Oh Hey! I'm alive.

2 essays
1 take home exam
1 final
until I'm done 3rd year university.

I've neglected my blog due to philosophical disability (i.e., writing too many essays for my philosophy major). Also 1 too many dogmatic slumbers. HAHAHA okay no. Seriously.

So whats new?

I have a new tattoo, a new apartment, a new understanding of my personal undisclosed handicaps, and I am broke as fuck (but I suppose that is not totally new).

After this upcoming Friday, I will be done 3rd year and I will begin to focus on new things for the summer. Since this *might* be my last summer without an official full-time adult job, depending on whatever the hell life is going to throw at me, I want to use the extra time I have from being unable to get a job anywhere ever because of the lack of jobs where I live, to write.

I want to keep up with my blog, as per usual. I want to write a novel as well, or at least start to. I have a growing list of ideas for books. I'm not too sure what I'm going to do, but that is what the summer is for. The third thing I want to work on this summer is an academic paper. I want to write something and attempt to get it published into a student academic journal. I'm thinking something related to the Kama Sutras, but I am not 100% on what I am doing there yet, either.

I've actually been doing some thinking on it and have been considering applying to schools for a masters in philosophy once I am done my undergraduate degree. I am almost 100% sure I am applying to the program at Queens University for the fall of 2017, but if I do not get in I am going to redouble my efforts and apply to schools in British Columbia for the following year, or the year after that and move out west with the love of my life. I need warmth and a change of scenery. Canada does not really do it for me, but British Columbia seems just so beautiful, I want to go to there. (30 Rock reference)

If I decide to do a PhD, if I do a masters degree, I'd love to do it in California. But that's way into the future and I've realized I need to stop looking that far ahead with a microscopic perspective upon life. I don't live in the moment, but I also don't want to live just thinking into the future. This is a problem for me, actually. I am always thinking ahead way too far and it gives me anxiety for today. Will I be with the love of my life in 5 years? Will I be dead? Will I be in school? Have a job? I need to stop thinking like this and just put effort into now.

The problem with this type of thinking is that it is totally contradictory to my philosophy in life. I am pretty much a huge nihilist. To quote the T.V. show Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, "The trick is not caring whether you live or die". Kimmy Schmidt is an overbearing optimist, so coming from her, this is kind of an amazing quote. I am a huge pessimist but I am trying to just be a realist instead of just negative. I am not into all of the positivity and meditation that millennials are suddenly super interested in all of a sudden, although there are good lessons in the philosophies. I just know that if I keep acting so negative that I am not even going to be living anymore. I'll just slowly become a part of my bed and never get up again. Which is depressing as fuck, but hey, I warned you how negative I am.

The biggest thing with functioning nihilists is to find meaning in your life, usually for most people this just means doing what makes you happy. Unfortunately, what makes me happy is literally doing nothing, which too much of this makes me unhappy. So I need balance. But the problem with "needing" and "wanting" is that it just disables you from being happy, ever, because then you just enter a never-ending cycle of desiring. Now I am preaching buddhist philosophies, apparently, but I think it to be a true idea. Desire is just... I don't really want to get into this right now. But essentially desire is what makes the world go around.

I'm trying to re-embrace my nihilism and have been putting a lot of energy into thinking about it. Most people meditate on positivity, I just meditate on my nihilism. I always find myself going back over my old philosophies from since I was maybe 16 and analyzing them again and deciding whether I still believe in these philosophies. At one point atheism was my most important philosophy because I meditated on it all of the time. I am still an atheist right now, but I probably could not defend to you as well as I could've 3 years ago exactly why I am because I haven't meditated on it in a while. I could much better defend why I am a nihilist to you because I have been thinking on it more, and recently read some Nietzsche and Schopenhauer too, which helps.

Anyways I still cannot fucking spell Nietzsche on the first fucking try and I am three years into my philosophy degree, so that fucking shows a lot. But I did spell Schopenhauer right on the first try just then. Jesus fucking christ.

Anyways. I suppose that is all. I have no idea where the hell I was going with this post, but I sure did go no where. Haha, like life, am I right?

Eh. Who knows. Who cares.

Peace. Find eternal bliss in pizza. Amen.

Updates + Happy New Year!

It has been quite a while now, hasn't it?

Let's just get into it. What's new with me? Firstly, I have started drinking more responsibly. It's really hard for me. What I mean by responsibly is that I am only drinking when it is socially acceptable to drink. In other words, no more getting drunk at random parts of the day, no more drinking alone, and no more drinking too much that I can't function. It's hard for me because I am so used to just drinking whenever I want. I realized it's not healthy and so I've stopped doing that.

I decided to just become a philosophy major instead of doing my double major with psychology. It is for a number of reasons, but the main reason is that I have pretty much decided I want to get my masters in philosophy. I am not in love with psychology as much as I used to be. I still love it, it's just not enough for me to want to major in it in university any longer. So when I graduate (hopefully in 2017) I will have an honours (again, hopefully) BA in philosophy with a double-minor in english studies and psychology. Perfect.

What else... oh, I have been finding it hard to hit the gym as much as I used to. Again, it's because I am quite busy. Although I've realized that half of the time I say I'm busy I'm really not and I could just change my priorities. Although I have been procrastinating everything in my life lately so now that I am changing my priorities, my priority right now is finishing my 3 essays due in a week, which is what I will be doing after I publish this post. The first essay I am working on will be the hardest, I am breaking down and identifying fallacies in correspondence and/or coherence theories of truth. Yeah, it'll be difficult. I am also writing a paper on the yin yang symbol, essentially talking about how it has been reappropriated, the history of the symbol, what it means, etc. The final essay I am writing is for my criminal justice class I have and it's just talking about psychopathy in criminals and whatnot. That one will be super easy.

I'm so excited to start next semester as my first semester with just philosophy courses. I am taking the second half of my Eastern philosophy, modern philosophy and reason and logical argument classes and also taking a political science class on power that counts as a philosophy course and a topics course in philosophy on security. It should be a more enjoyable semester.

Anyways. I thought I'd leave you with something I wrote down the other day on a sticky note:

"A lack of certainty is the same as strength. To be uncertain and maintain composure is the most noble way of becoming stronger"

Just a bit of a thinker.

Talk soon,

Sarah 

New Tattoos!

INK!

Recently I have gotten a few new tattoos. For those who have forgotten, I have one tattoo, the word "fuck" on my lower left back.

I still don't regret it. I love it so much. 

Anyways, a few days ago I got this tattoo:

It's a series of blue lines wrapped around my right forearm with a red line through it, like a piece of lined paper. I got it because I like to write, I love writing by hand. I love to learn. Plus I thought it would look rad. Even the artist who did it said it is one of the most unique and cool pieces she has done. So boo-yah. 

I got two other tattoos done recently. The first is the name "Pheidippides" in greek whose existence is argued, but the story of him is most known in the battle of marathon. 

He was sent around Greece during the war to deliver news, travelling hundreds of kilometers and eventually dropping dead with a sweeping declaration that they won. I got it because 1) I love ancient history and 2) I ran a marathon and his running is essentially the creation of the marathon. 

The third tattoo I got is my favourite. I think. I don't know. 

It is an eye. Not much to it. Not much meaning. Or at least, not much meaning I'd like to discuss. It is kind of personal to me. But the actual image of the eye has a story. It is from the cover art of Art of Dying's EP "Rise Up". I wanted to get an image of an eye on my pointer finger but I wasn't 100% sure of the image I wanted. I wasn't going to get something super detailed because finger tattoos apparently hurt like a bitch, but I figured fuck it and do it anyways. 

Turns out, out of all of the tattoos I have gotten so far, they don't really hurt that badly. Although I am pretty much a pin cushion apparently. I don't cry. I just kind of lie there and take the pain. There are some points that really hurt. When she was doing the page lines and near the sides of my bone, that hurt. Actually, "Pheidippides" hurt quite a bit, overall it probably hurt the most out of all of the ones I have gotten so far. The eye felt really different. Getting a finger tattoo is kind of how I imagined the pain of all tattoos to feel like. It really only hurt the closer she got to my hand, though. The pain was the same, I just kind of felt it more. That makes no sense. 

Anyways, I plan on getting several more tattoos. But for now, I am good. Mostly just because I can't afford anything right now. I just scraped by on getting those (all together the three cost $200). 

I want to get a half sleeve done next summer. I want a thigh tattoo of a flower. I have some other ideas, I want to get memorial pieces, whether small or big to all of the animals in my life. 

I don't know. Tattoos make people more interesting.

The funny thing is although tattoos are becoming more socially acceptable, I have already started noticing glances from people, especially while I am at work. Oh well. I knew it would happen. 

I just can't wait for them to heal now! I hate feeling like I am tiptoeing around trying to avoid infection. 

Until next time,

Sarah

We are selfish to believe in a humanoid god

Just as a declarative statement: I am an atheist. I recognize the ability for a god to exist, I just doubt that there is a god or gods in existence, nor has there ever been a higher power. Now, let's continue.

I  have many problems with the concept of a god and reasons to proving god's existence, and I am only going to address one of them today. This is the main problem that I have. Maybe it's not the best proof I have, but it is the one thing that bugs me.

My perspective on why people think there is a god is because people over time have figured that having a higher being is a good explanation and with careful thought and practice, people started to believe this.

Whether or not that is true, I think it is extremely selfish of people to assume that god is human-like in appearance, thought and action. Humans were not chosen. We are not a product of some human-like but god-like being. I think that is the most selfish thing we have ever done. Naturally most of us are at least somewhat narcissistic in our thinking. We generally put ourselves or other humans first above the humanity of nature and other animals.

But if we really think that if there is a higher-being, and they are humanoid that is the most selfish thing that we have ever believed.

I can almost more easily attest to believing in some higher being of force or molecules, atoms, something that I can't possible begin to scientifically explain. I am not saying that is my standpoint, I am just saying it as at least more plausible to me than a humanoid figure that just happened to create us and make us better than everything else.

As a culture we are obsessed with hierarchies, and have been for a few hundred years, at least. Which food is best? Which outfit is best? Which singer is best? Which type of animal is best? We have theorized pyramids and systems for the alpha to the zeta making sure everything is just perfectly ranked.

I am getting a little biased here just because I don't believe in the fact that somethings, both living and non-living have better value or worse value. I believe they have a different purpose and value, but not one being better or worse. Obviously a table is better at being a table than a porcupine is, but is one really better than the other? Tables serve a different purpose than a porcupine, but does that make porcupines or tables better than one another? I digress with my table to porcupine scale.

My point is that as a culture we are so obsessed with hierarchies and power that it make complete sense that we invented this "god" figure as human-like. If there is a higher power, they are likely equal to us and not a human. Again, some kind of force.

So then "how was everything created?" you may ask. Well I have no fucking clue but the ideas that I seem to stick to for the most part is something along the following: I don't think that time had a start. I don't think that there was nothing and then something. I think that something has just existed forever. I am not talking about earth or the human race, I think those two things have a starting point. I am just saying that "it" being existence, not of a certain thing, just existence in general is just there and there is no starting. To exist there must always be existence.

That is hard for most people to wrap their heads around, I actually drive myself a little nuts getting into that pattern of thinking sometimes. Now something like earth was probably created by something like a big bang. We know about evolution of humans and obviously at one point, something collided or occurred to make life happen on earth. I have no science background to even begin to explain how this is possible, but based on my knowledge, this is my philosophical assumption.

That's what I love about science. Originally there was no "science" it was just philosophy and speculation. Philosophy was everything at one point. It's just the ideas philosophized about science and biology eventually rightfully gained their own subjects of study. The things that can't be scientifically explained are still speculated about using philosophy and current knowledge. LOVE IT! Love philosophy. I love loving ideas. That's literally what that means Philo (love) sophy (ideas).

Anyways. Anybody else have any other theories? I am not super looking for debate about god's existence or anything, I just want to know anyone's thoughts on my ideas. I am not stating anything as truth in this blog post at all. It's mostly just speculation.

I'll be back another time. In a few weeks or so to write about some other crazy thing.

- Sarah

Anxiety as Skepticism?

I've been fighting with anxiety quite a bit lately. Between panic attacks over social outings, avoiding social situations completely and being misunderstood by others around me, it has been quite tough. 

Anxiety was much easier when I was younger and it was understood to be anti-social tendencies.

Anxiety was much easier when I was even younger and was understood to be shyness.

Anxiety was much easier when I recently understood it to be skepticism. 

Problem. I have been thinking more about anxiety and what it really means and how I really experience it. Obviously it is not experienced the exact same by all, but I realized that anxiety is much like skepticism. I think the line that skepticism crosses over to be anxiety is fear. 

Think about it, people with anxiety and/or skepticism question things, overanalyze things in order to uncover what will happen/what is true, think about all possible outcomes of a situation, and find it hard to just accept things. The difference is this fear or worry that people with anxiety get. People who use skepticism don't necessarily feel this. 

I am a skeptic about most things, only because it is hard to be a skeptic about all things all of the time because to even begin to function in modern society you have to accept some most-certain truths just to get by. But when I experience anxiety, it is usually over unnecessary things to even be worried about. The thing is that I think I've always had anxiety, along with my dysthymia (depression), or at least I have had it for a while now. It's just as a kid they called it shyness, as a teenager they told me I was introverted and anti-social. It's just when I got to just this year, just about to hit my 20s that I finally realized and they finally realized that it was anxiety. 

Anyways. I thought this might be interesting.

You can almost see quite literally my double-major in psychology and philosophy in this blog post. Oh god. Does this mean I am actually learning things in school? I didn't know that was possible. 

I'll be back soon enough,

Sarah.

3rd Year of School and still sad

2 years down, 2 to go.

I really want to try to make an effort to enjoy my education. I realize that the thing about a liberal arts education is that this is the only time I'll probably ever be able to just sit and have meaningful conversations as my full-time job. The reason I am in philosophy is not for my career, it's for the lessons and the actual schooling. I just have this deep lack of motivation to do much of anything of the sorts.

Hey, do any of my old readers remember when I used to describe my mental issues in full detail? I used to complain and reiterate my pains and problems, psychologically speaking. I still have many of the issues I used to describe. For those who don't know, here is the most brief version of my mental history:
My parents split up, I saw a psychologist who made me happy for a while (ages 10-12?) after my mom was concerned for my mental health. My dad died, I stopped seeing the psychologist, high school came and made me sad and I realized my intense anxieties and I kind of just learned to get over them by myself after multiple doctors proved to be of no help to me. After a mental episode in grade 12 I was sent to get psychological testing which was an appointment for 6 months after the episode and the psychologists claimed I was "perfect" and told me "not to pursue philosophy", I am pursuing philosophy. I got into university and was confused why my grades dropped and why I was sad and I went to the doctor and I got learning testing done to make sure I have no learning disabilities and I don't but I learned I am terrible at spacial reasoning and have genius-level writing skills, the psychologist suggested I have dysthymia and possibly bi-polar disorder or PTSD, and suggested to get more testing done which I didn't want to pursue due to the fact that last time I tried to get testing done by a psychologist they did nothing. The end. (I understand those sentences were pieces of shit, that's the point)

Anyways, to summarize my current status of mental problems: I definitely have dysthymia, there is no doubt about it. I was also diagnosed with it by the learning disability psychologist, so that is what I know for sure. It is what I like to describe as permanent part-time depression. I go through phases of depression, some worse than others. They often render me angry, sad, lazy and unable to function in school activities, let alone social activities. I also am likely to have anxiety, which I am currently considering seeking medication for but I also don't want to. I also may have PMDD which I also sought medical help to diagnose but I didn't finish the diagnostic process because I was too lazy. Whoops. PMDD is like PMS except it actually drives me to suicidal tendencies maybe once every year.

Right now I am decently okay. I am not sad, I am pretty happy, but I am not as happy as I could be and that makes me sad. These cycles drive me insane.

So what am I going to do? Probably ride out what I am feeling now until I go crazy and then maybe seek medical attention to go on some pills for depression or anxiety, which I'd hate to do, but I want my education to not go to waste. Counselling has never worked on me because I start using reasoning and logic with the recent college grads of next-to-meaningless College and defeat them in their attempts to aid me. I shouldn't do that, but I do.

Why am I telling the internet this? I'm not too sure. I was tempted to write a book for a while about my inability to receive medical attention for my psychological dysfunctions but I soon realized that it is mostly because I am holding my own self back, not because of any fault in the system. The psychological treatment system is pretty fucked up on it's own, but that is almost inherent and has next to nothing to do with my own specific situation.

My point? I am going to try to not let my dysthymia get ahold of me. The problem is I have lived with it for so long that it has become a bigger part of me than it should've. It's almost like a drug to me. I like the sadness and hate the sadness. I know it impairs me but it is so easy to just fall into the habit that I am being forced into. Though, it is incredibly hard to just say "no" to depression because depression is something that happens to you, it is not something you make happen to yourself. Though you could make yourself depressed, that is not my case.

Anyways. This post is pretty stupid right now. I am not quite to sure as to why I am posting it. I don't want feedback, please no comments.

Talk to you soon, interwebs.

Sarah

Audio Sensory Meridian Response (ASMR) What is it? How to understand it.

When people don't understand something they tend to laugh at it. Let's change this about ASMR.

I have been embarrassed to admit my experiences of asmr and watching of asmr videos because of how low the community has been looked down upon on since it is misunderstood. I first experienced ASMR when I was quite young, from friends tracing images on my back and from page turning sounds at the library. I have been watching ASMR videos on youtube for 5 years now and I am very involved in the community, in the sense that I participate in discussion and all of the psych tests I can find that have to do with discovering exactly what asmr is and why it makes people feel the way it does.

So what is ASMR? What do we know about it? It is the tingles you get when you hear, see, experience, feel, etc., something. Kind of. That is the easiest explanation I have. ASMR is a tingly/relaxing response some people (not everyone can feel it) get from different triggers.

Other people's early-on experiences of asmr tend to be in childhood with the experience of tingles and an ultimate feeling of relaxation from hearing parents or teachers read childhood books, the sounds of cooking, from watching Mr. Rogers, Bob Ross, etc.

Quite often the asmr community is misunderstood because people don't understand the videos on youtube when they stumble upon them (some have over a million views, so it will land into people's sidebars and whatnot). People will see it and respond like "Why is this person whispering at me and stroking a book?", the simple answer is because some people find it relaxing.

Unfortunately, some people also experience the direct opposite of asmr, misophonia, which is an extreme feeling of rage to certain sounds. I have felt this hatred towards sounds of gum chewing, and tapping, which are also sound triggers of asmr. The odd thing is quite often people who experience asmr also experience misophonia, and sometimes even with the same triggers. For example, I can experience asmr tingles from the sounds of gum chewing, but the way some people chew gum it drives me nuts and I feel like yelling at them to stop. It's weird.

The other reason why people misunderstand asmr is because little research has been done in it as to why it occurs, why it helps people with anxiety, autism, and many other disorders and disabled individuals stay calm and relax. ASMR also helps people fall asleep, and just relax.

For those looking for some video examples, here is a few varieties of types of asmr videos, to see maybe what it is, and if you can get triggers yourself. But be calm: some people don't experience tingles AT ALL or right away. Some people feel it right away. Also be warned that asmr doesn't happen all of the time and almost everybody in the community agrees that if they watch too many asmr videos that the sensation weakens and goes away. The only known cure so far is to back away from watching the videos for a while (weeks, months for some) and go back to it later.

First of all, here is a playlist I have on my youtube account. This is not all of my favourite videos, just some of the videos that I go back to over time.

https://youtu.be/nmmempg2My0?list=PLBF07E850827A2605

Here is the first ASMR video I ever discovered. As I said earlier, one of my first "triggers" was the sound of people turning pages. So I decided one day to youtube "page turning sounds" until I discovered the ASMR community. At first, I thought "this is weird... who would listen to sounds of people crinkling chip bags, whispering up close into the camera, tapping different materials, and opening and closing lids?" and then I tried one video. This was the first video I tried:


It is terrible quality, but I still listen to it time to time. Quite often videos are now much more well-produced, like this:


They use 3Dio microphones or just multiple smaller microphones to make it sound more like the sound is around you, inside your ears, etc. And by "They" we like to call the people who make asmr videos asmrtists. Sound artists. Whatever. It's corny but we like it.

There is an asmrtist that I listen to sometimes, Toni Bomboni. He is often criticized because he wears makeup and does role play asmr videos that people often find a little different. He was even featured on Tosh.0. (Which I love Tosh.0, but that is not my point). Tosh is actually probably one of the better and more sensitive outsiders to approach the asmr topic, I find often newscasters are more blunt and rude with their misunderstandings. Anyways, I'll let you experience Toni for yourself.


There are many other asmr videos that have creepy elements to them that some people often find tingle inducing (including myself) like WhispersUnicorn's ASMR kidnapping video, which actually gave me tingles galore the first few times I watched it. Also, Ephemeral Rift makes asmr videos as well that have creepy and/or, abstract methods of inducing asmr.

Here is a "sounds only" variety video:


Here is a "word trigger" video:


The last video I'll share with you is one from GentleWhispering, Maria. Maria is essentially the queen of asmr. She has some of the most subscribers in the community and one of the biggest fan groups. I love her videos.


So if there is a sound out there that you once enjoyed, whether it be storytelling, crinkling, tapping, wiping, ripping, scratching, mouth sounds, walking sounds, word triggers, roleplays such as various doctor roleplays, and 1000s more, there is a video out there on youtube. Just put on your headphones, (it works much better than playing from your speakers, TRUST ME) and search asmr _____ on youtube, and you will find it.

Last but not least, reddit has a huge community of asmr lovers as well. Often people who experience asmr can't experience it from people who are directly trying to trigger you, but from people just doing regular tasks that just so happen to induce asmr. Reddit has a page for that. Here it is.

Anyways, that is all for now. I just thought I would help people understand it. This is a pretty basic 101 that you will need for knowing about asmr. There is a lot more to the community: all of the psych research being done by students and professionals around the world, the debates on facebook and other online groups about asmr and it's relationship to sexual pleasure, or if there is one, and more. It's a very complex idea that needs to be explored. I'd just hate to see more people misunderstand it.