 3 views on feminism, one of which she called the "pop-culture view" which is that it is unnecessary and that these people with this view are constantly bitching about it. Well, I would associate myself with this view. Most definitely I would. But the problem is that I have had analytical thoughts about feminism. I have really thought deep down to what the meaning of feminism is to me, my life, the life of women around me, my society and globally.

 Being completely honest, I know no women born from the 90s on that have been deeply affected by issues feminists deem still present, like unequal rates of pay, various societal pressures (For example, to be girly and a mother), etc. Therefore, I have never ever felt a need to argue with the feminists for equality. Although I do recognize there are individual cases of women who need feminism from my society, and especially globally in societies other than my own. (Perhaps. It is argued that we should leave other cultures alone because they have their own way of living)

At one point my prof made the argument that it makes no sense when people want gender equality but refuse to proclaim they are a feminist because that is what feminists fight for is gender equality. This is true. I agree with this to a point. Except I argue that feminism is there to help bring up women to become equal to men as they were beneath men at one point. Whether or not they still are unequal is irrelevant to my current point. Gender equality is about making men and women equal, feminism is about bringing women up to become equal to men. This is what I say. This is my understanding of the word based on what I have seen. Never have I seen a feminist argue for men's rights unless they also claim to be a MRA (Men's rights activist). Gender equality is a lot... a LOT more than feminism. It is a lot more than bringing women up. It is not about bringing men down. It is a whole society... a systematic problem. Just how everything is run based on gender. Literally everything in our society can be brought back to gender biases.

I have had enough of this train of thought at the moment and I am going to leave it published and unfinished.

According to my prof since I believe in gender equality I have to be a feminist, or I am a feminist without claiming so. But that is her opinion and mine is not as such.

So why I am I so called "Afraid" of the "F word" being "Feminism"? It's not a fear. I don't associate feminism with anything negative. I do associate it with pointlessness just because I feel that the term should be abandoned. "Femme" is a term for a type of lesbian in modern terms but arguably, when the term "feminism" was created it was based off of the latin "femme" meaning woman. So why would we use a word that directly translates to "women practice/idea/philosophy" to represent gender equality? It is a sexist word. It really is. I love what feminists have done in history but seriously? Pick a better word.

So it is not that I fear the "F word"... actually yes it is. I fear that this is another form sexism. When I hear the word feminism I can't help but say "What about the men?". It makes no sense to start "Andronism" which would be the word equivalent to feminism but for men. Although when googled, there are results and men fighting for rights. Just stick with fucking "gender equality". There is no need for sticking "andro" and "femme" in there. No fucking goddam need.






Wednesday, March 26, 2014

New Years Resolutions Update

Just before the New Year began I created a list of 4 New Years resolutions that I wanted to accomplish throughout the entire year after I had explained how pointless and useless New Years Resolutions are for the unmotivated (click here for that post).

1) My first  goal was to run my marathon in under 4hrs 30 mins. I didn't do this... well I won't do this. The marathon I signed up for in May I am unable to run. My training went to HELL because I caught mono. Hear more about that here (this is a link to a school blog I wrote 2 posts for, the post is on my experience with mono, mostly). But I also can no longer afford the hotel for the run. It is basically my months rent, which is not a wise decision to blow. 


2) My 2nd goal is to achieve an average over 70% in university. So far I think that I am accomplishing this. My first year is almost over. I have 70s in all of my courses except 1 I have a grade in the 60s and 1 I have in the 80s. I think I will accomplish this.

3) My third goal is to get a job before the summer. I have 2 jobs... well really one. I am working at a store at the mall (I start tomorrow and I am quite excited!). 

4) My final goal is to  manage my money and not overspend and create a budget and I will stay in my budget. I got lost for quite a while in this but the past 3 weeks have gotten a lot better with staying in my budget--- especially now that I am living with my boyfriend in an apartment and I have monthly rent to cover. 

So my goals are going fairly successfully. I am creating a 5th goal now.

5) I will run a marathon this year. Since I can't run the one in May I might save up and run one in October or something. I will have the summer to train and I will stick to my guns!


Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Why I don't really want to have kids

My mind is not 100% made up, come on, I am 18... but I don't want to have kids.

Kids have never been a huge part of my life, I don't desire to raise them. This isn't my main reason I don't want to have kids though.

I really just want to focus on my career, once I am older. I want to really do something in my career. This isn't my main reason I don't want to have kids though.

If I have a partner later in life, I want to be able to focus my love and energy on them and not my kids. This isn't my main reason I don't want to have kids though.

I don't want to wreck my body. This isn't my main reason I don't want to have kids though.

The main reason I do not want to have kids is because I am selfish. I am very, very selfish. I live for myself. I want to be able to be free from the restrictions of having kids. I don't think I could be able to put another person that far before myself. In a relationship, quite often you have to put your partner before yourself, not all of the time, but there is the odd moment, but the thing is that your partner is self-sufficient. If you just decide you want to go to the store by yourself to get ice cream, you can't abandon your 2 month old or 5 year old. 

Your life is tied down in ways you don't want to. 

I really REALLY just wasn't supposed to be born with a uterus. I hate my uterus more and more everyday. I really do. I am not going to get a hysterectomy, especially since I am only 18 and I may change my mind and decide to have kids someday, but I really just hate that I have a uterus. Not that I want to be a guy. I just want to be a person that doesn't have to get pregnant. 

There are only 3 reasons I can see myself having children:
1) I get pregnant and find out when it is too late to have an abortion (I don't want to put up a kid for adoption)
2) I am bored later in life and feel like something is missing and I decide to have kids
3) I am single. This way I can focus all of my energy onto my kid(s). If I have a kid I don't want to have a partner because I don't want to put something ahead of myself, let alone my partner. 

I am not a feminist in the slightest. I just hate my uterus. I am not meant to have kids and I think that people should think I am brave for this. I know I wouldn't be the best mother, not that I would be a crappy one if I were to get pregnant, but I don't desire to be a mother. It's just like having a job you need the money for but don't want to work. That is the type of effort I would put into parenting. I would do the job of parenting but hate it because I wish I didn't have it, but I would appreciate the kid/job because I have it. 

This is early to be thinking about, but if you read my blog you know I like to plan ahead far into the future. 

At this point I don't see myself having kids until I am 102.


Monday, March 3, 2014

So, I don't have a learning disability.

Last year I noticed something different a few months after I started my first year of university. I was having trouble concentrating on material, in lectures and while studying and writing assignments. I was pretty sure I had ADD. Most others around me also thought I had ADD when I described my symptoms to them. Thus, the journey began.

I approached my family doctor about my concerns and she referred me to my school to be tested for learning disabilities because she wouldn't prescribe me anything without a diagnosis. So I went to my school. They did some preliminary testing and told me that I am above average in my intellectual ability but I might be on the borderline of ADD. This was all found out around November, 3 months after I started university.

Today I finally had my appointment with the testing centre. My results? I don't have ADD. I don't have any learning disabilities. Again: I am above average in my intellectual ability.

I literally stumped the psychologist. My grades have dropped 20% since high school. Something is different, something has had to have changed.

Inevitably, grades do drop in university from high school but things just feel harder here. Or easier. I am bored. The material I am learning is not what I want to be learning. I find it boring. I love my majors (psychology and philosophy) but my profs are not doing it justice.

I explained all of this to the psychologist and he has decided to try to piece things together. Essentially, he thinks my inability to focus on my work has to do with my motivation, despite me having very high goals in my future. I have amazing goals it is just the tasks I have to accomplish to get to my goal (school) is not my cup of tea. I am stressed all of the time. I am bored. I am unengaged. I do not care about what I am learning. Even if I transferred schools it would still be the same format of learning.

So what do I do? The psychologist I saw informed me he was going to dwell on me a little longer and then contact the learning strategist I have been working with at my school and the three of us will work together. 

I wish I had a learning disability. I wish my problems could be solved with strategies or medication. But my problems are bigger than this because they cannot be fixed. My problems are my choices to face because of the goals I want to accomplish. 

This is the biggest rut of my life. I am sad. I am depressed. School depresses me. But I want to attain my BA in Psych and BA in Philosophy and then my Bachelor of Education, perhaps my masters in Education. Why? Well, I want to teach high school. I was fed up with the high school educational system and I wanted to help fix it from within but also teach high school as well to fulfill my passion for educating and being a leader. I am now leaning towards wanting to work in university education just because of how much it takes out of me. 

The system does not work for me. It does not work for most people. Human purpose is to live. A part of living is sleeping. University students do not get enough sleep. People should be able to live the life they choose but instead we pick the unhappy route so we can conform to society. This has been troubling me for a couple of years now and I still am conforming to all of this bullshit and it is maddening me. It is depressing me. It is pushing me deeper and deeper down into my own despair.

I shouldn't care this much about the university and education system in general but I am the type of person that likes to take charge and fix things and that is what I have been inspired to do. 

But for now, I am going to keep conforming to depression. Also, I can't do anything without a degree because of credentialism. I also cannot do anything because ageism (I am 18). 

Although, I did just get a good job (FINALLY). Readers may remember getting a job was one of my goals for this year. I am a Blog Editor and Marketing coordinator, it is an executive position with my university. I don't know too much about it because I was just hired and I have not started yet, but I find out tomorrow. I am looking forward to it. I am fairly lucky, job wise, compared to other people my age. I am not working a part-time shitty stressed job with some fast food or chain store. Someday I will probably have to again, before I have my degree, but for now, I look forward to having a job that I can actually do something effectively in. I am not putting down workers of chain stores or fast food stores, I am just judging the work of those places to have higher stress than my job and I am just thankful that I will (hopefully) not have to deal with it.

So at least that is good.

But I don't have a learning disability. I probably just have the psychological disorder called "conformity".