Bored and Seeking Adventure

Bored and broke: The Student's guide to summer.

Yeah, really? Really life? I have all of this time on my hands and no extra spending money. I don't go back to school until September. I would take summer courses but, they cost $750 and I don't have that kind of money.

I am looking for a full-time job but this town has nothing. It is a college town. Everyone is looking for work. I had an interview on Monday and I was supposed to hear back yesterday. It sounded extremely promising: here's to hoping the guy is just lazy and hasn't called me back. I called him back today and left a message.

I live with my boyfriend and he is busier than I am. He just got a full-time job and he is working at his parents' over the summer as well. So I am a fucking apartment-girlfriend (not house-wife because this is an apartment and we are not married). 

I am bored. This is boring. I hate this. I love being here, but I need a job. Desperately. I need to fill my time. 

I was talking to a girl from my part-time job which is not giving me any new hours... (ugh), and she was just like "So what are you doing during your time? You sound like you're not doing anything?". After explaining my past day to her, waking up at 10am, watching TV and eating, going to the gym, coming back and watching more TV and eating more food until 5:15 when I worked... that's not what I want. 

I don't want this blog post to be me just complaining about being bored and broke, I am trying to work through it as I type to find a solution.

I have some hobbies, like writing, sewing, reading, and drawing that I could do. I have been doing them. I've been watching a lot of TV and my boyfriend got me playing Okami on his PS3. 

What do I want other than a job? Time. That makes no sense. I am bored, I want less time. But I want a full-time job and then time to take road trips. That would be nice. Realistically, I want more friends in North Bay. All I have is my boyfriend, essentially. I didn't make too many friends in university outside of my roommates and they've all gone home for the summer. My friends from high school are all back home for the summer too.

I am visiting my mom's this weekend until Wednesday, and as much as I am going to miss my boyfriend, I am going to be glad to see my friends and have some variety in my life. I'm craving an adventure. I am going to seek one out once I get there. Meet up with some friends, talk to my mom, visit my old high school. Get some perspective from other people on my life. 

So... it's time to stop being boring and start being adventurous, Sarah.

I will write 2 blog posts by Wednesday focusing on my adventures in the most boring cities on earth: where I live now and Belleville. Fuck. 

What does "living a life" even mean?

LIVE YOUR LIFE!

Be free.

Images tend to pop into my head of beaches, wind, running in fields, drinking water and tea, jumping, smiling and all bright scenery.

I keep striving to live my life, when life really isn't like any of those things. Those things are mostly what "life" looks like in yogurt commercials, or just media in general. Happiness fades to white in the movies.

I keep trying to "live my life" without a clue except those put out by the media. While I've been trying to figure out how to "live my life" life is just happening. I have realized this and then I think, "I need to stop pretending to live my life and ACTUALLY live my life". That is when I begin to think about travel, going for walks, eating healthy and writing. It is a bit more realistic, and that is what I want.

But really I should be focusing on everything in life. I tend to think I am not even living when I am at work. I am just acting in a role, which is true. I am just doing whatever at work to get by.

My point is that these dumb images implanted into our minds about "living" are really corrupting our idea of what "living" looks like.

For example: This yogurt  commercial

Really? It shows a mother and daughter walking on a sidewalk, and the mother decides to jump into a puddle in heels because she has strong bones because of yogurt.

After she jumps into the puddle she runs/walks away with her daughter, "living life".

Okay, jumping into a puddle has nothing to do with life as a whole, but at the end of the commercial as the music gets gleeful and louder, arguably, she seems to have a super happy life, ultimately because of yogurt. What? Okay.

Here is another commercial, by Dove chocolate that demonstrates my point with greater strength.

The commercial begins to talk about stresses women go through in terms of beauty, and tells you "We're only human". Sure, this is a positive message. But the commercial still makes one seem like life is suddenly completely at bliss, for just a moment while eating Dove chocolate.

Have you tried to eat chocolate and feel like that? I have. Sure, you can act like you are enjoying the hell out of that piece of chocolate, but it really does not do much. Dove chocolate is not going to give you bliss and allow you to "live your life".

It is commercials and media like this that confuse everyone's idea of "living a life".

I don't like the phrase "Live your life" or anything like that anymore. It has a weird connotation of jumping and running in fields which never really happens.

Living your life is what you are doing right now. All I really get from the phrase "live your life" denotatively is not to die. So really, by saying "live your life", you are denotatively saying "don't die". Connotations have things like field running.

I always had this image in my mind of living on a farm, with a huge house but no barn animals besides a horse or two. Just having a large field to be able to go into, write in, walk through, dare I say to run through. But now I look at this with realistic eyes and although this could happen, it is not what my life is ultimately leading up to. Also, yogurt will not help this. Earning money with hard work will. My life wouldn't even be bliss if this image became reality because I would still have to have money to either buy a lawnmower or hire a lawn mower to mow the huge lawn. I would still have to pay for the house, upkeep, bills. Even that wouldn't be bliss.

Nothing is bliss, really. I suppose that is arguable. The definition of "bliss" is paradise, perfect happiness, etc. Nothing is really perfect, therefore bliss does not exist. There is no such thing as perfection. The mug I am drinking my coffee out of has no chips or stains on it, but it is still not perfect. I am left handed so I don't look at the design on the front of the mug while drinking. It doesn't keep my coffee warm. Where does perfection start and end? It really doesn't. Perfection is an idea that exists but it cannot be experienced. We could perhaps feel a false perfection for brief periods of time, but it isn't permanent and also is not even a true sense of perfection. True perfection is not there. Find any example and prove it to me, maybe I will change my mind.

All I know is that that perfect "life living" that is depicted in these commercials is not there.

Do you have an image of "life living" different from these commercials? I am interested in what men think, since these commercials tend to be focused on women. Do you feel the same way? Is your "life living" different (like throwing a football to your sons)? I feel like I've seen commercials like that. Getting out of your nice car, throwing a football to your son while your labrador follows you. I don't know, you tell me.

Psychological Disorders Exist and People can Function with Them

It's not uncommon knowledge that people think psychological disorders are too common and are over-diagnosed. I fell victim to hearing people say how fake ADD/ADHD was and how doctors are just pushing pills.

My outlook on psychological disorders is that they do exist. The thing is that so many people have them now that they are more normalized. So many people have these disorders that it is just a common everyday thing. They don't even necessarily needed to be stopped.

Let me tell you about the time I thought that ADD/ADHD was fake.

My mom used to talk about how doctors were just pushing pills and ADD/ADHD was over-diagnosed. My mom would also say that ADHD was a result of poor parenting. Nope. I doubt this to high hell, especially now that I am a psych major.
 
Sure, some people have ADHD a lot stronger than others. Okay. Everybody experiences their disorder differently from someone else who has the same disorder.

When did I realized ADHD was really a thing? When I was peer tutoring in high school I helped this one girl in particular. I became aware of her ADHD when the teacher showed me everyone's IEPs (individualized education plans, given to people with special requirements for learning). I was skeptical, which is a good thing. But I really noticed her ADHD when I worked with her one-on-one. When I was working in a group with her I just figured it was her being bubbly and social with the group and the whole group getting off task. I was alone with her while she was writing a test and she literally just stopped writing and stared off into the distance. She started playing with her belly-button ring and just stopped focusing.

I talked to her more about her ADHD and she basically used it as an excuse to not do work. Nope. Just nope. That was not okay with me. I told her that so many people with ADHD and other learning disorders are highly successful. I taught her how to love school. This isn't my point.

My point was I soon learned that ADHD is real. Even pills don't help too much.

I think that the major thing with all disorders is not curing them but ensuring that people get treatment if they want it or require it but also showing them how people are successful in life with that disability.

I am sure the internet is filled with highly successful individuals that have learning and other psychological disabilities.

So many people do have them. I think it is fine to be skeptical about certain diagnoses. There is a high comorbidity of anxiety and depression as a diagnosis. I think this is something to be skeptical of. But maybe not being skeptical of the disorder being diagnosed at a high rate, but being skeptical of the society in which people are being diagnosed. If so many people are being diagnosed with this, maybe we need to look at the environmental factors to see why. I doubt that it is purely biological for most people.

Anxiety and depression, as an example, can be caused by stress, hormones... basically the entire time people are in middle school until university/college graduation.

Why is this on my mind? I have a friend who has a diagnosis and her "friend" was basically disbelieving her. It was just frustrating her more.

It is also on my mind because I was just diagnosed with dysthymia. Don't worry about me though. Dysthymia is a moderate form of depression that is long-lasting, perhaps life-long. I am not being treated for it at all. Why? Well. The psychiatrist and I traced dysthymia back to grade 10. I have had it for 3 years already and the diagnoses is to have had it for 2+ years. I have lived successfully. Certainly, dysthymia definitely gives me a unique perspective on things. I am negative. I am skeptical. I don't see this as a disadvantage though. Besides my university files being marked with having a "permanent disability", I feel the same I was before the diagnosis. I don't know anything different.

The only thing I hate about dysthymia is that I do have pointless crying bouts about stupid things or even absolutely nothing. I don't even personally hate it too much. I just hate how it affects relationships with people around me. I am more depressed. People call me out on it. I cry sometimes and bring down the people around me. I don't like how it does this to other people. It's also not good to keep it in.

Although I am choosing not to start treatments.

This is besides the point. My point of even sharing that I have a disorder is to show you that I am a functioning individual. I have a job, I go to school, I have a boyfriend and an apartment with him. My life is heading in society's dictated direction. Bleh. I hate that it is though.

Seriously? People are afraid of the "f word" (Feminsm)?

Recently in my academic writing class I am taking relentlessly in university because it is a requirement, my prof has been getting us to read a couple of essays by some feminists. My prof was making the argument that people are afraid to declare themselves as a feminist because of the negative image associated with feminists in the past. For example, being high strung, man-less and/or butch are associated with the declaration of feminism. She argued that because of this and a few other reasons that people are afraid to call themselves a feminist.

If you read my blog, you know I have a few negative words to say about feminism. You may also know I am skeptic.

So after hearing this information from my prof I started re-evaluating how I see feminism. She set up 3 views on feminism, one of which she called the "pop-culture view" which is that it is unnecessary and that these people with this view are constantly bitching about it. Well, I would associate myself with this view. Most definitely I would. But the problem is that I have had analytical thoughts about feminism. I have really thought deep down to what the meaning of feminism is to me, my life, the life of women around me, my society and globally.

 Being completely honest, I know no women born from the 90s on that have been deeply affected by issues feminists deem still present, like unequal rates of pay, various societal pressures (For example, to be girly and a mother), etc. Therefore, I have never ever felt a need to argue with the feminists for equality. Although I do recognize there are individual cases of women who need feminism from my society, and especially globally in societies other than my own. (Perhaps. It is argued that we should leave other cultures alone because they have their own way of living)

At one point my prof made the argument that it makes no sense when people want gender equality but refuse to proclaim they are a feminist because that is what feminists fight for is gender equality. This is true. I agree with this to a point. Except I argue that feminism is there to help bring up women to become equal to men as they were beneath men at one point. Whether or not they still are unequal is irrelevant to my current point. Gender equality is about making men and women equal, feminism is about bringing women up to become equal to men. This is what I say. This is my understanding of the word based on what I have seen. Never have I seen a feminist argue for men's rights unless they also claim to be a MRA (Men's rights activist). Gender equality is a lot... a LOT more than feminism. It is a lot more than bringing women up. It is not about bringing men down. It is a whole society... a systematic problem. Just how everything is run based on gender. Literally everything in our society can be brought back to gender biases.

I have had enough of this train of thought at the moment and I am going to leave it published and unfinished.

According to my prof since I believe in gender equality I have to be a feminist, or I am a feminist without claiming so. But that is her opinion and mine is not as such.

So why I am I so called "Afraid" of the "F word" being "Feminism"? It's not a fear. I don't associate feminism with anything negative. I do associate it with pointlessness just because I feel that the term should be abandoned. "Femme" is a term for a type of lesbian in modern terms but arguably, when the term "feminism" was created it was based off of the latin "femme" meaning woman. So why would we use a word that directly translates to "women practice/idea/philosophy" to represent gender equality? It is a sexist word. It really is. I love what feminists have done in history but seriously? Pick a better word.

So it is not that I fear the "F word"... actually yes it is. I fear that this is another form sexism. When I hear the word feminism I can't help but say "What about the men?". It makes no sense to start "Andronism" which would be the word equivalent to feminism but for men. Although when googled, there are results and men fighting for rights. Just stick with fucking "gender equality". There is no need for sticking "andro" and "femme" in there. No fucking goddam need.

New Years Resolutions Update

Just before the New Year began I created a list of 4 New Years resolutions that I wanted to accomplish throughout the entire year after I had explained how pointless and useless New Years Resolutions are for the unmotivated (click here for that post).

1) My first  goal was to run my marathon in under 4hrs 30 mins. I didn't do this... well I won't do this. The marathon I signed up for in May I am unable to run. My training went to HELL because I caught mono. Hear more about that here (this is a link to a school blog I wrote 2 posts for, the post is on my experience with mono, mostly). But I also can no longer afford the hotel for the run. It is basically my months rent, which is not a wise decision to blow. 


2) My 2nd goal is to achieve an average over 70% in university. So far I think that I am accomplishing this. My first year is almost over. I have 70s in all of my courses except 1 I have a grade in the 60s and 1 I have in the 80s. I think I will accomplish this.

3) My third goal is to get a job before the summer. I have 2 jobs... well really one. I am working at a store at the mall (I start tomorrow and I am quite excited!). 

4) My final goal is to  manage my money and not overspend and create a budget and I will stay in my budget. I got lost for quite a while in this but the past 3 weeks have gotten a lot better with staying in my budget--- especially now that I am living with my boyfriend in an apartment and I have monthly rent to cover. 

So my goals are going fairly successfully. I am creating a 5th goal now.

5) I will run a marathon this year. Since I can't run the one in May I might save up and run one in October or something. I will have the summer to train and I will stick to my guns!

Why I don't really want to have kids

My mind is not 100% made up, come on, I am 18... but I don't want to have kids.

Kids have never been a huge part of my life, I don't desire to raise them. This isn't my main reason I don't want to have kids though.

I really just want to focus on my career, once I am older. I want to really do something in my career. This isn't my main reason I don't want to have kids though.

If I have a partner later in life, I want to be able to focus my love and energy on them and not my kids. This isn't my main reason I don't want to have kids though.

I don't want to wreck my body. This isn't my main reason I don't want to have kids though.

The main reason I do not want to have kids is because I am selfish. I am very, very selfish. I live for myself. I want to be able to be free from the restrictions of having kids. I don't think I could be able to put another person that far before myself. In a relationship, quite often you have to put your partner before yourself, not all of the time, but there is the odd moment, but the thing is that your partner is self-sufficient. If you just decide you want to go to the store by yourself to get ice cream, you can't abandon your 2 month old or 5 year old. 

Your life is tied down in ways you don't want to. 

I really REALLY just wasn't supposed to be born with a uterus. I hate my uterus more and more everyday. I really do. I am not going to get a hysterectomy, especially since I am only 18 and I may change my mind and decide to have kids someday, but I really just hate that I have a uterus. Not that I want to be a guy. I just want to be a person that doesn't have to get pregnant. 

There are only 3 reasons I can see myself having children:

1) I get pregnant and find out when it is too late to have an abortion (I don't want to put up a kid for adoption)

2) I am bored later in life and feel like something is missing and I decide to have kids

3) I am single. This way I can focus all of my energy onto my kid(s). If I have a kid I don't want to have a partner because I don't want to put something ahead of myself, let alone my partner. 

I am not a feminist in the slightest. I just hate my uterus. I am not meant to have kids and I think that people should think I am brave for this. I know I wouldn't be the best mother, not that I would be a crappy one if I were to get pregnant, but I don't desire to be a mother. It's just like having a job you need the money for but don't want to work. That is the type of effort I would put into parenting. I would do the job of parenting but hate it because I wish I didn't have it, but I would appreciate the kid/job because I have it. 

This is early to be thinking about, but if you read my blog you know I like to plan ahead far into the future. 

At this point I don't see myself having kids until I am 102.

So, I don't have a learning disability.

Last year I noticed something different a few months after I started my first year of university. I was having trouble concentrating on material, in lectures and while studying and writing assignments. I was pretty sure I had ADD. Most others around me also thought I had ADD when I described my symptoms to them. Thus, the journey began.

I approached my family doctor about my concerns and she referred me to my school to be tested for learning disabilities because she wouldn't prescribe me anything without a diagnosis. So I went to my school. They did some preliminary testing and told me that I am above average in my intellectual ability but I might be on the borderline of ADD. This was all found out around November, 3 months after I started university.

Today I finally had my appointment with the testing centre. My results? I don't have ADD. I don't have any learning disabilities. Again: I am above average in my intellectual ability.

I literally stumped the psychologist. My grades have dropped 20% since high school. Something is different, something has had to have changed.

Inevitably, grades do drop in university from high school but things just feel harder here. Or easier. I am bored. The material I am learning is not what I want to be learning. I find it boring. I love my majors (psychology and philosophy) but my profs are not doing it justice.

I explained all of this to the psychologist and he has decided to try to piece things together. Essentially, he thinks my inability to focus on my work has to do with my motivation, despite me having very high goals in my future. I have amazing goals it is just the tasks I have to accomplish to get to my goal (school) is not my cup of tea. I am stressed all of the time. I am bored. I am unengaged. I do not care about what I am learning. Even if I transferred schools it would still be the same format of learning.

So what do I do? The psychologist I saw informed me he was going to dwell on me a little longer and then contact the learning strategist I have been working with at my school and the three of us will work together. 

I wish I had a learning disability. I wish my problems could be solved with strategies or medication. But my problems are bigger than this because they cannot be fixed. My problems are my choices to face because of the goals I want to accomplish. 

This is the biggest rut of my life. I am sad. I am depressed. School depresses me. But I want to attain my BA in Psych and BA in Philosophy and then my Bachelor of Education, perhaps my masters in Education. Why? Well, I want to teach high school. I was fed up with the high school educational system and I wanted to help fix it from within but also teach high school as well to fulfill my passion for educating and being a leader. I am now leaning towards wanting to work in university education just because of how much it takes out of me. 

The system does not work for me. It does not work for most people. Human purpose is to live. A part of living is sleeping. University students do not get enough sleep. People should be able to live the life they choose but instead we pick the unhappy route so we can conform to society. This has been troubling me for a couple of years now and I still am conforming to all of this bullshit and it is maddening me. It is depressing me. It is pushing me deeper and deeper down into my own despair.

I shouldn't care this much about the university and education system in general but I am the type of person that likes to take charge and fix things and that is what I have been inspired to do. 

But for now, I am going to keep conforming to depression. Also, I can't do anything without a degree because of credentialism. I also cannot do anything because ageism (I am 18). 

Although, I did just get a good job (FINALLY). Readers may remember getting a job was one of my goals for this year. I am a Blog Editor and Marketing coordinator, it is an executive position with my university. I don't know too much about it because I was just hired and I have not started yet, but I find out tomorrow. I am looking forward to it. I am fairly lucky, job wise, compared to other people my age. I am not working a part-time shitty stressed job with some fast food or chain store. Someday I will probably have to again, before I have my degree, but for now, I look forward to having a job that I can actually do something effectively in. I am not putting down workers of chain stores or fast food stores, I am just judging the work of those places to have higher stress than my job and I am just thankful that I will (hopefully) not have to deal with it.

So at least that is good.

But I don't have a learning disability. I probably just have the psychological disorder called "conformity".