I got my wedding dress & I am beginning to hate weddings

Firstly, I apologize because I typically do not post girly things like this. If you are a regular reader, this is a different type of post. Although you might want to stick around for the end of the post because I get into a ranty mood about the wedding industry. Enjoy!

I went dress shopping for the first time last Sunday and I was determined to get my wedding dress then and there because I didn't want to keep looking at other shops forever. My actual wedding isn't going to be for about a year and a half or so but I went dress shopping early. Why? This is why: http://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2014/11/11/liquidator_hopes_for_a_bridal_wave_with_wedding_gown_clearance_sale.html

I don't live in Toronto, but I am about a 4 hour drive away. $52 of gas was totally worth getting my wedding dress for $199+tax. I won't be posting a photo of it because I do not want most guests and my fiance to see what it looks like. Well, actually, I do. I really do want my fiance to know what it looks like, but apparently you're not supposed to. Which is dumb.

I tried on approximately 18 wedding dresses. I had a specific dress in mind, lace sleeves, tight and long, no train, maybe backless, maybe a corset dress. Well, I didn't find that. But I did find one that I like. It had a train. I HATE dresses with trains. I don't know if I am going to get it altered to not have a train yet. It isn't super poofy but it does stick out, I might get a layer of the poofiness removed as well and just hope that the main layer of fabric sits the same.

Anyways, how did I select that dress from all of the others? Whenever I tried on a dress I would walk out and look into a mirror. Frequently I would look at the dress in the mirror and think "that's a really nice dress" but then I would look up at my face and my entire body and hate it. Weird, huh? The way that my face looked in the dress determined the dress that I got. Many dresses looked good on my body and many of them were beautiful but until I looked at my self as a whole in the dress and I liked what I saw, I didn't choose a dress.

Although I do regret getting the dress that I got. It is kind of a vintage-modern type of dress and it is very gorgeous and too extravagant. I regret getting it because it is too extravagant. I am most likely going to be planning a small wedding and it not be very low key. I was very inclined to buy a second dress I tried on which was lace t-shirt style on top with a belt at the waist and then dropped down with no train and was chiffon. It was only $199 and I should've done that. But I didn't.

My wedding is not going to match my dress. The dress I got looks way better on me than the low-key dress, so I will rock it. But I do regret this.

But I honestly don't care anymore. I'm starting to get fed-up with planning a wedding. It is annoying. I don't want anyone else to plan it because I don't want to be unhappy with it. But things are already starting to happen that I don't want to happen. My mom insisted on buying me a veil (she also paid for my dress) and I do not want a veil. Yes, I agree the veil looks nice with the dress and pulls it all together but I also hate the idea of a veil.

I really am starting to hate the whole industry. I want to sell my engagement ring (even though it wasn't very expensive) and buy a slim band for my engagement and a slightly thicker one for the wedding.

I want to sell the dress and get a more low-key dress.

But I won't be doing these things because of all of the pressure I am feeling from everyone around me. Heck, even the groom doesn't want to elope!

But he is right. I might regret not having a nice wedding. But at the moment it's too much. I could delay the wedding to be years and years from now but I want to be married soon and it is kind of backwards to get a marriage certificate with no wedding and then having a wedding years later.

It's all dumb.

But anyways. My dress is cute so whatever, right?  

10 Christmas songs... for the ATHEIST!

As an avid christmas lover and an atheist, I decided to compile a list of christmas songs that I enjoy that do not contain anything religious in them. It just sucks that "Christ" is in "Christmas". Oh well.

HAPPY SATURNALIA EVERYONE!

Here are 10 Christmas Songs for the Atheist:

Michael Buble- White Christmas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btf3506ERbY
Children listen to hear sleighbells in the snow in this song... not stories told from the bible.

Bing Crosby- It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcZAwoip5aY
A good ole' song about consumerism. Nothing religious here.

Mariah Carey - All I want for Christmas is you
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXQViqx6GMY
"I don't want a lot for christmas, there is just one thing I need" lack of religious falsities, for me. 

Dean Martin - Let it Snow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN7LW0Y00kE
Let it snow on the churches so hard that they can't get in. Harsh? Maybe. 

Britney Spears - My Only Wish
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrvebqA8xdM
Although, if you replace the name "Santa" with "God" this just sounds like she is being whiny and bratty about wanting someone to love. But with Santa, it just sounds perfectly justified!

Celine Dion - So this is Christmas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51bO1CVPWRA
Let's hope it's a good one, without any Jesus references.

Train- Shake up Christmas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-8VCL4uSUc
I never heard this song until today. It's solid.

Ariana Grande - Last Christmas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYSWgsUQt1U
Give your heart to someone special, not god. Because there isn't one. Get it? It's a joke! There's no god! Hilarious, right?

Shakin' Stevens - Merry Christmas Everyone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeyHl1tQeaQ
This is how christmas should be. 

Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmas Time
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o8-eLZhrOA
One of my favourites. 


What are your favourite atheistmas songs?

Things that I want to do

I just turned 19 and for those who do not know, that is the legal drinking age in Ontario, Canada, where I live. So my life is basically awesome now and that is all that matters. I was going to write a long post about drinking but I wasn't feeling like it. I don't know how to describe alcohol yet, even though I've been drinking since I was 17. Let's just leave it at being "amazing and terrifying".

I decided to leave a list of "things I want to do" here. They aren't goals, they are just things that I want to do, whether they are realistic or not. I'm not going to put too much thought into it, I am just going to write without stopping.

- I want to take my mom on a cruise once I can afford it, most likely an Alaskan cruise
- I want to visit Europe every other year, at least once I have money
- I want to run a marathon in every province in Canada, and at least one in Florida, New York & Maybe even boston someday (P.S. I just completed my first marathon on October 19th, so go me!) Also in places in europe. Pretty much anywhere I can go.
- I want to be famous for something, whether it be an idea in the philosophy community, a book I wrote, a funny video I post... anything. Just for 5 minutes. Ideally I'd like to have a youtube video blow up and earn 1.5 million off of it.
- Lose about 10-15 pounds. I weight 135 right now, which is the most I've ever weighed. I ran my marathon at the lowest point of physical fitness I've had in a while, it's just I had the endurance to do it.
- Have a nice big house
- Have a daschund, basset hound, great dane, another lab, etc. Love dogs.
- Have a really short hairstyle once
- Go white-blonde before my hair goes grey... or once it goes grey just die it white blonde
- Meet a celebrity, Tina Fey or Stana Katic, preferably.
- Do something amazing for my future husband, Nick. I don't know what, but something that just causes him to fall backwards.
- Have a shitty enough wedding that it's cheap, but good enough so that people think that we spent too much on it for being students.
- Change the lives of my students
- Throw a lot of my salary as a teacher back into my students' education
- Have a closet full of corsets because I can
- Live on an island with nick for a year (with electricity) and what not but not be bugged by anything for a year. Pay to have food delivered once every few weeks, have nothing go wrong ever. No stresses. Essentially pay buttloads of money upfront to be catered to for a year, pay things like electricty, internet and whatnot in advance so we don't get bugged. Everything will just be perfect and there will be no stress
- Get my uterus removed, if not my tubes tied. By the time I'm married at 20 because I fucking hate the pill.
- Run a half marathon faster than 1:40, if I can do this, run it in under 1:30. Run a marathon in under 4:00 and if I do this, qualify for Boston.


I guess that's it for now. My brain ran out. I just typed that until I was done.

Life is pretty okay right now compared to usual. I know exams are coming up soon so my hair will start falling out more. Actually, that doesn't happen to me, which is good. But still, my philosophy in school (HAHA that's funny since I am a philosophy major) is essentially to learn how to succeed and not learn the material. I know what I need to focus on for how long and how to take a test and how to write an assignment and go to all of my classes. When it comes to my free time, I spend maybe 3-5 hours a week on school on average (other than class). When I have a test, I probably spend about 10+. Professors recommend you spend 3 hours additional to each class you take. Yeah. No. Maybe once third year comes and definitely in 4th year. School is so easily bullshitted it  is hilarious.

Anyways.

That's it for now.

My Sexuality

The past few days I have been tweeting quite a bit about being attracted to certain female celebrities. Specifically, Stana Katic, who is very sexy. I am very attracted to her.

I've never really publicly declared my sexuality before. I've been telling people I am straight/heterosexual my whole life, and that is why I still tell people. Although there probably should be an asterisk on it. 

I am sexually, emotionally and physically attracted to men more than I am sexually, emotionally and physically attracted to females. But I still have the ability to be sexually, emotionally and physically attracted to females. Physical attraction between men and females is pretty equal, for the most part, in my opinion.

Why am I even thinking about this? My (male) finacé and I were talking about whether or not we would stay with each other if one of us switched genders. He said no, I said yes. If for some reason he wanted to become a girl (he would make a hideous girl for the record) I would stay with him. My love and relationship status doesn't change because his sexual organs do. Although he argued that he wouldn't stay with me (most likely, at least). He said he would probably try but he would find it hard, even if we didn't have sex. He said we would probably just be really good friends. I was kind of offended by this, but I also get it, I guess.

I told myself all through high school that I wouldn't say no to a girl if she asked me out. I feel like I could be equally capable to love a woman as much as I could love a man. I think it's weird that others wouldn't or couldn't be able to. I think it doesn't matter what sexual organs 2 people have. 

But even though I argue that it's weird some people are just exclusive to a certain sex, I still have a preference to men. I think it's because I like the dynamic better. I guess. I'm not sure.

But I am definitely attracted to women. Anybody that has heard me talk about Tina Fey certainly knows. But Stana Katic is definitely my dream female celebrity right about now. It's not just celebrities I am talking about. It's just easy to point out attractive female celebrities.

But I guess it doesn't matter anyways that I might be bi-sexual or polysexual or whatever. I don't care to figure it out or to define myself. I am with a man and I am physically, emotionally and sexually attracted to him and that's all that really matters right now. 

(Stana if you are reading this I will leave my finacé for you)*

*kidding

Analyzing a quote of mine

I was glancing through my blog and I came across the sentence "Life is just depressing me, but in a good way" in my blog post "Even I don't know what I'm talking about here" in the first paragraph. I've decided to try to pick that sentence apart, because not only is it good practice for me, as I am an English minor but I am crazy. 

So, let's get started. 

Am I happy that life is depressing me? Do I like the drama of a depressing life? I think many people do. A lot of people on tumblr are obsessed with looking out of bay windows on rainy days with coffee and cats and are contempt with this utter sadness. This isn't depression, but I am just saying that depression has been somewhat romanticized by the over-dramatic.  What do I mean by this? I think that many young adults feel like depression is a good thing. Arguably, I may have been in this position at one time or another. Why is it a good thing? It gives you a different perspective on life. Since I am more of a realist than an optimist, depression seems pretty damned amazing to help me achieve my realistic point of view. Although depression and being a realist are not causal of each other or required for one another at all. 

So am I involved in this dramatic romanticization of depression? I don't think so. Now follow me. I don't think I am because I think I am. Here is my argument: people often say that you don't have to worry about being a psychopath if you yourself can ask yourself that question and think you might be, because a psychopath will never think they are a psychopath. It is sort of the same as saying that a hipster can only be a hipster if they say they are not a hipster. Weird? It's a very flawed argument, but I think to a degree I am able to romanticize depression and someone follow this doctrine, but then again, since I think I do, I probably am not.

So what do I mean by "Life is just depressing me, but in a good way". Maybe it has to do with working hard and getting payed off? School makes me sad, but going through this sadness can result in happiness. This could be it... but I don't think I would think like that except in cases like right now, because I am analyzing it.

What was the context? In my blog post I almost seem like I am 'giving up on life'. So maybe I am simply just enjoying this depressing aspect of life? 

I guess nobody knows. Hell, the blog post that I am quoting from is titled "Even I don't know what I'm talking about here", here being in reference to my blog. So I guess even I don't know. Maybe I was just trying to reflect upon the post title by concluding the first paragraph.

I never write proper paragraphs in my blogs. I always just begin a new line when I have a different point or when I pause my thinking. It's an informal blog, not an essay.

Anyways. I guess that's it for now. I am off to read a section of Martha C. Nussbaum's Other Times, Other Places: Homosexuality in Ancient Greece for my 3rd year Philosophy of Sex and Love class. 

I will post again someday. 

Technology in the Classroom is... frowned upon?

Not too long ago while I was in high school, my teachers taught me that technology and having laptops will be a huge thing within colleges and universities. I am only speaking on behalf of my experience at the university I attend, but this is not the case.

Some of my profs suggest "laptops are useless in the lecture hall unless you have a disability that requires you to use one." Professors prefer people to take pen & paper notes, which I also prefer.

It's no lie that laptops are distracting, to not only the person using it who is tempted to surf the web, but the person next to them gets distracted from the lecture as well, curious as to what the darting moving pages are on the screen. I can't directly quote which study this is, but professors of mine claim that there is a study that shows the people sitting around the person using the laptop are more distracted by the laptop than the person with the laptop.

Profs of mine hate cell phones as well, which is easily justified because they can be a nuisance if they go off. One of my professors even asks us to turn them off, and is very serious about it.

Technology has its place in the classroom, but I agree with my professors. It is distracting.

In my philosophy and english classes especially, tech is not as necessary.

The key tool I have learned is necessary in classes is complete and total attention. Some professors even ask for you not to take notes because they want you to be absorbed in the material and they upload their notes or power points later. This I agree with for the most part, other than the odd key point I want to jot down then and there to help me remember it.

The reason why I am pointing this out is because of the way people see technology as progressive, when some professors and I suggest many schools are against new technologies in the classroom. Of course, while writing papers or researching, they are very useful. But that is not what they are used for in lecture.

In lecture I bring a notepad and some pens and my iPad in case I need it/for break. I also bring my phone and I might check it once every half hour to see if my fiancé texted me. But in general I try to refrain from doing so. I rarely use my iPad during class. I usually use it before class to check my e-mails and then maybe play around with it during our break in our long lectures.

What do you think? Do you think laptops have a place in the classroom?

Arguably, I believe that they can, but most often are unnecessary. If a person works best with a laptop, then let them use it and maybe ask them to sit at the back or the sides as to distract as few as possible. Unless of course they have a disability or impairment, making them need to sit at the front with a laptop. As a student, the only problem I really have is when people are doing things on their laptop that are unnecessary, like going on facebook or playing a game. If you are doing that, you should be sitting at the back. I find that distracting.

The funniest thing about it all is that whenever a professor gives a talk on not going on facebook during lecture, I always see at least one person on their laptop on facebook.

I need to like school.

I need to start liking school.

I have this extreme hatred for the entire school system now. I am dreading going back to school. I love learning new things, it is honestly one of the biggest things that I love about myself. I just hate the system in which I have to learn things in, in order to qualify for a degree to say I know the things that I do.

I like the courses that I have picked out. I just want them to match up to the expectations I have for them.

I would drop out of school but I have no idea what else to do with my time. I'm sure there is something I could do, career wise, that would make me happier than teaching. Maybe not. I do really want to teach. But any other career I want are slightly more unrealistic. For example: being a comedian. I have no experience. I tried to create experience for myself by starting a comedy club at my university but nothing came of that.

I think I need to start liking school, though. I am depressed about it and my learning will be very disturbed even by being depressed. I want to be school oriented in order to get out of school on time.

How am I going to do this?

I have no clue. I am pretty much an alcoholic (I may write about this someday... probably not, it's kind of shady) and I told my fiancé I am brining a flask with me to class. This isn't a lie, I probably will. I did last year. Well, not bring a flask, but put something in my drink before I left. It's not good. I know I am an alcoholic. Whatever.

I need to not drink so much but it is also the easier route.

I think I will have more balance this year which will be great for focusing. I will have a lot on my plate, but I think it will balance me out better. Fuck. I hope I have time to see my fiancé at times other than sleeping. Between our school schedules, working, going to the gym & dance for me, and other social lives... ugh.

I have no clue. I have just started this train of thought in my head and I have no idea. I might figure it out eventually.

Even I don't know what I am talking about here.

I'm not up in arms about anything and frankly, it's odd. Usually I have some major idea or thought to scream about on my blog but for the past few months there has been nothing super inspiring for me. Life is just depressing me, but in a good way.

I'm just sick of school and I'm done writing exhaustive blog posts complaining about it (for now). I'm sick of working at retail jobs that I feel overqualified for and can't find a job that is equivalent to my abilities and will challenge me.

I know saying that you're "sick and tired" about something is just a phrase, but for me it's all too true. I'm tired of fighting idiots about political and social topics. Not done, just tired of it. I'm bored of it.

I'm half dreading school because I know there is going to be a lot of readings I simply don't want to do but should do. I am really bad at reading things I don't want to read because I just zone out and observe the words. I could read 20 pages before realizing I haven't absorbed any of it.

I'm seriously ready to just become a typical teenager and be completely wasted every moment that isn't working time or school time. If it was legal to drink during class I totally would. I've written assignments for school while drinking and gotten 100% on them.

I have my marathon soon and I seriously need to train for it. I was going to go for a run today but the weather decided to increase by a LOT out of the blue and I know that my 30k run would soon become 7k with the temperature out there. I am actually just getting super tired just sitting here thinking about it.

I might go to a nearby city that actually has things to do, tomorrow, with Nick. But I also don't want to spend money and he doesn't either. I'm stuck in a rut. Maybe school will bring something out of me. Inspiration to write, friends to visit... just anything.

I need an inspirational moment. I really do. My life is good right now, for the most part, other than money/school and work (but then again, those three things screw everyone over) but I just want something to be excited for. Well, I'm excited to get married. But something that is more inspirational or... I don't know... just something. Getting married is different.

Nick and I describe ourselves as "life partners" and although there is a need and occurrence of surprising each other and whatnot, we are not each others' only other thing in the world. I need something outside of the relationship to bring into the relationship to be excited about. Getting married is just the next step to solidify to everyone else that we are actually serious. Marriage is a big deal, but it's not the biggest deal. I swear that half of getting married is about everyone else around us. It makes me want to use all of the money we want to use for getting married to go on a really nice vacation. Because really, who cares if they get a half-decent meal and a weird little trinket to take home with them to celebrate us? We are probably going to have a nice wedding anyways, but it would be so easy to just be officiated in a public park (cost would be like $200, probably) and then take everyone close out to dinner somewhere. That would be so much cheaper than finding a venue. Seriously, some of the more inexpensive venues we are looking at are around $4,500 not including food or $12,000 including food. It is ridiculous. Our budget will probably be about $7,000 (maybe, who knows, maybe less maybe more) which is honestly ridiculous.

We could have a $1,500 wedding and then go somewhere nice. It is really our own relationship.

I have no idea where I am going with any of this. Oh yeah. The lack of being "up in arms" about everything. Oh well. Hopefully something dumb will happen soon to make me angry to write a blog post.

Also, I have a wedding blog now: bridetubey.blogspot.com

I am ENGAGED

The 27th of July, 2014.

I am a fiancée. My boyfriend, Nick proposed to me. Breathe.

We were playing a game where you ask yes or no questions and go back and forth. He said "Three more questions and then let's go to bed" and I agreed. He had the last question. We were sitting on the floor and he sat me down beside him on the sofa and began his speech. He ended his speech with the best question in that game's history. He kneeled on the floor in front of me, holding one of his own rings in his hand and asked me to marry him. I said yes.

He used one of his rings because he didn't have a ring for me yet and he didn't want to propose without a ring. So cute. I wear that ring on a necklace for now until my engagement ring is finished sizing and I can wear it. I should have it on the 14th. We picked it out together, the day after he proposed.

So, you may be asking yourself, "Why the fuck is Sarah getting married? She is 18!". I have never been a person for age stereotypes, but yes, I will be getting married when I am at the age of 20 (in the summer of 2016) and Nick will be 25.

I am getting married because I am willing to take a chance with the man I love. I want to marry him, he wants to marry me and therefore: we are going to get married. There is always a degree of fear in any relationship, whether boyfriend/girlfriend, or husband/wife. You never know when one of you will die, if you will split up/divorce, hate each other in the future, etc. But if you let that fear get in front of you, you won't be happy.

Anyways,

Allow me to answer the FAQs that I am assuming everyone has:

What did your parents think?
When I told my mom she replied, "I knew you would get engaged soon/I knew it".

What did his parents think?
They were happy I wasn't pregnant. They were supportive. They were a little shocked. His mom said "I can't believe how compatible you two are. I don't think I have ever seen a more compatible couple in my life"

Why not wait until you are older?
I personally want to get married before I am done my undergrad because I don't want to worry about it afterwords. Not that I couldn't wait, but I would rather not wait. I don't think there is an issue with me getting married to someone I love. Nevertheless, there is a stereotype of being foolish connected to marrying young, but I have also never been described as a foolish person.

Why are you waiting two years to get married?
Nick and I were talking about it and we decided that 2016 (the year between our 3rd and 4th years of school) was a good time. It gave us two years more living together before being married. Also, most venues we are looking at book 2 years in advance, so... we kind of have to wait if we want a nice venue.

How big is your wedding AKA how the fuck are you going to afford your wedding?
We are expecting around 40 people to be at the wedding. I am planning on saving some money from my inheritance from my dad and the two of us plan on saving money here and there from paycheques over the next two years. We want a nice and elegant wedding, but know we will have to sacrifice things. We also don't have a huge guest list. Yet.

So... what does the ring look like?

I am so happy to be marrying the man that I love. He makes me happy. Without him I would be in such a different place right now and I like where I am now. He gives me so much more than I could ever imagine. He is my best friend. We are compatible on every level of compatibility but have different hobbies so we have our own lives outside our relationship too. We can work through arguments. Every step we have taken in the relationship has felt so natural: falling in love, moving in together, adopting a pet, getting engaged. He is my life partner and I want him to always be my life partner. I am willing to take a chance on love with him. We balance each other out: things I know he doesn't, things I don't know, he does. We help each other out: he fixes my tech problems and I fix the holes in his clothes. We enjoy spending time together. We are willing to make sacrifices for each other. We picture a future together, support each other's ambitions and help each other out with achieving our goals. He helps me come out of my shell, make good life decisions and is there for me no matter what emotion I am expressing. I help him through any tough times, comfort him and make him feel better. We are in a lifelong relationship and it is currently making me happy so I am going to go with that emotion and try to keep it going forever. 

This Fall.

The year never feels like it begins on January 1st. Maybe once I am only working and not in school, but then again, I plan on becoming a teacher so September is still going to feel like the new year to me.

I think January 1st and the beginning of September are probably the 2 biggest times for creating goals. At least for me.

So what will this fall bring? 5 courses in my second year of University. I am really looking forward to the Philosophy of Sex and Love, which is a full year course. It is a 3rd year seminar course with only 12 students and I luckily hopped in early so I got into it. It might inspire me to 1) Actually want to complete my philosophy degree and 2) consider careers in sexology. I think my average will increase, even if I don't improve my studying techniques. Everyone I know gets higher grades come 2nd year just because. I think first year profs purposely mark hard. I don't know. Whatever. I need to let go of the idea that I may have a learning disorder. I have been tested. They said no. I think I just have too much insight into the system that it frustrates me.

I forget who was saying this to me. I think it was a coworker. But we were talking about the university system and how it caters to average students. Below average students suffer because of lack of support, or if they do seek out support, tutoring usually costs money so they end up paying more. Above average students aren't challenged so they fall off the bandwagon. I have learned that I am average in some things and slightly above average in other things. The only thing I have a genius IQ in is writing, specifically essay writing. I write really REALLY fast. I have unique ideas. I think that is just that. I make grammar mistakes all of the time. I'm sure PhD students are picking them out right now, but I rarely edit my blog posts because I simply choose not to. I quickly get my ideas out and then publish them.

Anyways.

What else does the fall bring?

My marathon. October 19th. 86 days from today. My goal was to run a marathon before October 28th (my 19th birthday this year). I was supposed to run the marathon in May but then I got mono and couldn't afford the trip anymore. So that was that. But I didn't give up. I am still training. My running has worsened but it is definitely still really good. I just know I can do better. I have a goal to run 400km before September 6th. So far I have run about 24, so I have some running to do. I am going for a run tonight.

ALSO. I am signing up for dance again. I did dance as a kid, and I did a semester of it in high school. I miss it so much. I talk about it all of the time. So I am doing it. As long as the schedule swings with my schedule. I am likely doing hip hop. I considered getting back into Jazz, but honestly, I don't feel like working on my spins. I might do jazz next year along with hip hop if I still have the time and money.

Lastly: my jobs. I have to lessen the hours at the places I work but I don't know what to tell them. One of the places I work doesn't give out set shifts so I can't ask them to do that. The other place might. If that place will give me like a Tuesday morning shift and like a Saturday shift (just as an example) every week, I'll be fine with that. I'll just tell the other place to schedule around it. If worst comes to worst, I know which one I will be quitting.

I think now that everything will be okay and I won't be busy. But I will be. Sadly. 

Pornography & Aggression

Okay. Let's just pause and think for just a moment.

A common thread of thought is that pornography causes aggression towards women, primarily.

Let's look at the facts: in many pornographic videos women are humiliated, dominated, put in bondage, fucked against their will and seem to enjoy it.

If women consent to these acts with understanding of the consequences of being filmed, identified and are aware of what acts will occur, I don't see any issue here with women's rights and whatnot. The only time this is a little iffy is when women enter pornography to be tricked into doing more than they bargained, which does occur according to a few documentaries I have watched. As long as the words of the women involved are respected and heard, there should be no problem. If halfway through a video the woman says "stop" this should also be respected. These are all no-brainers. But if what we do in the bedroom is private and nobody else gets a say, it being filmed shouldn't be an issue if the woman is consenting.

The second issue brought up with this violent pornography is whether or not it affects society. My opinion is that it does. But not in the way that is first recognized. It is not like people are tied to trees everywhere with people dressed up like cops fucking them. Not all porns actually happen like exactly what they are. That is the actual problem. Men and women get the idea that pornography is a reality. Especially if they begin watching porn before having sex. Men expect women to be thin with big boobs, removed labia, hairless everywhere, be willing to do anal, oral, be dominated, etc. Women expect men to be hung, fit, strong, dominating, etc.

That is the only problem that I see arising. But it is not coming from nowhere. The hair shaving for both men and women is a pain in the ass, and pretty much unnecessary. I read a statistic that only about 1/5 of young people are shaved. So it is not necessarily as common as seen in porn.

But the expected roles and acts for both men and women to commit, honestly, that's for couples to decide on. Sex between two people can be violent, can be passionate, I don't see pornography translating to a man's brain to think it is completely okay to tie up, choke and call a girl a "slut" on the first time. Unless that is what they both say they want on their first time having sex together, then why not.

I feel like pornography does normalize aggression in sex to those exposed to it. To people not exposed to aggressive sex, I think it is not normalized.

I think aggressive pornography is fine as long as:
A) Women involved are consenting in the porn
B) Men and/or women do not act aggressively without consent of the other partner
C) Aggressive sex is not expected of all women or men

The bottom line for couples or people having sex is that it needs to be consensual, no matter what act is happening, aggressive or not. Also, if there is a couple that is completely compatible but one partner wishes to be aggressive often during sex and the other doesn't: that is a recipe for disaster. A huge aspect of a relationship is to be sexually compatible. If someone isn't receiving the satisfaction they want or they are being pushed too far, they aren't going to trust or like the other person as much. There is no point being in a relationship like that.

Anyways. Those are my two cents... five cents. RIP penny, eh? 

My Life: now in confusing prose.

I've been scraping and nicking my knees along rock bottom, fighting and screaming ensuring I don't get caught. All people are trying not to get caught. Life really does suck.

Refutation of my frustration of my own successes. Successes are social media posts while failures do not exist:  they are enhanced. Enhanced from nothing. Nothing is still something because it exists. This is my life. Success is how I feel 

like

with my love. Love. Love. Love. LOVE. Sheets only block us from each other when we move close. Sleeping is easy. Waking up to you is like Christmas-- until realization of the dreaded stress of the day. You are the presents on my Christmas morning and shield me from the stresses of family, being snowed in and cleaning the dishes after the meal. We are voices of reason to each other. You help me from making poor choices

like

alcohol. I thought I was exaggerating my addiction. Drinking is as natural as driving on a road. Both activities are thought easy to quit but to Mr. Man quitting driving after 40 years and never taking any other methods of transportation is difficult. Quitting is not a journey. Do not call it a journey. Alcohol is amazing to me when I am drinking it. But any other time is

like

WORK. Saturday 9am: By myself at work, shaking, trembling, hiding tears from customers. Withdrawal. 1pm: Coworker. Hide it. Darken. Goodbye. My career will not be

like

work. Work is... fuck. Friends are here though. Wasted time for money though. Though it is all worth it 

because

home to you my dear. 

My lover - our first date & until now.

I haven't written in a month?

What the fuck?

Everyday I think "I should write in my blog soon" and then it doesn't happen for a month. Whoops.

Anyways...

I am in love with my boyfriend, Nick. We met in late August, a week or so before school started because him, myself and a friend of his/ours wanted to start a comedy club (which didn't pan out). Nick asked me to hang out and we hung out as friends. Until we made plans to go to Boston Pizza together and both of us later learned that neither of us knew whether or not it was a date. Until the end or halfway through or so. We ate at Boston Pizza and I was super nervous, but I wasn't like shaking or anything, I was just typically nervous. I had never felt nervous around him (other than maybe the first time we met, just a tad). He suggested we see a movie afterwards and saw We're the Millers.

Blah blah blah. Anyways, after the date was over he came back to res and we laid on a floor for a couple of hours playing with a mint and a dime. Yes, that happened. We kind of toyed at each other and flicked a mint across the floor. I would hold the mint or the dime and he would fight to get it out of my hands. He would hold it and I would rest my hand on his and then start trying to get it. Just feeling each others hands for the first time... was unbelievable. We are super weird, if you can't tell.

Anyways, he argues our first kiss happened on that floor. I argue that it didn't happen until the morning after. Whoops. Did I say that? Yeah. By the time our date was over and we were done mint playing it was 3am and I was "too tired and delirious to drive" and Nick didn't have a way home. Even though he said he would figure it out I told him to stay in res. After he started to move towards the living room I told him something like, "No, just come to bed with me. Not like that". Referring to sex, of course. So we passed out next to each other in a twin sized bed which we spent the next 6 months sleeping together in off and on when he came over to see me.

We grew to learn more about each other. Our newbie minor awkward dating stage was over in less than a few weeks.

He told me he loved me on October 25th, three days before my 18th birthday. I said "I think I do". I wasn't sure yet. Later he told me that he was pretty sure it was love but he questioned it. I hadn't really thought about it. November 2nd, on his birthday, I finally told him that I love him, and I did and do.

Eventually I didn't want to spend any nights apart from him. Not that I couldn't be alone, it was just that I didn't want to. We started spending more and more nights together at his parents' or at res and we talked about moving in together. I wanted to stay where school is for the summer because that is where he lives. It is also 5 hours away from all of my friends and family. But I couldn't spend a summer without him.

We decided to move in together in the summer. We ended up moving in together in March because we found an "awesome apartment" (which is now way too small and has too many things wrong with it, we want to move... even though it's not THAT bad).

Now we are just balancing life and work since school is out for the summer.

I love him. We have been together for over 10 months and living together for four of them. Our 1 year is on September 6th.

He is the reason I am alive.

My course selections 2014-2015! (2nd Year Uni)

Subject to change...

I am taking 9 credits of psychology, 12 of philosophy, 6 of english and 3 sociology credits (I am double-majoring in psych& philosophy with an english minor). I am not looking forward to Scientific Method & Analysis, a mandatory class I have to take. The first 3 courses listed I am taking all year. 

I had to choose between Canadian, British or American literature for my english credits for my minor. I chose American lit, in hopes of having some Emerson or Twain. I generally like them the most. Canadian lit is too dry for me, and British lit is too... Dickens for me. No thank-you. Not that I dislike either, I just prefer Am lit.

Origins of Western philosophy is a mandatory credit for philosophy. Although I think I will like it. 

Philosophy of sex and love is a 3rd year credit, but I had to find something to fill up my schedule because for WHATEVER REASON every course I need to take is running on Tuesday from 12:30-3:30 so I had some major scheduling issues. Anyways, I wanted to take this course anyways. There are only 12 students in the course and I am one of them so I am especially happy. I think this will be my 2nd favourite course.

Psych of Industry and Work isn't mandatory but I thought it would be an interesting psych credit. I don't know why. It just appealed to me.

Sociology for Educators II will most likely be my favourite. I haven't taken any sociology courses, yet I love sociology. I didn't have to take part 1 to take part 2, and it fills another gap in my timetable, therefore I am taking it. Plus, I want to be a teacher someday. That is why I think this will be my favourite course.

I am looking forward to 2nd year, this September. 

Bikini season! (being happy with eating unhealthy... sometimes)

I rarely have opportunities to even wear bikinis since I rarely go to the beach. Not because I don't want to, it's just the weather isn't super warm yet, I am busy and I am also lazy in the summer. But that doesn't mean I don't have pressures to feel skinnier.

I'm still trying to figure my body out. I am 18, I'm still young, technically still a teenager even though I feel so much older at times. I still don't know what to think of the way I look.

I went through some rough negative self-image times in early highschool, and really the whole time. I would restrict what I ate to a non-comforting level, limit what I would wear because of the way I looked and really, just saw my body as something it was not. I always thought I had more fat than I did. I think that now, I see myself the way I actually am. 

I've worked out to become muscular, to be skinny and to be healthy. I know the difference between all of them. Now I workout as a hobby. Originally I worked out at the gym and ran and rode my bike to be thin. I never focused on a specific dress size I wanted, I just wanted less body fat. Soon, I became absorbed in the weightlifting world to be stronger and have larger muscles. Eventually this led to just choosing to go to the gym to be healthy. 

In addition to this, during my "skinny times" I would eat less, but still eat unhealthy. This is dumb. I would eat popcorn, ice cream and mac and cheese out the wazoo, except still eat equivalent to the number of calories I either needed or even less. I wasn't getting the nutrients I needed.

During my "muscle" times, I would drink a lot of protein shakes and load up on caffeine as well.

When I became healthy, I found a balance. But I almost became too healthy in the sense that I became unhappy. I would go to a restaurant (yay) but then order a garden salad and watch my family or friends eat a giant plate of lasagna. This is depressing, no matter how healthy you are being. You need to allow yourself a McFlurry once in a while.

Where am I now? I workout because it's just who I am. I just do it. I do it because I know it is healthy, may make me stronger and may make me thinner. But I am not super committed to it. I eat healthy most of the time and avoid things that are just insanely terrible for me. I eat good portion sizes as well. But I definitely eat ice cream a lot more, I order what I want to eat at restaurants and I just watch myself.

So what does this have to do with bikini season? Well. Let's see, I am 5'7'' and 131lbs. This is an average-good weight for my height. My body fat percentage is probably at around 24% which is also average-good. But I still log-on to Pinterest and see the boards I follow with super skinny girls in bikinis and then I want to stop eating unhealthy foods. 

But that makes me sad.

Despite me weighing about 10lbs more from this time last year and gaining maybe only 1 or 2% body fat, I look mostly the same. I can tell the fat is on my stomach, but I don't have a muffin top or anything. I am average. Well, average would mean I weigh more, I just mean that I am where I should be at. 

Yet, I still don't want to worry about sitting on chairs in shorts and having my thighs expand due to the pressure from the chair. I look hotter standing than sitting because my fat doesn't squish as much. 

I've learned so much about angling and lighting to do with taking... selfies (yes I said selfies) that I know how to make myself seem a lot skinnier. 

I am not skinny, I am not fat, I don't even want to call myself "average" or say I have an athletic body type. 

I think I can finally say that I like my body now. I have never been more confident in a bikini, and that has nothing to do with my size. It has to do with my outlook on the bikini. I feel more confident and mature now. I want to find a bikini that looks hot on me for the summer. I tried on a pair of bikini bottoms from H&M that were a size 6 and 8, and both were too small. I was actually HAPPY about this. I like my butt. I have a big butt, in a good way. This also means that whenever I go to buy a two-piece that I have to buy the pieces separately due to my butt requiring a larger size than my boobs. 

But I am happy. I think my boyfriend gave me some confidence in my body, but some of the confidence I also just found myself. 

Labels & Stereotypes - Psychological Perspective

Psychologically speaking, labels and stereotypes come quickly and easily as a survival mechanism. Being able to categorize things allows us to understand our world better and first impressions are lasting because the brain doesn't care to dwell on little things like this day-to-day when it could be doing other things. In other words: racial, sexual, gender (whatever other social issue we have now) stereotypes are natural.

We naturally distinguished men and women from each other. It is an obvious distinction. Once humans evolved we started to create roles for these men and women and it was just easy to go along with the stereotypes and not question things. The stereotypes and labels of men and women (yet somewhat logically created) were just natural. The reason why I say it was somewhat logical is because men are naturally built to do more physical tasks like hunting and gathering, fighting and building while women have bodies to bear children. This has nothing to do with the mind, this has to do with the physical body: what we can look at. All can be agreed here that this seems like a rational label to give to men and women based upon their physical bodies.

We kept this categorization around and with society evolving, we do not have that lifestyle anymore where a man is the breadwinner and the woman is the caregiver, at least not all the time. Why? I will mostly argue it is the economy. One person working in a 2 adult household with children is generally not enough money, unless that one person is working a high-paying job. Also, let's face it, women probably didn't like being cooped up in the house. Also, men may not always enjoy spending less time with their family.

Whatever the reason, my point is that these labels and stereotypes came naturally because of a natural survival mechanism we have to categorize things in order to move on from dwelling and learn quickly.

These stereotypes are not necessarily a bad thing until they start affecting people's lives negatively. For example, once people started recognizing they dislike gender roles (which were natural stereotypes) it became difficult to break the stereotype because people are defensive about their preconceived notions. "No, my idea is correct". I have a theory that generally: nobody likes to be wrong. People will go to great lengths to not get in trouble and not be incorrect. This isn't necessarily a theory, but it does seem like an accurate predictor of actions amongst most people.

These stereotypes are therefore hard to break.

By saying these stereotypes are natural, I am not arguing they are correct. We have created societies which is essentially deviating from the natural. If we never deviated from the natural we would have no laws, societal structures, and may not even be alive. Societies themselves are a survival mechanism. Surrounding yourself with other people in groups and those groups just expanding and expanding with the population. Think of this:

I am a Canadian
I am a Canadian living in Northern Ontario
I am a Canadian Woman Student living in Northern Ontario with her boyfriend

Like I can keep breaking it down or making my relationships more general. My boyfriend and I fight together first, then people in my area, then my province, then my country. Really, it works this way, pretty much. We surround ourselves with people, naturally, as a support system, to aid our lives and to not die. We join a society like me in Ontario, Canada and expect to pay taxes to your country, city and province in order to receive things in return. It is all a support system.

So really, governments, laws and things like this are actually natural survival mechanisms.

Honestly, everything we do, we do just to stay alive. You want a relationship for the support, you watch TV to experience emotion, you eat to nourish yourself, you get a job to gain other things like the food you eat, pay your rent or mortgage, etc. Really, everything we do has a purpose in our life. Even me, sitting on the couch with my laptop writing this helps me survive. Why? I think by writing this maybe even one person out there could be inspired to dwell on what I also dwell on. I don't know. I write this to hold a mirror to society, in a sense. That is my job here. How does it help me live? It is almost a release for me, as well. It helps me release my thoughts rather than torturing myself by keeping them within.

Can you think of anything we do that DOESN'T help us stay alive, improve our quality of life or do as a defence mechanism? I sure can't.

Perspective Post #2

Here is my second perspective post. This is on my relationship with my boyfriend.

Since we have seen each other basically everyday since Christmas and have been living together for 2 months now, me going back to visit my mom, friends and school was the first time I have been away from him, even though it was only for about 3 days. This seems sad.

Here is how I felt:

When I first left I cried a little bit. I had one crying bout in the car after I was about 40 mins away from where I live, and another one while out for a walk at 11pm once I got to my mom's.

To describe how I felt: I felt like I was going through boyfriend withdrawal. As simple as that. I felt like I was going through a physical withdrawal, my stomach was upset, I was sad. I talked to him on the phone twice that night, for about 5 minutes each time. After the last time we talked I suddenly felt better. We didn't even say anything overly interesting. I specifically remember stating "There are so many worms outside right now. At least like three per sidewalk block".

I don't know.

Anyways, I quickly saw how I fell back into my life that was there. I felt normal being there, not that I don't feel normal here, I just felt like it was a year ago.

Despite me missing my boyfriend, I was happy with my time there. I did realize that I was being a bit clingy lately. I realized this before I left. I was having issues with time between us, even though we were seeing each other quite a bit.

I was also starting to get naggy.

Stepping away from him for a few days allowed me to not only realize this but dwell on it for a while.

I have made up my mind about some things with my relationship I will not post here but I will say that I am very happy in my relationship.

Getting a few days apart here and there is a good thing. I did realize I don't think I would ever be able to do long distance though, even with skype and text. Maybe a month apart wouldn't be terrible, but a semester or a year would hurt. I don't see myself doing this at all. Even though I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, and I would do anything for him, a huge part of our relationship is being physically together and removing that from the equation makes me unhappy.

One of the main reasons I love him so much is because he makes me happy and if we are apart for too long and I am unhappy, that is just counterproductive.

But we have no reason to do long-distance so I shouldn't dwell on it any longer.

I am just happy to have him in my life and plan to have him in my life as long as I possibly can.

I love you, Nick.

Perspective Post #1

I said I would post 2 posts by Wednesday about my so called "journey" in Belleville. It's boring, but at least it is something to do. I just got back about an hour ago, I'm just waiting for my boyfriend to get home from work. Despite me saying they will be posted BY Wednesday, I will post this post on Wednesday and pre-write the second one to be posted tomorrow.

Anyways, my two posts are going to be about gaining perspective. By this I mean looking at my life and myself in different ways. The first post will be about reviewing my past and interpreting present events (sort of). The second post will be focusing more on my relationship with my boyfriend and what perspective I gained from being away from him for a few days (it doesn't sound like a lot but we've seen each other everyday since Christmas so it was our first break in a while).

I have been complaining I have been bored lately. But I have solved that problem on this trip. Again, sort of.

My biggest problem is that I do not have a full-time job while my boyfriend does. I talked to a bunch of people from my high school (teachers and friends) and my mom and feel a lot better about my situation. I was talking to one of my teachers and she just was like "Wow, you sound all set!" despite me not having a full-time job.

I have a car, a great relationship, a part-time job, I know where I want to go education wise (For the most part). I'm set. How am I so dumb to not see this?

Sure, I have a lot of time on my hands but I should really just take advantage of this and finally start a BOOK! Use my time to actually do some learning on some subjects I want to learn about outside of school.

If I don't find a full-time job by the summer-school semester I will pick up a course or two using money from my education fund (this never occurred to me because I didn't want to touch my education fund this year).

Anyways. From high school to now I feel...: personality wise: I feel the same, except more confident. Body wise: I have gained a couple of pounds and lost a bit of endurance but I am working on that. But I do feel different. More mature, more loved (by my boyfriend), more of an alcoholic (not an actual alcoholic)... I don't know. I've just grown up. As one of my old teachers said, "Wow! You look great! You've matured so much!"

This reflection really seems all over the place. I don't know. My teachers asked me if I enjoyed school, it was quite hard saying that I didn't.

I also noticed myself saying "Oh well" to a LOT of people. Is that my thing now? Saying "Oh well"?

Oh well.

Bored and Seeking Adventure

Bored and broke: The Student's guide to summer.

Yeah, really? Really life? I have all of this time on my hands and no extra spending money. I don't go back to school until September. I would take summer courses but, they cost $750 and I don't have that kind of money.

I am looking for a full-time job but this town has nothing. It is a college town. Everyone is looking for work. I had an interview on Monday and I was supposed to hear back yesterday. It sounded extremely promising: here's to hoping the guy is just lazy and hasn't called me back. I called him back today and left a message.

I live with my boyfriend and he is busier than I am. He just got a full-time job and he is working at his parents' over the summer as well. So I am a fucking apartment-girlfriend (not house-wife because this is an apartment and we are not married). 

I am bored. This is boring. I hate this. I love being here, but I need a job. Desperately. I need to fill my time. 

I was talking to a girl from my part-time job which is not giving me any new hours... (ugh), and she was just like "So what are you doing during your time? You sound like you're not doing anything?". After explaining my past day to her, waking up at 10am, watching TV and eating, going to the gym, coming back and watching more TV and eating more food until 5:15 when I worked... that's not what I want. 

I don't want this blog post to be me just complaining about being bored and broke, I am trying to work through it as I type to find a solution.

I have some hobbies, like writing, sewing, reading, and drawing that I could do. I have been doing them. I've been watching a lot of TV and my boyfriend got me playing Okami on his PS3. 

What do I want other than a job? Time. That makes no sense. I am bored, I want less time. But I want a full-time job and then time to take road trips. That would be nice. Realistically, I want more friends in North Bay. All I have is my boyfriend, essentially. I didn't make too many friends in university outside of my roommates and they've all gone home for the summer. My friends from high school are all back home for the summer too.

I am visiting my mom's this weekend until Wednesday, and as much as I am going to miss my boyfriend, I am going to be glad to see my friends and have some variety in my life. I'm craving an adventure. I am going to seek one out once I get there. Meet up with some friends, talk to my mom, visit my old high school. Get some perspective from other people on my life. 

So... it's time to stop being boring and start being adventurous, Sarah.

I will write 2 blog posts by Wednesday focusing on my adventures in the most boring cities on earth: where I live now and Belleville. Fuck. 

What does "living a life" even mean?

LIVE YOUR LIFE!

Be free.

Images tend to pop into my head of beaches, wind, running in fields, drinking water and tea, jumping, smiling and all bright scenery.

I keep striving to live my life, when life really isn't like any of those things. Those things are mostly what "life" looks like in yogurt commercials, or just media in general. Happiness fades to white in the movies.

I keep trying to "live my life" without a clue except those put out by the media. While I've been trying to figure out how to "live my life" life is just happening. I have realized this and then I think, "I need to stop pretending to live my life and ACTUALLY live my life". That is when I begin to think about travel, going for walks, eating healthy and writing. It is a bit more realistic, and that is what I want.

But really I should be focusing on everything in life. I tend to think I am not even living when I am at work. I am just acting in a role, which is true. I am just doing whatever at work to get by.

My point is that these dumb images implanted into our minds about "living" are really corrupting our idea of what "living" looks like.

For example: This yogurt  commercial

Really? It shows a mother and daughter walking on a sidewalk, and the mother decides to jump into a puddle in heels because she has strong bones because of yogurt.

After she jumps into the puddle she runs/walks away with her daughter, "living life".

Okay, jumping into a puddle has nothing to do with life as a whole, but at the end of the commercial as the music gets gleeful and louder, arguably, she seems to have a super happy life, ultimately because of yogurt. What? Okay.

Here is another commercial, by Dove chocolate that demonstrates my point with greater strength.

The commercial begins to talk about stresses women go through in terms of beauty, and tells you "We're only human". Sure, this is a positive message. But the commercial still makes one seem like life is suddenly completely at bliss, for just a moment while eating Dove chocolate.

Have you tried to eat chocolate and feel like that? I have. Sure, you can act like you are enjoying the hell out of that piece of chocolate, but it really does not do much. Dove chocolate is not going to give you bliss and allow you to "live your life".

It is commercials and media like this that confuse everyone's idea of "living a life".

I don't like the phrase "Live your life" or anything like that anymore. It has a weird connotation of jumping and running in fields which never really happens.

Living your life is what you are doing right now. All I really get from the phrase "live your life" denotatively is not to die. So really, by saying "live your life", you are denotatively saying "don't die". Connotations have things like field running.

I always had this image in my mind of living on a farm, with a huge house but no barn animals besides a horse or two. Just having a large field to be able to go into, write in, walk through, dare I say to run through. But now I look at this with realistic eyes and although this could happen, it is not what my life is ultimately leading up to. Also, yogurt will not help this. Earning money with hard work will. My life wouldn't even be bliss if this image became reality because I would still have to have money to either buy a lawnmower or hire a lawn mower to mow the huge lawn. I would still have to pay for the house, upkeep, bills. Even that wouldn't be bliss.

Nothing is bliss, really. I suppose that is arguable. The definition of "bliss" is paradise, perfect happiness, etc. Nothing is really perfect, therefore bliss does not exist. There is no such thing as perfection. The mug I am drinking my coffee out of has no chips or stains on it, but it is still not perfect. I am left handed so I don't look at the design on the front of the mug while drinking. It doesn't keep my coffee warm. Where does perfection start and end? It really doesn't. Perfection is an idea that exists but it cannot be experienced. We could perhaps feel a false perfection for brief periods of time, but it isn't permanent and also is not even a true sense of perfection. True perfection is not there. Find any example and prove it to me, maybe I will change my mind.

All I know is that that perfect "life living" that is depicted in these commercials is not there.

Do you have an image of "life living" different from these commercials? I am interested in what men think, since these commercials tend to be focused on women. Do you feel the same way? Is your "life living" different (like throwing a football to your sons)? I feel like I've seen commercials like that. Getting out of your nice car, throwing a football to your son while your labrador follows you. I don't know, you tell me.

Psychological Disorders Exist and People can Function with Them

It's not uncommon knowledge that people think psychological disorders are too common and are over-diagnosed. I fell victim to hearing people say how fake ADD/ADHD was and how doctors are just pushing pills.

My outlook on psychological disorders is that they do exist. The thing is that so many people have them now that they are more normalized. So many people have these disorders that it is just a common everyday thing. They don't even necessarily needed to be stopped.

Let me tell you about the time I thought that ADD/ADHD was fake.

My mom used to talk about how doctors were just pushing pills and ADD/ADHD was over-diagnosed. My mom would also say that ADHD was a result of poor parenting. Nope. I doubt this to high hell, especially now that I am a psych major.
 
Sure, some people have ADHD a lot stronger than others. Okay. Everybody experiences their disorder differently from someone else who has the same disorder.

When did I realized ADHD was really a thing? When I was peer tutoring in high school I helped this one girl in particular. I became aware of her ADHD when the teacher showed me everyone's IEPs (individualized education plans, given to people with special requirements for learning). I was skeptical, which is a good thing. But I really noticed her ADHD when I worked with her one-on-one. When I was working in a group with her I just figured it was her being bubbly and social with the group and the whole group getting off task. I was alone with her while she was writing a test and she literally just stopped writing and stared off into the distance. She started playing with her belly-button ring and just stopped focusing.

I talked to her more about her ADHD and she basically used it as an excuse to not do work. Nope. Just nope. That was not okay with me. I told her that so many people with ADHD and other learning disorders are highly successful. I taught her how to love school. This isn't my point.

My point was I soon learned that ADHD is real. Even pills don't help too much.

I think that the major thing with all disorders is not curing them but ensuring that people get treatment if they want it or require it but also showing them how people are successful in life with that disability.

I am sure the internet is filled with highly successful individuals that have learning and other psychological disabilities.

So many people do have them. I think it is fine to be skeptical about certain diagnoses. There is a high comorbidity of anxiety and depression as a diagnosis. I think this is something to be skeptical of. But maybe not being skeptical of the disorder being diagnosed at a high rate, but being skeptical of the society in which people are being diagnosed. If so many people are being diagnosed with this, maybe we need to look at the environmental factors to see why. I doubt that it is purely biological for most people.

Anxiety and depression, as an example, can be caused by stress, hormones... basically the entire time people are in middle school until university/college graduation.

Why is this on my mind? I have a friend who has a diagnosis and her "friend" was basically disbelieving her. It was just frustrating her more.

It is also on my mind because I was just diagnosed with dysthymia. Don't worry about me though. Dysthymia is a moderate form of depression that is long-lasting, perhaps life-long. I am not being treated for it at all. Why? Well. The psychiatrist and I traced dysthymia back to grade 10. I have had it for 3 years already and the diagnoses is to have had it for 2+ years. I have lived successfully. Certainly, dysthymia definitely gives me a unique perspective on things. I am negative. I am skeptical. I don't see this as a disadvantage though. Besides my university files being marked with having a "permanent disability", I feel the same I was before the diagnosis. I don't know anything different.

The only thing I hate about dysthymia is that I do have pointless crying bouts about stupid things or even absolutely nothing. I don't even personally hate it too much. I just hate how it affects relationships with people around me. I am more depressed. People call me out on it. I cry sometimes and bring down the people around me. I don't like how it does this to other people. It's also not good to keep it in.

Although I am choosing not to start treatments.

This is besides the point. My point of even sharing that I have a disorder is to show you that I am a functioning individual. I have a job, I go to school, I have a boyfriend and an apartment with him. My life is heading in society's dictated direction. Bleh. I hate that it is though.

Seriously? People are afraid of the "f word" (Feminsm)?

Recently in my academic writing class I am taking relentlessly in university because it is a requirement, my prof has been getting us to read a couple of essays by some feminists. My prof was making the argument that people are afraid to declare themselves as a feminist because of the negative image associated with feminists in the past. For example, being high strung, man-less and/or butch are associated with the declaration of feminism. She argued that because of this and a few other reasons that people are afraid to call themselves a feminist.

If you read my blog, you know I have a few negative words to say about feminism. You may also know I am skeptic.

So after hearing this information from my prof I started re-evaluating how I see feminism. She set up 3 views on feminism, one of which she called the "pop-culture view" which is that it is unnecessary and that these people with this view are constantly bitching about it. Well, I would associate myself with this view. Most definitely I would. But the problem is that I have had analytical thoughts about feminism. I have really thought deep down to what the meaning of feminism is to me, my life, the life of women around me, my society and globally.

 Being completely honest, I know no women born from the 90s on that have been deeply affected by issues feminists deem still present, like unequal rates of pay, various societal pressures (For example, to be girly and a mother), etc. Therefore, I have never ever felt a need to argue with the feminists for equality. Although I do recognize there are individual cases of women who need feminism from my society, and especially globally in societies other than my own. (Perhaps. It is argued that we should leave other cultures alone because they have their own way of living)

At one point my prof made the argument that it makes no sense when people want gender equality but refuse to proclaim they are a feminist because that is what feminists fight for is gender equality. This is true. I agree with this to a point. Except I argue that feminism is there to help bring up women to become equal to men as they were beneath men at one point. Whether or not they still are unequal is irrelevant to my current point. Gender equality is about making men and women equal, feminism is about bringing women up to become equal to men. This is what I say. This is my understanding of the word based on what I have seen. Never have I seen a feminist argue for men's rights unless they also claim to be a MRA (Men's rights activist). Gender equality is a lot... a LOT more than feminism. It is a lot more than bringing women up. It is not about bringing men down. It is a whole society... a systematic problem. Just how everything is run based on gender. Literally everything in our society can be brought back to gender biases.

I have had enough of this train of thought at the moment and I am going to leave it published and unfinished.

According to my prof since I believe in gender equality I have to be a feminist, or I am a feminist without claiming so. But that is her opinion and mine is not as such.

So why I am I so called "Afraid" of the "F word" being "Feminism"? It's not a fear. I don't associate feminism with anything negative. I do associate it with pointlessness just because I feel that the term should be abandoned. "Femme" is a term for a type of lesbian in modern terms but arguably, when the term "feminism" was created it was based off of the latin "femme" meaning woman. So why would we use a word that directly translates to "women practice/idea/philosophy" to represent gender equality? It is a sexist word. It really is. I love what feminists have done in history but seriously? Pick a better word.

So it is not that I fear the "F word"... actually yes it is. I fear that this is another form sexism. When I hear the word feminism I can't help but say "What about the men?". It makes no sense to start "Andronism" which would be the word equivalent to feminism but for men. Although when googled, there are results and men fighting for rights. Just stick with fucking "gender equality". There is no need for sticking "andro" and "femme" in there. No fucking goddam need.

New Years Resolutions Update

Just before the New Year began I created a list of 4 New Years resolutions that I wanted to accomplish throughout the entire year after I had explained how pointless and useless New Years Resolutions are for the unmotivated (click here for that post).

1) My first  goal was to run my marathon in under 4hrs 30 mins. I didn't do this... well I won't do this. The marathon I signed up for in May I am unable to run. My training went to HELL because I caught mono. Hear more about that here (this is a link to a school blog I wrote 2 posts for, the post is on my experience with mono, mostly). But I also can no longer afford the hotel for the run. It is basically my months rent, which is not a wise decision to blow. 


2) My 2nd goal is to achieve an average over 70% in university. So far I think that I am accomplishing this. My first year is almost over. I have 70s in all of my courses except 1 I have a grade in the 60s and 1 I have in the 80s. I think I will accomplish this.

3) My third goal is to get a job before the summer. I have 2 jobs... well really one. I am working at a store at the mall (I start tomorrow and I am quite excited!). 

4) My final goal is to  manage my money and not overspend and create a budget and I will stay in my budget. I got lost for quite a while in this but the past 3 weeks have gotten a lot better with staying in my budget--- especially now that I am living with my boyfriend in an apartment and I have monthly rent to cover. 

So my goals are going fairly successfully. I am creating a 5th goal now.

5) I will run a marathon this year. Since I can't run the one in May I might save up and run one in October or something. I will have the summer to train and I will stick to my guns!

Why I don't really want to have kids

My mind is not 100% made up, come on, I am 18... but I don't want to have kids.

Kids have never been a huge part of my life, I don't desire to raise them. This isn't my main reason I don't want to have kids though.

I really just want to focus on my career, once I am older. I want to really do something in my career. This isn't my main reason I don't want to have kids though.

If I have a partner later in life, I want to be able to focus my love and energy on them and not my kids. This isn't my main reason I don't want to have kids though.

I don't want to wreck my body. This isn't my main reason I don't want to have kids though.

The main reason I do not want to have kids is because I am selfish. I am very, very selfish. I live for myself. I want to be able to be free from the restrictions of having kids. I don't think I could be able to put another person that far before myself. In a relationship, quite often you have to put your partner before yourself, not all of the time, but there is the odd moment, but the thing is that your partner is self-sufficient. If you just decide you want to go to the store by yourself to get ice cream, you can't abandon your 2 month old or 5 year old. 

Your life is tied down in ways you don't want to. 

I really REALLY just wasn't supposed to be born with a uterus. I hate my uterus more and more everyday. I really do. I am not going to get a hysterectomy, especially since I am only 18 and I may change my mind and decide to have kids someday, but I really just hate that I have a uterus. Not that I want to be a guy. I just want to be a person that doesn't have to get pregnant. 

There are only 3 reasons I can see myself having children:

1) I get pregnant and find out when it is too late to have an abortion (I don't want to put up a kid for adoption)

2) I am bored later in life and feel like something is missing and I decide to have kids

3) I am single. This way I can focus all of my energy onto my kid(s). If I have a kid I don't want to have a partner because I don't want to put something ahead of myself, let alone my partner. 

I am not a feminist in the slightest. I just hate my uterus. I am not meant to have kids and I think that people should think I am brave for this. I know I wouldn't be the best mother, not that I would be a crappy one if I were to get pregnant, but I don't desire to be a mother. It's just like having a job you need the money for but don't want to work. That is the type of effort I would put into parenting. I would do the job of parenting but hate it because I wish I didn't have it, but I would appreciate the kid/job because I have it. 

This is early to be thinking about, but if you read my blog you know I like to plan ahead far into the future. 

At this point I don't see myself having kids until I am 102.

So, I don't have a learning disability.

Last year I noticed something different a few months after I started my first year of university. I was having trouble concentrating on material, in lectures and while studying and writing assignments. I was pretty sure I had ADD. Most others around me also thought I had ADD when I described my symptoms to them. Thus, the journey began.

I approached my family doctor about my concerns and she referred me to my school to be tested for learning disabilities because she wouldn't prescribe me anything without a diagnosis. So I went to my school. They did some preliminary testing and told me that I am above average in my intellectual ability but I might be on the borderline of ADD. This was all found out around November, 3 months after I started university.

Today I finally had my appointment with the testing centre. My results? I don't have ADD. I don't have any learning disabilities. Again: I am above average in my intellectual ability.

I literally stumped the psychologist. My grades have dropped 20% since high school. Something is different, something has had to have changed.

Inevitably, grades do drop in university from high school but things just feel harder here. Or easier. I am bored. The material I am learning is not what I want to be learning. I find it boring. I love my majors (psychology and philosophy) but my profs are not doing it justice.

I explained all of this to the psychologist and he has decided to try to piece things together. Essentially, he thinks my inability to focus on my work has to do with my motivation, despite me having very high goals in my future. I have amazing goals it is just the tasks I have to accomplish to get to my goal (school) is not my cup of tea. I am stressed all of the time. I am bored. I am unengaged. I do not care about what I am learning. Even if I transferred schools it would still be the same format of learning.

So what do I do? The psychologist I saw informed me he was going to dwell on me a little longer and then contact the learning strategist I have been working with at my school and the three of us will work together. 

I wish I had a learning disability. I wish my problems could be solved with strategies or medication. But my problems are bigger than this because they cannot be fixed. My problems are my choices to face because of the goals I want to accomplish. 

This is the biggest rut of my life. I am sad. I am depressed. School depresses me. But I want to attain my BA in Psych and BA in Philosophy and then my Bachelor of Education, perhaps my masters in Education. Why? Well, I want to teach high school. I was fed up with the high school educational system and I wanted to help fix it from within but also teach high school as well to fulfill my passion for educating and being a leader. I am now leaning towards wanting to work in university education just because of how much it takes out of me. 

The system does not work for me. It does not work for most people. Human purpose is to live. A part of living is sleeping. University students do not get enough sleep. People should be able to live the life they choose but instead we pick the unhappy route so we can conform to society. This has been troubling me for a couple of years now and I still am conforming to all of this bullshit and it is maddening me. It is depressing me. It is pushing me deeper and deeper down into my own despair.

I shouldn't care this much about the university and education system in general but I am the type of person that likes to take charge and fix things and that is what I have been inspired to do. 

But for now, I am going to keep conforming to depression. Also, I can't do anything without a degree because of credentialism. I also cannot do anything because ageism (I am 18). 

Although, I did just get a good job (FINALLY). Readers may remember getting a job was one of my goals for this year. I am a Blog Editor and Marketing coordinator, it is an executive position with my university. I don't know too much about it because I was just hired and I have not started yet, but I find out tomorrow. I am looking forward to it. I am fairly lucky, job wise, compared to other people my age. I am not working a part-time shitty stressed job with some fast food or chain store. Someday I will probably have to again, before I have my degree, but for now, I look forward to having a job that I can actually do something effectively in. I am not putting down workers of chain stores or fast food stores, I am just judging the work of those places to have higher stress than my job and I am just thankful that I will (hopefully) not have to deal with it.

So at least that is good.

But I don't have a learning disability. I probably just have the psychological disorder called "conformity".