A very long post about being self-conscious and then a personal blog post

I am so happy.

I am going to blog about body issues and self esteem issues now.

First of all. You may ask "Well Sarah, how are you qualified to tell me about this crap!"

Well. I am very knowledgable on the topic. I have listened to so many podcasts, experienced so many things personally, people around me, and stereotypically, I am a girl, okay?

Now, I want to express how angered I get with topics like these. Not angered, but pissed. Its hard to explain. I just have all of this knowledge, and I know how to fix people's problems, but I can't. You cannot fix others people's problems. Only THEY can fix their own problems. So this post, hopefully may inspire you to do so. Maybe you don't have problems, I am just saying 1) Only you can change it and 2) They are not problems.

Let's get hot and heavy:

You are unique. LOL JK IM NOT GETTING ON THIS PATH.

Your body is something you have once in your life. Everybody's is different. You probably know this. But do me a favour, think about somethings you hate about your body. Okay. Well I have some news for you:

You can't change them. Ever. Well, that is a half lie. Because some, and most things you can fix with procedures, dieting, etc, which I am not saying "Don't get botox!" but I am saying, that it is your choice.

Things like botox, boob jobs, starving yourself, they are things you to do fix your insecurities.

And that is exactly it. All of those things I had you think about are insecurities.

You could be insecure by a few of these reasons, maybe one, or all of them:
1) You have looked in a mirror and disliked something about yourself, most likely from comparison
2) You have compared your body to another, or your personality, "smartness" etc, and you feel you don't add up
3) Somebody has pointed out your flaw to you, and now you are just driving yourself crazy over it
4) another thing. If you can think of one. Anything.

Basically, anything you feel bad about, you are insecure about. Basically, whether or not you do get rid of or fix that part of you (somehow) you will still have not gotten over your insecurity, which is the psychological aspect of something physical, etc.

Let's say, you feel bad about your thighs. You hate them. You think they are fat. They have cellulite. They have a weird tan line, and they jiggle when you walk. So you hate them. You cover them. You don't want people to see them. You think you even heard someone call you "thunder thighs" once.

Maybe you choose to stop eating, eat less, workout more, always wear pants, never wear shorts.

Or maybe you chose to embrace it.

What did you choose? I am not saying one of those choices is worse then the other but heres what I am thinking:
1) You chose one of these to options
2) You either like or dislike that option

Socially speaking, many people would choose one, and then preferably want to embrace it (whether they do or not), but so many people turn down the first path, which I personally think its wrong, but that is for you to find out later, if you go that route.

So now you are like, well how do I get over my insecurities? And this is when I reflect back to where I told you, only YOU can know this. Now I ask you this question:

How will you get over your insecurity?

That is up to you to decide. But I just want you to know, that I personally want you to lose all insecurities about yourself.

I know I have lots of insecurities. I try to embrace them, and yes, it is VERY HARD. But if you can somehow figure out how to reverse them, then you have made it.

Also, I want you to gain some self respect.

Has someone ever given you a compliment, and then you respond with "I guess so.. but my hair looks bad today" or "No, I hate it."

Why do you say this? I ask you, as society, Why is it wrong to love yourself? Somehow this precedent has come up in society that you cannot accept a compliment--- you cannot love yourself. No, of course not, its wrong.

This is something I discovered a long time ago. I feel like a rude bitch when I just say "Thank you", I need to just insult myself, because it is wrong to like yourself, right? Wrong.

Liking yourself is an amazing solution to your insecurities. The next time somebody gives you a compliment, don't insult yourself, say "thank you". If you feel rude or something, compliment them back. AND IF THEY SAY "Oh, I don't like it". Tell them "Stop. You are beautiful" Do this no matter how awkward it is, because the worst think that can happen is awkwardness. The best is that you can make their day.

I have accepted loving myself. It is really hard. But there is a difference from thinking "Oh, I like myself." and "I am amazing". Tell it to yourself, then tell it to the world. Get over your insecurity and the embarrassment of loving yourself.

Loving yourself when no one else does is one of the hardest things to do. But honestly--- even if you think nobody loves you, I do. I love all people. Honestly. I care about you--- if you are a stranger or not.

I DARE YOU to watch this 20 MINUTE LONG VIDEO.

If you refuse this dare, I still am forcing you to watch 13:42- 14:07 it basically sums up part of what I said

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVmVtjUCiYc&feature=g-u&context=G248cd37FUAAAAAAALAA

But seriously-- you are the solution to your own problem. You can read as many blogs and watch as many videos like this, but you are not going to love yourself and get over your insecurities until you do it YOURSELF.

__________

The two things that inspired me to just write up all of this was
1) The video I posted
2) Today I was in the girls bathroom and there were some HJC girls in the bathroom and one said something to the other like "You have thunder thighs" but you could tell, they were in the same friend group, and they were being friendly. I was completely horrified by this. The girl that was called thunder thighs didn't really respond, she didn't cry, she kinda laughed, but you could see how sunken she was by this. I regret how I acted: I did nothing. I was too scared to be like "What did you just say to her?". Maybe I could've started a fight, or embarassed myself, but that is NOT okay. Absolutely not. I wanted to punch that girl out.

The girl she called "Thunder thighs" wasn't even fat. AND IT WAS OBVIOUS THEY WERE ON A SPORTS TEAM OR SOMETHING TOGETHER. They were wearing jerseys and spandex. Obviously she is active. Don't encourage someone to be insecure. If she is HEALTHY AND FEELS STRONG then who are you to say that not being a twig is wrong?

Seriously. This just makes me want to punch things, because I know I can't do much about it.

___________________________________________

Personal Blog Part:

I feel amazing. Amazing. AMAZING. My life is actually at a really big high point right now--- and I am not afraid to show it.

I got a job.
I am doing AMAZING at the gym. I fucking love it. It makes me feel so strong and healthy.

People may not understand--- but being healthy feels amazing. Everything will change. Maybe not instantly, but honestly, eating healthy and exersizing feels AMAZING.

I have heard people say this and I am like "Well I do eat healthy and exersize". No. NOW I do. Now I feel unstoppable. When you excersize healthily, I actually found many of my day-to-day cravings for sugar and greasy foods went WAY down. I mean, I still get them, but not as often.

Also, I am not as tired as I have been.

ALSO, my grades are actually so much better then usual.

There are only 2 aspects in my life that are suffering. I am still trying to figure it out in my brain though.

Life Advice: Don't stress yourself out about it.

Quick Goal Update + A little more?

Things I said quote "I am going to do"
1. To get a second job:
I GOT ONE :D

2. Going to do yoga
I am going to go all serious yoga mode again. I need to gain more flexibility.

3. Going to get a car
Well, I got my new job. I am going to make a seperate bank account, and ALL of the money from my new job is going towards the car. But I don't know exactly how much I will be earning/how many hours I will be working... so it might not be enough... but I'll just have to wait and see.

4. Going to study hard.
There isn't much to study for. But what there was, I studied a little more then usual. My assignments I have a different approach on too.. which is a good approach.



New Things I want to try in 2012:
1. Skiing:
I think I am going to have to do this.... December.

2. Waterskiing.
It is not summer and I am in Canada.

3. Get a massage.
Yeah... haven't done this yet. No plans to.

4. Make a rap.
-_-

5. Stand up comedy
No progress.

6. Yoga
(refer to top)

My Official new Years Resolution:
Drink more water- Yes yes yes. I be doing this. (good grammar).
Do more Yoga- Y DO I HAVE SO MANY YOGA GOALS
Maintain my weight- Hahahahahhaha. Well no. I am losing and gaining. Gaining muscle, losing... other crap? fat? Who knows.
Be more spontaneous- Yup. I am actually getting somewhere here.
Get a second job- SUCCESS (I will remove this goal soon)
Do well at drivers ed- I am really good at driving now. Not like REALLY good, but I feel very comfortable driving. Just not paralell parking. And the 401 (the on ramp). But I will practice this at my next lesson hopefully.

I just want to talk a bit about fitness goals again. NOT GOALs. I NO MAKE MORE GOALS. TOO MANY TO FULFILL.

But, yeah. They're goals.

I don't have a specific weight or a size in mind, because thats not what I am actually doing. Its hard to explain. I just want to be healthy. I want to gain a lot more muscle too. I excersize 4x a week for about 2-2.5 hours. Now that I have my new job... it will be less. Once I get the hours figured out, I can figure out my goodlife schedule. But I think I will workout more at home again once I have my new job. I'll have goodlife and home.

PLUS!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG! MARCH BREAK IS COMING UP! I take out my bike again every year at march break (if there is no snow). I am soooo excited to get back on my bike. I actually love it so much. I will just get on my bike and freaking ride all over town. I know I have said it before and tweeted it and stuff.. but I seriously love it so much. I can't wait to hit the trails and the roads again! I should make a goal.. actually I have one. I want to be able to ride for 3 hours straight. I did it once before... but I want it to be like 3 hours in any weather... I mean like wind. Not like lightning.

I wish I could ride in the rain... but it is kind of dangerous. I should invest in a really good bike. Because my moms and mine both suck. Maybe I'll do that... with my LIBRARY money. My new job pays for my car.

But come this summer... it will be amazzinnnggg. I don't think I will be at home that much. Okay. Thats a lie.

But I will honestly probably ride my bike every morning (like I always do in the summer) but I will end up at Goodlife/the mall. I will probably just hang around a bit. And then workout.

I want to explore this summer. I just want to find places I haven't been and go there. I won't be going very far because I want to go by myself, and I don't have my G2 or my own car. So it will be in riding distance. but if I can succeed at that 3 hour thing... I can get pretty far.

The only thing is my mom doesn't like me riding that far out. But she never finds out anyways. I just don't know whether I should tell her or not... I should. For safety. I know she'd prefer that. But she'd be mad at me. Because honestly its not like she can stop me.

If you know me, I don't really let anything stop me. Even if I do let something stop me, since I am quiet I'll usually just slip away from it later, if not right to that person's face, or that situation. etc.

But yeah. I don't know about this summer. I want to go to the beach a lot (I say this every year). Buuttt... I hope it'll be different.

OH MY FUCKSAUCE. IT ONLY TAKES 2 HOURS TO BIKE TO THE SANDBANKS. MY MOM WOULD KILL ME. BUT SERIOUSLY I WANT TO.

Why am I letting this hold me back???? UGGGHHHH.

I am going to be working nights every other Monday, Weds and Thurs. And of course the library is every tuesday. I don't know about Fridays yet. And I will be working every saturday. So I will only have 1 (if not both) Fridays, and 1 mondays, weds and thurs every other week. And all Sundays. And all days. But just not 3-7.

I just want to ride my bike somewhere, get a hotel, and ride back the next day.

I HATE SOCIETY AND HOTEL RULES FOR NOT LETTING ME DO THIS. Its ageist. I don't care how many people around me are like.. Sarah.... its not ageist.. the law is just protecting you. Uh, no. Its not.

I just want to do what I want when I want and how I want. I want to be able to finish high school and university right now, but I can't. I don't even want to do school, but since I want to get a degree in psychology, philosophy, sociology and history... I guess I have to. Oh, by the way, I am doing school for my entire life. I am most likely doing a double major in psychology and philosophy and then with sociology and history I will do them part time after I get my PhD in Psych.

So yeah.

Tell someone they are beautiful

Here I shall tell (part) of a story. I think it is sad.

There was once a girl, she didn't know whether or not she was beautiful. So, she started looking in her fashion magazines, and saw that these women were more beautiful then her. She then started questioning her already small body. Although she never hurt herself, she still did things she shouldn't have to, for stupid reasons.

Although she watches what she eats, and works out, she still doesn't know what to think of her body. She doesn't know if she is beautiful.

Months go by, and she finally determines what she doesn't like about her body. She will pick and point out things she hates. She would try to change them, but usually, they'd just get worse. She'd stress out so much, it started affecting other parts of her life.

Then--- she stopped. She learned how stupid she was. She thought she was beautiful. She complimented what she loved. She tried to ignore what she hated.

But one more thing happened. A complete stranger, told her a few things he likes about the way she looks. She showed herself--- entirely, to this man. He saw all of her. He loved her body. He told her how beautiful she was. She felt so beautiful. She started loving parts of her body she never loved before. All because one person told her she was beautiful. Although she had found herself beautiful before, she has felt beautiful more then ever today.

The sad thing is what she had to do to get this told to her. She showed a few people things she never thought she would. Complete strangers.

The funny thing is that this man who changed her perspective was the biggest pervert and jerk ever, But, he still made her feel beautiful.

This is a true story of a friend of mine. I just wanted to point out how sad it is that we can't find perfect beauty in ourselves, we look to others.

Today I want you to tell someone they are beautiful. Or something about them is beautiful. This is preferred, if you pick something out singularly.
For example:
"Your eyes are gorgeous"

Don't lie--- tell it from the heart, but find someone, and tell them. Anyone. It won't hurt you at all.

Life Advice: DO IT.

FORTUNE READING :D

I had an idea.

I decided that I wanted to listen to some Carly Rae Jepson music, blog and play with some Tarot cards. So I decided to do all 3 at the same time. I am going to blog about what the tarot cards read, just because I think its interesting.

Just to state at the very beginning: I play with tarot cards for FUN. I do believe in SOME psychic things, but I also believe that futures can change if you want them to, and what is predicted may only come true if some things can happen. But these cards don't really even predict the future. I just like to play with them.

So the set I am using is "The Intuitive Tarot". I am going to pick 7 cards and place them in "The Tree". Which basically, its one card at the top which represents "Yourself and the situation" then 2 cards below that represent "How you deal with the situation" then 3 cards below that that represent the "Outcome" and one card below that represents the "Integral Quality".

1. Yourself and the Situation
Card Drawn: Two of Discs
Shortened Definition: Certainties and uncertainties. Stress, pressure, choices. Working with body energies. Deciding whether to take an uncertain path. Embracing the unknown. A compelling, mesmeric urge in life that is in danger of becoming slightly addictive.

2. How I deal with it
1st Card Drawn: Two of Swords, upside down
Shortened Definition: Stasis, opposition, trouble-making, conflict, antagonism, antipathy. Deliberate mischief-making.
2nd Card Drawn: Nine of Swords, Upside down
Shortened Definition: Acceptance in the face of pain, loss and despair; self-knowledge growing out of hardship. Self-imposed isolation gradually easing, a return to the world.

3. Outcome.
1st Card Drawn: The Devil (oh shit)
Shortened Definition: Skewed attitudes and perceptions. Expendiency, lack of integrity. Justification and denial. Major shadow issues - perversion, greed, envy, deceit - that need to be owned, not denied. Old entrenched patterns, especially those involving anger, fear or sexuality. Enslavement to material things.
2nd Card: Queen of Cups, upside down
Shortened definition: The devouring lover (or mother/father) who leaves their partner or children no room to manoeuvre or separate. Someone who will destroy what they can't have. Lust. Inability to relate to the body. Clutching, grabbing characteristics.
3rd Card: Upside down King of Rods
Shortened Definition: The dark side of a wolf's nature, manipulative, calculating, dangerously charismatic, using his gifts to ensnare or confuse. Cares only for getting his own way. Contempt for others, loss of soul for himself.

4. Integral Quality
Card drawn: Upside down Seven of Cups
Shortened Definition: Fantasies that are never put to the test of reality. Grandiose schemes with no practical application of energy to manifest them. Choices offered, but the least challenging road is taken.

Okay, so when I look at the cards, I like to try to put together a story. At first when I was reading the definitions, nothing really came together. But when I draw the cards, I try to think and focus on one thing, to see the future in that thing. The thing I thought of is not something I want to share in my blog. But I will take the qualities from each definition to sort of form a story or my "Fortune".

I don't know whether or not I should do something. I want to do something that I don't know, that is mesmerizing. I will face pain and suffering, and get confused and may hurt others in the process, but I will learn from this experience. I will go into denial over the situation. Once I accept the fact that its not going to happen, I begin to envy all of those who have what I want, and may even hurt them because I want it so bad. I will be very jealous and will always want to get my way. But overall, the whole thing is a huge fantasy, which will not happen for now. Although I do have opportunities, I put my future in perspective, and take the less challenging path.

So thats basically my fortune! It makes a bit of sense... well probably not to you, because you don't know what I am thinking of! But honestly, I am kind of peeved at it, because I still really want that "thing" that my fortune talks about, and it says I won't get it. But I especially agree with the fact that I take the less challenging path, because that is what I have already basically chosen what to do. Even though I really want that fantasy.

By the way, this has nothing to do with sex or guys. I just realized thats what it sounds like. But its not.

I hope you found this interesting :)

Life Advice: Trust everyone, and never trust anyone.

FLIES IN MY FAEAEECEEEE

Okay.

Hey.

My name is Sarah.

I have many ways to describe myself.

I feel the need to just throw my entire self into this blog post and I have no idea why.

Okay. I just looked for "journal ideas" I found one I like:

Who do you live for?

I mainly live for myself and my future. I tend to be the main motivator in my life. But other then myself I live for the following people (some are generalized)
My Mom
Friends: Sarah, Lauren, Lucas, Gytha, Kasi, Ami, Joe, Charlie, Kayla, Mallory, Valerie, Nick, other lyndhurst kids
Family: Marija, My Grandma, My other cousins
Other: A few teachers, a few co-workers, a bunch of other random people from school

What if your life had been harder or easier? How do you think you'd be different?

If my life was harder... well it depends what point in time it was. If it was maybe... grade 8/9 if it was a LOT harder, I may have turned to attempts of suicide. But the hardest parts of my life were more like grades 5-7, but here I had no suicidal thoughts--- I didn't even know what suicide was.
If my life was easier, I wouldn't have learned all of the things I have. I wouldn't be who I am today, thats for sure.

Tell about a characteristic in others you admire?

Spontaneity. I don't have it. I want it. I have no idea how to get it. Googling doesn't help.

What is your bucket list?

Since I think I have a REALLY LONG bucket list, I will just write down 10 things, they may not be the top 10, but they are the first 10 I will think of.
1. Sex.
2. Travel ALL OVER Europe, England, scotland, italy, spain, france, etc..
3. Meet Tina Fey
4. Hiking
5. Design an amazing piece of clothing
6. Professionally record and edit a song on my own.
7. Perform on a stage, one last time, whether it is singing, dancing, comedy, a speech, anything!
8. Travel ALL OVER the US
9. Travel ALL OVER Canada
10. Change someones life

I wish trees could….. because….

I wish trees could talk because that would mean that all of my countless minutes telling "Sid" my secrets would mean more. Yes, I used to be such a loner as a kid I talked to the "big tree" which I secretly named "Sid". I miss him a lot actually. I think they cut him down too :(

Tell about how your parents influenced your spiritual beliefs.

My mom is really into psychic things and things about past life, which did make me think a lot about it. I am not "in deep" as she is, but I do believe in some things. I believe in past and future lives, I think that you have multiple lives. I believe in "old souls" and I know I have one. I believe in spirits and guardian angels. I believe in ghosts. I believe in reincarnation (thats the word, right?).

What would you do if you met yourself without knowing it was you?

This is hard for me to wrap my mind around. If I met myself... without knowing it was me. I would probably think I was a huge snob. I'd probably know it was me in the first place.


What would you like to be reincarnated as? What do you think you WOULD be reincarnated as, if karma had its way with you?

A bird, or a human. If karma had its way with me.. probably some form of bug.


Life Advice: Don't take the number.

I have changed + A story from my past

Wow. My life is honestly so different.

It took... basically 3 whole months of hard work. The work is not over, but still.

If you don't know, I have been working on me, specifically my confidence for... a LONG time. I can't say from how long. But I know my first chance to really change that was peer tutoring in Grade 10.

But I also wanted to change things like my body and my general mental state.

Then a few other things happened in September and October. I just basically decided my life needs a "clean sweep".

I just needed to take out every bad influence, and put in only good into my body.

I just realized today how much I have changed. I mean, I know I am always changing, but it just hit me that in my life, now things are a lot different.

Here is what I think/know is different:

1) The amount I talk. In class. Semester 2 started. I just started talking from literally no where. I have no idea where the fuck it came from. It just happened. It may have been something one of my teachers told me... I should tell that teacher that that helped me. Hmm... maybe if I am talking to her. But one of my teachers told me I have "good ideas" and that I should voice them. I don't think that is what actually changed things. But now I just talk. I think I just don't care about what people think of my opinion. I mean, I say it to my friends and online everywhere, so why not say it to my teachers and classmates?

2) My body. Not so much my ACTUAL body, but the way I see my body myself. First of all, I do want to say I never say things like "I am fat". I don't remember if I ever have, but I know I don't now. In the past while I have sort of come to the terms that I am a pant size 5-8, and a bra size A. Its not really changing any time soon. I am not done puberty, so I could suddenly be a C bra and a 12 pant size. But you never know. I have just come to terms that I am REALLY pale and I have small boobs, a big ass (compared to my boobs) and I know what I like, I know what others don't like. Well... fuck others.
I still wear a bunch of makeup. Obviously. But I am getting better at not caring. At the gym, I workout with nothing on. I actually have like 4 of the worst pimples EVER right now too. But honestly, who cares? It pisses ME off when girls come in with a full face of makeup to the gym. I am just like... seriously? Biiiitchh...

3) How independent I am. I simply don't need to be around people all of the time to get done what I want to. I honestly cannot count the amount of times I go to the mall by myself. I go for walks all of the time by myself. I remember in like... grade 9 being with my friends, and we all had a question for a teacher, and we'd all stand there being like "whos asking...". Now I don't freaking need other people. Obviously, emotionally I do need people around me. But I don't need people for no reason, ie, needing them/using them. I have established myself as an individualist. And a big of an egoist. Maybe an ethical egoist. But I put myself first... in almost literally theoretical situation you give me. This may sound bad to some people, but I know some people who put EVERYONE before themself. Yeah, they are sad, depressed, having other life issues I am not saying. Guess what? I am fucking happy. So if I am happy, why should I fucking care otherwise? If everybody just cared for themself, we'd have less issues in the world.


I just think that its so amazing. A lot of people make huge goals to lose weight, or get a good average in school, which I sort of do, but I guess this was my biggest goal. Just to cleanse my life and make myself happier.

Overall, I achieved this by always keeping it on my mind and by not caring what others think. Just taking baby steps to put myself out there.

This is somewhat unrelated, but I just wanted to bring up something I just thought of.

Food. I know I have talked about it in older blog posts from my old blog. Talking about counting calories, watching what you eat, eating healthy, etc.
I remember talking to some people that were in my life about this.. less then a year ago, and I was like "I no longer count calories". They didn't believe me. Well, this is one of the reasons why these people are not in my life, because not only did they not believe me, they didn't believe in me.

I really don't. I don't. I just know what I am eating. I can't say that when I am grocery shopping, I don't look at the label.. of course I do! I buy things that are good.. generally (right now I am binging a lot on licourice) but honestly, I don't count calories. I still have the knowledge. Like I can easily estimate how many calories are in something, because I have so much knowledge on calories still. Like I can tell you that the average sandwich is probably anywhere between 200-700 calories depending on what is in it, what type of bread is used, sauce, meat, etc. I can tell you approximately how many calories are in the pasta you are eating, the salad you ordered or your lunch. Although I know how many calories I am eating, I am not actually counting all I eat. Like if I really wanted to, I could sit here for about 4 minutes trying to remember what I ate today, and I could tell you within 300 calories, how many calories I had today.

I am not saying don't count calories, just do it safely.

Another thing I can say is that I have never been anorexic or bulimic. At least diagnosed.. although anoerexia can be simply limiting your food intake... that story is later. Have I ever tried to make myself throw up? Yes. Have I ever succeeded? No. Why? My mind physically prevents my body from being able to+ I am scared.

Now. Anorexia. I know a lot of people in my life thought I was anorexic. I am not. I don't know what to tell you. I never have gone a day without eating nothing. There was once I was mad at someone so I threatened not to eat and then I couldn't eat until 2pm since waking up, but that was just me trying to get revenge stupidly.

I have limited my intake of food, and sometimes I will barely eat a lunch, but I do go home and eat a lot, (which I know is extremely bad for me).

There was only once you should've been worried about me, when NOBODY actually expected it or saw it. In GRADE 8. People starter worrying about me in maybe grade 9. Yeah, you should've watched me around grade 8 grad. THEN I may have been anorexic, although I was never diagnosed. I know I have told the story a bunch, but I don't remember how much I lied in the past. HERE IS THE REAL TRUTH BITCHES:

Once in grade 8 I stepped on a scale and saw "112lbs". I freaked out. I rarely weighed myself at that age, and I was used to seeing "102" on the scale. I had gained like 10 pounds out of no where. I basically freaked out, and started INTENSELY counting calories. I remember once looking in the food closet thing we have and being like... I will eat 100 calories for lunch today. I don't even want to eat that though..

I literally limited my calorie intake to 1200, based on what 1 website told me I needed to have to lose 5 pounds every week within 4 weeks (before grad). But then I found another website that told me 800 calories. YES. There was once.. maybe a week or so in which I ate 800 calories everyday. That is NOTHING if you don't know anything about calories. It is almost the bare minimum. I think you require 1200 a day to live somewhat healthily, and something like 500 a day to live...

I honestly didn't know what was happening then. I was SO THIN.

Now I am happy. That is my point.

Okay.

Well. This is awkward. I'm done blogging this post. Writing? I don't know. Okay. Be smiley :D

Life Advice: Eat.

Amen

If I was a horse I would charge down all of my problems with the face of modesty and the chest of strength
If I was a penguin I would slide around and waddle by, ignoring all of the things around
If I was a dog I would stay by the people that love me and bite the ones that are mean to me
If I was an eagle I would fly away, and attack those who I hate and envy
If I was a squirrel I would run wild and free without a care or a slight thought of what the earth was
If I was a deer I would stand proud for those things I believe in and run in dangerous situations
If I was an alpaca I'd spit upon any bitch that tries to touch me
If I was a goose I'd approach only those who I trust, and swim from those who scare me
If I was a cat I'd stick my nose up and show people how great I am
If I was a lion I would roar as loud as I can to scare away the enemy
If I was an elephant I would stand loud and proud and ignore the people who hate me
If I was a peacock, I wouldn't care who the hell saw my damned feathers, I'd show them off
If I was a snake I'd slither into places I shouldn't be to find out what people really thought of me, then bite of their necks
If I was a bear I would chase my enemies up a tree and scare the shit out of them
If I was a swan I wouldn't be self conscious about my body and I would show my true beauty
If I was a monkey I would throw bananas at any fucking threat near me
If I was a fish I would swim down deeper from my enemies, so they wouldn't find me
If I was a sloth, I would fucking slo-mo slap the bitch out of that chick
If I was a rabbit I would hop into the arms of another who still thought I was cute
If I was an alligator, I'd fucking eat you and get the strength of 2 bitches
If I was a raccoon I'd dig through the garbage and find out your secrets to use them against you
If I was a cow I'd fucking shit on your feet
If I was a lobster I'd snap the fuck out of your fingers
If I was a frog I'd jump on your head and scare the shit out of you
If I was a snail I'd get in my shell and hide
If I was a chicken I'd peck at your eye

But since I'm a human, I'll blog about it.
And probably talk shit about you to whoever whoever I trust and will listen.

Goal Update, School Update, and OTHER RAMBLES.

Goal Update (of things I wanted to complete over the week before back to school)

1. Get a gym membership.
I did it :)

2. Get my hair done.
Okay, I didn't. But I am also still deciding what I want, and my hair is very special to me... that sentence is weird... uhh.. so I am not getting it done yet.

3. Lose the 3.5 pounds I gained...
I don't think I have... I would weigh myself but the scale is in my moms room and I just ate a BUNCH of food... I'll weight myself tomorrow morning.

4. Try something completely new.
Uhh. Well. I. Uh. Walked across the city several times, but I've done that a lot. Idk. AHH...


SCHOOL! I freaking love this semester. I don't think I should do my "What I think of each class" which I have done for pretty much all of my semesters since I've had my blog, but I will later this week. But so far I have been oddly more confident around everyone, and I like all of my teachers and classes so far! It was an AWESOME day.

FUCK YEA.

Sorry. I am just hyper. I was soo hyper right before history. I went for a walk with my one friend and OMG I was going to freaking bounce off of the damned walls. I was so jumpy.

But I am happy because my english teacher and room randomly got switched, so now I have the english teacher I wanted AND it isn't down jock hall. My locker is near all of my classes this year.. which is NICEEEEE!

But today was simply excellent.

I am going to talk about Tina Fey for a bit. Okay, not like legit facts like her, but I just want to explain celebrity crap in GENERAL but mostly specifically tina fey.

Okay, so if you somehow do not know that I am freaking obsessed with Tina Fey, you need to get your fucking head out of whatever ass its in.

I love this freaking woman. Why? She is hilarious. She is beautiful. She is beautiful. She is hilarious. She is REAL. She is not some fake celebrity. Her boobs and ass are REAL. She gained weight after her last child and started filming for 30 Rock 1 MONTH later, ANDDDD IN THAT FIRST EPISODE SHE FLASHED THE CAMERA for one of the jokes, you could obviously tell she has gained more weight, and she was PROUD ENOUGH to do that. Plus, its not like the writers told her to do it, because she is the head writer of her show. Having the confidence to do that is something I admire.

I love everything she does, especially 30 Rock. That type of comedy is just prime for my tastes. So is whitney. Whitney and 30 rock are probably my favourite types of TV comedy. I do like Parks and Rec, the office, modern family, the big bang theory, but whitney and 30 rock are the funniest shows.

Tina fey is simply amazing though. She is SMART. She is not a stupid celebrity. She used to write for SNL, she writes for her show now, SHE FUCKING WROTE MEAN GIRLS... well, mean girls is based on a book and she adapted that book and added in ALL OF YOUR FAVOURITE QUOTES from the movie.

She is smart, hilarious and beautiful. And real. All things that I admire. AND CONFIDENT!

I can't tell you how many times she has flashed her bra or worn something completely inappropriate for her age and ROCKED IT. She is 41, fyi. But to have the confidence to do that, is fucking amazing.

I know I have had other "celebrity obsessions" before, IE: Dylan and Cole Sprouse, Demi Lovato, etc. I have so many. But I'd have to say Dylan, Demi and Tina are my 3 biggest celebrity "obsessions" I have ever had.

I wish I was as funny as Tina Fey. I don't remember when I started liking her. For some reason I want to say may... I think its because when I first started liking her was around her birthday... because I remember thinking around May 18th that it was her birthday. So I have liked her for almost a year. Its just quite recently I just became more obsessed.

In all honesty, the seasons of 30 rock I own are literally within arms reach right now.

I frequently can be quoted saying "I'd go gay for fey." but the truth is, I really wouldn't. Well, no. I wouldn't take my pants off with her. Just put it that way. I am straight. I just have a "girl crush" on her because of her absolute fucking awesomeness.

Plus she is a mother of 2, to add onto her busy schedule! :)


Life Advice: Who cares if you are single? ROCK IT CHICKITA.


Photos of Tina Fey that I really like (Just because she is fucking sexy and hilarious).. well they are most of my favourites. They are just the ones I have on my computer. Only 7... I think.

Pretty much in the middle.

I *mostly* have a girl brain.

Ha.

So I found a BUNCH of psychological tests and such and I found one interesting... it says whether or not your brain is more like a boy or a girl. And I have been thinking about this a LOT lately. And.... I was like... I really don't know. This quiz supposively tells you.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2WiDEj/www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/

Here are my results



I feel like I am somewhat in the middle, but more of a girl, brain wise. Idk. It was a weird test. PLEASE take it. Tell me what you get! post a pic! :)

Life Advice: James Blunt.

LETS MIX BIOLOGY AND RELIGION.

So. I was thinking a lot about "theories of attraction", which we learned about in Family studies (fuck I am going to miss that damned course) and there is one called "Evolutionary Psychology" that basically talks about how Men used to want a women that was healthy and would produce good children, and women would look for men that are good providers for the family, and now men look for attractive women, and women look for smart/ambitious men.

But it is still pretty related, men look for women who look like they are healthy and can carry a baby, and women look for someone "smart" enough to provide for the family, in a sense.

Which goes back to instrumental and expressive roles of men and women IE, man head of the house and woman being submissive to him.

Which I always thought, why? Why were women beneath men? WERE.. still, but whatever.

I came to the final conclusion of, its because men are larger, have more muscle, etc, so their physical power overpowers women.

But still, I ask a billion questions.

I know in the bible, well various bibles, it shows many signs of women being submissive to men, and women having to obey men, so this is another sign that women were MEANT to be below men.

But then biologically, men are just bigger then women.

So what came first? The chicken? or the egg?

I am personally not religious, I think the bible is a load of shit, so I think that it was written a LONG time ago, and is based off of biological influences.

But maybe the man being "stronger" has nothing to do with it, maybe religious folk just believe that men should be better then women. I am not saying they do, I am just referring to different passages I have read from the bible.

Basically, what "I" believe is that men discovered at some point that they could overpower women. I think equality was natural, because women would carry and raise children, and men would have jobs and work, so they would both contribute to the family, but I think somewhere along the way the man decided that HE was the supporter of the house and somehow was more important then the woman.

Just now, we are really close to equality. But I don't think we ever really can reach equality, of race, gender, age... anything. Originally, I think it was natural, but now, since everybody has completely different opinions and you cannot completely sway the entire human population, there will always be some form of inequality.

I think the only thing that could solve this is communism. Because money seems to control so much nowadays. Just imagine, no money or currency, families would just provide and find things and raise their families. I just see it way more ideal.

Humans started turning down the wrong path once private property was established, and then once having more property was determined as "better". I would like to have lived about 50 years before private property was really established and just stop it. But I can't, obviously.

Whenever I bring up communism to people around me, they think I am absolutely insane, because they don't open up their minds. Since everyone around me is raised in a capitalist environment, and they have not really thought much about it, they think I am crazy. Its hard to explain. Since people are used to capitalism, they cannot adjust well to any other ideas... this is mostly ethnocentric.

People don't understand when I agree with things such as polygamy, polyandry, incest, communism, arranged marriages, etc.

People automatically start questioning me like "Well, what if I arranged your marriage?" Me: "I wouldn't like that." Them: "HA!". Well, I don't care if others want arranged marriages, they can go right ahead, its just since I have been around westernized families and marriages that I want that, I am more accustomed to it, but I respect people who have arranged marriages, I UNDERSTAND THEIR VIEWPOINT.

That is all I ask for, understand everybody's viewpoint.

I can go on forever... like usual, but I need to find something else to do with my time now.

WAIT. NO. I want to "personal blog" a bit.

So I got my marks today. I got a 90 in Accounting, which is okay, I was expecting a high 80 low 90. Family studies: I had a 90. It went down to an 88. My culminating activity that is worth 15% of my mark, I got an 84% on. My exam that was worth 15% of my mark I got an 81.5% on. If you average all of that out, it comes to like 86.45 blahblah something. I also get 1-3 bonus marks for this extra-curricular thing I did... which I am assuming I got 3 marks for, and she gave me a freebie of half of a mark, because I ended up with a 90% in the course--- which is what I was aiming for.

Now, in math. I got the worst mark I have ever gotten--- ever, as an average. I am not saying the exact number, but it I didn't fail, and I will say it wasn't in the 50's. It was somewhere between 60-79. Thats all I am saying.

It made me so sad. I told my family studies teacher about this mark and she seemed really surprised, because she probably thought I do well in all of my classes, but I just explained to her that I am bad at math and that its not important for my future anyways. But freaking bless her heart for giving me a 90%. She could have just as easily given me an 87%. But she gave me 3.5% of bonus marks. Thank you! She was an amazing teacher. Not the BEST, but out of all of the teachers I ever had, if I had to tell one of them something secret/private about me, it would definitely be her. She was amazing <3. Maybe I should write her a thank-you? No. Should I? I should.. but I don't want to... BLEH.

I don't know my fashion mark because the teacher was AWOL so I couldn't find her.

I actually did cry a bit about my marks, because my math mark was the lowest ever. But then I am over it now.

I am going to tell you guys what I think about my brain. Like, my intelligence.

Between the grades of Kindergarten-early grade 2, I was considered one of the dumb students.. I was reading over my report cards and they seemed to be negative. My mom said that as a baby I started talking early then the average baby. I was kinda late walking I think though..

But then I was considered a super smart student from grade 2 on.

I am so glad I am not in IB. I actually hate comparing grades. I hate hearing people in the class being like "Well I got this... and I didn't even study" and I am sitting there with 10% less then them and I had studied 3 hours. It just drives me nuts! If I didn't try in any of my courses... my marks would definately be a LOT lower. Yes, I am probably a bit "smarter" then the average student, but do you have any idea how hard I had to fight to get that 90% in family studies? It was actually semi-hard.

Most social sciences I average at about an 87%... which is what I would've gotten without the bonus marks!

But I knew that course was a 4M course, so universities will maybe look at it, plus it is related to the program I want to get into. I was aiming for higher then a 90, but then I got a 76% on something and then I was like.. well I just blew that.

BUT I AM PROUD OF ONE THING: I didn't fail a SINGLE TEST in math this year. I did fail quizzes.. but we can drop those. But in grade 10 I failed 2 tests. I didn't actually fail any tests! My marks were just a bit lower, average wise.

Well. Goodbye.

Life Advice: Don't be afraid to be alone