My Life: now in confusing prose.

I've been scraping and nicking my knees along rock bottom, fighting and screaming ensuring I don't get caught. All people are trying not to get caught. Life really does suck.

Refutation of my frustration of my own successes. Successes are social media posts while failures do not exist:  they are enhanced. Enhanced from nothing. Nothing is still something because it exists. This is my life. Success is how I feel 

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with my love. Love. Love. Love. LOVE. Sheets only block us from each other when we move close. Sleeping is easy. Waking up to you is like Christmas-- until realization of the dreaded stress of the day. You are the presents on my Christmas morning and shield me from the stresses of family, being snowed in and cleaning the dishes after the meal. We are voices of reason to each other. You help me from making poor choices

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alcohol. I thought I was exaggerating my addiction. Drinking is as natural as driving on a road. Both activities are thought easy to quit but to Mr. Man quitting driving after 40 years and never taking any other methods of transportation is difficult. Quitting is not a journey. Do not call it a journey. Alcohol is amazing to me when I am drinking it. But any other time is

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WORK. Saturday 9am: By myself at work, shaking, trembling, hiding tears from customers. Withdrawal. 1pm: Coworker. Hide it. Darken. Goodbye. My career will not be

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work. Work is... fuck. Friends are here though. Wasted time for money though. Though it is all worth it 

because

home to you my dear. 

My lover - our first date & until now.

I haven't written in a month?

What the fuck?

Everyday I think "I should write in my blog soon" and then it doesn't happen for a month. Whoops.

Anyways...

I am in love with my boyfriend, Nick. We met in late August, a week or so before school started because him, myself and a friend of his/ours wanted to start a comedy club (which didn't pan out). Nick asked me to hang out and we hung out as friends. Until we made plans to go to Boston Pizza together and both of us later learned that neither of us knew whether or not it was a date. Until the end or halfway through or so. We ate at Boston Pizza and I was super nervous, but I wasn't like shaking or anything, I was just typically nervous. I had never felt nervous around him (other than maybe the first time we met, just a tad). He suggested we see a movie afterwards and saw We're the Millers.

Blah blah blah. Anyways, after the date was over he came back to res and we laid on a floor for a couple of hours playing with a mint and a dime. Yes, that happened. We kind of toyed at each other and flicked a mint across the floor. I would hold the mint or the dime and he would fight to get it out of my hands. He would hold it and I would rest my hand on his and then start trying to get it. Just feeling each others hands for the first time... was unbelievable. We are super weird, if you can't tell.

Anyways, he argues our first kiss happened on that floor. I argue that it didn't happen until the morning after. Whoops. Did I say that? Yeah. By the time our date was over and we were done mint playing it was 3am and I was "too tired and delirious to drive" and Nick didn't have a way home. Even though he said he would figure it out I told him to stay in res. After he started to move towards the living room I told him something like, "No, just come to bed with me. Not like that". Referring to sex, of course. So we passed out next to each other in a twin sized bed which we spent the next 6 months sleeping together in off and on when he came over to see me.

We grew to learn more about each other. Our newbie minor awkward dating stage was over in less than a few weeks.

He told me he loved me on October 25th, three days before my 18th birthday. I said "I think I do". I wasn't sure yet. Later he told me that he was pretty sure it was love but he questioned it. I hadn't really thought about it. November 2nd, on his birthday, I finally told him that I love him, and I did and do.

Eventually I didn't want to spend any nights apart from him. Not that I couldn't be alone, it was just that I didn't want to. We started spending more and more nights together at his parents' or at res and we talked about moving in together. I wanted to stay where school is for the summer because that is where he lives. It is also 5 hours away from all of my friends and family. But I couldn't spend a summer without him.

We decided to move in together in the summer. We ended up moving in together in March because we found an "awesome apartment" (which is now way too small and has too many things wrong with it, we want to move... even though it's not THAT bad).

Now we are just balancing life and work since school is out for the summer.

I love him. We have been together for over 10 months and living together for four of them. Our 1 year is on September 6th.

He is the reason I am alive.

My course selections 2014-2015! (2nd Year Uni)

Subject to change...

I am taking 9 credits of psychology, 12 of philosophy, 6 of english and 3 sociology credits (I am double-majoring in psych& philosophy with an english minor). I am not looking forward to Scientific Method & Analysis, a mandatory class I have to take. The first 3 courses listed I am taking all year. 

I had to choose between Canadian, British or American literature for my english credits for my minor. I chose American lit, in hopes of having some Emerson or Twain. I generally like them the most. Canadian lit is too dry for me, and British lit is too... Dickens for me. No thank-you. Not that I dislike either, I just prefer Am lit.

Origins of Western philosophy is a mandatory credit for philosophy. Although I think I will like it. 

Philosophy of sex and love is a 3rd year credit, but I had to find something to fill up my schedule because for WHATEVER REASON every course I need to take is running on Tuesday from 12:30-3:30 so I had some major scheduling issues. Anyways, I wanted to take this course anyways. There are only 12 students in the course and I am one of them so I am especially happy. I think this will be my 2nd favourite course.

Psych of Industry and Work isn't mandatory but I thought it would be an interesting psych credit. I don't know why. It just appealed to me.

Sociology for Educators II will most likely be my favourite. I haven't taken any sociology courses, yet I love sociology. I didn't have to take part 1 to take part 2, and it fills another gap in my timetable, therefore I am taking it. Plus, I want to be a teacher someday. That is why I think this will be my favourite course.

I am looking forward to 2nd year, this September. 

Bikini season! (being happy with eating unhealthy... sometimes)

I rarely have opportunities to even wear bikinis since I rarely go to the beach. Not because I don't want to, it's just the weather isn't super warm yet, I am busy and I am also lazy in the summer. But that doesn't mean I don't have pressures to feel skinnier.

I'm still trying to figure my body out. I am 18, I'm still young, technically still a teenager even though I feel so much older at times. I still don't know what to think of the way I look.

I went through some rough negative self-image times in early highschool, and really the whole time. I would restrict what I ate to a non-comforting level, limit what I would wear because of the way I looked and really, just saw my body as something it was not. I always thought I had more fat than I did. I think that now, I see myself the way I actually am. 

I've worked out to become muscular, to be skinny and to be healthy. I know the difference between all of them. Now I workout as a hobby. Originally I worked out at the gym and ran and rode my bike to be thin. I never focused on a specific dress size I wanted, I just wanted less body fat. Soon, I became absorbed in the weightlifting world to be stronger and have larger muscles. Eventually this led to just choosing to go to the gym to be healthy. 

In addition to this, during my "skinny times" I would eat less, but still eat unhealthy. This is dumb. I would eat popcorn, ice cream and mac and cheese out the wazoo, except still eat equivalent to the number of calories I either needed or even less. I wasn't getting the nutrients I needed.

During my "muscle" times, I would drink a lot of protein shakes and load up on caffeine as well.

When I became healthy, I found a balance. But I almost became too healthy in the sense that I became unhappy. I would go to a restaurant (yay) but then order a garden salad and watch my family or friends eat a giant plate of lasagna. This is depressing, no matter how healthy you are being. You need to allow yourself a McFlurry once in a while.

Where am I now? I workout because it's just who I am. I just do it. I do it because I know it is healthy, may make me stronger and may make me thinner. But I am not super committed to it. I eat healthy most of the time and avoid things that are just insanely terrible for me. I eat good portion sizes as well. But I definitely eat ice cream a lot more, I order what I want to eat at restaurants and I just watch myself.

So what does this have to do with bikini season? Well. Let's see, I am 5'7'' and 131lbs. This is an average-good weight for my height. My body fat percentage is probably at around 24% which is also average-good. But I still log-on to Pinterest and see the boards I follow with super skinny girls in bikinis and then I want to stop eating unhealthy foods. 

But that makes me sad.

Despite me weighing about 10lbs more from this time last year and gaining maybe only 1 or 2% body fat, I look mostly the same. I can tell the fat is on my stomach, but I don't have a muffin top or anything. I am average. Well, average would mean I weigh more, I just mean that I am where I should be at. 

Yet, I still don't want to worry about sitting on chairs in shorts and having my thighs expand due to the pressure from the chair. I look hotter standing than sitting because my fat doesn't squish as much. 

I've learned so much about angling and lighting to do with taking... selfies (yes I said selfies) that I know how to make myself seem a lot skinnier. 

I am not skinny, I am not fat, I don't even want to call myself "average" or say I have an athletic body type. 

I think I can finally say that I like my body now. I have never been more confident in a bikini, and that has nothing to do with my size. It has to do with my outlook on the bikini. I feel more confident and mature now. I want to find a bikini that looks hot on me for the summer. I tried on a pair of bikini bottoms from H&M that were a size 6 and 8, and both were too small. I was actually HAPPY about this. I like my butt. I have a big butt, in a good way. This also means that whenever I go to buy a two-piece that I have to buy the pieces separately due to my butt requiring a larger size than my boobs. 

But I am happy. I think my boyfriend gave me some confidence in my body, but some of the confidence I also just found myself. 

Labels & Stereotypes - Psychological Perspective

Psychologically speaking, labels and stereotypes come quickly and easily as a survival mechanism. Being able to categorize things allows us to understand our world better and first impressions are lasting because the brain doesn't care to dwell on little things like this day-to-day when it could be doing other things. In other words: racial, sexual, gender (whatever other social issue we have now) stereotypes are natural.

We naturally distinguished men and women from each other. It is an obvious distinction. Once humans evolved we started to create roles for these men and women and it was just easy to go along with the stereotypes and not question things. The stereotypes and labels of men and women (yet somewhat logically created) were just natural. The reason why I say it was somewhat logical is because men are naturally built to do more physical tasks like hunting and gathering, fighting and building while women have bodies to bear children. This has nothing to do with the mind, this has to do with the physical body: what we can look at. All can be agreed here that this seems like a rational label to give to men and women based upon their physical bodies.

We kept this categorization around and with society evolving, we do not have that lifestyle anymore where a man is the breadwinner and the woman is the caregiver, at least not all the time. Why? I will mostly argue it is the economy. One person working in a 2 adult household with children is generally not enough money, unless that one person is working a high-paying job. Also, let's face it, women probably didn't like being cooped up in the house. Also, men may not always enjoy spending less time with their family.

Whatever the reason, my point is that these labels and stereotypes came naturally because of a natural survival mechanism we have to categorize things in order to move on from dwelling and learn quickly.

These stereotypes are not necessarily a bad thing until they start affecting people's lives negatively. For example, once people started recognizing they dislike gender roles (which were natural stereotypes) it became difficult to break the stereotype because people are defensive about their preconceived notions. "No, my idea is correct". I have a theory that generally: nobody likes to be wrong. People will go to great lengths to not get in trouble and not be incorrect. This isn't necessarily a theory, but it does seem like an accurate predictor of actions amongst most people.

These stereotypes are therefore hard to break.

By saying these stereotypes are natural, I am not arguing they are correct. We have created societies which is essentially deviating from the natural. If we never deviated from the natural we would have no laws, societal structures, and may not even be alive. Societies themselves are a survival mechanism. Surrounding yourself with other people in groups and those groups just expanding and expanding with the population. Think of this:

I am a Canadian
I am a Canadian living in Northern Ontario
I am a Canadian Woman Student living in Northern Ontario with her boyfriend

Like I can keep breaking it down or making my relationships more general. My boyfriend and I fight together first, then people in my area, then my province, then my country. Really, it works this way, pretty much. We surround ourselves with people, naturally, as a support system, to aid our lives and to not die. We join a society like me in Ontario, Canada and expect to pay taxes to your country, city and province in order to receive things in return. It is all a support system.

So really, governments, laws and things like this are actually natural survival mechanisms.

Honestly, everything we do, we do just to stay alive. You want a relationship for the support, you watch TV to experience emotion, you eat to nourish yourself, you get a job to gain other things like the food you eat, pay your rent or mortgage, etc. Really, everything we do has a purpose in our life. Even me, sitting on the couch with my laptop writing this helps me survive. Why? I think by writing this maybe even one person out there could be inspired to dwell on what I also dwell on. I don't know. I write this to hold a mirror to society, in a sense. That is my job here. How does it help me live? It is almost a release for me, as well. It helps me release my thoughts rather than torturing myself by keeping them within.

Can you think of anything we do that DOESN'T help us stay alive, improve our quality of life or do as a defence mechanism? I sure can't.

Perspective Post #2

Here is my second perspective post. This is on my relationship with my boyfriend.

Since we have seen each other basically everyday since Christmas and have been living together for 2 months now, me going back to visit my mom, friends and school was the first time I have been away from him, even though it was only for about 3 days. This seems sad.

Here is how I felt:

When I first left I cried a little bit. I had one crying bout in the car after I was about 40 mins away from where I live, and another one while out for a walk at 11pm once I got to my mom's.

To describe how I felt: I felt like I was going through boyfriend withdrawal. As simple as that. I felt like I was going through a physical withdrawal, my stomach was upset, I was sad. I talked to him on the phone twice that night, for about 5 minutes each time. After the last time we talked I suddenly felt better. We didn't even say anything overly interesting. I specifically remember stating "There are so many worms outside right now. At least like three per sidewalk block".

I don't know.

Anyways, I quickly saw how I fell back into my life that was there. I felt normal being there, not that I don't feel normal here, I just felt like it was a year ago.

Despite me missing my boyfriend, I was happy with my time there. I did realize that I was being a bit clingy lately. I realized this before I left. I was having issues with time between us, even though we were seeing each other quite a bit.

I was also starting to get naggy.

Stepping away from him for a few days allowed me to not only realize this but dwell on it for a while.

I have made up my mind about some things with my relationship I will not post here but I will say that I am very happy in my relationship.

Getting a few days apart here and there is a good thing. I did realize I don't think I would ever be able to do long distance though, even with skype and text. Maybe a month apart wouldn't be terrible, but a semester or a year would hurt. I don't see myself doing this at all. Even though I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, and I would do anything for him, a huge part of our relationship is being physically together and removing that from the equation makes me unhappy.

One of the main reasons I love him so much is because he makes me happy and if we are apart for too long and I am unhappy, that is just counterproductive.

But we have no reason to do long-distance so I shouldn't dwell on it any longer.

I am just happy to have him in my life and plan to have him in my life as long as I possibly can.

I love you, Nick.

Perspective Post #1

I said I would post 2 posts by Wednesday about my so called "journey" in Belleville. It's boring, but at least it is something to do. I just got back about an hour ago, I'm just waiting for my boyfriend to get home from work. Despite me saying they will be posted BY Wednesday, I will post this post on Wednesday and pre-write the second one to be posted tomorrow.

Anyways, my two posts are going to be about gaining perspective. By this I mean looking at my life and myself in different ways. The first post will be about reviewing my past and interpreting present events (sort of). The second post will be focusing more on my relationship with my boyfriend and what perspective I gained from being away from him for a few days (it doesn't sound like a lot but we've seen each other everyday since Christmas so it was our first break in a while).

I have been complaining I have been bored lately. But I have solved that problem on this trip. Again, sort of.

My biggest problem is that I do not have a full-time job while my boyfriend does. I talked to a bunch of people from my high school (teachers and friends) and my mom and feel a lot better about my situation. I was talking to one of my teachers and she just was like "Wow, you sound all set!" despite me not having a full-time job.

I have a car, a great relationship, a part-time job, I know where I want to go education wise (For the most part). I'm set. How am I so dumb to not see this?

Sure, I have a lot of time on my hands but I should really just take advantage of this and finally start a BOOK! Use my time to actually do some learning on some subjects I want to learn about outside of school.

If I don't find a full-time job by the summer-school semester I will pick up a course or two using money from my education fund (this never occurred to me because I didn't want to touch my education fund this year).

Anyways. From high school to now I feel...: personality wise: I feel the same, except more confident. Body wise: I have gained a couple of pounds and lost a bit of endurance but I am working on that. But I do feel different. More mature, more loved (by my boyfriend), more of an alcoholic (not an actual alcoholic)... I don't know. I've just grown up. As one of my old teachers said, "Wow! You look great! You've matured so much!"

This reflection really seems all over the place. I don't know. My teachers asked me if I enjoyed school, it was quite hard saying that I didn't.

I also noticed myself saying "Oh well" to a LOT of people. Is that my thing now? Saying "Oh well"?

Oh well.