I have always been the passionate type, when it comes to appreciating others, loving others, my hobbies, things I do for fun and education. I care a lot, and I care hard. It is not the most obvious of traits of mine, I have a tendency to prevent myself from appearing like I care. For instance: I very rarely give to charity, ads that are targeted to make me feel sympathy do not work. I care so much that when it comes to the things I truly love, I obsess. I make myself feel pain by making myself feel love and digging to the deepest parts of my soul to feel the pain more.
I live by falling for people, falling for their soul, falling for their appearance, their hobbies, their lives. This is not necessarily in a romantic sense or a sexual sense, of course my own boyfriend I am deeply fascinated with and find him complex and interesting, he triggers my passionate and empathetic side. But I fall for everyday people, people who seem interesting, attractive, usually something unique in their personality that makes me feel like they are of the highest kind of person.
My hobbies usually get delved into with the same passion, but it waivers. I will become deeply interested in one of the activities I love and then obsess over it for a period of time and then forget it as quickly as I remembered it.
I think this is why I was such a tortured soul when I was single because I kept romantically falling for people because that spot in my heart was empty. I kept falling in love with people, for them being people. It was lust, more than love, but it hurt like love. Seeing them would send shivers down my spine, beads of sweat across my face and I would dodge my eyes from them. I both find it too easy and too hard to stare into the eyes of a person like this.
Why am I talking about this? I have found it so hard to find this passion again. I had passion for psychology, I had passion for philosophy, passion for people, passion for hobbies, passion for learning, and whatever else I valued.
I find myself valuing things less and less, caring less and less. I think it has to do with my worldview. I have been seeing so many people that I feel the exact opposite passion for, people who also have no passion, no drive, nothing pushing them. I see them dreading on through Walmart, through the mall, down the streets, no passion or love in their step. Slowly I become one of them.
I still feel the deep care and passion within, but it is hidden much, much more since I have moved to North Bay. It has to be triggered out, someone else crying, someone in need, typically makes my caring senses and empathetic senses come out. If someone deeply needs help I am the first to be there. It is always selfless as well, I am there for those who are disabled, temporarily or permanently by something physical, mental or emotional. I connect so well with the non-perfect. Whether it is the most beautiful woman in the world hurting emotionally into my arms, or a person hurting from a loss of a loved one. I don't like to tell these strangers my name, I don't like people to know. If the person I am helping knows me I am always awkward after I am through the event.
It is like I have a whole other personality now, it is almost like I have been so ashamed of the depth of my caring that I removed it from my person and manifested it into another.
But don't get me wrong, I always look for the wrong in every situation. I am not optimistic, I don't think the good is inevitable. I look for the bad, the wrong, in good situations. Recently the local mall launched a charity drive for girls going back to school in the area (good, right?) except the girls and boys in this area that are poor and require new school supplies from donations are EQUAL. Why is this charity only benefiting the girls? I hate it. I hate it. It is not going to a third world country where girls are still fighting for education, it's just simply going to girls first and then boys. If anything boys need more encouragement now for school because the entrance rate of boys entering post-secondary education is much lower than girls.
See what I mean? A good charity and all I can do is complain and find the wrong. I just care too much about the correct, the perfect, I suppose. Maybe it is because I find it so fascinating, perfection is so interesting but also near-impossible. The things I would do for perfection are dark and terrible, which is the problem because if I was offered up perfection I would still not be perfect because of my past, my choice to commit the dark as the beginning of perfection? This makes no sense.
What the fuck were my ramblings now, even?
What was my grammar now, even?
I hate editing my posts.
Until next time,
confused & passionate, I guess.
I live by falling for people, falling for their soul, falling for their appearance, their hobbies, their lives. This is not necessarily in a romantic sense or a sexual sense, of course my own boyfriend I am deeply fascinated with and find him complex and interesting, he triggers my passionate and empathetic side. But I fall for everyday people, people who seem interesting, attractive, usually something unique in their personality that makes me feel like they are of the highest kind of person.
My hobbies usually get delved into with the same passion, but it waivers. I will become deeply interested in one of the activities I love and then obsess over it for a period of time and then forget it as quickly as I remembered it.
I think this is why I was such a tortured soul when I was single because I kept romantically falling for people because that spot in my heart was empty. I kept falling in love with people, for them being people. It was lust, more than love, but it hurt like love. Seeing them would send shivers down my spine, beads of sweat across my face and I would dodge my eyes from them. I both find it too easy and too hard to stare into the eyes of a person like this.
Why am I talking about this? I have found it so hard to find this passion again. I had passion for psychology, I had passion for philosophy, passion for people, passion for hobbies, passion for learning, and whatever else I valued.
I find myself valuing things less and less, caring less and less. I think it has to do with my worldview. I have been seeing so many people that I feel the exact opposite passion for, people who also have no passion, no drive, nothing pushing them. I see them dreading on through Walmart, through the mall, down the streets, no passion or love in their step. Slowly I become one of them.
I still feel the deep care and passion within, but it is hidden much, much more since I have moved to North Bay. It has to be triggered out, someone else crying, someone in need, typically makes my caring senses and empathetic senses come out. If someone deeply needs help I am the first to be there. It is always selfless as well, I am there for those who are disabled, temporarily or permanently by something physical, mental or emotional. I connect so well with the non-perfect. Whether it is the most beautiful woman in the world hurting emotionally into my arms, or a person hurting from a loss of a loved one. I don't like to tell these strangers my name, I don't like people to know. If the person I am helping knows me I am always awkward after I am through the event.
It is like I have a whole other personality now, it is almost like I have been so ashamed of the depth of my caring that I removed it from my person and manifested it into another.
But don't get me wrong, I always look for the wrong in every situation. I am not optimistic, I don't think the good is inevitable. I look for the bad, the wrong, in good situations. Recently the local mall launched a charity drive for girls going back to school in the area (good, right?) except the girls and boys in this area that are poor and require new school supplies from donations are EQUAL. Why is this charity only benefiting the girls? I hate it. I hate it. It is not going to a third world country where girls are still fighting for education, it's just simply going to girls first and then boys. If anything boys need more encouragement now for school because the entrance rate of boys entering post-secondary education is much lower than girls.
See what I mean? A good charity and all I can do is complain and find the wrong. I just care too much about the correct, the perfect, I suppose. Maybe it is because I find it so fascinating, perfection is so interesting but also near-impossible. The things I would do for perfection are dark and terrible, which is the problem because if I was offered up perfection I would still not be perfect because of my past, my choice to commit the dark as the beginning of perfection? This makes no sense.
What the fuck were my ramblings now, even?
What was my grammar now, even?
I hate editing my posts.
Until next time,
confused & passionate, I guess.
