This Fall.

The year never feels like it begins on January 1st. Maybe once I am only working and not in school, but then again, I plan on becoming a teacher so September is still going to feel like the new year to me.

I think January 1st and the beginning of September are probably the 2 biggest times for creating goals. At least for me.

So what will this fall bring? 5 courses in my second year of University. I am really looking forward to the Philosophy of Sex and Love, which is a full year course. It is a 3rd year seminar course with only 12 students and I luckily hopped in early so I got into it. It might inspire me to 1) Actually want to complete my philosophy degree and 2) consider careers in sexology. I think my average will increase, even if I don't improve my studying techniques. Everyone I know gets higher grades come 2nd year just because. I think first year profs purposely mark hard. I don't know. Whatever. I need to let go of the idea that I may have a learning disorder. I have been tested. They said no. I think I just have too much insight into the system that it frustrates me.

I forget who was saying this to me. I think it was a coworker. But we were talking about the university system and how it caters to average students. Below average students suffer because of lack of support, or if they do seek out support, tutoring usually costs money so they end up paying more. Above average students aren't challenged so they fall off the bandwagon. I have learned that I am average in some things and slightly above average in other things. The only thing I have a genius IQ in is writing, specifically essay writing. I write really REALLY fast. I have unique ideas. I think that is just that. I make grammar mistakes all of the time. I'm sure PhD students are picking them out right now, but I rarely edit my blog posts because I simply choose not to. I quickly get my ideas out and then publish them.

Anyways.

What else does the fall bring?

My marathon. October 19th. 86 days from today. My goal was to run a marathon before October 28th (my 19th birthday this year). I was supposed to run the marathon in May but then I got mono and couldn't afford the trip anymore. So that was that. But I didn't give up. I am still training. My running has worsened but it is definitely still really good. I just know I can do better. I have a goal to run 400km before September 6th. So far I have run about 24, so I have some running to do. I am going for a run tonight.

ALSO. I am signing up for dance again. I did dance as a kid, and I did a semester of it in high school. I miss it so much. I talk about it all of the time. So I am doing it. As long as the schedule swings with my schedule. I am likely doing hip hop. I considered getting back into Jazz, but honestly, I don't feel like working on my spins. I might do jazz next year along with hip hop if I still have the time and money.

Lastly: my jobs. I have to lessen the hours at the places I work but I don't know what to tell them. One of the places I work doesn't give out set shifts so I can't ask them to do that. The other place might. If that place will give me like a Tuesday morning shift and like a Saturday shift (just as an example) every week, I'll be fine with that. I'll just tell the other place to schedule around it. If worst comes to worst, I know which one I will be quitting.

I think now that everything will be okay and I won't be busy. But I will be. Sadly. 

Pornography & Aggression

Okay. Let's just pause and think for just a moment.

A common thread of thought is that pornography causes aggression towards women, primarily.

Let's look at the facts: in many pornographic videos women are humiliated, dominated, put in bondage, fucked against their will and seem to enjoy it.

If women consent to these acts with understanding of the consequences of being filmed, identified and are aware of what acts will occur, I don't see any issue here with women's rights and whatnot. The only time this is a little iffy is when women enter pornography to be tricked into doing more than they bargained, which does occur according to a few documentaries I have watched. As long as the words of the women involved are respected and heard, there should be no problem. If halfway through a video the woman says "stop" this should also be respected. These are all no-brainers. But if what we do in the bedroom is private and nobody else gets a say, it being filmed shouldn't be an issue if the woman is consenting.

The second issue brought up with this violent pornography is whether or not it affects society. My opinion is that it does. But not in the way that is first recognized. It is not like people are tied to trees everywhere with people dressed up like cops fucking them. Not all porns actually happen like exactly what they are. That is the actual problem. Men and women get the idea that pornography is a reality. Especially if they begin watching porn before having sex. Men expect women to be thin with big boobs, removed labia, hairless everywhere, be willing to do anal, oral, be dominated, etc. Women expect men to be hung, fit, strong, dominating, etc.

That is the only problem that I see arising. But it is not coming from nowhere. The hair shaving for both men and women is a pain in the ass, and pretty much unnecessary. I read a statistic that only about 1/5 of young people are shaved. So it is not necessarily as common as seen in porn.

But the expected roles and acts for both men and women to commit, honestly, that's for couples to decide on. Sex between two people can be violent, can be passionate, I don't see pornography translating to a man's brain to think it is completely okay to tie up, choke and call a girl a "slut" on the first time. Unless that is what they both say they want on their first time having sex together, then why not.

I feel like pornography does normalize aggression in sex to those exposed to it. To people not exposed to aggressive sex, I think it is not normalized.

I think aggressive pornography is fine as long as:
A) Women involved are consenting in the porn
B) Men and/or women do not act aggressively without consent of the other partner
C) Aggressive sex is not expected of all women or men

The bottom line for couples or people having sex is that it needs to be consensual, no matter what act is happening, aggressive or not. Also, if there is a couple that is completely compatible but one partner wishes to be aggressive often during sex and the other doesn't: that is a recipe for disaster. A huge aspect of a relationship is to be sexually compatible. If someone isn't receiving the satisfaction they want or they are being pushed too far, they aren't going to trust or like the other person as much. There is no point being in a relationship like that.

Anyways. Those are my two cents... five cents. RIP penny, eh? 

My Life: now in confusing prose.

I've been scraping and nicking my knees along rock bottom, fighting and screaming ensuring I don't get caught. All people are trying not to get caught. Life really does suck.

Refutation of my frustration of my own successes. Successes are social media posts while failures do not exist:  they are enhanced. Enhanced from nothing. Nothing is still something because it exists. This is my life. Success is how I feel 

like

with my love. Love. Love. Love. LOVE. Sheets only block us from each other when we move close. Sleeping is easy. Waking up to you is like Christmas-- until realization of the dreaded stress of the day. You are the presents on my Christmas morning and shield me from the stresses of family, being snowed in and cleaning the dishes after the meal. We are voices of reason to each other. You help me from making poor choices

like

alcohol. I thought I was exaggerating my addiction. Drinking is as natural as driving on a road. Both activities are thought easy to quit but to Mr. Man quitting driving after 40 years and never taking any other methods of transportation is difficult. Quitting is not a journey. Do not call it a journey. Alcohol is amazing to me when I am drinking it. But any other time is

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WORK. Saturday 9am: By myself at work, shaking, trembling, hiding tears from customers. Withdrawal. 1pm: Coworker. Hide it. Darken. Goodbye. My career will not be

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work. Work is... fuck. Friends are here though. Wasted time for money though. Though it is all worth it 

because

home to you my dear. 

My lover - our first date & until now.

I haven't written in a month?

What the fuck?

Everyday I think "I should write in my blog soon" and then it doesn't happen for a month. Whoops.

Anyways...

I am in love with my boyfriend, Nick. We met in late August, a week or so before school started because him, myself and a friend of his/ours wanted to start a comedy club (which didn't pan out). Nick asked me to hang out and we hung out as friends. Until we made plans to go to Boston Pizza together and both of us later learned that neither of us knew whether or not it was a date. Until the end or halfway through or so. We ate at Boston Pizza and I was super nervous, but I wasn't like shaking or anything, I was just typically nervous. I had never felt nervous around him (other than maybe the first time we met, just a tad). He suggested we see a movie afterwards and saw We're the Millers.

Blah blah blah. Anyways, after the date was over he came back to res and we laid on a floor for a couple of hours playing with a mint and a dime. Yes, that happened. We kind of toyed at each other and flicked a mint across the floor. I would hold the mint or the dime and he would fight to get it out of my hands. He would hold it and I would rest my hand on his and then start trying to get it. Just feeling each others hands for the first time... was unbelievable. We are super weird, if you can't tell.

Anyways, he argues our first kiss happened on that floor. I argue that it didn't happen until the morning after. Whoops. Did I say that? Yeah. By the time our date was over and we were done mint playing it was 3am and I was "too tired and delirious to drive" and Nick didn't have a way home. Even though he said he would figure it out I told him to stay in res. After he started to move towards the living room I told him something like, "No, just come to bed with me. Not like that". Referring to sex, of course. So we passed out next to each other in a twin sized bed which we spent the next 6 months sleeping together in off and on when he came over to see me.

We grew to learn more about each other. Our newbie minor awkward dating stage was over in less than a few weeks.

He told me he loved me on October 25th, three days before my 18th birthday. I said "I think I do". I wasn't sure yet. Later he told me that he was pretty sure it was love but he questioned it. I hadn't really thought about it. November 2nd, on his birthday, I finally told him that I love him, and I did and do.

Eventually I didn't want to spend any nights apart from him. Not that I couldn't be alone, it was just that I didn't want to. We started spending more and more nights together at his parents' or at res and we talked about moving in together. I wanted to stay where school is for the summer because that is where he lives. It is also 5 hours away from all of my friends and family. But I couldn't spend a summer without him.

We decided to move in together in the summer. We ended up moving in together in March because we found an "awesome apartment" (which is now way too small and has too many things wrong with it, we want to move... even though it's not THAT bad).

Now we are just balancing life and work since school is out for the summer.

I love him. We have been together for over 10 months and living together for four of them. Our 1 year is on September 6th.

He is the reason I am alive.