New Tattoos!

INK!

Recently I have gotten a few new tattoos. For those who have forgotten, I have one tattoo, the word "fuck" on my lower left back.

I still don't regret it. I love it so much. 

Anyways, a few days ago I got this tattoo:

It's a series of blue lines wrapped around my right forearm with a red line through it, like a piece of lined paper. I got it because I like to write, I love writing by hand. I love to learn. Plus I thought it would look rad. Even the artist who did it said it is one of the most unique and cool pieces she has done. So boo-yah. 

I got two other tattoos done recently. The first is the name "Pheidippides" in greek whose existence is argued, but the story of him is most known in the battle of marathon. 

He was sent around Greece during the war to deliver news, travelling hundreds of kilometers and eventually dropping dead with a sweeping declaration that they won. I got it because 1) I love ancient history and 2) I ran a marathon and his running is essentially the creation of the marathon. 

The third tattoo I got is my favourite. I think. I don't know. 

It is an eye. Not much to it. Not much meaning. Or at least, not much meaning I'd like to discuss. It is kind of personal to me. But the actual image of the eye has a story. It is from the cover art of Art of Dying's EP "Rise Up". I wanted to get an image of an eye on my pointer finger but I wasn't 100% sure of the image I wanted. I wasn't going to get something super detailed because finger tattoos apparently hurt like a bitch, but I figured fuck it and do it anyways. 

Turns out, out of all of the tattoos I have gotten so far, they don't really hurt that badly. Although I am pretty much a pin cushion apparently. I don't cry. I just kind of lie there and take the pain. There are some points that really hurt. When she was doing the page lines and near the sides of my bone, that hurt. Actually, "Pheidippides" hurt quite a bit, overall it probably hurt the most out of all of the ones I have gotten so far. The eye felt really different. Getting a finger tattoo is kind of how I imagined the pain of all tattoos to feel like. It really only hurt the closer she got to my hand, though. The pain was the same, I just kind of felt it more. That makes no sense. 

Anyways, I plan on getting several more tattoos. But for now, I am good. Mostly just because I can't afford anything right now. I just scraped by on getting those (all together the three cost $200). 

I want to get a half sleeve done next summer. I want a thigh tattoo of a flower. I have some other ideas, I want to get memorial pieces, whether small or big to all of the animals in my life. 

I don't know. Tattoos make people more interesting.

The funny thing is although tattoos are becoming more socially acceptable, I have already started noticing glances from people, especially while I am at work. Oh well. I knew it would happen. 

I just can't wait for them to heal now! I hate feeling like I am tiptoeing around trying to avoid infection. 

Until next time,

Sarah

We are selfish to believe in a humanoid god

Just as a declarative statement: I am an atheist. I recognize the ability for a god to exist, I just doubt that there is a god or gods in existence, nor has there ever been a higher power. Now, let's continue.

I  have many problems with the concept of a god and reasons to proving god's existence, and I am only going to address one of them today. This is the main problem that I have. Maybe it's not the best proof I have, but it is the one thing that bugs me.

My perspective on why people think there is a god is because people over time have figured that having a higher being is a good explanation and with careful thought and practice, people started to believe this.

Whether or not that is true, I think it is extremely selfish of people to assume that god is human-like in appearance, thought and action. Humans were not chosen. We are not a product of some human-like but god-like being. I think that is the most selfish thing we have ever done. Naturally most of us are at least somewhat narcissistic in our thinking. We generally put ourselves or other humans first above the humanity of nature and other animals.

But if we really think that if there is a higher-being, and they are humanoid that is the most selfish thing that we have ever believed.

I can almost more easily attest to believing in some higher being of force or molecules, atoms, something that I can't possible begin to scientifically explain. I am not saying that is my standpoint, I am just saying it as at least more plausible to me than a humanoid figure that just happened to create us and make us better than everything else.

As a culture we are obsessed with hierarchies, and have been for a few hundred years, at least. Which food is best? Which outfit is best? Which singer is best? Which type of animal is best? We have theorized pyramids and systems for the alpha to the zeta making sure everything is just perfectly ranked.

I am getting a little biased here just because I don't believe in the fact that somethings, both living and non-living have better value or worse value. I believe they have a different purpose and value, but not one being better or worse. Obviously a table is better at being a table than a porcupine is, but is one really better than the other? Tables serve a different purpose than a porcupine, but does that make porcupines or tables better than one another? I digress with my table to porcupine scale.

My point is that as a culture we are so obsessed with hierarchies and power that it make complete sense that we invented this "god" figure as human-like. If there is a higher power, they are likely equal to us and not a human. Again, some kind of force.

So then "how was everything created?" you may ask. Well I have no fucking clue but the ideas that I seem to stick to for the most part is something along the following: I don't think that time had a start. I don't think that there was nothing and then something. I think that something has just existed forever. I am not talking about earth or the human race, I think those two things have a starting point. I am just saying that "it" being existence, not of a certain thing, just existence in general is just there and there is no starting. To exist there must always be existence.

That is hard for most people to wrap their heads around, I actually drive myself a little nuts getting into that pattern of thinking sometimes. Now something like earth was probably created by something like a big bang. We know about evolution of humans and obviously at one point, something collided or occurred to make life happen on earth. I have no science background to even begin to explain how this is possible, but based on my knowledge, this is my philosophical assumption.

That's what I love about science. Originally there was no "science" it was just philosophy and speculation. Philosophy was everything at one point. It's just the ideas philosophized about science and biology eventually rightfully gained their own subjects of study. The things that can't be scientifically explained are still speculated about using philosophy and current knowledge. LOVE IT! Love philosophy. I love loving ideas. That's literally what that means Philo (love) sophy (ideas).

Anyways. Anybody else have any other theories? I am not super looking for debate about god's existence or anything, I just want to know anyone's thoughts on my ideas. I am not stating anything as truth in this blog post at all. It's mostly just speculation.

I'll be back another time. In a few weeks or so to write about some other crazy thing.

- Sarah

Anxiety as Skepticism?

I've been fighting with anxiety quite a bit lately. Between panic attacks over social outings, avoiding social situations completely and being misunderstood by others around me, it has been quite tough. 

Anxiety was much easier when I was younger and it was understood to be anti-social tendencies.

Anxiety was much easier when I was even younger and was understood to be shyness.

Anxiety was much easier when I recently understood it to be skepticism. 

Problem. I have been thinking more about anxiety and what it really means and how I really experience it. Obviously it is not experienced the exact same by all, but I realized that anxiety is much like skepticism. I think the line that skepticism crosses over to be anxiety is fear. 

Think about it, people with anxiety and/or skepticism question things, overanalyze things in order to uncover what will happen/what is true, think about all possible outcomes of a situation, and find it hard to just accept things. The difference is this fear or worry that people with anxiety get. People who use skepticism don't necessarily feel this. 

I am a skeptic about most things, only because it is hard to be a skeptic about all things all of the time because to even begin to function in modern society you have to accept some most-certain truths just to get by. But when I experience anxiety, it is usually over unnecessary things to even be worried about. The thing is that I think I've always had anxiety, along with my dysthymia (depression), or at least I have had it for a while now. It's just as a kid they called it shyness, as a teenager they told me I was introverted and anti-social. It's just when I got to just this year, just about to hit my 20s that I finally realized and they finally realized that it was anxiety. 

Anyways. I thought this might be interesting.

You can almost see quite literally my double-major in psychology and philosophy in this blog post. Oh god. Does this mean I am actually learning things in school? I didn't know that was possible. 

I'll be back soon enough,

Sarah.

3rd Year of School and still sad

2 years down, 2 to go.

I really want to try to make an effort to enjoy my education. I realize that the thing about a liberal arts education is that this is the only time I'll probably ever be able to just sit and have meaningful conversations as my full-time job. The reason I am in philosophy is not for my career, it's for the lessons and the actual schooling. I just have this deep lack of motivation to do much of anything of the sorts.

Hey, do any of my old readers remember when I used to describe my mental issues in full detail? I used to complain and reiterate my pains and problems, psychologically speaking. I still have many of the issues I used to describe. For those who don't know, here is the most brief version of my mental history:
My parents split up, I saw a psychologist who made me happy for a while (ages 10-12?) after my mom was concerned for my mental health. My dad died, I stopped seeing the psychologist, high school came and made me sad and I realized my intense anxieties and I kind of just learned to get over them by myself after multiple doctors proved to be of no help to me. After a mental episode in grade 12 I was sent to get psychological testing which was an appointment for 6 months after the episode and the psychologists claimed I was "perfect" and told me "not to pursue philosophy", I am pursuing philosophy. I got into university and was confused why my grades dropped and why I was sad and I went to the doctor and I got learning testing done to make sure I have no learning disabilities and I don't but I learned I am terrible at spacial reasoning and have genius-level writing skills, the psychologist suggested I have dysthymia and possibly bi-polar disorder or PTSD, and suggested to get more testing done which I didn't want to pursue due to the fact that last time I tried to get testing done by a psychologist they did nothing. The end. (I understand those sentences were pieces of shit, that's the point)

Anyways, to summarize my current status of mental problems: I definitely have dysthymia, there is no doubt about it. I was also diagnosed with it by the learning disability psychologist, so that is what I know for sure. It is what I like to describe as permanent part-time depression. I go through phases of depression, some worse than others. They often render me angry, sad, lazy and unable to function in school activities, let alone social activities. I also am likely to have anxiety, which I am currently considering seeking medication for but I also don't want to. I also may have PMDD which I also sought medical help to diagnose but I didn't finish the diagnostic process because I was too lazy. Whoops. PMDD is like PMS except it actually drives me to suicidal tendencies maybe once every year.

Right now I am decently okay. I am not sad, I am pretty happy, but I am not as happy as I could be and that makes me sad. These cycles drive me insane.

So what am I going to do? Probably ride out what I am feeling now until I go crazy and then maybe seek medical attention to go on some pills for depression or anxiety, which I'd hate to do, but I want my education to not go to waste. Counselling has never worked on me because I start using reasoning and logic with the recent college grads of next-to-meaningless College and defeat them in their attempts to aid me. I shouldn't do that, but I do.

Why am I telling the internet this? I'm not too sure. I was tempted to write a book for a while about my inability to receive medical attention for my psychological dysfunctions but I soon realized that it is mostly because I am holding my own self back, not because of any fault in the system. The psychological treatment system is pretty fucked up on it's own, but that is almost inherent and has next to nothing to do with my own specific situation.

My point? I am going to try to not let my dysthymia get ahold of me. The problem is I have lived with it for so long that it has become a bigger part of me than it should've. It's almost like a drug to me. I like the sadness and hate the sadness. I know it impairs me but it is so easy to just fall into the habit that I am being forced into. Though, it is incredibly hard to just say "no" to depression because depression is something that happens to you, it is not something you make happen to yourself. Though you could make yourself depressed, that is not my case.

Anyways. This post is pretty stupid right now. I am not quite to sure as to why I am posting it. I don't want feedback, please no comments.

Talk to you soon, interwebs.

Sarah

Audio Sensory Meridian Response (ASMR) What is it? How to understand it.

When people don't understand something they tend to laugh at it. Let's change this about ASMR.

I have been embarrassed to admit my experiences of asmr and watching of asmr videos because of how low the community has been looked down upon on since it is misunderstood. I first experienced ASMR when I was quite young, from friends tracing images on my back and from page turning sounds at the library. I have been watching ASMR videos on youtube for 5 years now and I am very involved in the community, in the sense that I participate in discussion and all of the psych tests I can find that have to do with discovering exactly what asmr is and why it makes people feel the way it does.

So what is ASMR? What do we know about it? It is the tingles you get when you hear, see, experience, feel, etc., something. Kind of. That is the easiest explanation I have. ASMR is a tingly/relaxing response some people (not everyone can feel it) get from different triggers.

Other people's early-on experiences of asmr tend to be in childhood with the experience of tingles and an ultimate feeling of relaxation from hearing parents or teachers read childhood books, the sounds of cooking, from watching Mr. Rogers, Bob Ross, etc.

Quite often the asmr community is misunderstood because people don't understand the videos on youtube when they stumble upon them (some have over a million views, so it will land into people's sidebars and whatnot). People will see it and respond like "Why is this person whispering at me and stroking a book?", the simple answer is because some people find it relaxing.

Unfortunately, some people also experience the direct opposite of asmr, misophonia, which is an extreme feeling of rage to certain sounds. I have felt this hatred towards sounds of gum chewing, and tapping, which are also sound triggers of asmr. The odd thing is quite often people who experience asmr also experience misophonia, and sometimes even with the same triggers. For example, I can experience asmr tingles from the sounds of gum chewing, but the way some people chew gum it drives me nuts and I feel like yelling at them to stop. It's weird.

The other reason why people misunderstand asmr is because little research has been done in it as to why it occurs, why it helps people with anxiety, autism, and many other disorders and disabled individuals stay calm and relax. ASMR also helps people fall asleep, and just relax.

For those looking for some video examples, here is a few varieties of types of asmr videos, to see maybe what it is, and if you can get triggers yourself. But be calm: some people don't experience tingles AT ALL or right away. Some people feel it right away. Also be warned that asmr doesn't happen all of the time and almost everybody in the community agrees that if they watch too many asmr videos that the sensation weakens and goes away. The only known cure so far is to back away from watching the videos for a while (weeks, months for some) and go back to it later.

First of all, here is a playlist I have on my youtube account. This is not all of my favourite videos, just some of the videos that I go back to over time.

https://youtu.be/nmmempg2My0?list=PLBF07E850827A2605

Here is the first ASMR video I ever discovered. As I said earlier, one of my first "triggers" was the sound of people turning pages. So I decided one day to youtube "page turning sounds" until I discovered the ASMR community. At first, I thought "this is weird... who would listen to sounds of people crinkling chip bags, whispering up close into the camera, tapping different materials, and opening and closing lids?" and then I tried one video. This was the first video I tried:


It is terrible quality, but I still listen to it time to time. Quite often videos are now much more well-produced, like this:


They use 3Dio microphones or just multiple smaller microphones to make it sound more like the sound is around you, inside your ears, etc. And by "They" we like to call the people who make asmr videos asmrtists. Sound artists. Whatever. It's corny but we like it.

There is an asmrtist that I listen to sometimes, Toni Bomboni. He is often criticized because he wears makeup and does role play asmr videos that people often find a little different. He was even featured on Tosh.0. (Which I love Tosh.0, but that is not my point). Tosh is actually probably one of the better and more sensitive outsiders to approach the asmr topic, I find often newscasters are more blunt and rude with their misunderstandings. Anyways, I'll let you experience Toni for yourself.


There are many other asmr videos that have creepy elements to them that some people often find tingle inducing (including myself) like WhispersUnicorn's ASMR kidnapping video, which actually gave me tingles galore the first few times I watched it. Also, Ephemeral Rift makes asmr videos as well that have creepy and/or, abstract methods of inducing asmr.

Here is a "sounds only" variety video:


Here is a "word trigger" video:


The last video I'll share with you is one from GentleWhispering, Maria. Maria is essentially the queen of asmr. She has some of the most subscribers in the community and one of the biggest fan groups. I love her videos.


So if there is a sound out there that you once enjoyed, whether it be storytelling, crinkling, tapping, wiping, ripping, scratching, mouth sounds, walking sounds, word triggers, roleplays such as various doctor roleplays, and 1000s more, there is a video out there on youtube. Just put on your headphones, (it works much better than playing from your speakers, TRUST ME) and search asmr _____ on youtube, and you will find it.

Last but not least, reddit has a huge community of asmr lovers as well. Often people who experience asmr can't experience it from people who are directly trying to trigger you, but from people just doing regular tasks that just so happen to induce asmr. Reddit has a page for that. Here it is.

Anyways, that is all for now. I just thought I would help people understand it. This is a pretty basic 101 that you will need for knowing about asmr. There is a lot more to the community: all of the psych research being done by students and professionals around the world, the debates on facebook and other online groups about asmr and it's relationship to sexual pleasure, or if there is one, and more. It's a very complex idea that needs to be explored. I'd just hate to see more people misunderstand it. 

Permanence is a lie

I was thinking about the concept of permanence earlier this week and came to the conclusion it does not exist. Here are my thoughts:

Permanence is a state of foreverness, it lasts for eternity. A tattoo, for example, is argued as permanent, but obviously is not as one's body will decompose and the tattoo will not follow in the same shape as before. Sure, the inks may spread out or something after death, but it will not be your tattoo that you got.

A relationship is another thing argued as permanent which annoys me to no end. Sure, I love my fiancé and I want to be with him "forever" but when I say "forever" I mean that I want to be with him for as long as possible. One of us could die, we could break up over something, who knows? I sure as hell don't.

Nothing can be argued as permanent. Life, we could die. All of us. We don't know.

I guess my ideas around the concept of permanence are much like my ideas about certainty. We can't be certain about anything, and we cannot think anything is impossible. Things can be extremely unlikely or extremely likely, but not certain or impossible. Those are lies we tell ourselves everyday in order to stay sane. We are "certain" the world will not end, we are "Certain" we will not die this day, we are "certain" that we will wake up to all of our members of our lives being alive and we are "certain" that we will drink coffee every morning. No. You cannot be. Obviously you will die someday, so will your family. Even concepts of even more permanence than individual lives, but life itself cannot be argued as certain. Sure, it is highly likely that the world and EVERYTHING will not end, but we cannot argue that it is impossible because there is no possible way of knowing.

I am an atheist, I believe to a high degree that there is no god, but again, I cannot be 100% certain even if the evidence points towards there being no god.

I don't know. They are similar ideas, I suppose.

Anyways, I thought of crushing some souls today with my whole "permanence is a lie" train of thought, which came from one small stupid insignificant thought: I was thinking of getting "Nick" (my fiancé's name) tattooed on my finger. Then I started thinking about how even if this tattoo is permanent and Nick and I aren't "together forever" that a tattoo is about as permanent as a relationship anyways.

Deep, eh? I hope. I am drunk right now. I haven't been drunk by myself in a while, it doesn't happen too often. I'm not even super drunk, as I am capable of typing right now.

I feel as if I am making several misplaced comma splices, , , , , , , ,.

That's enough I suppose.

What do you think about my ideas on permanence, and/or certainty? 

Getting high & metal music

I have started listening to new music lately. I was listening to Sirius XM on my car radio which my fiancé gets for free from work, and I was listening to a station called "Octane" because it is his favourite station. Before then, I usually passed off Nick's type of music calling it "unlistenable" because you can't even hear the lyrics in most metal songs.

After pretty much being forced to try it, I started liking it. But I didn't even tell Nick. I just started listening to more and more until I had downloaded about 500 new songs. The first three bands I downloaded were Halestorm, The Pretty Wreckless and Icon for Hire, which are still three of my favourites. Anyways, I just kept googling music "like" whatever I was listening to and eventually had a pretty big collection. After I told Nick what I was listening to (he was fucking impressed) he gave me his entire music collection (just over 50gb of music).

Shit I fucking love it. How the fuck have I not listened to rock and metal my whole life? There is not enough time in life to listen to what I want to listen to.

Anyways, Nick and I went to Toronto and saw Slipknot, Lamb of God, Bullet for my Valentine and Motionless in White. Which was pretty fucking good. But I just have a few analyses from the concert. It was different than anything I had ever been to (Jonas Brothers, Justin Bieber, Emily Osment)... no fucking shit it was different, but what I expected, did happen. There was beer everywhere, the whole amphitheatre lit up and smelled like pot. The mosh was fucking hilarious. It wasn't that big, but just every once in a while I would look down and watch a girl fall head first after a failed crowd surf, or see a guy get fucking punched in the face. Everyone stood the whole time at the concert too, even if you weren't dancing, 95% of the people were just standing to watch. I got into Slipknot quite a bit just fucking head banging.

It was such an interesting experience. I can't wait to go to more. I just loved the vibes of that show. Just a bunch of metal-heads who have thoughts probably just as dark as mine or at least just fucking love some good fuckery. 80% of the people were wearing black shirts, and 75% of those shirts were band tees, whether or not they were from the concert or even one of the bands that was performing. I feel as if metal heads who have been metal heads for decades that are reading this are just fucking palm facing right now to my newbness but I don't care. I just thought it was interesting, that's all.

Anyways, after the concert I was out until 6 in the morning with Nick, his friend and his lady. It was fucking sweet. Just drunk and high. It was glorious. For those wondering, I am not a pothead, but when I'm offered I'll take a hit or two, no questions asked.

My 10 favourite bands at the moment are (not in order):
- Halestorm
- Icon for Hire
- The Pretty Wreckless
- Static-X
- Five Finger Death Punch
- My Darkest Days
- In This Moment
- Fit for Rivals
- Art of Dying
- Skillet

Any other metal heads out there reading my blog laughing their guts out? Or pushing your fingers into your eyes? HAHAHA sorry. Had to. 

I got a tattoo!

I got my first tattoo, finally. I have been wanting a tattoo for years now and I finally found the courage to just fucking do it. I hate that it took me so long but I am happy that I have it now.


I feel super stupid blogging about a small tattoo I got, but I just want to talk about it and get it all out of my system.

Here is a picture:

Yep. It says fuck.

I've been wanting that tattoo for a little bit now but always said I would get it after I have gotten a few tattoos. It ended up being my first tattoo because it was the most sure I was of a tattoo out of all of the ones that I want. I also thought it was supposed to be a pretty painless spot, which I was wrong about, apparently. The tattoo artist that did it for me told me after I got it done that it is actually an area that tends to hurt pretty badly.

The pain I felt was only about a 3/10 for pain. It hurt, obviously, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I figured it would feel. Describing the way a tattoo is hard to explain just because it has its own unique feeling, but if I were to try it would go something like this: it feels like having a vibrating needle scraped across your skin except not as bad as you would think that having a needle scraped across your skin would feel. It actually felt a little numb as well.

I don't know. But now I am addicted to the idea of being super tattooed. I just got one little one and now I want all of the tattoos I can possible fit onto my body. I think my next tattoo is going to be on my left arm, kind of like a band below my shoulder muscle.

I suppose I should explain the meaning of "fuck". I kind of have a reason for getting this tattoo but in another even more real way, I don't. I just tell most people I got it because it is funny (true), but I also got it because I needed to do something stupid. My life is so boring, honestly. Also I curse a lot. Also, I did it because I don't care that it is tattooed onto my body in the sense that I believe that life has no purpose or meaning so that the tattoo is actually just pretty insignificant because once I'm dead my body will decompose and the tattoo will be gone. Plus I want to be 80 and just wear a bikini and scare all of the 20 year olds away with my fuck tattoo.

I've had it for a few days and I have mixed feelings about telling people about it. I posted it on instagram and I am obviously blogging about it now, but I didn't want a few people in my life to know about it just because I knew they would judge me. But then I posted it on instagram because I realized that nobody will actually care that much (and they don't).

My opinion on catcalling

I was catcalled 4 times today while on a 15 minute walk to the mall. One guy in a truck yelled "nice ass", the next honked at me, the third guy just gave me a thumbs up while driving by and the last guy winked at me while on his bike.

I like the attention, to a degree. I understand why some women would not want to be catcalled or hit on in public if they don't like the attention, but what gets me is when girls like the attention but act disgusted.

I was talking to my fiancé about this. I told him about the catcalling and said that although it was weird I felt extremely complimented. He agreed how that would make sense.

Earlier this week we were talking about a coworker of his that got over 100 likes on a photo in an hour. She was complaining about how it was all guys and how they were being perverts. She was the one who chose to post the photo on facebook. At least when I am being catcalled, I am not posting it online for someone to review what outfit I was wearing. I am not going to say she is asking for the attention by posting the photo, but by posting a photo, to a degree you are literally taking an image of yourself to show to others. So I don't see why she was angry. In fact, I think she was just bringing up her complaints to others in order to draw more attention to the photo.

I think that if you're hot you should probably just rock it. Although I understand when people don't want the attention. But if you are constantly posting selfies online, especially ones in which you are just in a bikini or something, you are going to get attention.

I am also just confused as to why the likes bothered her, too. The comments were all innocent, no guy was like "Nice ass!" or "Nice tits!" or anything of that nature. She was just upset at all of the likes. What? No. I'm sure if she was really angered about the likes she would've deleted the photo.

Anyways. This is kind of my current pet peeve. My coworker asked what my current pet peeve was the other day and it is when girls obviously are seeking attention and then complain about it.

When I post a photo or wear something revealing, I am probably happy to get attention: no lie. I am honest. Am I trying to get the attention? Not necessarily, but I am welcoming it. I am welcoming the likes I am welcoming the "Nice ass" comments.

Granted, to be safe (because you never know what words will hurt) you should probably refrain from catcalling. You never know, it could ruins someone's day. For me it made me happy, but it could offend some people. So if you see a beautiful ass in public, take a mental note of it and masturbate thinking about it later. It won't fucking hurt her, she will have no idea.

Anyways, that's it for now. What do you think about catcalling?

- Sarah

I'm not an alcoholic: and here's why

People close to me worry about my alcohol habits sometimes. This is a warning sign of alcoholism. Granted, I cannot judge my own alcoholism to a T, but I think I can be objective enough about myself to be honest.

First of all: I have had problems with alcohol. I have been addicted to it. But not when people thought I was. Back when I started university I drank a lot, but that was not alcoholism, that was because it was my first year of university and everybody else was.

My problems with alcohol were not always constant, though. For example, in my first year I was not an alcoholic because I would drink at parties or with friends, I was an alcoholic when I put some whisky in my coffee and drank it during class. Why did I do this? Not even for the alcohol, it was for the thrill, most likely. So am I an alcoholic there? Maybe. To some eyes. Probably.

I have had a series of months where I probably drank everyday and I would call that alcoholism to a degree. But me drinking itself wasn't the problem, it was why I was drinking. I think it would be fine to just drink all of the time just to drink as long as your life isn't suffering because of it. But I was drinking because I was unhappy with life, school, money and more. I wasn't drinking to drown the sorrows, but rather to fuel them. Not on purpose, just because I felt like that was what I should do. Why? Who knows. I was in a weird place.

I think I realized I had a problem after two incidents: I drank by myself, about 6 shots worth of vodka mixed in water and I just doused it with those squirt bottles of flavours so I couldn't taste the vodka. I drank them in one hour and ended up puking. Why? I was bored. The other time was when I actually went through alcohol withdrawal while at work. That was scary, but I don't really want to talk about it more than just saying it happened.


So what did I do? I stopped drinking. That's the thing, no matter how hard I hit the liqueur, I can ALWAYS stop. So am I an alcoholic? Same with cigarettes. No matter how hard I hit them I can just stop when I want. I have a lot of self-control in that sense. But I am afraid maybe if I were to abuse liqueur for like a year or two straight or the longer that I do abuse it the harder it would get to stop.

So am I still an alcoholic? I don't think so. According to Mayo Clinic's symptoms, I am not, I have none of these symptoms. But the scary thing is that I have had all of them at some point. But am I still an alcoholic if I once was? I don't think so. I think some people argue that you would be. But if somebody loses 150lbs are they still fat? No. Even if they still eat cheeseburgers and fries sometimes, they are not suddenly fat again. They have to eat it for a long time to be fat again. That's my logic behind my ability to still drink despite being an ex-alcoholic.

I feel like my answer to my alcoholism to "just stop" once I realized is not enough to satisfy some people. But I think I am just intelligent enough  and I caught it early enough to realize.

But the problem is that since I once was an alcoholic that people still think I am. So I have a drink and people start worrying about me.

Part of the reason why I drink less (and by less I mean like 2-3 drinks once or twice a week versus 4-5 drinks 5 or 6 times a week) is because I have less money to buy alcohol. But I realize the importance of paying the bills and buying food first because I am not an alcoholic.

I feel like I have to prove myself to people. I LOVE alcohol and I am afraid of declaring it because people are going to think I have a problem again. Back to my "Fat person" reference, I feel like if someone who lost a lot of weight posted a photo of a burger on instagram that people might start worrying about them again.

The good thing is that not many people knew how alcoholic I was. So why am I advertising it more publicly? I think it's because I have been wanting to blog about it for a while but I finally feel like I can talk about it and not be ashamed about it or worry more people will start worrying about me for it.

My blog is called liquered up logic (yes, I realize it should be liqueured up logic) because I love alcohol and sometimes it does help me think clearer at certain states of drunkenness in order to do philosophy or enjoy movies or read. But if I get too drunk I can't.

Anyways. I guess if I were to give readers a take-home from this it isn't that I am not an alcoholic anymore, but to just not judge people based on things like that all of the time. Sure, it is a defining characteristic, but it is not their whole person. A fat person isn't just fat, they also have interests, hobbies, jobs, hair colour, skin colour, eye colour, and a favourite fucking colour. I wasn't just an alcoholic but a student, a teenager, etc. Don't let that one thing define the whole person. And for god sakes NEVER call an alcoholic an alcoholic. Let them know your concerns in a way that still allows you to be a fucking decent human being.

That is all.

- Sarah

Marriage is changing, let weddings change too

The role of marriage is changing in society and I am embracing it. Marriage in the coldest sense is useful as two people can support each other emotionally, sexually, financially, physically and psychologically. This idea will probably prevail over time, which is good. Marriage in the oldest sense was those descriptions but under the terms of "creating a household" and maintaining it. So the traditional man working and woman cooking & cleaning is pretty much dead. Sure, women are more inclined to be stay at home moms still, but that is also on the premise that people in marriages have children.

The idea that having children sanctifies a relationship is dead. If you want to have children, go for it, but I don't need offspring to justify my relationship. My fiancé and I help each other in all of the ways married people do. There are big steps and big ways we are helping each other everyday. We do the type of stuff that would probably be a good idea to have a prenup for right now, despite the fact that we are not married. I suppose we are common law now? I think we are. I don't even know.

We were supposed to get married this year on September 3rd, but we are not now. I am beyond annoyed at the reason why, which I will get to soon. Before I explain why I am so upset, let me clarify a few things. I don't want a wedding. Sure, when I first got engaged I looked over my already-pinned pins on Pinterest and added more, as a matter or fact, I made a lot of different boards for my wedding. Then it went on to actually planning the wedding. I couldn't find the perfect place for the perfect price, I kept looking, I kept trying, and eventually I just didn't care anymore. I don't need a wedding. I don't need a big wedding dress (though I already have one). I don't want to have people watching us as we get married, that is so weird.

A wedding is not a performance, but everybody thinks that it is. It is a performance to all that each other's families have done for each other. Parents are thanked for raising the kids, friends and siblings are thanked for being there for them as they grew up, blah blah blah. So in a sense, weddings really do set up to seem like funerals for past lives too. Weddings were created to unify two families together. That is why I want a marriage and not a wedding. I don't want to unify anything. I have said this many years ago on my blog, but families are dead. Sure, they raise you and usually are "there for you" but you don't choose them. Yet, you never "break up" with your family members. Usually when there is an estranged family member, that's all they are. They are still a member of the family, they just did something that the rest of the family can't bare and are embarrassed to have the same last name and shared blood.

Hell, even friendships can have breakups more intense than families. I guess it's the sense that you once chose that friend and now you can un-choose them. Family you can't really do that to. I don't mind my family, they're okay. My mom is there for me and I love a few other family members but most of my family I have no idea what they are up to and I don't care. They don't ask about me, I don't ask about them, there is no need for a reunion.

So why the hell should these people be involved in the relationship that I chose all on my own with nobody's help? We weren't set up, our mothers have met once, our families are not close, why do we need to bring them together?

There is no reason for this bullshittery.

So the reason why I am mad? I planned a wedding. I had finally done it. I was excited, I was extremely pumped to get married and have a wedding with about 20 close family and friends, but the problem: his mother didn't feel included in the planning and she has no more holidays to take time off of work to go to the wedding. Fuck that shit. I planned a wedding, I am not planning another one. NOBODY NEEDS TO PLAN MY WEDDING. I don't even want a wedding! So I gave Nick an ultimatum, since he is the one who wants the wedding, not me. Either we get married on September 3rd like we both wanted, we elope (just the two of us) or he plans a wedding for us dated next year before the summer is over. He chose the latter.

The funny thing is that this September 3rd wedding was an elopement. It was barely a wedding. I was working with a company that specializes in elopements and small weddings.

This is just one of the differences between Nick and I. Although he is not a big "family man" he definitely values family more than I do. I value my mom for what she has done, but I don't "value family". Marriage is about two people. Unless your life is Everybody Loves Raymond, that is.

Anyways. If anyone can think of good ways I can convince Nick to elope with me, that'd be great. His reasoning that he doesn't want to is that "people have to be happy with our wedding for the rest of our lives and he doesn't want people resenting us". Well as true as that is, my wedding I just planned got cancelled, so let's hope I don't resent that either. I doubt that I will, but I guess we will just see what pans out.

Does anybody else share similar feelings about family to me?

20 Things I've learned before 20

I am not 20 until October, but after reading a HuffPost article on things one learned by their fifties I felt inspired.  I see the repeated theme of professing what you have learned at a certain age so I decided to profess my own lessons I have learned before 20. 

1. Don't misuse your childhood. You are young once, and once you hit somewhere between 10-13, everything changes. Responsibility is good, but don't take for granted those times in your life when you don't have to work and don't have to provide for yourself.

2. Coffee and alcohol are important substances in your life. Coffee keeps you awake, and alcohol let's you free. Don't abuse either of them, as I have done both in the past and been in withdrawal from both and also addicted to both. Find your happy medium.

3. You will never know what you want to do. Ever. Or at least most likely. If you told me this when I was 16, I would've hated you and despised you. I hated when adults told me I might change my mind about what career path I wanted. Now I am so unsure. Even if you think in your head you know the path you want, you might not find a job where you want, with who you want, or be able to get into the school you want to get into. I was talking to my mom and she never thought she would be in banking for 22 years, a stay at home mom for 10, and then work at a library for the last bit of her life until she retired. Also, I always told myself I didn't want to get married, before I went into university I basically told myself I was going to be a bit of a slut, and what did I do? Met a guy the week before school started, fall in love, move in after 6 months, get engaged after 11 and we are now getting married a few days just before our 2 year dating anniversary. Whoops! It's okay to change your mind. My favourite quote of all time: Speak what you think now in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words though it contradict everything you say today - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

4. People will underestimate you and your abilities because you are young, and don't deal with that shit. Don't put up with it. It still happens to me even though I am not dependant on my mom anymore. I got a new job recently and the person in charge of payroll told me it was fine if I couldn't figure out how to fill out the employment forms and that a parent could help me. Okay, valid information but I have done this so many times. I handed them back to her flawlessly filled out and she was shocked. 

5. People will judge your decisions and their opinions usually don't matter. When people judge your decisions it is tough to do with what they tell you. Some opinions are wise but most don't matter at all. In the end you have to decide for yourself and say "fuck you" to all the others.

6. It's not bad if you end up in retail, in fast food or in a chain store working for the rest of your life. That's not my life, but I have heard some amazing stories from some of the people that have been working in retail for a long time and they still have genuinely amazing and happy lives. I always judge people with those lifestyles for being unhappy. I've learned that you are to choose your jobs based on a few things: the people that are there are good, you are happy, you are earning enough money to live comfortably within your own standards of happiness. 

7. You can't control what happens in life but you can control your reaction to what happens. Sure, you can make decisions like I want to ride the bus and go to work but you could be hit on by a girl or guy, you could choose to talk to someone on the way, you could witness a murder, and your reactions to these actions of others is what determines who you are. If you choose to ignore that guy or girl hitting on you, that could've been the start of something new, if you react badly to witnessing a murder it could really mess you up or even give you PTSD. These choices of reactions are what determine who you are. Life is basically like, I want to be a psychologist I will go into psychology, OKAY GOOD, I got into a university, I will take first year psych, sweet I got in, okay now I failed a course, do I drop out or try hard? All of these things, getting into the school, into the course and finishing the course are things you can't necessarily control. You can control how hard you try in school but you can't always control how well you learn in a course even if you try super hard. The choice to try the course again or drop it is a more important choice than what you made to attend that school and do a psych degree.

8. High school is completely irrelevant. You forget most of it. Unless you get super involved in athletics or student council, it just basically becomes a distant memory. The only thing you get out of high school is basic knowledge required for life, and usually some lifelong friends. That's it. The memories are cool and whatnot but all of the stress and pain you felt in high school becomes completely insignificant once you're done. 

9. This one is for the ladies: periods are nothing to be embarrassed about. It might sound ridiculous to older folk but I just remember being 13-16 and being so afraid of my period that I would wear like 2 pairs of underwear and I would be afraid to change my pad at school because than the other girls would hear the package open. Now I don't give two shits. It is something we all have to deal with and for some reason that never occurred to me in high school. 

10. Sex is normal and natural and not to be ashamed of. It's the people staying abstinent until marriage who I think are a little off. You're going to be married *hopefully* forever and sexual compatibility is one of the biggest parts of your relationship. 

11. Sexual orientation isn't really a big deal unless people make a big deal out of it. You are gay, cool, you're straight, also cool. I've never actually come out of whatever closet I am in because I feel like my sexuality is not really other people's business other than who I am with and maybe my friends. If people ask me I'll tell them but it's not really something people ask. The only reason sexual orientation is a bigger deal is because people still reject some orientations like being gay or anything really other than being straight. Sexual orientation itself is only one little detail of yourself. 

12. You are the most important person in your own life. Don't dedicate your life to anything other than your own happiness, at least not primarily. Don't put your job before yourself, don't put your partner before yourself. Sure, at times work will take over for a little bit, your partner might be dealing with something that you need to put yourself aside for awhile for, but in general, you are the most important person. You are the only thing you can control in this life. 

13. You will never be sure of your actions, and if you are, holy shit you are good. Do what feels right and act in a way that makes you feel okay about what you are doing. Trust your own instincts.

14. It is never too late to change your mind and take things slow. I used to be afraid of changing my mind about school, careers, and I just wanted to speed through my education and get settled in a career. Now I am not so sure. I am finishing my BA now and I am pretty sure my next step is a masters degree in philosophy or organizational behaviour, but if I don't get into school right away, I can work other jobs until I do, and if I never do, I'm sure I can find work wherever I go, even if the job itself is mundane but the people are good and the salary is also fair. 

15. Don't expect people to be your cheerleader. Your partner and friends should be cheering you on from the sidelines but sometimes you need to cheer for yourself. Act on reasons that you have to justify to yourself. I was explaining why I run to a coworker of mine and she was really shocked at how much it is that I am actually just running for myself and for nothing else. 

16. Certain words said in your life in passing will fuck you up really good. Be careful of what you say to others, but you can't know what will mess someone up. You could say a trigger word that causes someone to remember something in their life that is sad, a certain compliment or complaint to another person could affect their entire life. Don't take what others say to you too personally, either. A teacher of mine told me to always be confident and that really hit a home run all through high school with myself wondering how confident I really am and questioning my anti-social tendencies. Her comment wasn't a bad one, though, it just heavily affected my life. A psychologist once told me never to pursue philosophy, and also told me that I am "perfect" otherwise. Well fuck being perfect, I want to be happy. 

17. Friends come in and out of your life like crazy. You'll be best friends with someone for a month, and never talk to them again. You will have friends from the time you are 2 for a very long time and you will develop these lifelong friends. They are the ones that you talk to sometimes but not always. They are the ones who tend to know you the best. It's also okay to be lonely for a while and not talk to many people either. 

18. Understand what credit is before you get a credit card, and don't get a credit card with more than $500, or more than what you can handle. Even the most responsible people (like me) can get messed up with paying too much in fees because you can't afford to pay off your bill. 

19. You're never really alone. There will always be someone out there that could be your friend. Being alone is also something you should cherish. Alone time is amazing and you should cherish every moment of it because someday you may not have much alone time. 

20. Do what you want. It's your life, your choices, your time. Trust yourself. 

Liquered up Logic!

So I decided to finally change my blog title and link. It used to be dadcanihavesomecrackerjacks.blogspot.com and called The Caffeinated Philosophy Experiment. Now it is Liquered up Logic! I chose this title because not only do I love alcohol and logic/philosophy but I think it is pretty funny as well, since most of the time drunk people are not very logical.

I just want to give a quick update on my summer, basically I have had one month down and three more to go until back to school. I am so pumped for next year because I am taking more philosophy courses than usual, it is about half philosophy and half psychology, since I am doing a double-major. I considered dropping my psychology major because I enjoy philosophy a lot more than psych, but my school is pretty much rundown so it may not even be possible to complete a philosophy major... actually I know it would be possible, literally JUST possible to complete it, but I don't want to risk more courses being cut next year.

My school is not the smartest around, but I love my professors. It is just the admit/finances that are thrown off. It still offers a major in philosophy and for first year students entering this year: there are not even enough courses available for this major unless they add more philosophy courses in later years for them.

Anyways. One month down, and three to go. I am not in a hurry at all, but I am looking forward to August. I get my inheritance then (oh my I sound so fancy and rich but I am really not). I need the money so badly. I am only getting 12-20 hours at my job currently. I got a second job recently but I haven't started yet. I am waiting for my police background check to go through. Which I think is ridiculous that I had to do one, but I understand why. That job is only 12 hours a week, but at least thats more than what I was getting before. Either way, I need the hours badly right now. Nick and I both need more money, and he is working full time and earning more than minimum wage right now.

My favourite thing with people my age is being excited when "earning more than minimum wage". Full-time work and earning minimum wage is $22,880 a year, which is nothing. In Ontario minimum wage right now is $11.00 an hour, which is way more than when I started work. The thing with minimum wage is that people are trying to raise it... and it does raise in October up to $11.25 an hour. That brings yearly earnings up to $23,400. Sure, every little bit helps but come on. I pay $4500 in rent (and I have low rent) and I do not even have full-time hours... you are LUCKY to find full-time, especially living in a student city. I applied for 3 jobs that I am 100% qualified for, sales which I have over a year of experience in, barista work which I have experience in and library work which I have 4 years of experience in. I got the job at the library but I didn't even get the best highest paying job out of the three jobs offered. It's rough out there.

Anyways. I am looking forward to August. I am also looking forward to September 3rd... which is when I might be getting married... (but you didn't hear that from me). So Nick and I have been engaged for maybe 10 months now, and I have been trying to plan the wedding the whole time. The problem is that we don't want to spend more than $5000, and are even trying to keep it under $2500 and we were booking too early at first for a wedding next year and then we decided we wanted to get married this year and it was too late to book. I finally found a place I like and is priced reasonably and I am working on booking it for September 3rd, a thursday. Just before back to school. But for those who know me, don't be surprised if that date changes. It has changed about 10 times already. We are either going to have 20 guests or 40 guests, depending on how cheap we can find food. The 20 guests we are having are basically our 5 closest family members and 5 closest friends each. The extra 20 include coworkers, people's partners and distant family, if we choose to invite them.

Everything depends on cost all of the time in our lives and it is driving Nick and I crazy. We are going to be in so much debt forever. If things pan out in our lives education and job wise, we will be fine, but the likelihood of that happening is slim. If Nick gets into law school and gets the perfect jobs and whatnot along the way, we will be fine. If I get into a masters and Phd program in philosophy and get into a university teaching and get tenure, things will be fine. But these two things happening are not super likely to happen. I will probably end up with some kind of office job in a school earning a good $50,000 a year while he will probably end up becoming a computer tech of some kind because that seems to be where he is heading, despite his law-school career that he aims for.

Life, eh?

If you told me 4 years ago that this would be my life right now I would've laughed you away. In the best terms possible without putting myself down too much... I was basically assuming I was going to be a single slut all through university. I didn't want to settle down... ever, and now look what I am doing? I met a guy a few days before school started and now we are getting married.

Anyways, I am rambling on. Thanks for reading this if you did. This is an atypical post for me, usually I talk about other things, I just figured that I would give a life-update type post with my blog-update post.

Money is bogus, am I right?

Please don't call where I grew up "Home"

Just a prelude, I did not do the blog challenge that I was so committed to doing. End of comment.

Anyways...

People like to call where I am from "home". I am not sure why, I have never referred to my mom's house as home since I moved into my apartment with my fiancé. Sure, it is the last house I lived in, technically but it is not home. I hate those cheesy statements like "home is where the heart is" but it is kind of true. Home is with my fiancé in our one-bedroom apartment. It is not in the house I grew up in, it is not in my mom's house now.

The reason I am bringing this up is because people from work and school refer to where I was from before I went to school "my home". Not every student goes to school and goes back home for the summer. Where I stay in the summer is my home. The city I was in before I went to university is not my home, I am not there, am I? No. I am here. Even though I would not call the city I am in now my home either.

Where I am living is my home, I suppose.

But that feeling of comfort associated with "being home" really is in the shared space I have with my fiancé. I am sure wherever we move that it will be home to us. We actually hate the city we live in now, we despise it, so calling it home is not even a pleasure that we partake in.

So that was my small rant for today.

What do you consider to be your home?

10 Year Old Girl can't get Abortion

Today I will do challenge #20: a response to something ridiculous. 

I love Ricky Gervais. He is an amazing person all around and super funny and proves to the world that atheists are not the devil. As a fellow atheist I love what he says about atheism and religion. He is very outspoken and is not afraid in the slightest to say what he feels. 

Not too long ago he posted this: https://www.amnesty.org.uk/actions/child-denied-abortion-after-rape-save-her-life. Essentially a little girl is denied abortion after being raped by her step-father. I suggest you read more about the story here.

It is just disgusting that in Paraguay you have to have life-threatening effects from pregnancy to be able to have an abortion. This angers me to no end because not only does that leave the "life threatening" up to the speculation of doctors but it removes the ability for someone to choose the rest of their life, or at least the next 9 months. 

If I were to get pregnant I would get an abortion right away because I never want children. I don't even want to risk my body for another human in that way. As terrible as it sounds I don't want to cosmetically sacrifice my body for human life. I admire people that do sacrifice for their children but that is not something I want. I don't want children anyways so there is not a huge problem there. 

My point is that this girl needs to have an abortion for health reasons, even though she has "Stabilized". Some doctors are arguing it would put more strain on her body to have the abortion than the birth, I'm not sure how true this is. If that is true than I would argue not to put her at risk.

The other thing that angers me is that her mother is in jail now for failing her duty to care. That's all her mother was trying to do. I am not sure what the fuck Paraguay is up to right now. 

The other thing to do with abortion is that not only is she 10 but she was raped. She didn't even choose to have sex, her step-father raped her. Some people "for abortion" argue it should only be used for the reasons of rape and instability and that is exactly what this is. 

What do you think? This whole situation makes me angry. 

1. A Short Story
2. Things I love and hate about running
3. A Picture I've drawn/created
4. Talk about something on this wikipedia list: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unsolved_problems_in_philosophy
5. 20 Things to do before I turn 20
6. What I like and dislike about my City
7. An Obit to my Father 
8. Should there be limits to freedom of expression?
9. How I feel about Hedonism
10. Writing Advice
11. Letters to my future self
12. A Picture of my life every hour (Set a timer on my phone and take a picture every hour of what I am doing, on the hour from wake until sleep)
13. The Advantages and Disadvantages of being a philosophy major
14. Something funny
15. Describe something (My day? My job? I'll decide later) in 5, 50 and 500 words (We'll see how this works out)
16. Things that make me happy
17. Why monogamy and marriage are dead and I am still getting married
18. Why sex is natural
19. Thoughts on Minimalism
20. A response to something ridiculous, whether an article or event, something
21. Map Test: I will try to label 3 maps Canada (where I live), the US (where most of my readers are from) and a world Map. All in order to embarrass myself. 
22. My 5 favourites: TV shows, books, celebrities, comedians, music, food, movies, stores, makeup, clothing styles, drinks
23. A recipe
24. Why I love Nick (a list)
25. My Life (so my followers who don't know me in RL can get a feel of what I do outside of my blog)
26. A thought experiment (What if...?)
27. Why I haven't been caring for the environment AKA Why I am selfish
28. ?
29. ?
30. ?
31. What I learned from this blog challenge

Things I love and hate about running

Alright, so I messed up. I missed several days of my blog challenge. I have immediately failed. Whoops. I blame the fact that I have been busy working. I picked up a bunch of shifts which is awesome but I also then forgot about my blog. On my time off I wanted to spend it with Nick so I just completely ignored my blog. Anyways, I'm posting this post today and maybe another one tonight. I am going to complete all 31 challenges but I may post more than once a day or it might go into June (whoops).

So today's post is things I love and hate about running. I've been running for about 4 years now and in that time I've run 2 half-marathons (2012, Ottawa, 2:01:35) and (2013, Toronto, 1:58:37), a 30k (2013, Hamilton, 3:09:08) and a marathon (2014, Toronto, 5:12:20). I also did cross country while I was in high school with my record time being 21:19 for 5k.

As any runner might be able to tell, as time goes on I haven't necessarily gotten better (see my marathon time, oops). I am running my third half marathon in Ottawa this month on the 24th. My goal was to run it in under 1:50, which I felt was a good goal when I signed up after my marathon because my split time at the half-way point for the marathon was 2:20 and I was pacing myself to run the marathon. Now I feel like my half-marathon time is probably going to be worse than past years, which makes me sad. It will still probably be around 2:15. But I have gotten caught up in life and have been running less.

Anyways, here is what I hate and love about running.

What I love:
- I get to see new parts of where I live that I never noticed before
- I get to make trips out of going to run different places
- It makes me healthier and makes me feel healthier
- It's something that I can choose to do on my own volition as it is not a requirement of society to do it
- It gives me something to work towards and look forward to
- It is an individual sport


What I hate:
- Sometimes I get injuries from running
- Being "weather dependant" on whether or not I run
- Getting stuck in rain storms (not a little bit of rain, that's pretty nice, but when it starts POURING)
- The pressure to never stop! I've started running but I feel like it will never ever stop. I don't know how! I don't want to stop yet but it just feels like it will never happen
- I hate when I get tired halfway through a run and I am about 10km away from the house
- Repetitive scenery. Sometimes it's hard to change it up when you've seen everything in the city there is to see and more.
- Having to bring water. Quite often I just won't carry water with me.
- Trying to keep my phone, keys, sometimes energy packs and water with me while I run
- Spending money on shoes constantly. I need a pair of shoes right now and I am broke!

Speaking of broke and needing new shoes, here is a shameless plug. I have a GoFundMe page to get a new pair of running shoes: http://www.gofundme.com/sarahsshoes. I'm trying to get the $150 I need so I can have a good-working pair of shoes that aren't worn down.


Anyways. Good luck to all of the runners out there. It's running event season right now because the weather is perfect.

1. A Short Story
2. Things I love and hate about running
3. A Picture I've drawn/created
4. Talk about something on this wikipedia list: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unsolved_problems_in_philosophy
5. 20 Things to do before I turn 20
6. What I like and dislike about my City
7. An Obit to my Father 
8. Should there be limits to freedom of expression?
9. How I feel about Hedonism
10. Writing Advice
11. Letters to my future self
12. A Picture of my life every hour (Set a timer on my phone and take a picture every hour of what I am doing, on the hour from wake until sleep)
13. The Advantages and Disadvantages of being a philosophy major
14. Something funny
15. Describe something (My day? My job? I'll decide later) in 5, 50 and 500 words (We'll see how this works out)
16. Things that make me happy
17. Why monogamy and marriage are dead and I am still getting married
18. Why sex is natural
19. Thoughts on Minimalism
20. A response to something ridiculous, whether an article or event, something
21. Map Test: I will try to label 3 maps Canada (where I live), the US (where most of my readers are from) and a world Map. All in order to embarrass myself. 
22. My 5 favourites: TV shows, books, celebrities, comedians, music, food, movies, stores, makeup, clothing styles, drinks
23. A recipe
24. Why I love Nick (a list)
25. My Life (so my followers who don't know me in RL can get a feel of what I do outside of my blog)
26. A thought experiment (What if...?)
27. Why I haven't been caring for the environment AKA Why I am selfish
28. ?
29. ?
30. ?
31. What I learned from this blog challenge

What makes me Happy? Day 1: 31 Day blog challenge

This is day one of my 31 day blog challenge. If you don't know what I am doing, click here. I have chosen to do #16 on my list.

Things that Make Me Happy

Happiness is weird. I like happiness. I am not an optimist in any way shape or form and I think that happiness and optimism are separate of each other. Optimism has shown to allow more happiness to come but correlation does not prove causation (am I right psych majors?). Anyways. Happiness is... an experience that is enjoyed. As odd as that definition is I think it is correct. Happiness isn't just a feeling and is certainly not an emotion. It is an experience that is enjoyed. 

Happiness doesn't just brew from positives. Sociopaths might find happiness from things most people find twisted. So happiness can't be associated with whole positives. The positives that happiness can be associated with are the positives that one has from within. So happiness is experience exclusively to the individual. Happiness can be shared between people but it is still experienced differently. Some psychologists might argue that the facial expressions of happiness is one of the most universal. But I also know that the facial expression of happiness is the same across many different emotions like joy, love, success, etc. 

Anyways. Some of the things that make me happy on this list are 

- Being surprised by my fiancé, a call, a gift, a text, a picture, a note, anything except when he hides behind a door and scares me 

- When I find success, through a DIY project, a grade on an essay, cooking a recipe that turns out perfectly

- When I am content. When I am sitting doing nothing, maybe watching something, I can be at my most happiest. I am probably at one of the happiest I can be when I an content, which is not the same for all people

- When I am doing things with friends, sometimes. I don't always like social interaction but doing things with friends can definitely cheer me up

- When my rabbit comes up to me and cuddles with me without me trying to force her

- WHEN NEW EPISODES OF MAD MEN COME OUT LIKE OMG

- When I do my makeup and it turns out well

- Having all of the windows open in the apartment when the weather is beautiful

- Finishing a book

- Going for walks

- Doing things for my fiancé like packing his lunch, doing his laundry, helping him out when he needs me. I can't explain why but it makes me happy to help

- When I am working with one of my favourite coworkers

- That feeling when I leave the gym after a good workout

- Good conversation makes me happy, like a good intellectual conversation in one of my philosophy classes

- Date night with my fiancé/spending time with him

- Finding a new piece of clothing that I really like (I know, such a girl)

- Eating something delicious

- Burning candles

- Listening to ASMR 

- Looking at nature 

I can't really think of many more right now. I'm sure this list could be 1000 things long, but I think I covered the basics. A lot of the things I wrote about are things I enjoy doing that make me content. Which is why I think I am just really happy when I am content. If I am slightly stimulated by activity I can still be happy but if there is too much going on I become unhappy.

I hate articles that are like "Here is how to be happy" because even though those things work for most people, the more simple way to figure out how to be happier is to make your own list. 

Anyways, come back again tomorrow. Hopefully I remember to write again! I'm sure I'll forget one of these days. 

1. A Short Story
2. Things I love and hate about running
3. A Picture I've drawn/created
4. Talk about something on this wikipedia list: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unsolved_problems_in_philosophy
5. 20 Things to do before I turn 20
6. What I like and dislike about my City
7. An Obit to my Father 
8. Should there be limits to freedom of expression?
9. How I feel about Hedonism
10. Writing Advice
11. Letters to my future self
12. A Picture of my life every hour (Set a timer on my phone and take a picture every hour of what I am doing, on the hour from wake until sleep)
13. The Advantages and Disadvantages of being a philosophy major
14. Something funny
15. Describe something (My day? My job? I'll decide later) in 5, 50 and 500 words (We'll see how this works out)
16. Things that make me happy
17. Why monogamy and marriage are dead and I am still getting married
18. Why sex is natural
19. Thoughts on Minimalism
20. A response to something ridiculous, whether an article or event, something
21. Map Test: I will try to label 3 maps Canada (where I live), the US (where most of my readers are from) and a world Map. All in order to embarrass myself. 
22. My 5 favourites: TV shows, books, celebrities, comedians, music, food, movies, stores, makeup, clothing styles, drinks
23. A recipe
24. Why I love Nick (a list)
25. My Life (so my followers who don't know me in RL can get a feel of what I do outside of my blog)
26. A thought experiment (What if...?)
27. Why I haven't been caring for the environment AKA Why I am selfish
28. ?
29. ?
30. ?
31. What I learned from this blog challenge

31 Day Blog Challenge List

Here are the rules:
- I have 28 blog topics that I will blog about.
- One topic/day
- I must blog everyday in May (2015)
- In addition to the post I must post 2 photos: one of myself and one of something else (something I did, ate, something memorable, etc). The photo aspect will be more of just a journalling aspect to the blog challenge.
- I have left 3 posts open so if I feel like blogging about something I didn't write about in the moment I can choose to do so.
- The list is not in order, I will pick whichever I wish doing each day.

For the 3 posts left open, I will also take suggestions for blog posts. If there is a topic you want my opinion on or something creative you want me to write, I'll probably do it. If there are no suggestions or no suggestions I feel like writing about, I will leave them open to however I feel.

If a post is linked below, it has been done and you can click to read it :)

1. A Short Story
2. Things I love and hate about running
3. A Picture I've drawn/created
4. Talk about something on this wikipedia list: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unsolved_problems_in_philosophy
5. 20 Things to do before I turn 20
6. What I like and dislike about my City
7. An Obit to my Father 
8. Should there be limits to freedom of expression?
9. How I feel about Hedonism
10. Writing Advice
11. Letters to my future self
12. A Picture of my life every hour (Set a timer on my phone and take a picture every hour of what I am doing, on the hour from wake until sleep)
13. The Advantages and Disadvantages of being a philosophy major
14. Something funny
15. Describe something (My day? My job? I'll decide later) in 5, 50 and 500 words (We'll see how this works out)
16. Things that make me happy
17. Why monogamy and marriage are dead and I am still getting married
18. Why sex is natural
19. Thoughts on Minimalism
20. A response to something ridiculous, whether an article or event, something
21. Map Test: I will try to label 3 maps Canada (where I live), the US (where most of my readers are from) and a world Map. All in order to embarrass myself. 
22. My 5 favourites: TV shows, books, celebrities, comedians, music, food, movies, stores, makeup, clothing styles, drinks
23. A recipe
24. Why I love Nick (a list)
25. My Life (so my followers who don't know me in RL can get a feel of what I do outside of my blog)
26. A thought experiment (What if...?)
27. Why I haven't been caring for the environment AKA Why I am selfish
28. ?
29. ?
30. ?
31. What I learned from this blog challenge

See you May 1st!

Goals and Complaints

Summer 2015. Oh boy, it is here! I consider the summer to be the times in which I am not in school, not when it is shorts weather. I have a habit of creating goals for my breaks, like reading week, winter holidays and especially the summer, so I think I should do that again.

So how do I want to improve my life this time, bitch? Oh fuck. Shit. I hate thinking like this. I hate assuming everything always sucks all of the time and that I have to just stop the sucking... that's what she said...? But I do. I think that everything always sucks. My fiancé and I are quoted saying "Life sucks and then you die" constantly. I find it to be true. My fiancé got a full time job: good! He earns over minimum wage: AWESOME! The government takes about 15-20% of his paycheque to put towards CPP, EI, etc: shit. Shitty shitty shitballs. That fucking sucks that his salary works out to be $10.10/hour once the government steals his shit.

I spent a good 10 minutes convincing him that he can't do anything about it. "You don't vote. You can revoke your residency in Canada but then you have nowhere to live, no benefits, no healthcare, nothing. You can't do anything. Complaining to me won't work because I can't do shit either". It's all true and it is all shit. But maybe I need to stop thinking like this. If you read my blog avidly you can see a theme of depression and hopelessness. I hate hope. More on that on a future blog post, perhaps.

So what the fuck are my goals this summer? What else am I sucking at?

Consumerism. I am the biggest consumer now. I think it is because I am starting to care about the way I look more. I like fashion a lot, and I am getting more and more into makeup. Okay, that's cool, you like fashion and whatnot, but my problem is I started craving brand names. I want RayBans, fucking sue me! I could get $15 sunglasses at Winners or get sunglasses 2/$15 at the mall, but no. I want RayBans. So I need to stop this? At first my summer goal was to earn a lot of money so I could buy everything I wanted.

Of course I have the wedding this summer maybe. I still need to plan it. I think that when I tell people that I am not looking forward to planning my wedding that they think my marriage is going to fail. But I think that the fact that I am annoyed with wedding planning just shows how much that the marriage is about marriage and not about a wedding so it is in fact a good thing. Either way, I'm still planning a wedding for a possible date of September 6th but I didn't say that...

I feel like I should say something inspiring like, but I shouldn't look at my life this way! It is not all negatives! I should look at things as able to be improved, not as shit. I keep saying shit so much because we said it in my one philosophy class all of the time. KAKA. Kaka is shit. Shit shit shit. shit. I say "That's shit" to pretty much everything. I swear like a sailor. I never thought the word cunt would ever be in my vocabulary. Saying fuck is one thing, but now that I just call everyone a cunt I should probably stop, but no.

Back to goals. So what do I want to improve... ew. 

I want money. This goal may not be attainable since I work part-time and I can't find full-time work despite the fact that I have been applying to places since January. I had one interview to be a Barista and I haven't heard back yet, but despite having barista experience, I don't think I will get it. So if I don't get money, I'll have to focus on something else.

I want to lose weight or not lose weight or something. I want to change my body composition. Recently I hit 145lbs which is the most I've ever weighed. I kind of ran my marathon and then gained 15lbs. Whoops! I've already lost 10lbs though. I wanted to hit 125lbs again but I don't know if that will happen. I just want to be happy in a crop top. I want to be able to wear a crop top out without hating my body. So if that means losing the next 10lbs or just improving my body image, who knows!

I want to write more. Maybe a book, maybe my blog.

I want to keep the apartment clean and re-organize it. Nick and I still have 2+ years here. We have 2 years left of our undergrads but he has to make up some courses so he/we could be here another semester which is depressing and I don't want to think about it.

I definitely want to eat healthier. Especially if I am not working more than 20 hours in a week. I have all of the time in the world to go to the market and cut up fresh fruits and veggies and prepare healthy and tasty meals for my fiancé and I. Since he is working I am taking on more of the housewife role. When he was unemployed he was more of a housewife. It just works.

I want to plan the wedding by the end of May. I know it is last minute for a late-summer/early-fall wedding but we aren't getting married at Gatsby's house, we are probably going to get married in a park, so it doesn't require as much time for booking.

So let's actually word these wants into goals:

1. Get a new job. I will do this by job searching online everyday or when I have free time.
2. Continue going to the gym, increase it to 5-6x instead of 4x since I have more time now.
3. If I don't get a job, especially, I will begin writing a book. Probably adult fiction, no lie. If not, I am going to re-design my blog and keep up with it more.
4. I am going to re-organize the apartment, throw out old stuff I don't need/sell it, and make it nicer appearing in general. Maybe buy a couple new things for organization.
5. Eat healthier in general, but don't stop completely. I will be unhappy if I can't drink my beer and eat poutine. I am so fucking Canadian you can't even understand right now.
6. Plan the wedding by May 31st.
ALSO
7. I am running a half-marathon in Ottawa in May. Run it in under 1:55. Right now my half-marathon time is probably 2:10ish... I have a month exactly. Let's see what I can do!

I have said this forever but I also want to start a youtube channel. I have done things a couple of times, like vlogs but they were so boring. I want to do a variety channel with different things, DIY tutorials, makeup tutorials, hauls, vlogs, rants. I am the weirdest combination of stereotypes that my channel will be so confusing.


LASTLY... I will be doing a 31-day blog challenge to keep up with blogging and get back into it, starting May 1st. I am going to come up with 15 topics and leave the other half of the blog to whatever I feel like writing because sometimes I just want to write about what I want to write about.

So stick around.

What size clothes am I?!

I am currently in the middle of writing an essay for my philosophy of sex and love class. Essentially the essay is on how culture shapes our ideas of sex and attraction. I am basically focusing on pornography in this essay so this has been a fun day of research.

I'm going to take a break from writing my essay to write this blog post about my clothing size. What? Why? To show how ridiculous clothing sizes are.

I'll start off with some basic body stats:
I am around 137 pounds right now and 5'7''. I am 19. I am athletic, I run marathons (sometimes) but I also eat crazy unhealthy on occasion.

I swear this post isn't to post selfies of myself or to show off, I am just complaining on the fashion industry and how no two places can agree on clothing sizes. Also, all of these photos were taken within this past year.

I am generally a size 10 pant now, but the majority of my pants are a size 8 and I have some size 6 and size 12 pants as well. Huh.

(Size 6 pants, size small shirts)

I almost always wear a size medium pant but all of my workout pants are about half size small and the other half size medium. All of my pajama bottoms are size large or else they are too small. Shorts generally have to be a size large.

Size medium shorts that are too big, size small shirt

My shirt size is medium, most of the time.

My bra size is usually a 34A but sometimes is a 36A, 32B and 34B. I have some bralets which are a size small and some that are medium. Bathing suit tops are always medium.

Bathing suit bottoms are always large but underwear is always a size medium. What?

Size large bikini bottoms, size large mens shirt? Haha

I fit into most size 8 shoes but running shoes and some flip flops I take a 9 and some flats and boots I need 7 1/2s in.

All of my coats from 4 years ago that were a size small still fit and are not too small but I always buy mediums now.

Size medium shirts, size 8 pants, size 8 shoes.

I am usually a size small in dresses but some I need a medium in. I can still fit into some x-small dresses. Also I am a size 4-6 in dresses.

So what the fuck, fashion industry? I have to take in 3 different sizes of the same pair of jeans into the change room and quite often come out with none of them fitting. My body isn't oddly shaped, I am a normal human with no lump protruding from my calve or one boob 5x bigger than the other. So I don't see the problem?

Anyways. I promise that this summer I am going to be blogging more. I'll probably re-design my blog again. I'll have more well thought out posts. Next week I have 3 essays due, 3 exams and then I have one three page paper due the week after that. Currently I'm still working 12-20 hours a week which is not enough so I am looking for full time work, so especially until I find full-time work, I will have a lot of time to blog.

I'm looking forward to reflecting on my past year at school, new thoughts I've had and maybe some creative pieces! I also plan on blogging more about fitness and my struggles with my body. (How freaking shitty does that sound?).

Anyways, that is all for now.

Those studying for exams, good luck!

Do you have weird experiences with clothing sizes?