I rarely have opportunities to even wear bikinis since I rarely go to the beach. Not because I don't want to, it's just the weather isn't super warm yet, I am busy and I am also lazy in the summer. But that doesn't mean I don't have pressures to feel skinnier.
I'm still trying to figure my body out. I am 18, I'm still young, technically still a teenager even though I feel so much older at times. I still don't know what to think of the way I look.
I went through some rough negative self-image times in early highschool, and really the whole time. I would restrict what I ate to a non-comforting level, limit what I would wear because of the way I looked and really, just saw my body as something it was not. I always thought I had more fat than I did. I think that now, I see myself the way I actually am.
I've worked out to become muscular, to be skinny and to be healthy. I know the difference between all of them. Now I workout as a hobby. Originally I worked out at the gym and ran and rode my bike to be thin. I never focused on a specific dress size I wanted, I just wanted less body fat. Soon, I became absorbed in the weightlifting world to be stronger and have larger muscles. Eventually this led to just choosing to go to the gym to be healthy.
In addition to this, during my "skinny times" I would eat less, but still eat unhealthy. This is dumb. I would eat popcorn, ice cream and mac and cheese out the wazoo, except still eat equivalent to the number of calories I either needed or even less. I wasn't getting the nutrients I needed.
During my "muscle" times, I would drink a lot of protein shakes and load up on caffeine as well.
When I became healthy, I found a balance. But I almost became too healthy in the sense that I became unhappy. I would go to a restaurant (yay) but then order a garden salad and watch my family or friends eat a giant plate of lasagna. This is depressing, no matter how healthy you are being. You need to allow yourself a McFlurry once in a while.
Where am I now? I workout because it's just who I am. I just do it. I do it because I know it is healthy, may make me stronger and may make me thinner. But I am not super committed to it. I eat healthy most of the time and avoid things that are just insanely terrible for me. I eat good portion sizes as well. But I definitely eat ice cream a lot more, I order what I want to eat at restaurants and I just watch myself.
So what does this have to do with bikini season? Well. Let's see, I am 5'7'' and 131lbs. This is an average-good weight for my height. My body fat percentage is probably at around 24% which is also average-good. But I still log-on to Pinterest and see the boards I follow with super skinny girls in bikinis and then I want to stop eating unhealthy foods.
But that makes me sad.
Despite me weighing about 10lbs more from this time last year and gaining maybe only 1 or 2% body fat, I look mostly the same. I can tell the fat is on my stomach, but I don't have a muffin top or anything. I am average. Well, average would mean I weigh more, I just mean that I am where I should be at.
Yet, I still don't want to worry about sitting on chairs in shorts and having my thighs expand due to the pressure from the chair. I look hotter standing than sitting because my fat doesn't squish as much.
I've learned so much about angling and lighting to do with taking... selfies (yes I said selfies) that I know how to make myself seem a lot skinnier.
I am not skinny, I am not fat, I don't even want to call myself "average" or say I have an athletic body type.
I think I can finally say that I like my body now. I have never been more confident in a bikini, and that has nothing to do with my size. It has to do with my outlook on the bikini. I feel more confident and mature now. I want to find a bikini that looks hot on me for the summer. I tried on a pair of bikini bottoms from H&M that were a size 6 and 8, and both were too small. I was actually HAPPY about this. I like my butt. I have a big butt, in a good way. This also means that whenever I go to buy a two-piece that I have to buy the pieces separately due to my butt requiring a larger size than my boobs.
But I am happy. I think my boyfriend gave me some confidence in my body, but some of the confidence I also just found myself.
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